Stadium Anthem

No doubt you will have found time in your schedules this week to watch the Opening Ceremony of the Commonwealth Games, beamed live to you from the Mean City to the north of the Wall of Hadrian, they call Glasgow.

You will no doubt have your own opinions on the entertainment value of this spectacle but one item in particular irked Cicero and induced splenetic rage as he watched.

Why did they have to sing the National Anthem to serenade Betty when she arrived in the stadium with Chookie?

Totally inappropriate, Cicero spluttered.

It is not that he is anti-royalist, Cicero is after all strictly apolitical as you will know.

But this was an event held in Glasgow, Scotland. Scotland was the host nation. It was the history and culture of Scotland that was the centre piece of the Ceremony. And in case anyone was in any doubt where the games were, the biggest cheer of the evening was reserved for the Scots as they entered the stadium under the Cross of St Andrews.

So why was Betty not serenaded with ‘Flower of Scotland’?

If these games had been held in Canada, New Zealand or Australia, do you think ‘God save the Queen’ would be sung? Of course not. We would have what passes for their National Anthems. So why did anyone think it right that the Celts and Picts should be denied their cultural inheritance and be forced to listen to and to sing an anti Scots song (listen to third verse for proof of this). This is cultural imperialism.

What will be sung when Scotland win their Gold Medals? ‘Flower of Scotland’ of course. So it must be the National Anthem of the Celts and Picts.

At the London Olympics North Korea were mightily offended and went on strike when the South Korea flag appeared next to their country’s name. This is a diplomatic offence of the same order and will no doubt garner a few more yes for the Big Vote.

Surely someone should have spotted this before the faux pas was committed. Heads should roll.

We should however be grateful that Betty’s Serenade was not drowned out with the sound-turned-up volley of jeers, boos and cat calls that usually greet the Serenade when sung North of the Wall of Hadrian. That would have been embarrassing for all concerned

.

So thank God for the good grace and sense of the people of Glasgow. We should of course expect not anything less from such a friendly, hospital and personable tribe.

As they themselves said and sang out loud in front of our own very eyes,

‘Come in, come in, it’s nice to see you,

How’s yoursel’ you’re looking grand,

Tak’ a seat and ha’e a drammie,

Man, you’re welcome here’s my hand.

Even Betty and Chookie.

Have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Epic fail

Cicero is aghast. No surprise there then. 

You may have seen or heard about the letter sent by a primary school to its kiddy-winkles along with their SAT results. If you have not seen or heard about this, where have you been? According to Cicero’s sources the letter has like the Black Death and Spanish Flu swept everyone along in its path and gone viral. (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lancashire-28319907)

Given the praise that has been lavished on it you would think it was a newly discovered letter of Pliny rather than a note from a teacher to her kiddies.

And the purpose of this wee note? To let her brood know that it was not the results from the tests that made her weans ‘special and unique’.That her kids were more than their SAT result.  In other words the results from the tests didn’t matter. Failure was permissible.

It is precisely this no ambition, no expectation attitude that is undermining this country and holding it back.

Misplaced confidence like this in the end makes people look foolish. The cotton-wool world created by this people where no-one fails is why we have a generation with few skills and an expectation that things are handed to them on a plate.

Is it any wonder with that kind of attitude that we loiter near the bottom of most league tables for educational attainment?

And it is so so depressing that so so many people think it ok to share such an attitude.

Cicero has even heard of under-graduates who are being forced to spend the summer visiting the library to ‘better their marks’. No. You failed your exams and you are having to re-sit. We do not need euphemisms to hide this fact. 

And it is a similar attitude that means sports competitions are often neutered and rendered meaningless because no one must be seen to lose; why a local newspaper has stopped printing children’s football league tables so as not to heap humiliation on those at the bottom; and schools sports days are a joke.

It is a wonder with this attitude that we won anything at the Olympics. But of course there we were significantly helped there by the disproportionate number of athletes educated at elite schools where you pay for the privilege of being first, last and anything in between.

Failure should be embraced. Not hidden away from. It breeds winners, resilience and bounce-back-ability. Skills we surely want the generation that is going to pay our pensions to have in abundance. This is the way to succeed.

And it gives a kick up in the arse to those who failed to pull their finger out for their SATS, A Levels or degrees.

And this is why it is so wrong for trendy-lefty trained educators to declare publicly and with great gusto that it is ok to fail.

This is nonsense.

Have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Exit stage left

In order to eat and to eat well Cicero must from time to time visit one of the many supermarket chains that have today helped destroy the nation’s High St and which have rendered obsolete the local butcher, baker and candlestick maker.

Naturally he has a favourite but this is a medium that does not accept nor do product placement so the brand name, or even colours of said supermarket of choice, will not be divulged in these musings.

But through force of circumstance he had to use another brand this weekend. It was a chastening experience to see how others shop. But he also learnt something interesting. And this might explain a lot.

In this supermarket to indicate how chariots should leave the Chariot Park, there was a big sign and arrow marked ‘OUT’.

At Cicero’s food emporium of choice the customers are encouraged to leave via the exit. Clearly this is a supermarket that encourages speakers of Latin and readers of Cicero, Ovid and Livy.  An emporium which does not feel the need to talk down to its customers.

Cicero likes this.

It is also interesting to note that in the Dumb Down Supermarket there are lanes for those whose baskets contain ‘ten items or less’. This is grammatically incorrect and as well as targeting those who have not bothered to learn Latin, this is clearly a brand whose customers couldn’t give a damn about the correct use of English grammar, a language they are supposed to be native in.

Naturally Cicero’s chosen emporium, Educated Supermarket, knows what is right and wrong when it comes to English and its lanes are for those with ‘ten items or fewer’.

Surely everyone knows that it is fewer when you can count items individually. Hence ten items or fewer. But it is ‘less milk in my tea’. Cicero knows you know this.

It is also likely that Dumb Down Supermarket and its customers will struggle with the correct use of apostrophes, gerunds and gerundives and split infinitives but further investigation is required on these topics.

But here’s the thing.

Dumb Down Supermarket is struggling. It is attracting fewer customers and who are buying and spending less. Educated Supermarket is doing very well and going from strength to strength.

Is there a cause and effect at work here? Cicero thinks so.

So to succeed as a shop keeper these days in a market that is fiercely competitive, the strategy is simple-use Latin wherever possible and know your English grammar. This will show your breeding.

Have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Better together?

For those of Cicero’s many devotees who do not live to the north of the Wall of Hadrian, you may not know, but in a few weeks time there is every likelihood that the UK may be no more. Of course this will only happen should the Celts and Picts who inhabit this rugged land say yes. And they might.

Now this is a debate that to date Cicero has pointedly refused to enter. In his mind it is for the Northern Tribes to reach their own conclusion, and they should be trusted to do the right thing, without interference from beyond their shores.

And to this end Cicero would ask that Obama, El Pape, the Two Caesars and anyone else who was not weaned on Irn Bru and Haggis shut their gobs and haud their wheesht.

For every time a non Celt opens their mouth and pontificates about the UK’s constitutional settlement, they put their feet in it. Both of them. Sideways.

And when they do, yet another Celt or Pict votes  yes.

And this affliction reaches deep into the Populus as this example illustrates.

In a recent conversation with some Angles Cicero was advised that the business in whose premises coffee was being consumed had outlets in Scotland and the UK.

Let me repeat.

These Angles considered Scotland to be separate from the UK.

Now this might be wishful thinking. Or a presumption that the Celts will say yes. Or more likely ignorance.

Do these people not know that for the last 307 years Scotland and England have been joined together in a false construct of nationhood called the United Kingdom?

And this is not the only occurrence of such ignorance that Cicero has come across. Too often Angles say England when they mean Britain and Britain when they mean England. Unless they desist from such malapropisms the Union may well be rent asunder. Though some might assert that that is no bad thing. Cicero is hauding his wheesht.

With thinking like this it is hardly surprising that the Celts might think that if the Angles don’t see them as part of the same nation, why should they bother perpetuating a so-called Union which no one believes exist anyway.

Better together? You must be joking. You don’t even who know a Union exists.

Have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Everyone out...

Cicero is grateful to all who have engaged with recent musings. Debate is healthy. Even when the thinking is unsound and flawed.

Seemingly the Apparatchiks are angry. And this week it has been reported that over one million of them have gone on strike.

Did you notice? Nope, nor did Cicero. Makes one think. If one million people can have a Duvet Day at the expense of those who pay their wages and fund their old age, and few notices, we have to ask ‘what exactly is it you do every day?’

Cicero is sure that if we encouraged more of our Apparatchiks to take more Duvet Days more often, surely we could save a small fortune. And maybe even cut our taxes. Or plough into value adding services. Like education. Cicero is a huge fan of education.

Let us move on.

Now there are many things so wrong with this strike. Cicero does not have the time to address the many wrong issues here.

So we are not going to discuss the lack of a democratic mandate for these Duvet Days. How can 20% of a union’s membership be a mandate for action? Cicero is with the Two Caesars on this. We need a higher threshold before these Union Dinosaurs can hold a nation to supposed ransom by taking ad hoc and random Duvet Days. Well they might if their members did anything useful.

Nor are we going to discuss the Union Dinosaurs’ inability to enter and join the Real World, the place where Cicero and many million others live, work and earn their bawbees.

In the Real World no one these days gets a cost of living pay rise. Bankers excepted of course.

In the Real World no one has a gold plated pension these days.

In the Real World no one has Appartchik-esque job security.

In the Real World, thanks to medical advances, no one believes that we will be able to leave the world of work and sail off in to the horizon when we reach 60.

And in the Real World many of us will be performance rated. Fail to perform, you are out.

This is a world unrecognisable to Apparatchiks.

So why should Cicero and everyone else in the value creating economy subsidise the lifestyle of those who don’t? It is a nonsense.

But Cicero is not going to talk about those issues.

Instead today Cicero is going to counsel and provide career advice to those who want him to fund even more lavishly and richly the nests of those who claim to be Public Servants.

And Cicero’s advice is simple, straightforward and succinct.

For it is clear that having listened extensively to the bleating of the Union Dinosaurs they seem to have a problem being Apparatchiks, despite the job security, the tax payer funded gold plated pensions exclusive to them, and the excess holidays they receive especially when combined with extra Duvet Days. The pay is crap seemingly. The hours long and excessive. They have to pay more and work longer for their pensions. They are being held accountable for performance. Bless.

So if you don’t like what you doing now, do something else. It’s quite simple. Exactly what is holding you back? Is it because you do know that the grass is not all greener?

Have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. 

The Case of the Cup Cake

This is going to be controversial. But what the hell.

It can be very confusing living in the Land of The Angles in this day and age, thinks Cicero.

In recent weeks there has been much debate about British values with the Nation’s Head Teacher, Michael Gove, admirably supported by the Two Caesars, creating, upholding and pontificating upon ‘fundamental British values’.

Do you know what these might be? Nope, neither did Cicero, but seemingly for the Angles and for those non-Angles who wish to live among the Angles, these have been defined as including ‘the principles of democracy, the rule of law, individual liberty, mutual respect and tolerance of those with different faiths and beliefs.

At least we should be grateful these say nothing about the need to protect polar bears, to comply with the demands of Health and Safety Gauleiters, or to ensure we all have access to cosmetic surgery. Let’s be thankful for small mercies.

But Cicero does wonder just how tolerant the Angles are, how free is speech, how much liberty the individual actually has.

Consider Exhibit One-The Case of the Cup Cake (and there are many more witnesses to call but we will illustrate the issue on this occasion with this one case).

In a corner of Angle Land a Christian-owned, -run and –managed bakery was asked to produce cup cakes with slogans promoting gay marriage. It politely declined the order as it conflicted with its deeply held religious beliefs. And now it is being taken to court by the Equality Commission for breaching equality law. (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-28206581)

Now to be clear Cicero is not arguing the rights and wrongs of gay marriage here but he is arguing that if we are to be true to the ‘fundamental British values’ of the Nation’s Head Master, are the Cup Cake Makers not entitled to their views?

They are not acting out of blind irrational prejudice but from deeply held religious beliefs and principles. We should be as tolerant of these as we are of people’s right to promote gay marriage. Mr Gove and the Two Caesars say we ought to.

So why is the Equality Commission using Cicero’s and your hard earned bawbees to threaten and bully?

After all there must be more than one Cup Cake Maker in this corner of Angle Land.

Surely we must not lose sight of the axiom that while ‘I may not agree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it’.

Should he ever hear about the Case of the Cup Cake, Voltaire would be spinning in his grave.

Do you agree, learned readers?

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

Could someone explain to Cicero why some people, usually Distaffs, have an unhealthy obsession with cosmetic surgery?

He really doesn’t get it.

It is a mystery to a wizened old prune like Cicero why Distaffs subject themselves voluntarily to needless and pointless surgery, pills, potion and injections to the point of pain. And they even have to pay good bawbees for the privilege of being pained, a lot of good bawbees in fact.

It is not as if they are sick. Or are they? Maybe they are like junkies always needing a fix, the next nip and tuck, the next cosmetic application.

Cicero has got through the many years of his life by sticking to his oft quoted maxim that if it can’t be fixed with a comb, it is not worth bothering about. And yet even with such a minimal beauty treatment he still manages to appear highly presentable at all times.

Cicero has heard tell of one so-called ‘Human Barbie’ reputed to have spent in excess of £250 000 over hundreds of nips and tucks and injections and augmentations so that she might look good. Why?

It has been said that some require these superficial and artificial crutches to remedy and address self-esteem issues. Really? It would be much cheaper and far less painful to buy and read a book. Broaden the mind not the bust seems to Cicero to be a much better strategy to improving self-esteem.

And in this regard he would recommend anything by his mates Livy, Ovid and Demosthenes but suggests you avoid Catullus. Of course anything by Cicero himself would be might fine. They can of course be ordered on that modern day invention called Amazon.

Cicero has found through many centuries that books are a far more satisfying, less painful and not as costly way to plug self-esteem gaps.

And maybe learned readers of these fine words might care to identify other ways to improve self-esteem. Answers below, please.

Distaffs, you are fine as you are. Stop treating your bodies as a building requiring constant renovation and repair.

In the meantime have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Waiter, waiter

It has been brought to Cicero’s attention that his recent musings have been negative and whining. This has come as a total surprise as Cicero has to date much prided himself on his critically constructive approach to the many follies of the world. Consequently he sends his apologies if he is perceived as failing.

And so today Cicero seeks to defend a practice that others have recently attacked. It is not a big issue but it is not always important to seek to change the big things in life.

You will be aware that it is common practice in many inns, hotels and taverns that breakfast is a do it yourself, self-service kind of affair. For every other meal you are served at the table by a serving wench or serving boy but for breakfast you can often be expected to choose and help yourself although if you are lucky you might be served tea and coffee.

Cicero does not see anything wrong with such a practice.

Others do. And have viciously attacked such customs through their own propaganda organs claiming that while the waiting staff do nothing but stand around and watch that no one runs off with the cutlery, paying guests are expected to go and fetch their own breakfasts.

What is your problem?

You seem to be ignoring the many many advantages in choosing for yourself what you want to eat. Firstly you are totally empowered to ignore the Black Pudding and Kedgeree and any other stuff you don’t like and instead give your undivided attention to those foodstuffs you like. Surely reducing food waste is a good thing. It helps the polar bears. Seemingly.

And this leads to the second advantage in such an approach. You can have as much fatty cholesterol as you like. No one is counting how many sausages, rashers of bacon, croissants and hash browns you load your plate with. Nor is anyone watching how many times you visit the cold meat and cheese platters; the fresh fruit and yoghurt bowls; or the fry up plates.

This is just perfect for a man with a healthy appetite like Cicero. Imagine if you had to pay for breakfast like you do for your other meals. It would be approaching the GDP of a small country.

And of course by making you get up and down it helps shift the avoirdupois that the carb loading puts on.

Quite frankly Cicero would argue that such a system should be rolled out at other mealtimes.

And if you don’t like it, stay at home. This works.

Have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.