I note with some surprise and incredulity that last week’s thoughts were likened to Radio 4’s ‘Thought for the Day’. I am not sure if you meant this as a compliment or not but I shall assume the former unless I hear to the contrary. It is incredibly flattering to be likened to an iconic broadcast institution.
Now let’s see what I can do this week. Can I live up to such an exalted standard?
Working as I do in a bureaucratic machine I spend much of my time writing reports or reviewing the reports of others. I like to point out to my salariat colleagues that there is no archaeological or documentary evidence that would support the thesis that a great civilisation is built through report writing. My complaints on this matter, as so many of my complaints do, fall on deaf ears. And so I and those around me continue to write reports.
Still if I look at this more positively I see reports as an advert for my thinking and insight that I want people to buy. And like producing any other ad, report writing is a skill, a craft, an art.
So if you will forgive and indulge Cicero’s arrogance yet again I thought I might share you with my golden rules of report writing.
Rule 1: Remember the reader and the result
Like any other ad or piece of marketing communication understand who will read the report and why. As with so much else the golden principle of the marketing 3 Rs applies here as in crafting an d-remember the reader and the result.
Establish at the outset the objective for the communications or (in report writing terms) understand your Terms of Reference. Your objective should encapsulate:
What you want to communicate …
… to whom …
… and why-what do you want the reader to do
Once you’ve established a focused objective, this should act as the guiding light for the rest of your report. This will help make the structuring and writing processes much faster and easier.
Rule 2: Structure your report – quickly and easily
When Steven Spielberg starts out to make a film he will storyboard it which allows him to put down on paper how he sees the film before he starts to film anything and which helps bring the film to life for him, the cast and the crew. A good director will use the storyboards as a starting point but will adapt this when filming starts as new ideas and situations emerge during the production process.
My reports start out like ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ though there the similarity ends. I start out with a storyboard with list of main headings and sub headings and points to make under each. This helps me see how my argument is developing and ensures that I remain constant to my objective.
Reports like films can be fairly long documents. To make their production as efficient as possible, it pays to think like Steven Spielberg and to structure your thoughts, you arguments, your report as early in the production process as possible.
When structuring, it helps to remember that reports are highly formulaic and there will be a formula for your business but most will include some or all of the following elements:
• An introduction which states the aim or objective of the paper
• Outline your research approach
• Presentation of your results.
• Analysis or discussion of the results
• Conclusions and recommendations.
• Resource impact including costs and benefits and timescales
Rule 3: Be ruthless and relevant
No matter how interesting the content might be, if it doesn’t help you meet your objective, it should be sidelined. Be ruthless. If you really can't delete it altogether, then relegate it to the appendices. After all, if content is not relevant it is confusing. In report writing, as with so many things in life, less truly is more. Think that every word, sentence or phrase has to justify its space on the paper. If you can’t justify it, delete it. Maybe I should apply this logic to Cicero Speaks though a blank page is nowhere near as interesting.
I know report writing is not the most riveting topic for a marketer but believe me it is an essential skill to master. Hopefully my thoughts are help to mastery. Maybe we should introduce a judo type approach to report writing. Please get in touch if you are a Black Belt in this.
Is it only me?
I would guess from your slavish devotion to these pages that you are not an aficionado of celebrity tittle tattle. If so last week’s news that Leona Lewis, a chanteuse from some TV talent contest, was punched in the face when signing copies of her recently published autobiography by some other celebrity wannabe, might have passed you by.
I was shocked on reading this. And I am sure you will be too.
Leona Lewis is only 24 and yet she has managed to write a 304 page autobiography. That is 12 pages per year and if we accept that her memories for first 5 years might be a wee bit hazy and that in these years all you pretty much do is poo, eat, sleep and cry, and I would doubt that celebrity chanteuses do these things in a more interesting way than mere mortals like you and me, then pages per year count goes up.
Is it only me but how can anyone so young have had full enough life in their first 24 years to write 304 interesting pages? Ye Gods, I am more than a wee bit older than this celebrity songbird and I would struggle to fill 304 pages with anything interesting to say.
As is the wont in today’s society, I am going to propose that the government sets up a Celebrity Autobiography Authority to regulate and license the publication of celebrity autobiographies ensuring a good age per page quotient and to set standards on dealing with the celebrities early years.
I am now on a mission to find the youngest autobiography with the most pages. With your help I can do it. Please send your suggestions to me through these pages.
Have a great week and I look forward to receiving your finds.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
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Friday, 23 October 2009
Friday, 16 October 2009
Cup of coffee, anyone?
You will no doubt be pleased to see that Cicero is on time this week. Indeed I might even be early. I am truly sorry about last week’s wee lapse but I hope I make up in quality what I might sometimes lack in timeliness.
And this week like the politicians Cicero will be offering help to the hard pressed in these difficult times.
For Cicero recognises that times today are tough for people and that this is taking its toll on people everywhere. Even state bureaucrats are not immune, even if we are striving on a daily basis to protect the safety and security of its people. And in this environment we can often lose sight of what is important to us and to our people around us.
To help us remember what is really important and to help the people we lead keep a sense of perspective, and I think this is a key attribute of a leader, I would like to share with you a story. It is probably apocryphal but it does teach us a valuable lesson and I pass it on that it might help you in your own life as well as encourage you to pass it on to help those around you.
And I am indebted to a really good friend and long standing subscriber to Cicero Speaks for the advice and insight provided. Maybe Cicero Speaks should become Cicero Listens.
Anyway if we are all sitting comfortably Cicero will begin……..
Once upon a time there was a learned philosophical lecturer who one day stood before his philosophy class with a very large mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee before him. Without saying a word he picked up the mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls .He then asked the students, if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. But they were wrong.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly and the pebbles filled up the space between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. Again they were wrong.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar and the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.' They were still wrong.
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. Now the jar was full.
'Now,' said the professor to his students, about to start the lesson, and this is where Cicero wants you to pay full attention, 'I want you to imagine that the mayonnaise jar represents your life. The golf balls are the really important things - family, children, health, and friends. In other words if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
‘The pebbles are the material things that should matter less like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else --The small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,’ the philosopher continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. Similarly if you put in the pebbles, the material stuff, first you will have no room for the things that really matter like golf balls.
‘The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
‘So, and here endeth the lesson,’ said my philosopher friend, ‘pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness like friends, family and health. There will always be room for the other stuff if you start with the big stuff.
'Take care of the golf balls first -the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'
One of the students raised her hand and asked what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled a knowing smile, ’I'm so glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'
And so whenever things start to get tough for you, your business and the people you lead, please remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee and pass it on.
Is it only me?
I happened to be travelling back home the other night from my Top Secret State Bunker, my exertions done and the safety of the citizenry protected for yet another day.
Inadvertently I happened to travel in a so-called quiet carriage where all noise from extraneous sources like telephones, portable musical devices and no doubt crisp and sweetie wrappers is supposedly banned. And boy are such petty regulations enforced as I know to my cost when my mobile began to chirrup its tone. The looks, the stares, the tut tutting that went on. You would have thought I was in the bowels of the British Library rather than a diesel engine train groaning and straining to return the Reggie Perrin-types to their nuclear families in their mock Tudor executive ghettos.
Now is it only me but can anyone explain the difference between a short phone call and an animated conversation between three passengers for the entire duration of the journey home? Why is my telephone conversation verboten and yet it is ok for people to talk as much as they like, for as long as they like on a topic so banal and trivial that it makes you questions what is the point of educating people? Why is small talk allowed and conversations of national importance banned just because it goes through Mr Apple’s finest plastic? I would love to know the answer.
And in meantime and until this enduring mystery is cleared up, have a great week.
Sis fellx. Et sis fortunatus.
And this week like the politicians Cicero will be offering help to the hard pressed in these difficult times.
For Cicero recognises that times today are tough for people and that this is taking its toll on people everywhere. Even state bureaucrats are not immune, even if we are striving on a daily basis to protect the safety and security of its people. And in this environment we can often lose sight of what is important to us and to our people around us.
To help us remember what is really important and to help the people we lead keep a sense of perspective, and I think this is a key attribute of a leader, I would like to share with you a story. It is probably apocryphal but it does teach us a valuable lesson and I pass it on that it might help you in your own life as well as encourage you to pass it on to help those around you.
And I am indebted to a really good friend and long standing subscriber to Cicero Speaks for the advice and insight provided. Maybe Cicero Speaks should become Cicero Listens.
Anyway if we are all sitting comfortably Cicero will begin……..
Once upon a time there was a learned philosophical lecturer who one day stood before his philosophy class with a very large mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee before him. Without saying a word he picked up the mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls .He then asked the students, if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. But they were wrong.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly and the pebbles filled up the space between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. Again they were wrong.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar and the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.' They were still wrong.
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. Now the jar was full.
'Now,' said the professor to his students, about to start the lesson, and this is where Cicero wants you to pay full attention, 'I want you to imagine that the mayonnaise jar represents your life. The golf balls are the really important things - family, children, health, and friends. In other words if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
‘The pebbles are the material things that should matter less like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else --The small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,’ the philosopher continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. Similarly if you put in the pebbles, the material stuff, first you will have no room for the things that really matter like golf balls.
‘The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
‘So, and here endeth the lesson,’ said my philosopher friend, ‘pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness like friends, family and health. There will always be room for the other stuff if you start with the big stuff.
'Take care of the golf balls first -the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'
One of the students raised her hand and asked what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled a knowing smile, ’I'm so glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'
And so whenever things start to get tough for you, your business and the people you lead, please remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee and pass it on.
Is it only me?
I happened to be travelling back home the other night from my Top Secret State Bunker, my exertions done and the safety of the citizenry protected for yet another day.
Inadvertently I happened to travel in a so-called quiet carriage where all noise from extraneous sources like telephones, portable musical devices and no doubt crisp and sweetie wrappers is supposedly banned. And boy are such petty regulations enforced as I know to my cost when my mobile began to chirrup its tone. The looks, the stares, the tut tutting that went on. You would have thought I was in the bowels of the British Library rather than a diesel engine train groaning and straining to return the Reggie Perrin-types to their nuclear families in their mock Tudor executive ghettos.
Now is it only me but can anyone explain the difference between a short phone call and an animated conversation between three passengers for the entire duration of the journey home? Why is my telephone conversation verboten and yet it is ok for people to talk as much as they like, for as long as they like on a topic so banal and trivial that it makes you questions what is the point of educating people? Why is small talk allowed and conversations of national importance banned just because it goes through Mr Apple’s finest plastic? I would love to know the answer.
And in meantime and until this enduring mystery is cleared up, have a great week.
Sis fellx. Et sis fortunatus.
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Send three and four pence we are going to a dance......
Cicero would like to apologise most profoundly and sincerely if you arrived here at the weekend expecting to read new, fresh and updated intelligent insight and wit. Cicero has been slothful and regrets it. It will not happen again.
In Cicero’s defence the work of protecting the State and its citizenry has taken precedence in past few days and though Cicero is known for his indefatigability, there are so only so many hours in the day even for one as devoted, diligent and dedicated as he.
Cicero would also like to thank last week’s respondent who privately expressed some rather critical thoughts on the musings on teaching men to fish though he is disappointed that such critical thoughts have not been expressed publicly. And please note when the word ‘criticise’ is used it is used in the proper meaning of the word.
And so to this week’s musings…………
Have you heard of the game ‘Chinese Whispers’, where you try to whisper a word or phrase down a line of players with amusing results as the message gets distorted as it passes down the line? And did you know that the world record for the longest line of people playing ‘Chinese Whispers’ was set in 2004 with 614 participants? And do you know what the message was?
Now this may be a guess, a long shot, a shot in the dark but I would surmise that you are going to depend on me to provide the answer. Well it seems that when the world record was broken the original message was ‘Mac King is a comedy magic genius’. The end result was ‘macaroni cantaloupe knows the future’ which only goes to prove that the more complex the message the greater the distortion as it passes down the line.
So what has this to do with marketing?
Brand strategy, great marketing, can be likened to a game of ‘Chinese Whispers’ if you are not careful. Indeed the way many brand identity consultants and brand managers think, it could well be.
How many times have you as a marketing professional sat through wonderful PowerPoint presentations from brand managers, consultants or agencies endeavouring to articulate what the brand is all about. It is death by PowerPoint, slaughter by copy, buried by slogans. It looks great and sounds fantastic but remember ‘Chinese Whispers’. Brand strategy is not a game which starts with the brand manager and reaches the customer via the ad agency, the salesperson and the people in the business. The only place that matters is the final person in the line-the customer. And anyone doing great marketing knows how important it is to ensure that the message is not distorted before it hits the end of the line.
Great brand strategies need no more than three words to convey what they are about. Anything more will be too complex for others to remember, activate and ultimately execute. You may have a great PowerPoint presentation but the strategy won’t work. And the probability of achieving any kind of impact on the customer and the market will be close to zero.
Great brand positioning is pithy, cogent and relevant. It focuses on the two or three things that will mark the brand out as different. It is born from insight, forged through heritage and destined to differentiate. And it must pass the t-shirt test. If it can’t fit on the front of a t-shirt it won’t do. Pass it on.
Is it only me?
Have you checked the date in your diary or in your calendar recently? I only ask because I am confused. It is only the beginning of October, or at least I thought it was unless I have somehow entered a parallel universe through some worm hole in the space time continuum. We have not yet had Halloween or Guy Fawkes Night, but I have just seen my first Christmas promotion. And already my incredibly talented marketing team have feverishly started making preparations for celebrating the holiday period which as State employees we must call it now in these multi cultural days lest we offend more sensitive souls.
Is it only me but I thought Christmas was December 25th. Has it been moved? Has a governmental enquiry been set up to consider the best day to celebrate Christmas and its report been published? Or are we now just living our lives at such a frenetic pace that it just seems if it has been moved? Our suntans have not yet faded and we are already planning Christmas.
Even though I am a man, and for this gender Christmas preparations will not start until December 23rd at the earliest, I do not understand for whom messages that Christmas is coming are aimed. Is there a tribe of incredibly stupid people out there who need to be reminded when Christmas is and who need a long lead time to prepare? Given that we seem to be being encouraged to start to think about Christmas earlier and earlier each year, I contend that by 2014 we will be being encouraged to celebrate His birth a fortnight before He has died. Even for the Son of God that is some feat.
Be assured that Cicero will not be starting his preparations any earlier despite the exhortations and as usual my Christmas card will arrive on or about January 7th. But please do let me know if you are on Santa Alert already.
Have a great week.
Sit felix. Et sit fortunatus.
In Cicero’s defence the work of protecting the State and its citizenry has taken precedence in past few days and though Cicero is known for his indefatigability, there are so only so many hours in the day even for one as devoted, diligent and dedicated as he.
Cicero would also like to thank last week’s respondent who privately expressed some rather critical thoughts on the musings on teaching men to fish though he is disappointed that such critical thoughts have not been expressed publicly. And please note when the word ‘criticise’ is used it is used in the proper meaning of the word.
And so to this week’s musings…………
Have you heard of the game ‘Chinese Whispers’, where you try to whisper a word or phrase down a line of players with amusing results as the message gets distorted as it passes down the line? And did you know that the world record for the longest line of people playing ‘Chinese Whispers’ was set in 2004 with 614 participants? And do you know what the message was?
Now this may be a guess, a long shot, a shot in the dark but I would surmise that you are going to depend on me to provide the answer. Well it seems that when the world record was broken the original message was ‘Mac King is a comedy magic genius’. The end result was ‘macaroni cantaloupe knows the future’ which only goes to prove that the more complex the message the greater the distortion as it passes down the line.
So what has this to do with marketing?
Brand strategy, great marketing, can be likened to a game of ‘Chinese Whispers’ if you are not careful. Indeed the way many brand identity consultants and brand managers think, it could well be.
How many times have you as a marketing professional sat through wonderful PowerPoint presentations from brand managers, consultants or agencies endeavouring to articulate what the brand is all about. It is death by PowerPoint, slaughter by copy, buried by slogans. It looks great and sounds fantastic but remember ‘Chinese Whispers’. Brand strategy is not a game which starts with the brand manager and reaches the customer via the ad agency, the salesperson and the people in the business. The only place that matters is the final person in the line-the customer. And anyone doing great marketing knows how important it is to ensure that the message is not distorted before it hits the end of the line.
Great brand strategies need no more than three words to convey what they are about. Anything more will be too complex for others to remember, activate and ultimately execute. You may have a great PowerPoint presentation but the strategy won’t work. And the probability of achieving any kind of impact on the customer and the market will be close to zero.
Great brand positioning is pithy, cogent and relevant. It focuses on the two or three things that will mark the brand out as different. It is born from insight, forged through heritage and destined to differentiate. And it must pass the t-shirt test. If it can’t fit on the front of a t-shirt it won’t do. Pass it on.
Is it only me?
Have you checked the date in your diary or in your calendar recently? I only ask because I am confused. It is only the beginning of October, or at least I thought it was unless I have somehow entered a parallel universe through some worm hole in the space time continuum. We have not yet had Halloween or Guy Fawkes Night, but I have just seen my first Christmas promotion. And already my incredibly talented marketing team have feverishly started making preparations for celebrating the holiday period which as State employees we must call it now in these multi cultural days lest we offend more sensitive souls.
Is it only me but I thought Christmas was December 25th. Has it been moved? Has a governmental enquiry been set up to consider the best day to celebrate Christmas and its report been published? Or are we now just living our lives at such a frenetic pace that it just seems if it has been moved? Our suntans have not yet faded and we are already planning Christmas.
Even though I am a man, and for this gender Christmas preparations will not start until December 23rd at the earliest, I do not understand for whom messages that Christmas is coming are aimed. Is there a tribe of incredibly stupid people out there who need to be reminded when Christmas is and who need a long lead time to prepare? Given that we seem to be being encouraged to start to think about Christmas earlier and earlier each year, I contend that by 2014 we will be being encouraged to celebrate His birth a fortnight before He has died. Even for the Son of God that is some feat.
Be assured that Cicero will not be starting his preparations any earlier despite the exhortations and as usual my Christmas card will arrive on or about January 7th. But please do let me know if you are on Santa Alert already.
Have a great week.
Sit felix. Et sit fortunatus.
Friday, 2 October 2009
Gone fishing
Avete atque salvete, amici
And for those of you who believe that Cicero might make up these Latin flourishes, how can you even think that, the above means ‘hail and welcome, my friends’. Check Cicero’s use of his native tongue and leave a note if you find Cicero to be wrong.
Before spreading this week’s words of wit and wisdom, Cicero has been asked for an update on the lifts in his Top Secret State Bunker where each and every day Cicero stands on the wall twixt freedom and anarchy, holding back the tides threatening to overwhelm democracy and civilisation as we know it. Well, despite the importance of my mission, we have singularly failed to maintain a full quota of functioning lifts for past few weeks. Last week two out of our three lifts failed to, well, lift or elevate. And a lift which does not elevate is just a box. It is not good. Still if it helps reduce or limit the budget deficit who is Cicero to complain.
Last week Cicero was in conversation with one of his incredibly talented team and I say and highlight this should some of my incredibly talented and experienced team be reading these fine words, who told me that she felt that her team thought she was letting them down and that they were not getting the answers from her they thought they were entitled to.
On hearing this Cicero set to work to help the incredibly talented (same reason as above applies when this is said) manager seeking help and support and guidance from the Wise One.
To cut an incredibly long, complex and detailed story short, Cicero’s advice was pithy and precise and was to encourage said manager to respond to requests for help from team members by asking them what they would do if she wasn’t around.
This is an incredibly powerful trick.
It is amazing how many of us know exactly what to do, know the right answer, know the correct course of action to take, if we are encouraged or obliged to take responsibility. Believe me our people don’t need as much help, guidance and support as they seem to think they might or, and this is equally important, we as leaders think they might need.
Now this might come as a shock but as leaders we are not indispensable. Nor do we have a monopoly of wisdom. And more times than not we think we have to add value, to dispense wisdom, to provide the right answer. Too often our suggestions are interpreted as instructions for others to follow. And instead of adding value we destroy it. Our people don’t grow and develop. We undermine confidence. We disempower. Not good for our people or our business.
Someone wiser than me, if you can believe that, once said ‘feed a man a fish and you feed for him a day but teach a man to fish and you feed for him life’. Helping and supporting and encouraging people to find answers for themselves works in same way.
And one other point to consider before I let this topic drop. How many of the decisions your people might make will cause a major problem if they get it wrong? Damn few I would posit. Surely there is more value in encouraging them to learn and grow and develop.
And so next time someone asks you for help, instead of giving them what they want, give them what they need and encourage them to find the right answers, challenge them to tell you what they would do if you weren’t around. More often than not they will be right. And know what, you have just taught them to fish. I leave these thoughts with you.
Is it only me?
This week I want to talk garages and cars. And I would like for us to ponder two points.
My first point comes from a very special subscriber who asks why it is that we can drive our cars onto the garage forecourt to fill our vehicles with fuel, a really dangerous substance, I’m sure we would agree, and yet the health and safety gualeiters, in their desire and drive to look after the welfare of incredibly stupid people, believe us to be so incompetent that we are unable to drive our cars into the workshop without incident even though we might have driven hundreds of miles to get to said garage.
Clearly filling cars up with a highly dangerous, explosive and inflammable substance is a competence that incredibly stupid people are deemed to possess and yet driving a few extra yards is considered beyond their and all our capacities. Go figure.
But is it only me who considers the way we buy our fuel a wee bit weird. Not only am I expected to have a point.99 pence coin in my possession should I only want to buy a litre but why do we buy petrol in litres yet fuel efficiency is measured in miles per gallon?
Now I was brought up with gills, pints, quarts, and gallons but to today’s yoof such measures must be as quaint as The Black Death, the spinning jenny and profitable banks. How do we expect them to work out what mpg means? It might only be me but I do think it strange that for most of the time our lords and masters go out of their way to protect and defend the incredibly stupid and yet there are other times when their policies can confound even those with some intelligence. Seems strange to me. Surely instead of mpg it should be mpl. Even Cicero might be able work out how the fuel efficiency of his internal combustion engine on this basis.
Have a great week.
Sit felix. Et sit fortunatus.
And for those of you who believe that Cicero might make up these Latin flourishes, how can you even think that, the above means ‘hail and welcome, my friends’. Check Cicero’s use of his native tongue and leave a note if you find Cicero to be wrong.
Before spreading this week’s words of wit and wisdom, Cicero has been asked for an update on the lifts in his Top Secret State Bunker where each and every day Cicero stands on the wall twixt freedom and anarchy, holding back the tides threatening to overwhelm democracy and civilisation as we know it. Well, despite the importance of my mission, we have singularly failed to maintain a full quota of functioning lifts for past few weeks. Last week two out of our three lifts failed to, well, lift or elevate. And a lift which does not elevate is just a box. It is not good. Still if it helps reduce or limit the budget deficit who is Cicero to complain.
Last week Cicero was in conversation with one of his incredibly talented team and I say and highlight this should some of my incredibly talented and experienced team be reading these fine words, who told me that she felt that her team thought she was letting them down and that they were not getting the answers from her they thought they were entitled to.
On hearing this Cicero set to work to help the incredibly talented (same reason as above applies when this is said) manager seeking help and support and guidance from the Wise One.
To cut an incredibly long, complex and detailed story short, Cicero’s advice was pithy and precise and was to encourage said manager to respond to requests for help from team members by asking them what they would do if she wasn’t around.
This is an incredibly powerful trick.
It is amazing how many of us know exactly what to do, know the right answer, know the correct course of action to take, if we are encouraged or obliged to take responsibility. Believe me our people don’t need as much help, guidance and support as they seem to think they might or, and this is equally important, we as leaders think they might need.
Now this might come as a shock but as leaders we are not indispensable. Nor do we have a monopoly of wisdom. And more times than not we think we have to add value, to dispense wisdom, to provide the right answer. Too often our suggestions are interpreted as instructions for others to follow. And instead of adding value we destroy it. Our people don’t grow and develop. We undermine confidence. We disempower. Not good for our people or our business.
Someone wiser than me, if you can believe that, once said ‘feed a man a fish and you feed for him a day but teach a man to fish and you feed for him life’. Helping and supporting and encouraging people to find answers for themselves works in same way.
And one other point to consider before I let this topic drop. How many of the decisions your people might make will cause a major problem if they get it wrong? Damn few I would posit. Surely there is more value in encouraging them to learn and grow and develop.
And so next time someone asks you for help, instead of giving them what they want, give them what they need and encourage them to find the right answers, challenge them to tell you what they would do if you weren’t around. More often than not they will be right. And know what, you have just taught them to fish. I leave these thoughts with you.
Is it only me?
This week I want to talk garages and cars. And I would like for us to ponder two points.
My first point comes from a very special subscriber who asks why it is that we can drive our cars onto the garage forecourt to fill our vehicles with fuel, a really dangerous substance, I’m sure we would agree, and yet the health and safety gualeiters, in their desire and drive to look after the welfare of incredibly stupid people, believe us to be so incompetent that we are unable to drive our cars into the workshop without incident even though we might have driven hundreds of miles to get to said garage.
Clearly filling cars up with a highly dangerous, explosive and inflammable substance is a competence that incredibly stupid people are deemed to possess and yet driving a few extra yards is considered beyond their and all our capacities. Go figure.
But is it only me who considers the way we buy our fuel a wee bit weird. Not only am I expected to have a point.99 pence coin in my possession should I only want to buy a litre but why do we buy petrol in litres yet fuel efficiency is measured in miles per gallon?
Now I was brought up with gills, pints, quarts, and gallons but to today’s yoof such measures must be as quaint as The Black Death, the spinning jenny and profitable banks. How do we expect them to work out what mpg means? It might only be me but I do think it strange that for most of the time our lords and masters go out of their way to protect and defend the incredibly stupid and yet there are other times when their policies can confound even those with some intelligence. Seems strange to me. Surely instead of mpg it should be mpl. Even Cicero might be able work out how the fuel efficiency of his internal combustion engine on this basis.
Have a great week.
Sit felix. Et sit fortunatus.
Friday, 25 September 2009
Geeza job
Cicero is pleased with you this week. I know that that will put a spring in your step, a smile on your face and bring joy to your heart. It is for Cicero great to see the increasing levels of interest and engagement and even sensible comment being left on this corner of the blogosphere.
And Cicero would like to thank in particular those correspondents adding to and developing ‘5 Why’ theory. Hopefully this week’s thoughts will inspire similar levels of interest.
Now I would like you to ponder on this.
Does your business routinely ignore its customers? Or does it employ third parties who might do same while acting in your name? Or does it refuse to justify decisions to its customer even though these decisions might have a significant effect on their lives?
I am hoping that as a devoted reader of this column and as a disciple of Cicero that the answer to all three questions might be no and if it’s not then I am ashamed of you and you ought to be too.
But do you know what happens when you recruit people to join your business?
I ask this because all too frequently in these hard economic times, and I’m sure the practice also went on in the times of plenty, I hear of businesses, either directly or through agencies, who don’t let applicants know the fate of applications; where applications disappear into black holes never to be heard of again; or where the feedback to rejected applicants is pitiful and derisory.
This is not on.
Now you may wonder why this is important. It is important because this is your brand we are talking about and your brand promise must be consistently delivered through your recruitment processes for staff as much as for customers. It must surely occur to you that people wanting to join you might be customers. That their friends and family might be customers too, And what kind of message does it send to existing staff when they see or hear how applicants are treated? Either way bringing people on board can, if done poorly, have a real effect on the reputation of your business and your brand. And brand reputation must be the most important thing to worry about.
I know that recruitment is normally the domain of HR people but do you know how it gets done? How do applicants get treated? Do you ask them?
And if these processes are not up to scratch your HR people need to be told in no uncertain terms that the way they do recruitment is seriously having an impact on the brand and reputation of the business. Tell them to get a grip. This is serious and for real.
Now it might surprise you that no matter how hard I might try Cicero is not always a solid gold exemplar of good management and marketing practice but on this I am passionate.
And so, should you be given the chance to work for Cicero, you can be assured that all applications will be acknowledged, that all people not interviewed will be communicated with, and should you not be offered the choice, an unlikely prospect, I know, you will be given the opportunity for full and frank feedback. And anyone recruiting in my team and any third parties will work to the same principles. Guaranteed.
It is the least we can do. It is not just a job. It is your career and life. It is my brand and its reputation. And I don’t want to damage any of it. Maybe, just maybe, we could all adopt similar principles if and when we recruit. And maybe just maybe, we can become the change we want to see in the world.
Thoughts? Comments? Ideas?
Is it only me?
Men hate shopping. I think I can say that with a fair degree of certainty and I would challenge anyone to question this. Men shop when they need to and they will shop for exactly what they need. To a man, shopping is a necessity to be endured.
Women on the other hand see shopping as a leisure activity to be enjoyed. For them it is a pleasure.
Now Cicero is a man. Ergo shopping is a chore. And the other day while perambulating along a major retail thoroughfare Cicero passed some major retail emporia and it was evident that in just about every one of these emporia women’s goods were always positioned at the front. No matter the shop women’s clothes, lingerie bits and bobs and make up were without fail the first things you saw.
Now it might only be me but surely this is wrong. A woman wanting to shop will investigate every nook and cranny to find what she wants or thinks she wants. Women need no temptations or bait to be seduced into shopping. Men on the other hand do. Men are not going to spend any more time than they need to shopping. Men are not going to make the effort to search out their stuff. It is men who need tempting inside not women.
So why is it that it is always women’s baubles at the front of the shop and not men’s must-have necessities? Think of it for a nano second. You know Cicero is right. Again. And I am sure that should this insight be adopted along the High St, retailing in this country will be transformed and will not just survive the recessionary onslaught but will prosper.
Have a great week.
Sit felix. Et sit fortunatus.
And Cicero would like to thank in particular those correspondents adding to and developing ‘5 Why’ theory. Hopefully this week’s thoughts will inspire similar levels of interest.
Now I would like you to ponder on this.
Does your business routinely ignore its customers? Or does it employ third parties who might do same while acting in your name? Or does it refuse to justify decisions to its customer even though these decisions might have a significant effect on their lives?
I am hoping that as a devoted reader of this column and as a disciple of Cicero that the answer to all three questions might be no and if it’s not then I am ashamed of you and you ought to be too.
But do you know what happens when you recruit people to join your business?
I ask this because all too frequently in these hard economic times, and I’m sure the practice also went on in the times of plenty, I hear of businesses, either directly or through agencies, who don’t let applicants know the fate of applications; where applications disappear into black holes never to be heard of again; or where the feedback to rejected applicants is pitiful and derisory.
This is not on.
Now you may wonder why this is important. It is important because this is your brand we are talking about and your brand promise must be consistently delivered through your recruitment processes for staff as much as for customers. It must surely occur to you that people wanting to join you might be customers. That their friends and family might be customers too, And what kind of message does it send to existing staff when they see or hear how applicants are treated? Either way bringing people on board can, if done poorly, have a real effect on the reputation of your business and your brand. And brand reputation must be the most important thing to worry about.
I know that recruitment is normally the domain of HR people but do you know how it gets done? How do applicants get treated? Do you ask them?
And if these processes are not up to scratch your HR people need to be told in no uncertain terms that the way they do recruitment is seriously having an impact on the brand and reputation of the business. Tell them to get a grip. This is serious and for real.
Now it might surprise you that no matter how hard I might try Cicero is not always a solid gold exemplar of good management and marketing practice but on this I am passionate.
And so, should you be given the chance to work for Cicero, you can be assured that all applications will be acknowledged, that all people not interviewed will be communicated with, and should you not be offered the choice, an unlikely prospect, I know, you will be given the opportunity for full and frank feedback. And anyone recruiting in my team and any third parties will work to the same principles. Guaranteed.
It is the least we can do. It is not just a job. It is your career and life. It is my brand and its reputation. And I don’t want to damage any of it. Maybe, just maybe, we could all adopt similar principles if and when we recruit. And maybe just maybe, we can become the change we want to see in the world.
Thoughts? Comments? Ideas?
Is it only me?
Men hate shopping. I think I can say that with a fair degree of certainty and I would challenge anyone to question this. Men shop when they need to and they will shop for exactly what they need. To a man, shopping is a necessity to be endured.
Women on the other hand see shopping as a leisure activity to be enjoyed. For them it is a pleasure.
Now Cicero is a man. Ergo shopping is a chore. And the other day while perambulating along a major retail thoroughfare Cicero passed some major retail emporia and it was evident that in just about every one of these emporia women’s goods were always positioned at the front. No matter the shop women’s clothes, lingerie bits and bobs and make up were without fail the first things you saw.
Now it might only be me but surely this is wrong. A woman wanting to shop will investigate every nook and cranny to find what she wants or thinks she wants. Women need no temptations or bait to be seduced into shopping. Men on the other hand do. Men are not going to spend any more time than they need to shopping. Men are not going to make the effort to search out their stuff. It is men who need tempting inside not women.
So why is it that it is always women’s baubles at the front of the shop and not men’s must-have necessities? Think of it for a nano second. You know Cicero is right. Again. And I am sure that should this insight be adopted along the High St, retailing in this country will be transformed and will not just survive the recessionary onslaught but will prosper.
Have a great week.
Sit felix. Et sit fortunatus.
Friday, 18 September 2009
Tell me why
It will no doubt please you that this week Cicero is so full of energy and life that he is dangerous. So beware.
Cicero does however have some news that will shock you. Indeed the news that is about to be imparted will be so distressing to you that it will be best if you sit down and make yourself comfortable. Please make sure that there are no sharp objects or hot liquids near you. Cicero does not want yet another visit from the health and safety gauleiters. There is enough stress in Cicero’s life at the moment. Are you sitting comfortably? Are you ready for this devastating news? Are you prepared to be shocked?
It seems that Cicero is annoying.
Can you believe it? It is true. Cicero was informed by a colleague in his TSSB last week that by constantly asking ‘why?’, he had started to become annoying.
Although it is true that my favourite word is ‘why’ but in my defence I would argue that ‘why’ is the most powerful word in our language and it is my belief that the ‘why’ word offers all of us in any business the opportunity to create ever lasting change for our people, our customers and our business. Ok, you might want to choose to use it a wee bit more sparingly and less annoyingly than me but it is still a great word to use.
And one thing you will rapidly learn is just how many times you pose the question and how few times you will receive a positive and constructive answer. For the truth is that many people around us, and I include head honchos in this, do things because that is the way they have always been done without really understanding why they are being done that way in the first place.
And so today I want to introduce the 5 Why theory and encourage its use throughout your business.
There is a saying that "Knowledge means nothing without wisdom to profit by it." It's not who we are, who we know or what we know that is important but it's what we do with that knowledge. We all have tremendous power to do good or ill depending on how we put our knowledge to use. Our minds are constantly gathering knowledge of all kinds, both intentionally and subconsciously. If we understand, we can begin to use this knowledge. Too often we focus on collecting knowledge but we lack understanding. 5 Why is the pursuit of understanding. That is why asking "why?" is a most import habit for those of us concerned with making things better.
Sadly this theory is not mine but comes from a Toyota head honcho who introduced the theory to teach people to look beyond the obvious causes of problems and issues to the underlying systemic root causes
The 5 why process works not with asking only five times. Rather it is a practice of persistently asking "why?" until we peel away the layers of apparent reality to the true facts until we have uncovered the real root cause of a problem or have exposed the sheer stupidity and illogicality of the way we do things. Not asking why, and instead believing that we know the answer, causes us to solve the wrong problems or to persist in doing things badly to the detriment of our people, our customers and our business.
Leaders need to be curious, to question, to seek out the truth so they can take more effective action to solve problems and address issues rather than believe they are right and not ask why. Our brains are designed to filter out extra information, to ignore much of what goes on around us and to go with the path that feels right, rather than take time to question deeply. When this works it is called intuition, when it does not it is called confirmation bias. There may be developmental reasons for this related to a species' survival in the wild. Yet we can't afford to ignore evidence that lead us to false paths.
Cicero understands that it must be annoying to be constantly facing a barrage of ‘whys’ but surely it is better to ask why than be condemned to live in the Dark Ages. Why is it wrong to seek progress? Why is it wrong to want to drive change? Why don’t we accept that as leaders it is our duty to challenge our business? Why is…….sorry I am getting carried away, I can’t help myself. Apologies.
Let me finish by quoting Kipling
‘I . know a person small—
She keeps ten million serving-men,
Who get no rest at all!
She sends 'em abroad on her own affairs,
From the second she opens her eyes--
One million Hows, two million Wheres,
And seven million Whys’
Now that must be really annoying. Even I’m not that bad.
Is it only me?
Cicero is indebted this week to his most devoted and bestest subscriber for this update from the Royal Society for the Protection of the Incredibly Stupid.
It now appears that any business that offers any kind of liquid refreshment facility to its customers is supposed to, according to the health and safety gauleiters, install a dish washer so that said drinking bowls can be washed without risk of contamination to its employees. Note contamination to employees not customers.
Is it only me who thinks that is so wrong on a number of levels? Firstly such news will be a devastating blow to our eco-mentalist friends. For while they are going flat out to save the planet, they will not be best pleased that their friends in the RSPIS are equally going flat out to protect individuals from the non existent risk of customer contamination and thereby increasing global warming.
Also this is a ridiculous expense for a small company, and where's the sense in it? When we're at home, do we only ever wash our own crockery? Maybe the health and safety gauleiters should close down any business which serves customers just in case an employee picks up bad habits.
To whom are such people accountable?
Have a great week.
Sit felix. Et sit fortunatus.
Cicero does however have some news that will shock you. Indeed the news that is about to be imparted will be so distressing to you that it will be best if you sit down and make yourself comfortable. Please make sure that there are no sharp objects or hot liquids near you. Cicero does not want yet another visit from the health and safety gauleiters. There is enough stress in Cicero’s life at the moment. Are you sitting comfortably? Are you ready for this devastating news? Are you prepared to be shocked?
It seems that Cicero is annoying.
Can you believe it? It is true. Cicero was informed by a colleague in his TSSB last week that by constantly asking ‘why?’, he had started to become annoying.
Although it is true that my favourite word is ‘why’ but in my defence I would argue that ‘why’ is the most powerful word in our language and it is my belief that the ‘why’ word offers all of us in any business the opportunity to create ever lasting change for our people, our customers and our business. Ok, you might want to choose to use it a wee bit more sparingly and less annoyingly than me but it is still a great word to use.
And one thing you will rapidly learn is just how many times you pose the question and how few times you will receive a positive and constructive answer. For the truth is that many people around us, and I include head honchos in this, do things because that is the way they have always been done without really understanding why they are being done that way in the first place.
And so today I want to introduce the 5 Why theory and encourage its use throughout your business.
There is a saying that "Knowledge means nothing without wisdom to profit by it." It's not who we are, who we know or what we know that is important but it's what we do with that knowledge. We all have tremendous power to do good or ill depending on how we put our knowledge to use. Our minds are constantly gathering knowledge of all kinds, both intentionally and subconsciously. If we understand, we can begin to use this knowledge. Too often we focus on collecting knowledge but we lack understanding. 5 Why is the pursuit of understanding. That is why asking "why?" is a most import habit for those of us concerned with making things better.
Sadly this theory is not mine but comes from a Toyota head honcho who introduced the theory to teach people to look beyond the obvious causes of problems and issues to the underlying systemic root causes
The 5 why process works not with asking only five times. Rather it is a practice of persistently asking "why?" until we peel away the layers of apparent reality to the true facts until we have uncovered the real root cause of a problem or have exposed the sheer stupidity and illogicality of the way we do things. Not asking why, and instead believing that we know the answer, causes us to solve the wrong problems or to persist in doing things badly to the detriment of our people, our customers and our business.
Leaders need to be curious, to question, to seek out the truth so they can take more effective action to solve problems and address issues rather than believe they are right and not ask why. Our brains are designed to filter out extra information, to ignore much of what goes on around us and to go with the path that feels right, rather than take time to question deeply. When this works it is called intuition, when it does not it is called confirmation bias. There may be developmental reasons for this related to a species' survival in the wild. Yet we can't afford to ignore evidence that lead us to false paths.
Cicero understands that it must be annoying to be constantly facing a barrage of ‘whys’ but surely it is better to ask why than be condemned to live in the Dark Ages. Why is it wrong to seek progress? Why is it wrong to want to drive change? Why don’t we accept that as leaders it is our duty to challenge our business? Why is…….sorry I am getting carried away, I can’t help myself. Apologies.
Let me finish by quoting Kipling
‘I . know a person small—
She keeps ten million serving-men,
Who get no rest at all!
She sends 'em abroad on her own affairs,
From the second she opens her eyes--
One million Hows, two million Wheres,
And seven million Whys’
Now that must be really annoying. Even I’m not that bad.
Is it only me?
Cicero is indebted this week to his most devoted and bestest subscriber for this update from the Royal Society for the Protection of the Incredibly Stupid.
It now appears that any business that offers any kind of liquid refreshment facility to its customers is supposed to, according to the health and safety gauleiters, install a dish washer so that said drinking bowls can be washed without risk of contamination to its employees. Note contamination to employees not customers.
Is it only me who thinks that is so wrong on a number of levels? Firstly such news will be a devastating blow to our eco-mentalist friends. For while they are going flat out to save the planet, they will not be best pleased that their friends in the RSPIS are equally going flat out to protect individuals from the non existent risk of customer contamination and thereby increasing global warming.
Also this is a ridiculous expense for a small company, and where's the sense in it? When we're at home, do we only ever wash our own crockery? Maybe the health and safety gauleiters should close down any business which serves customers just in case an employee picks up bad habits.
To whom are such people accountable?
Have a great week.
Sit felix. Et sit fortunatus.
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Two little magic words
Well it seems that my question last week as to why accidents are now incidents stirred up a wee bit of a debate. And Cicero would like to thank those of you who wrote to explain the difference between an incident and an accident. Cicero is not fully convinced that the explanations are at all credible and remains committed to the thesis that someone had nothing better to do one day.
When Cicero was a wee laddie (yes, folks, Cicero was a wee laddie once), Cicero’s mater and pater would constantly chorus when he had been given something ‘what are the two little magic words?’. Now Cicero always was a quick learner and quickly discovered that people would be pleased when he said ‘thank you’. And so it came to pass that thank you became an automatic and well meant response when offered or given something. It was a matter of manners and Cicero always was well mannered, even to this day.
But it seems that like in our business life we have forgotten the two little magic words.
Research has recently been published which divides us is into ‘thankers’ and ‘thank nots’. In other words, those who recognise the importance of appreciating and recognising the effort of their people and those who don’t find this simple courtesy necessary. On which side of the divide are you?
A staggering 16% of people, our people, stated that they never receive a thank you from their line manager. And this figure has increased two-fold from the previous year! How can that be? Is the credit crunch making us less appreciative? Is it something do with health and safety? Or maybe its swine flu, it seems to be blamed for everything else.
Two words, which take approximately one second to speak and less than four seconds to write down, can mean so much to our people and yet so many business people seem to struggle with the concept. Why? Can you help explain this? Maybe those of you with views on the correct use of ‘accident’ and ‘incident’ can help explain why this might be?
Are we embarrassed? Are we ignorant? Are we afraid? And, should you be a ‘thank not’, don’t you dare use the excuse that no one thanks you. Cicero People don’t think like that. Cicero People pick up the napkin and lead. Always.
Think about the number of times during the course of a day we say thank you and for what. Yet it is obvious that there are people out there who find it so difficult to say thanks to those who are working hard to make life easy for customers or helping to make their bosses look good.
43% said that not feeling valued or appreciated contributed greatly to their decision to leave a job. Speaking those two little magic words could prove to be a cost effective solution for staff retention. But more importantly think how much extra effort could be got from our people if we just remember the two little magic words.
A simple ‘thank you’ has a significant effect on how people feel and perform at work so why not test drive my two little magic words today and see the positive effect you can share with the world. Cicero would like to ask you to commit that after reading this you write or say thank you to someone in your business for a job well done. Do it now. Do it today. And let me know how you get on. I look forward to hearing from you. Believe me this is far more important than accident or incident.
Thanks for reading this. It is really appreciated.
Is it only me?
It seems like I can no longer move tables. I don’t know when this happened or why but I am no longer qualified to move a table and if I want a table moved in my workplace I need to log a call and book in advance for a fully qualified table shifter to move my table on my behalf. I kid you not. It seems that only fully trained and certified table shifting operatives have the necessary skills and training and experience to move a table a few feet. I have no doubt that the State has battalions of table shifters waiting to be booked. We might not have enough helicopters for our brave Army boys but never fear we have enough table shifters for our bureaucratic classes. I bet you can sleep easy now you know that.
Of course this is the latest directive from the health and safety gauleiters and I can tell you I am not best pleased. It might only be me but sometimes I shift tables spontaneously. I don’t plan or diarise to shift a table so how am I supposed to pre-book my qualified table shifter.
Don’t worry though I am fighting back. Since the reason given for this policy is health and safety, I have exercised my Freedom of Information rights and have asked for details of all accidents, or incidents (see last week), caused by unplanned and inexperienced table shifting in past 5 years. And in meantime I will continue to shift tables spontaneously until the Health and Safety police take me in for water boarding.
Still good to know how seriously state employees take the protection of the incredibly stupid.
Have a great week.
Sit felix. Et sit fortunatus.
When Cicero was a wee laddie (yes, folks, Cicero was a wee laddie once), Cicero’s mater and pater would constantly chorus when he had been given something ‘what are the two little magic words?’. Now Cicero always was a quick learner and quickly discovered that people would be pleased when he said ‘thank you’. And so it came to pass that thank you became an automatic and well meant response when offered or given something. It was a matter of manners and Cicero always was well mannered, even to this day.
But it seems that like in our business life we have forgotten the two little magic words.
Research has recently been published which divides us is into ‘thankers’ and ‘thank nots’. In other words, those who recognise the importance of appreciating and recognising the effort of their people and those who don’t find this simple courtesy necessary. On which side of the divide are you?
A staggering 16% of people, our people, stated that they never receive a thank you from their line manager. And this figure has increased two-fold from the previous year! How can that be? Is the credit crunch making us less appreciative? Is it something do with health and safety? Or maybe its swine flu, it seems to be blamed for everything else.
Two words, which take approximately one second to speak and less than four seconds to write down, can mean so much to our people and yet so many business people seem to struggle with the concept. Why? Can you help explain this? Maybe those of you with views on the correct use of ‘accident’ and ‘incident’ can help explain why this might be?
Are we embarrassed? Are we ignorant? Are we afraid? And, should you be a ‘thank not’, don’t you dare use the excuse that no one thanks you. Cicero People don’t think like that. Cicero People pick up the napkin and lead. Always.
Think about the number of times during the course of a day we say thank you and for what. Yet it is obvious that there are people out there who find it so difficult to say thanks to those who are working hard to make life easy for customers or helping to make their bosses look good.
43% said that not feeling valued or appreciated contributed greatly to their decision to leave a job. Speaking those two little magic words could prove to be a cost effective solution for staff retention. But more importantly think how much extra effort could be got from our people if we just remember the two little magic words.
A simple ‘thank you’ has a significant effect on how people feel and perform at work so why not test drive my two little magic words today and see the positive effect you can share with the world. Cicero would like to ask you to commit that after reading this you write or say thank you to someone in your business for a job well done. Do it now. Do it today. And let me know how you get on. I look forward to hearing from you. Believe me this is far more important than accident or incident.
Thanks for reading this. It is really appreciated.
Is it only me?
It seems like I can no longer move tables. I don’t know when this happened or why but I am no longer qualified to move a table and if I want a table moved in my workplace I need to log a call and book in advance for a fully qualified table shifter to move my table on my behalf. I kid you not. It seems that only fully trained and certified table shifting operatives have the necessary skills and training and experience to move a table a few feet. I have no doubt that the State has battalions of table shifters waiting to be booked. We might not have enough helicopters for our brave Army boys but never fear we have enough table shifters for our bureaucratic classes. I bet you can sleep easy now you know that.
Of course this is the latest directive from the health and safety gauleiters and I can tell you I am not best pleased. It might only be me but sometimes I shift tables spontaneously. I don’t plan or diarise to shift a table so how am I supposed to pre-book my qualified table shifter.
Don’t worry though I am fighting back. Since the reason given for this policy is health and safety, I have exercised my Freedom of Information rights and have asked for details of all accidents, or incidents (see last week), caused by unplanned and inexperienced table shifting in past 5 years. And in meantime I will continue to shift tables spontaneously until the Health and Safety police take me in for water boarding.
Still good to know how seriously state employees take the protection of the incredibly stupid.
Have a great week.
Sit felix. Et sit fortunatus.
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