Cicero does not get the modern world.
A few days back perforce he was required to
visit Londinium.
And while there he journeyed on the train that
runs under the ground known universally as the Tube.
Along with a zillion others who all wanted to
travel on the same train as Cicero.
Before getting onto the train and down to the
platform where one awaits in stony silence the arrival of the train, all
passengers are required to negotiate the turnstile.
With patience and common sense this is not too
difficult an obstacle to overcome.
Get it wrong however and limbs and any other
loose hanging appendage can get painfully snagged as the gates slam shut.
Or even refuse to open at the request of the
Oyster.
So given the serious risk to life and limb that
might occur this behaviour, which is quite commonplace, and not just on the
Tube, is quite extraordinary.
And highlights our addiction to our portable
technology devices, no matter the risk and consequences.
For Cicero witnessed a young distaff approach
said barrier.
And without lifting her eyes from the wee screen
on her mobile telephonic apparatus tried to negotiate the man trap.
She failed.
And it was hilarious. And perplexing. And
confusing.
As she body slammed into the barrier.
What could have been so fascinating on her phone
that she was prepared to risk injury rather than check where she was going?
Maybe she was checking she had the right nuclear
launch codes.
Or was watching colleagues perform open heart
surgery via a live feed and she needed to be on hand to give advice.
Or she was catching up on previous night’s
Celebrity Big Brother gossip.
Cicero has even heard tales of people walking
off harbours into the sea while determinedly staring at their phone.
Maybe the Health and Safety Gauleiters should
get involved.
It is actually quite simple.
Phones are for the ears not the eyes.
Have a great day.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Cicero Speaks
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Wednesday, 21 January 2015
Put lead in your pencil
In his recent musing about the state of the NHS, ‘Please,
Sir, Can we have some more?’ Cicero happened to make mention of pens and the
space race.
And since mentioning this he has been inundated with
requests to clarify and amplify and to show relevance to the NHS.
So here goes.
In the 1960s when Uncle Sam’s boys and the Russkies we
racing hard to put a man on the moon, they both realised that in zero gravity
normal pens wouldn’t work. Something to do with ink flow.
It is something that Cicero as a non-scientist would not and
does not understand.
The Yankees with their industrial, economic and innovation
might invested millions of greenbacks and after countless failures and much
experimentation devised a pen that works in space conditions.
And Cicero believes that this technology is still in use
today on flights to the International Space Station and will no doubt be used
when astronauts head off to Mars.
Of course such a pen devised to operate in the unique
conditions of space has very limited relevance here on earth.
The Commies on the other hand lacked the resources of Uncle
Sam.
So they took a pencil.
And it worked just as well. They
thought outside the box and were just as innovative as Uncle Sam.
At nowhere
near the cost.
Sometimes innovation is not about coming up with shiny new
stuff.
As Steve Jobs said ‘creativity is just about connecting
things’.
And as someone whose identity is lost to the mists of time
also said ‘necessity is the mother of invention’.
This is the lesson the NHS needs to learn and to learn fast
before we are all waiting in queues on trolleys in A&E.
And before all those working hard to earn the taxes to pay
for the NHS fall ill through their inability to see a GP.
The problem as Cicero sees it for the NHS is not a money
problem. That just disguises the issue. But a creativity one.
In other words the NHS needs to find and to sharpen its
pencils. It will never have enough money.
Accept that fact and we can move on
and get creative.
Cicero thinks it absurd for example that A&E departments
around the country are busting and gut and failing to treat everyone within 4
hours.
‘Give us more money’, the scream to their political
paymasters.
‘No don’t’, says Cicero.
Think differently about the problem.
Why not triage differently?
If your life or limbs are not in grave and imminent danger,
you have no place in A&E.
Say they can wait but they might have to wait for 8 hours,
say.
Everyone else treat within 4 hours as required, prioritised by
clinical need.
Cuts and scrapes and sprains are not Emergencies. They
should not be there. Nor you should be there just because you have to wait to
see a GP.
If your life or limbs are not in grave and imminent danger,
go home. Look up symptoms on internet. Go to Boots. Or wait to see a GP.
Simples.
Not all creative, innovative or imaginative ideas require
money.
The Russkies made do without.
They may have lost the space race.
But it was not because they didn’t have a pen.
Have a great week
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Monday, 19 January 2015
In the swim of things
To keep Cicero’s body youthful and supple from time to time
he takes to the water and will go for a wee swim.
Usually before he heads off to the place where he plies his
trade, dispensing marketing wisdom to those who seek guidance and
enlightenment.
It never ceases to amaze him the characteristics of the
people who share the chlorinated waters with him.
Firstly we have the man unable to swim in a straight
line and who corkscrews himself across the pool as he zigs and zags and zigs up
and down, forcing the other Speedos to dive out his way.
The Corkscrew swims pretty straight when on his front but he
alternates between swimming on his front for one length and then on his back
for the return journey down the pool.
And this is where the fun starts as he thrashes away back up
the pool in a mighty zig zag crushing all else against the sides as he does so.
And if you are in the pool at the same time as The Bulldozer
and The Corkscrew there is certainly no room in the pool for you and your
budgie smugglers.
The Bulldozer is like an unstoppable tsunami and no one, and
we mean no one, is allowed to get in his way as he scythes through the water
turning out length after length without hesitation, repetition or deviation.
And it is the lack of deviation that the Bulldozer’s
problem.
He gives not an inch.
And should you be on the same tack, it will be up to you and
blink first and give way.
This has not yet been spotted but it would be interesting to
see what would happen should the Corkscrew and the Bulldozer ever meet in the
same pool at the same time.
And finally we have the Ladies Who Swim.
And these types are invariably distaffs so we are not being
sexist.
Like trawlers who trawl the ocean depths in pairs they go up
and down in pairs chatting away, oblivious to the fact that they are holding up
all who swim in their wake.
And once they get to the end of the lane they invariably
stop and chat some more.
And if you are really unlucky these distaffs will come not in pairs but as a trio. Even a foursome.
For these people it is all about the chatting, the gossip,
the tittle tattle.
It never seems to occur to these people that they are wet.
That their hair is dripping.
That they are scantily clad.
Surely they would be more comfortable, drier and warmer,
catching up on each other's social lives and TV watching habits over a cup of
coffee.
Or even on Facebook.
It is a wonder given the space these types take up that
there is any room for anyone else.
Do you have similar types in your pool?
Please do tell.
Have a great week.
Have a great year.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus
Wednesday, 14 January 2015
Please sir, can I have some more
Cicero is getting bored.
Every day he wakes to more bad news from the NHS.
You can’t get to see a GP. Accident and Emergency wards
can’t cope with the demand and are in crisis. Social care is on its last legs
resulting in bed blocking.
And all the time the answer is more money.
Like a junkie with a bad habit, the NHS is addicted to taxpayers’
money.
And in an election year the politicians are happy to
indulge, keen to throw more and money of our money at the NHS, desperate to outbid
each other at how much cash they want to shovel into the NHS rapacious jaws.
It is like the Cold War arms race. But with more money.
Does anyone seriously believe that the only way to treat an
alcoholic is to drown them in more and more alcohol?
Of course not.
The conventional treatment for any addict is to treat the
addiction not indulge it; to wean them off the drug of addiction; to get them
to confront the problem.
It is time to apply this thinking to the NHS.
Otherwise the addiction to taxpayers’ cash will continue.
The Black Hole that is the NHS will get bigger.
It used to be said that it was wrong to keep throwing money
at the M25 to expand capacity. All that did was to attract more chariots to the
M25 and very quickly we were back to square one.
This is what is happening with the NHS.
So there must be another way.
Even if it is an approach our politicos will be reluctant to
take.
It is time to get brutal. Time to think different.
Cicero has the good fortune not to need the NHS but he would
not give them another penny, they get enough as it is, until and unless they
can show they can spend it wisely and are spending what they have wisely,
effectively and efficiently. There is little evidence they are doing this.
And he knows from personal experience that loads of money
kills innovation. Think about the space race and the story of the pen.
Take away the money and we will encourage our doctors, nurses
and assorted NHS Apparatchiks to think differently.
Here is one example.
Cicero has a slight asthmatic wheeze.
He has prescriptions to help.
Every year the prescription has to be renewed involving a
visit to the quack.
And every year it is renewed.
It is a needless hassle for Cicero. It wastes the quack’s
time. Quacks who are hard pressed.
So why not change from an annual review to one every five
years or unless condition changes.
Immediate gain in capacity.
Simple. Straightforward. Economical.
So get on with it.
And stop being like Oliver Twist and always asking for more.
Have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Thursday, 8 January 2015
Farting and belching
Cicero’s
alma mater, the University of Glasgow, or the Yooni to afficianados, has recently caved into student pressure
from a vocal minority of eco- and enviro-mentalists, and has decided to sell
its holding in fossil fuels.
It
has done this on basis that these are bad things and are the cause of wonky
weather.
Cicero
really does think that it’s time to stand up to these megalomaniacs who think theirs
are the only voices to be heard.
Perhaps the don who caved in and the student
mentalists who held the Yooni to ransom should consider this tale.
Hold
two pictures in your mind.
The
first is a cow in a beautiful, green field.
The
second is car stuck in a traffic jam. Engine on, polluting the environment as
its nasty emissions spew from its rear end.
Now ask
yourself this: Which one is doing more harm?
The
cow or the car?
If
you listen to the mentalists it would be the car.
But
in truth the cow is doing more harm to the planet than the car. It produces
more greenhouse gases. And its gasses are more harmful than the gases cars
produce.
Cows
fart and belch a lot and produce methane. And this is a great deal more harmful
that CO2. Indeed 20 times more harmful.
And
so cows are more likely to be the cause of wonky weather than our chariots.
In
fact, the world’s livestock generate an estimated 18% of the world’s greenhouse
gasses which is more than all the cars, aeroplanes, trains, ships, and all
other forms of transport put together.
But
we never hear this from the eco-mentalists.
And
as they wage war on the capitalist gas guzzling classes you never hear them
telling us to be more veggie. Or waging war on all creatures with 4 legs.
It’s
easier to have a go at Cicero’s Yooni than to advocate death and destruction to
our farm animals.
It’s
about time that the eco-and enviro-mentalists did learn the facts of life
before they open their gobs and add yet more methane into the atmosphere.
Have
a great week.
Sis
felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Monday, 5 January 2015
Say it with flowers
Go down any road or via these days and you are bound to see
attached to some lamp post or other stanchion the remnants of some small posies
of what were once flowers.
You can sometimes even see the same withered memorials on
bridges over our motorways.
No doubt left by friends and relatives of someone caught up
in some bad chariot smash.
When did this tradition start?
Cicero does not remember such tributes to the carnage that
seemingly happens on our vias on a regular basis when he first took to the vias
in a chariot adorned with L plates.
And unless his aged memory is once again playing tricks,
Cicero considers this a relatively recent tradition. In which case of course it
can hardly be considered a tradition.
Cicero is not sure how many years must pass before a regular
event qualifies as a tradition but he is sure it cannot be a tradition if it
started in his lifetime.
Now Cicero can understand why amici, patres and matres, filii
and filiae and other assorted members of the familias, might want to mark the
scene of a chariot smash and to leave a memorial to a loved one.
But does anyone consider how seeing the withered remains of
some blooms can impact on other chariot drivers?
Do we want to be reminded every time we pass the spot marked
with these withered offerings that driving a chariot is a dangerous and life
threatening pastime?
Do we really want to know that someone in whose footsteps
and tyre tracks we follow may have lost their lives as they went about their
business along the self-same via?
It only goes to remind us that human life is a frail thing;
that it can be lost in a moment in careless driving; that we are mortal.
And maybe that is really what these signs are all about.
Maybe these flora scraps are not left as a memorial but as a
warning.
Maybe since our polis can no longer afford to erect and man
speed cameras, and given the vitriol that arises from the installation of these
Big Brother devices, this is a new tactic from the guardians of our liberties
and freedoms.
Maybe their devious minds think that when they see wee
memorials to man’s immortality we will slow down.
Clever.
Have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Friday, 17 October 2014
A word in your Shell
It would seem that the eco- and enviro-mentalists, who
believe that the only creature of any significance on the planet are polar
bears, truly are mental.
And Cicero is raging that these poor deluded people who have
been duped into thinking and believing that our wonky weather is man-made, now
have childrens’ play time in their sights with Lego bricks now being used as
the latest weapon by these mentalists to save the planet…supposedly.
Pathetic.
For it has been brought to Cicero’s attention that Lego has
recently ended a 50 year partnership with Shell which was designed to put Lego
bricks into the hands of kiddiwinkles across the land and encouraging play, stimulating
creativity, generating imagination, all good qualities one would have thought.
And Cicero believes we should be doing more to encourage
these very fine qualities if we are to remain a land of invention and
innovation and entrepreneurship.
But such qualities do not cut much ice with the mentalists
if it threatens polar bears. And seemingly it does. But only if you have the
warped and disturbed mind of a mentalist.
Now you may be wondering what Lego has done or is doing
wrong in the eyes of the mentalists. And the answer…nothing apart from being
best mates with Shell who have been drilling among the polar bears so that we
can keep the lights on, our homes heated and our factories working that we
might all enjoy a 21st century lifestyle and not one more akin to
Stone Age dwellers.
But the mentalists don’t like this and so have bullied and
blackmailed Lego and targeted the play time of our kiddies. The mentalists have even turned up at
Legoland no doubt to scare the next generation and to brain wash them into
believing that our planet is seconds away from expiry.
Now Cicero may have missed something but oil is a totally
legal product and Shell is a truly legitimate company and drilling for oil is a
legitimate business concern. Surely the Two Caesars have not prohibited such
activities. Mr Nick does come up with cranky ideas from time to time but Posh
Dave is there to stop such nonsense ever getting anywhere near the legislative
process. Has he failed this time? Has he taken leave of his senses?
No it would seem not. This is yet another example of the
mentalists imposing their distorted logic onto the lives of Cicero, the wider
society, and onto the innocent and undisturbed minds of our kiddies.
And why have the Board and Management of Lego not shown more
backbone? Why did they feel it necessary to cave into the craven blackmail of
the mentalists? Surely they should have done more to protect the innocence of
children playing with their bricks? And defended the legitimate right of us all
to free speech and to have the temerity to express a contrary view about polar
bears, wonky weather and melting ice caps?
Maybe they should have borrowed the stiff and unyielding
backbone of their Lego men and women.
For how much longer are we going to tolerate the mentalists
imposing their views? Cicero says to these disturbed people-‘seek help, leave
us alone, especially the kids, and get back in your shells’.
Have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
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