For whom the bell tolls

Bonjour.

Very little feedback on last week’s words of wit and wisdom so obviously not thought provoking or unreasonable enough for you, the only true test for this column. Dearie me.

But we did get a comment from a doctor, no less. We are moving up in the world. And the really scary thing about his comment is that he agrees with our diagnosis on the NHS. Even he, with initials before and after his name, can’t get an appointment either. This is more serious than we thought. We shall return to this topic.
Anyone else from the NHS care to comment?

And someone did ask why someone like Cicero is using the NHS with all its flaws, defects and problems. It is assumed that Cicero would pay for medical treatment to avoid having to queue with the great unwashed. You forget whence Cicero comes...why pay again for something which has already been paid for and when it can be obtained for ‘free’?

Today we are going to set a wee test and I would like as many of you possible to write in with your thoughts. There will be a prize. And even though this competition will test your creative juices it will have great relevance to all of us in business. Even Apparatchiks can play this game though its real world relevance might be limited though there is no need why it should be.

One day the great Ernest Hemingway was challenged, no doubt in a bar over a couple of Ryes and soda, his tipple of choice, to write a story in six words or less.

Ern thought about it for a moment, grabbed pen and paper and wrote this emotional, intriguing and cliff hanging yarn

‘For sale. Baby’s shoes. Never worn.’

Now this tale might lack the polish and finish of say ‘The Da Vinci Code’. It might not be enough to amuse you on a long journey. And it is unlikely to be made into a movie. But it is one helluva of a story and the sequel is sure to be umissable.

And so your test this week is to come up with a similar work in fiction in six words or less and as promised there will be a prize for the winner.

But let’s not stop there for we can apply the Hemingway test to many situations.

For example last week Cicero was challenged to apply the Hemingway Test to come up with a reason why anyone should want to buy the Luvvie Brand where he is currently plying his trade.

Could you come up with a compelling, engaging, relevant and distinctive story to explain your brand in six words or less? Go on, try it. Yes, that’s you, do it now. Even if you are working in Third Sector as we now call charities, this applies to you. Remember you too are in competition for donations and handouts so you too must be able to do the Hemingway Test.

And just think too of all the money that could be saved on mission and vision statements if Head Honchos could develop in less than 6 words a compelling story why their people should get out of bed and come into work inspired and motivated to build the brand across every touch point.

You may have heard this before but it is always apposite to quote the cleaner at NASA asked by JFK what her job was replied

‘My job, sir, is to help put a man on the moon’.

Nothing long winded about that. And exciting, inspiring and motivating. Hemingway would be proud. Now let’s see if you can do any better.

Is it only me..........but here’s a funny thing

Within hours of the recent tragedy in Japan my phone was awash with text jokes finding humour in this situation. And in parallel my inbox was soon filled with humour in the same vein. Now this is not the place to disseminate further this kind of humour so if you came here looking for sick jokes, then you have come to the wrong place, pal.

Now the same thing happened after the Christchurch earthquake, the death of Michael Jackson, indeed after any sad event sick, deranged and depraved humour swiftly criss-crosses the globe. Indeed there were even jokes from those with racist tendencies following the recent victory of the Welsh tribes over the Pictish tribes. How sick can you get?

Indeed I have heard from one devotee reader of these pages whose works takes him away from civilisation for long periods of time, that when he eventually reaches shores and approaches a mobile phone signal sick texts are what alerts him and his mates to news of tragic import that they will have missed while they were ruling the waves on our behalf. Surely a better source of reliable news than the usual news outlets. Sir John Reith, eat your heart out!

Now we may think that jokes in such taste are inherently bad and sick but I am sure that many psychologists will agree that black humour can be a very effective antidote to tragedy and provide an escape value for society allowing it to grieve and share emotions safely. Well at least that’s my defence and for those of you in receipt of my texts and mails in this vein, please remember that I am in fact performing a useful social service.

Now it might only be me but I am always curious as to where these jokes that travel and cross borders with such ease, actually start. Who is sitting there with pen and finger poised over PC or phone or iThingymybob keyboard scanning the news from around the world looking for the any item announcing the arrival of any one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

I would love to trace these so called jokes back to their source. Is there a factory or somewhere in the Developing World or a sweat shop in the back streets of some northern town where labourers toil for long hours earning a pittance working without the protection of Employment, Health and Safety and Minimum Wage Laws turning out these gags? If so we should inform the Guardianistas. They hate this kind of thing.

If anyone knows how and where these jokes start can they please let us know.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.