A word in your Shell

It would seem that the eco- and enviro-mentalists, who believe that the only creature of any significance on the planet are polar bears, truly are mental.

And Cicero is raging that these poor deluded people who have been duped into thinking and believing that our wonky weather is man-made, now have childrens’ play time in their sights with Lego bricks now being used as the latest weapon by these mentalists to save the planet…supposedly.

Pathetic.

For it has been brought to Cicero’s attention that Lego has recently ended a 50 year partnership with Shell which was designed to put Lego bricks into the hands of kiddiwinkles across the land and encouraging play, stimulating creativity, generating imagination, all good qualities one would have thought.

And Cicero believes we should be doing more to encourage these very fine qualities if we are to remain a land of invention and innovation and entrepreneurship.

But such qualities do not cut much ice with the mentalists if it threatens polar bears. And seemingly it does. But only if you have the warped and disturbed mind of a mentalist.

Now you may be wondering what Lego has done or is doing wrong in the eyes of the mentalists. And the answer…nothing apart from being best mates with Shell who have been drilling among the polar bears so that we can keep the lights on, our homes heated and our factories working that we might all enjoy a 21^st century lifestyle and not one more akin to Stone Age dwellers.

But the mentalists don’t like this and so have bullied and blackmailed Lego and targeted the play time of our kiddies.  The mentalists have even turned up at Legoland no doubt to scare the next generation and to brain wash them into believing that our planet is seconds away from expiry.

Now Cicero may have missed something but oil is a totally legal product and Shell is a truly legitimate company and drilling for oil is a legitimate business concern. Surely the Two Caesars have not prohibited such activities. Mr Nick does come up with cranky ideas from time to time but Posh Dave is there to stop such nonsense ever getting anywhere near the legislative process. Has he failed this time? Has he taken leave of his senses?

No it would seem not. This is yet another example of the mentalists imposing their distorted logic onto the lives of Cicero, the wider society, and onto the innocent and undisturbed minds of our kiddies.

And why have the Board and Management of Lego not shown more backbone? Why did they feel it necessary to cave into the craven blackmail of the mentalists? Surely they should have done more to protect the innocence of children playing with their bricks? And defended the legitimate right of us all to free speech and to have the temerity to express a contrary view about polar bears, wonky weather and melting ice caps?

Maybe they should have borrowed the stiff and unyielding backbone of their Lego men and women.

For how much longer are we going to tolerate the mentalists imposing their views? Cicero says to these disturbed people-‘seek help, leave us alone, especially the kids, and get back in your shells’.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Dead stupid

Should anyone think that Cicero has turned over a new leaf and is now thinking differently after my previous tale of humility and compassion, be assured that this week normal service will be resumed. 

Today he will uncover and target yet another example of crass stupidity in his quest to improve customer service one business at a time.

It is a thankless task but a job that has to be done otherwise we condemn the next customer to appalling, unthinking, unintelligent and de-humanised customer service.

Long suffering readers will know that the most widely quoted causes of inaction by businesses and their people here usually involve health and safety or data protection or following due process. In other words more emphasis is given to satisfying the needs of the health and safety gauleiters, of the business prevention compliance unit, or of the boss, rather than doing the right thing for the customer and applying some common sense.

This recent example from Cicero’s immense back catalogue of customer service howlers will illustrate this nicely.

Imagine, if you will, a telephone call between Cicero and the customer service unit of a well- established and highly-known insurance company.

Insurance Company: Good morning, can I take your policy number, please

Cicero: would it not be better if you treated me as a person not a number and asked for my name first

 

Insurance Company: I appreciate what you are saying but my computer says I must ask for policy number first

Cicero: Why?

Insurance Company: It is company policy. I guess it is in case you are not who you are

Cicero: And how does asking for my policy number verify that?

At this point there is much to-ing and fro-ing between Cicero and Insurance Company in a failed attempt to argue the logic of this case.

We now cut to the crux of the debate.

Cicero: Now we have established my bona fides, I would like to claim on an insurance policy taken out by my grandmother.

Insurance Company: We need your grandmother’s permission before we can discuss this. Do you have this?

Cicero: No. She is dead. That is why I am claiming on the policy.

Insurance Company: We still need her permission. Is there no way you can get her written authorisation?

Cicero: Are you seriously saying that I need the written authorisation from a dead person before I can make a claim? No, I have just checked it’s not April 1^st.

Insurance Company: Yes, it is data protection.

Cicero: Perhaps you might be able to give me a few pointers as to how I can get written authority from someone who is dead and even if she were still alive it is very unlikely that she would be given she would now be 138 at next birthday.

Insurance Company: Yes I can see that but to conform to my procedures and with Data Protection I cannot proceed unless we have written authority.

You really couldn’t make it up, could you?

After a few more moments of such badinage with the irrestible logic of Cicero continuing to bang up against the immovable dumbness of the clerk, the conversation was taken over by one whose pay grade entitled him to a few more brain cells. This resolved the conversation to Cicero’s satisfaction with a promise to review processes, to send away the hapless clerk for re-education and a cheque to charity to compensate for Cicero’s inconvenience that he had to deal with such abject stupidity.

Maybe if the business and its people had been a bit more obsessed with the customer and less in thrall to its own processes, to its business prevention compliance police, to a culture of disempowerment and fear, such stupidity could be averted. 

A lesson for many businesses.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Ever so humble

Cicero will be the first man to admit that humility and Marcus Tullius Cicero are not words that you will see together too often. This is not to say that Cicero is arrogant, well at least we hope not, but not many would describe Cicero as humble. 

And as regular readers of these words will testify, Cicero is often quick to criticise, to lampoon and to pass judgement. Especially if you do a job funded by the taxpayer.

And yet these are some of the very people who in recent weeks and months have humbled Cicero. Indeed they have inspired the Old Man today to write this eulogy to the selfless dedication, humanity and genuine warmth of those who man (assuming of course that Harry Harperson has not banned this word)  the wards in our hospitals, our nurses.

Over the last few weeks Cicero has spent more time than he would have liked in hospital. There is no need to fear-Cicero remains hale and hearty and will be the scourge of nonsense for years to come. It was not Cicero who needed the ministrations of our Health Service but someone far older and ancient than he, whose time on this green and pleasant land was drawing slowly and gently to its natural end.

And in the course of this Cicero witnessed and marvelled at the actions and behaviours who daily toil among the dying and the sick. Few, in Cicero’s daily experience, exhibit such compassion, gentleness and understanding on such a sustained basis.

Not only do they tend to the dying to ensure their last days and hours are as comfortable as possible but they also care for the needs of the living, those who will be left behind. Tears were shared, the anguish heard, pain assuaged.

We, mere mortals, will do this a few times in our life. They do it every day but they do it as if this was the first time, as if you were the only one going through this. And this is truly something to marvel at, to laud and to recognise.

And in the middle of the night, when the final moments come, and you are still on the road to the hospital, they will ensure that no one shuffles off this mortal coil alone. They will be there with a gentle stroke of the hand, a kind word, a soft light.

They care. They understand. They humble.

So let’s hear it for Britain’s nurses and for all they do to tend to the dying, the poorly and the living. And may they be an example to us all. They are to Cicero.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. 

A nudge towards independence

Once again Cicero is going to allude to the wee stramash that is currently going on to the north of the Wall of Hadrian. For there is much that many of us who reside to the south can learn.

And by the time you get to read this, the result may be known, but whether Eck Salmond and his acolytes have won the debate or not, the learnings remain relevant.

As you know Cicero is a great fan of behavioural science or ‘nudge’ as it is known to some. And it would appear that Eck is a keen student of this approach also. Unlike Posh Dave and the Two Caesars.

You might think that a referendum question is easy to formulate.

No.

The same question can be asked in a variety of ways. Dependent on the answer that is required. And Eck knows for sure exactly what answer he wants. Do the Two Caesars?

For example the voters of the Celtic clans are going to be asked ‘Should Scotland be an independent country? Yes or No.’

It could have asked ‘Do you want Scotland to remain as part of the United Kingdom? Yes or no?’

Same question. Same outcome. Or so you might think.

But here Eck played a blinder and in a vote where every vote might count, an understanding of behavioural science might end up nudging Eck over the line and the Celtic tribes into independence and freedom.

No matter the question, yes is positive, it is constructive, it is optimistic. No is the exact opposite. Everything that is good about saying yes is as bad when we say no.

We want to say yes. We don’t want to say no. Sales people learn this with their mother’s milk and if you listen carefully to their patter will try to get their mark into a yes frame of mind as early and as often as they can in the conversation.

And Eck is a great salesman, whatever you might think of his political patter.

Thinking about it is no wonder that the ‘No’ people have been struggling to paint an optimistic vision for the the northern clans and tribes staying with the two Caesars when they start out with one hand tied behind their back and their legs tied together.

The ‘Aye’ or ‘Naw’ question being asked may not be the silver bullet to independence and freedom but Cicero, always a keen student and thinker of behavioural science thinks, in the tight race this is shaping up to be, might just add a few yes extra yes votes to the pile and might end up in rUK needing a new flag.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. 

To be a nation again

It may not have escaped your notice that in just a few weeks the tribes to the north of the Wall of Hadrian are going to decide whether or not the Union Flag should continue to have a blue background. And one or two other things besides.

This is a debate from which Cicero has stood aside. Mainly because he is disenfranchised in this election and just as we tell Mr Putin to stop interfering in the affairs of a sovereign nation, he believes that those who live to the south of the Wall should not interfere in the politics and affairs of those fortunate to live in the enlightened land to its north.

But there is one thought that Cicero has observed and would like to share.

Any observer would note that those who are encouraging the tribes to say aye are expected to have all the answers, to have very i dotted and t crossed, and every loose end tied up before Xs are applied to the ballot paper.

Eck himself, or Alex Salmond as the press know him, is often criticised on this. Especially when it comes to the bawbees the new nation will use.

But as Cicero would like to point out this is impossible. So cut the guy some slack. And maybe this is a flaw in the process. Maybe the Celtic tribes should have two votes. Heaven forbid.

For it is striking that on many issues Eck on his own cannot decide the final outcome. He needs others to come to the table and they are not going to come to the table until they know whether it is aye or naw.

Take the bawbee issue, for example. Eck can say what he would like to see happen but until the Two Caesars or even the Last Lot say what they want, no one will know for sure what will be the shape and the bawbees the tribes will have in their pocket.

Same for nuclear weapons. Same for EU membership. Same for pensions, health and everything else for that matter. It takes two to tango and so far there is only Eck on the dance floor.

So let us be clear.

At this stage Eck is only being given a mandate to negotiate. He is clear about what he wants. No one else is. And until they show their hand no one can be sure if Eck’s vision for a free and independent Scotland is what they will get.

This is not an argument that it is all too uncertain and risky so the answer ought to be naw.

Instead it is an argument for a 2 stage process. Stage one to give Eck a mandate from the peoples to negotiate a fair settlement for an independent Scotland.  Followed by a second vote to ensure that everyone happy (well at least 51%) happy that all every i has been satisfactorily dotted and every t fully crossed.

Only then can the tribes be sure that this will work or not and that they are not buying a pig in a poke.

Two votes? God help all who live up there.

Have a great week

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Buds are for flowers

Cicero would like to apologise that due to unforeseen and unavoidable family matters his presence has been lacking for a few weeks. Hopefully you will all be re-assured to welcome his return to the blogosphere.

Yesterday evening when wending his weary home from the centre for creative and marketing excellence where he is currently privileged to ply his trade, Cicero had to stop at a local petrol station to fill up his chariot.

This was naturally quite straightforward.

The madness started when he stepped up to pay for his fuel

.

When asked to specify what pump he had used, the acne disfigured youth who was manning the pay station and with whom Cicero was totally unfamiliar, referred to Cicero as ‘mate’.

When he was informed of the amount owed, Cicero was now known as ‘buddy’.

And when asked to enter the four digits that compose his PIN he was now ‘bud’.

This level of faux and faked familiarity shows the contempt with which this well-known petroleum retailer shows its customers. Cicero wants respect not familiarity from those to whom Cicero hands over his bawbees. The occasional ‘sir’ would not go amiss.

And surely given the name is on the card it  is not beyond the wit of the pimply and acned yoof who seem to man pay stations everywhere these days-something to do with Minimum Pay it is wagered- to use this information to apply the correct soubriquet (Mr, Mrs, Miss, Ms) and use the name.

We call this respect for those who pay the wages of those who choose to serve us, the customer.

So let this be a warning to any out there who may get the chance to serve Cicero in the coming days, weeks, months, years. Do not think of him or refer to him as a mate, buddy, bud, pal or any other word that implies friendship or kinship unless and until and not before he has acknowledged your friendship and admitted you to his small and close rank of friends.

Until that point he is Mr Cicero or even Sir.

Got it.

Buds are for flowers not customers.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. 

Stadium Anthem

No doubt you will have found time in your schedules this week to watch the Opening Ceremony of the Commonwealth Games, beamed live to you from the Mean City to the north of the Wall of Hadrian, they call Glasgow.

You will no doubt have your own opinions on the entertainment value of this spectacle but one item in particular irked Cicero and induced splenetic rage as he watched.

Why did they have to sing the National Anthem to serenade Betty when she arrived in the stadium with Chookie?

Totally inappropriate, Cicero spluttered.

It is not that he is anti-royalist, Cicero is after all strictly apolitical as you will know.

But this was an event held in Glasgow, Scotland. Scotland was the host nation. It was the history and culture of Scotland that was the centre piece of the Ceremony. And in case anyone was in any doubt where the games were, the biggest cheer of the evening was reserved for the Scots as they entered the stadium under the Cross of St Andrews.

So why was Betty not serenaded with ‘Flower of Scotland’?

If these games had been held in Canada, New Zealand or Australia, do you think ‘God save the Queen’ would be sung? Of course not. We would have what passes for their National Anthems. So why did anyone think it right that the Celts and Picts should be denied their cultural inheritance and be forced to listen to and to sing an anti Scots song (listen to third verse for proof of this). This is cultural imperialism.

What will be sung when Scotland win their Gold Medals? ‘Flower of Scotland’ of course. So it must be the National Anthem of the Celts and Picts.

At the London Olympics North Korea were mightily offended and went on strike when the South Korea flag appeared next to their country’s name. This is a diplomatic offence of the same order and will no doubt garner a few more yes for the Big Vote.

Surely someone should have spotted this before the faux pas was committed. Heads should roll.

We should however be grateful that Betty’s Serenade was not drowned out with the sound-turned-up volley of jeers, boos and cat calls that usually greet the Serenade when sung North of the Wall of Hadrian. That would have been embarrassing for all concerned

.

So thank God for the good grace and sense of the people of Glasgow. We should of course expect not anything less from such a friendly, hospital and personable tribe.

As they themselves said and sang out loud in front of our own very eyes,

‘Come in, come in, it’s nice to see you,

How’s yoursel’ you’re looking grand,

Tak’ a seat and ha’e a drammie,

Man, you’re welcome here’s my hand.

Even Betty and Chookie.

Have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.