The ripple effect

Salvete.

It is always interesting to note how you respond to these words of wit and wisdom and that is why using the comment facility is always very helpful and interesting. Good to know what you like, what you don’t and what generates shrieks of howls and outrage.

And it is very noteworthy that the words that generate the most ire and angst are those thoughts which follow ‘is it only me.........’ Does anyone ever read Cicero’s thoughts on how to do better marketing, how to be a better leader and how to run a better business? Maybe you just agree with every word that is written and lap up Cicero’s philosophies like a cat lapping the cream.

No matter we will persevere with our thoughts on all matters interesting and hope that these continue to float your educational and entertainment boat.

And to last week’s Anonymouses,or should that be Anonymice, your comments are so wrong on so many levels but as always we defend your right to say it.

During the week Cicero was accosted by a young Acolyte whom he now mentors, guides and teaches in the rural idyll where he now works.

‘Cicero, I am sorry to have to do this but I urgently need some time off to tend to the sickness needs of one who is dear to me. I hope that will be ok with you. I may need to be away from the office for a few weeks and I know how busy we are and how much this will drop you in it but there really is nothing I can do.’

‘Never fear’, said Cicero with a kindly twinkle in his eye, ‘but your health and the needs of friends and family are always more important than our work. We will manage. I will see to it that we will. As a leader it is my job to make sure our people here are properly supported’.

‘Are you sure you can manage?’ asked the Acolyte.

‘Listen carefully now and you will learn how adaptable we can all be if we all try.

‘People said Man United would not withstand the loss of Van Nistelroy or Roy Keane or David Beckham or Ronaldo. Sure the loss of these great players rocked the team back for a wee while but they got over it and now they say Ronald who?

‘Now I want you to imagine a bucket of water. Now think of you submerging your hand in the water. Now quickly and suddenly remove your hand and watch what happens.

‘When you do this for a wee while the water is rippled and rough but it will soon calm down and it will be as if your hand was never in it.

‘Teams and organisations are exactly the same.

‘It will be difficult for us to manage for a wee while and it will be disruptive but somehow we will find a way will dealing with it. We will have to.’

‘So you are saying that I am not important and what I do is irrelevant’, said the Acolyte.

‘I am not saying that at all. You are important and you are doing a great job which we all value and respect but no one, not even Cicero, difficult as that might be to believe, is irreplaceable. People leave, fall sick, move on, and some of us even take holidays, and while each of these events is disruptive, it is our job as leaders to ensure the organisation returns to normal as soon as possible and continues.

‘Now off you go, my child, and tend to your own people. I will work things out here’.

And with that Cicero’s Acolyte left and Cicero swiftly moved to the calm waters for the rest of the team, for the business and for its customers.

Is it only me...but would anyone notice?

You may have seen the news that this week that Harry Harperson’s favourite people, The Equality and Human Rights Commission, went on strike for an hour in protest at planned job cuts. No doubt they would also like Harry Harperson and other nanny interventionists back in power. Well they’re not so get over it.

Did you even know that they had been on strike?

Union representatives also expressed a concern that the cuts could move the agency away from helping the individual and ‘were aimed at turning the body into a think tank’. In other words they would lose their interfering and nannying role. Good, I say.

You know I actually went onto their website. I thought I should not condemn unless I know what I am talking about. And among the piffle were such gems as ‘ A Map of Gaps’, a 700 page Triennial Review entitled ‘How Fair is Britain’ (there is also a similar study for Wales because clearly that is not part of Britain), and ‘Gypsies and Travellers-how to live together’. I kid ye not. Does anyone’s life feel poorer for not having read these riveting reads?

Could I just point out that the 60s and 70s were the last and probably the only truly meritocratic period in our history. A time when people who had not gone to public school and/or to Oxbridge could make it to the top of the greasy pole. And these people did it without Apparatchiks and Quangocrats a plenty to help them. They got there because they had drive, ambition and intelligence. Today we are no doubt spending a fortune on said Quanagocrats and we are less equal and less meritocratic than ever.

Doh, it does not take a genius to work that one out.

Now as usual it might only be me but who do you think would notice if this bunch of Quangocrats went on strike? It’s not like that this body of Apparatchiks empty our bins or dig up our roads, and speaking of which my road remains an open sore, or any other essential service? Indeed maybe these Quangocrats are the least useful across our Public Sector? Is this not the most pointless strike ever in the history of industrial relations in this country....and that is saying something. It beats me what the union barons were thinking about when they decided that the comrades and comradesses who work at the EHRC should down tools and walk out.

No their role is to boss us around, to interfere and try to make us all pc. Can anyone other than the Guardianistas and Polly Townbee, name one useful and constructive thing that this body has ever done for people other than prisoners, criminals or immigrants who are always first in line to claim an infringement to their human rights? We have laws to ensure equality and human rights. And we have courts to enforce these rights. Why do we need a quango on top of this?

Sorry I forgot there is one person who would notice they are on strike-my apologies,
Harry.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Spreading the virus

Welcome.

It was disappointing to see the lack of response to last week’s competition and chance to win a stunning prize. Maybe you are just not the creative expressive type. Still we will give you another week to submit your Man Booker winning six word work of fiction.

A few years back Cicero had the great misfortune of being in Sydney when the Angles narrowly beat the Convicts to win the Rugby World Cup. It was of course a misfortune because as a Celt there is nothing Cicero hates more than to see the Anglo-Saxon tribes win any sporting contest. Sorry but it is best to be up front on these matters. That way we all know where we stand.

While there Cicero was astounded to note how through mobile texting the Anglo Saxon supporters were able to mobilise parties at the drop of a hat. On one memorable occasion a few days prior to the Final, over 5000 Anglo Saxons were summoned to Bondi Beach for pre-match choir practice. It was a stirring sight to watch a crowd of middle aged sun burnt pink Angles with over tight England rugby shirts straining to contain a lifetime pub work, belt out their annoying repertoire with references to chariots, dark satanic mills and requests for the Supreme Being to look after Liz.
And remember this was pre-Facebook, Twitter and other such communications nonsense so God knows how many would turn up today should, God forbid, Anglo Saxons ever find themselves in the same position. But for Cicero the Bondi Beach Event was a seminal moment in understanding the power of viral.

No one broadcast the arrangements for the Bondi Event. Instead news was passed on through mobile phone texting with Anglo Saxons passing on the arrangements like Usain Bolt in the sprint relay. It was very impressive. And since then Cicero has been pondering how to develop a similar approach for businesses.

You can see a similar result being achieved with the spread of bad taset jokes through texts and e-mails. It looks simple and effortless and yet when businesses try it, it rarely works. Why is this?

Sure there have been some notable business successes-the Cadburys gorilla ad being a great example and check this out for another great example http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7XbtbQfM3k. You’ll love it.

So what combines all these great examples of successful viruses-or should that be viri?

All are relevant. All are engaging. All are interesting. All offer the sender an emotional reward for forwarding-you feel loved and relevant and tells your mates you are in the know. And so you want to pass them on so your friends don’t feel as if they are missing out. And that is why they work. Where would Susan Boyle be without a virus? Would anything have happened in Tunisia, Egypt and Libya without a good virus? Just think how a virus could be used in campaigning activity if we dissect the DNA of successful viruses and clone this.

It is not always the case but there are some viruses out there which can be good to spread. Do any examples strike you?

Is it only me............but this is not yummy, mummy.

At the place where I now ply my marketing trade and disseminate my marketing wisdom there is shall we say a surfeit of women of child bearing age. And from time to time we lose distaffs to pregnancy and Mummy Leave. This is no bad thing as we are going to need lots and lots of the little blighters to help pay for our old age so the more the merrier, that’s my motto.

Now clearly we do not want to lose women of talent from the market place and it is therefore important that we make it as easy as possible for women to return to their jobs and not face discrimination just because they met someone with whom they wanted to have children. I do understand that. I am not a total Neanderthal even if some of you may care to differ.

Last week indeed in my managerial capacity I had to deal with one distaff who was electing to return to work after 12 months absence. Naturally my aim was to make re-entry as smooth and as slick as possible. I was a New Man and I thought I discharged my legal and leadership obligations with great aplomb.

But one point did stick in my craw.

In making arrangements for re-entry my Returning Mummy pointed out that though she was due back at a point 12 months after she left she would be taking her 6 weeks holiday at that point.

‘Holidays?’ I spluttered, ‘What holidays?’ resisting the temptation to point out that she has just been on holiday for the past 12 months unlike the rest of us straining every sinew to keep the business going through an economic slowdown.

On checking with our resident People Person I learnt something new-and it was a deeply shocking new bit of knowledge at that. Now you might not know this either and so in the interests of Health and Safety I would advise you to sit down and make sure there are no sharp objects or hot liquids anywhere within arm’s reach.
It seems that Mummys on Mummy Leave still accrue holiday rights even though they are on holiday. It is the law.

Now it might only be me, though on this I’m pretty sure that I might have the support of 50% of the population plus the backing on any Distaffs for whom Mummy Leave does not apply, but this is ridiculous. How the hell does someone who has been on holiday and out of the business for the past 12 months still think they are entitled to the holiday they would have got if they had not been away? How do they have the nerve to even ask for holiday without blushing, law or no law?

No doubt this is a Harry Harperson initiative introduced by the Last Lot, no doubt cheered on by the Guardianistas whom as we know pay no heed to the impact such daftness has on those creating value. However the Last Lot have now gone and I would urge the Two Caesars if they are serious about restoring growth to our shattered economy to look again at this madness and, without impacting on the return to work rights of our Mummys, apply some common sense to their holiday entitlement.

And if you are a Mummy or want to become one, please help me understand how you justify asking for yet more holiday.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.