Hellish weekend

Welcome.

And no the road has not yet been fixed. And yes it remains dug up and unsutured. But it is time to move on and so we are going to dwell no longer this week on the state of the roads around the Cicero Villa.

Time this week to consider what it means to be a customer. But first a wee story.

Once upon a time a man (it could have been a woman but let’s keep it simple) died and went to heaven. As is the norm he arrived at the Pearly Gates and was met by St Peter (or the Muslim, Sikh, Hindu equivalent) who made him a special offer.

‘For this weekend only we have a deal going with the Devil. You are expected in here but for the weekend you can sample Hell. For the next 2 days and 2 nights you can experience all that Hell has to offer but when you come back to these Gates, you must give me a decision and you will have to live with that decision for eternity.’

‘Sounds fair enough to me, in for a penny, in for a pound’, replied the former man, and off he went to try out all that Hell had to offer.

And he was pleasantly surprised. It was great. He met many of his old friends and colleagues, the weather was fantastic and every whim and need was catered for. It was a bit like a Club Med exclusive holiday.

After his 2 days were over he dragged himself off and went back to the Pearly Gates to give St Peter his answer.

‘Now you know the deal’, said St Peter, ‘you can either come in here or go back to Hell but whatever you decide, then you will have to live with the consequences forever.’

‘After much consideration’, replied the man, ‘Hell was not what I thought it would be like and all my mates are there and so I choose Hell’.

And with that the gates to Heaven slammed shut and the man was immediately dumped back in Hell. But this time it was so different-it was dark, very hot and totally soulless. In short it was hellish.

After a wee while in the place the man eventually spied the Devil and called him over.

‘Hey, I was here over the weekend for a couple of days and it was very different-it was like a holiday in paradise before. What happened? Where’s the fun? The great weather? The sea, the sun, the Sangria?’

‘Ah’, said the Devil, ‘yesterday you were a prospect, today you’re a customer’.

And for many of us this tale captures what it means to be a customer.

Think about it. Banks, phone companies, utility companies and many others reserve the best deal for new customers while existing customers have to pay the price. Many think this wrong.

But we only have ourselves to blame.

Companies offering their best deals to existing customers would soon go out of business and wouldn’t attract any new customers. We choose to buy insurance, a new mobile phone, our gas company, on the basis of price. And we stick there through thick and thin even though we know new customers are getting a better deal. What do we expect?

So what’s the answer?

Firstly we as consumers must learn that there is more than price to consider when shopping around. And we should shop around and move our business around more. Make it really painful for brands to take our custm for granted. Not enough of us are doing that at the moment.
And brand owners must not take the lazy way of winning business-cutting price. Instead they should try to build a brand and brand loyalty based on more than just price.

Until that happens we are all fated to spend together in Hell.

Is it only me..............but I can’t stay mum on this.

Last week in my capacity as a Head Honcho I was asked to sign off about 3 weeks holidays by one who has the pleasure and privilege of working with me on a daily basis.

Nothing unusual in that, you might think. Signing off and agreeing to holiday leave is a fairly regular and non-controversial occurrence in offices up and down the land. In this instance however the person in question has just returned from a year’s maternity leave and is now endeavouring to squeeze 3 weeks leave before the year end.

I was a wee bit amazed that my esteemed colleague had so much leave available given that she has not be seen in the office for the past 9 months so you can imagine my incredulity when informed that even though someone has been playing Mummy for the past few months they are still entitled to all the benefits and privileges of a worker even though they have not been present in the office.

And yes you have heard me right. Even if you have been away from the office for a year bringing up baby, you are still entitled to your ration of annual leave. Seemingly it’s the law.

Now let me say at the outset that my issue here is not with the person requesting leave but with the dumb Apparatchik and Politico who agreed to such a practice in the first instance. Methinks I detect the hand of Harry Harperson from the Last Lot behind this madness.

I would love to understand the rationale for this for I can see none.

Some people may go on about fairness and equality but what is fair and equal about this. I do believe it right and fair that Mummys, Yummy or otherwise, should be entitled to come back to work but is it fair that Mummys who have been away from their desk for a year should have the same rights and privileges as the Stakhanovites who have toiled long and hard at their desks and workstations to keep the business going through one of the toughest economic periods we have seen? These are the folks who need time away from work to refresh and re-charge batteries and who deserve every pat on the back and going.

And has anyone considered the unintended consequences of policies like this? Do Harry Harperson and her Guardianista equality advisers not see that small businesses in particular will find ways, lawful of course, to avoid giving employment opportunities to women of child bearing age?

Now maybe it’s only me who thinks this way but I really can’t stay mum on this issue. No doubt I will get letters from the Guradianista Sisterhood but someone has to speak up and point out that the Emperor has no clothes.

Have a great week....especially if you are having a baby.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

The ripple effect

Salvete.

It is always interesting to note how you respond to these words of wit and wisdom and that is why using the comment facility is always very helpful and interesting. Good to know what you like, what you don’t and what generates shrieks of howls and outrage.

And it is very noteworthy that the words that generate the most ire and angst are those thoughts which follow ‘is it only me.........’ Does anyone ever read Cicero’s thoughts on how to do better marketing, how to be a better leader and how to run a better business? Maybe you just agree with every word that is written and lap up Cicero’s philosophies like a cat lapping the cream.

No matter we will persevere with our thoughts on all matters interesting and hope that these continue to float your educational and entertainment boat.

And to last week’s Anonymouses,or should that be Anonymice, your comments are so wrong on so many levels but as always we defend your right to say it.

During the week Cicero was accosted by a young Acolyte whom he now mentors, guides and teaches in the rural idyll where he now works.

‘Cicero, I am sorry to have to do this but I urgently need some time off to tend to the sickness needs of one who is dear to me. I hope that will be ok with you. I may need to be away from the office for a few weeks and I know how busy we are and how much this will drop you in it but there really is nothing I can do.’

‘Never fear’, said Cicero with a kindly twinkle in his eye, ‘but your health and the needs of friends and family are always more important than our work. We will manage. I will see to it that we will. As a leader it is my job to make sure our people here are properly supported’.

‘Are you sure you can manage?’ asked the Acolyte.

‘Listen carefully now and you will learn how adaptable we can all be if we all try.

‘People said Man United would not withstand the loss of Van Nistelroy or Roy Keane or David Beckham or Ronaldo. Sure the loss of these great players rocked the team back for a wee while but they got over it and now they say Ronald who?

‘Now I want you to imagine a bucket of water. Now think of you submerging your hand in the water. Now quickly and suddenly remove your hand and watch what happens.

‘When you do this for a wee while the water is rippled and rough but it will soon calm down and it will be as if your hand was never in it.

‘Teams and organisations are exactly the same.

‘It will be difficult for us to manage for a wee while and it will be disruptive but somehow we will find a way will dealing with it. We will have to.’

‘So you are saying that I am not important and what I do is irrelevant’, said the Acolyte.

‘I am not saying that at all. You are important and you are doing a great job which we all value and respect but no one, not even Cicero, difficult as that might be to believe, is irreplaceable. People leave, fall sick, move on, and some of us even take holidays, and while each of these events is disruptive, it is our job as leaders to ensure the organisation returns to normal as soon as possible and continues.

‘Now off you go, my child, and tend to your own people. I will work things out here’.

And with that Cicero’s Acolyte left and Cicero swiftly moved to the calm waters for the rest of the team, for the business and for its customers.

Is it only me...but would anyone notice?

You may have seen the news that this week that Harry Harperson’s favourite people, The Equality and Human Rights Commission, went on strike for an hour in protest at planned job cuts. No doubt they would also like Harry Harperson and other nanny interventionists back in power. Well they’re not so get over it.

Did you even know that they had been on strike?

Union representatives also expressed a concern that the cuts could move the agency away from helping the individual and ‘were aimed at turning the body into a think tank’. In other words they would lose their interfering and nannying role. Good, I say.

You know I actually went onto their website. I thought I should not condemn unless I know what I am talking about. And among the piffle were such gems as ‘ A Map of Gaps’, a 700 page Triennial Review entitled ‘How Fair is Britain’ (there is also a similar study for Wales because clearly that is not part of Britain), and ‘Gypsies and Travellers-how to live together’. I kid ye not. Does anyone’s life feel poorer for not having read these riveting reads?

Could I just point out that the 60s and 70s were the last and probably the only truly meritocratic period in our history. A time when people who had not gone to public school and/or to Oxbridge could make it to the top of the greasy pole. And these people did it without Apparatchiks and Quangocrats a plenty to help them. They got there because they had drive, ambition and intelligence. Today we are no doubt spending a fortune on said Quanagocrats and we are less equal and less meritocratic than ever.

Doh, it does not take a genius to work that one out.

Now as usual it might only be me but who do you think would notice if this bunch of Quangocrats went on strike? It’s not like that this body of Apparatchiks empty our bins or dig up our roads, and speaking of which my road remains an open sore, or any other essential service? Indeed maybe these Quangocrats are the least useful across our Public Sector? Is this not the most pointless strike ever in the history of industrial relations in this country....and that is saying something. It beats me what the union barons were thinking about when they decided that the comrades and comradesses who work at the EHRC should down tools and walk out.

No their role is to boss us around, to interfere and try to make us all pc. Can anyone other than the Guardianistas and Polly Townbee, name one useful and constructive thing that this body has ever done for people other than prisoners, criminals or immigrants who are always first in line to claim an infringement to their human rights? We have laws to ensure equality and human rights. And we have courts to enforce these rights. Why do we need a quango on top of this?

Sorry I forgot there is one person who would notice they are on strike-my apologies,
Harry.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Offensive marketing

Greetings.

Interesting to note that the comments made here on Mummy Leave are continuing to resonate, and from some of the most unlikely of sources. It seems that we may have united the Sisterhood by giving them a common enemy. Glad to be of service.

You will know by now that Cicero just hates shopping. In fact he would rather stab his eyes with knitting needles than drag his ageing and weary body around the shops. With two exceptions-he loves book shops and he has no objection to shopping for music though increasingly he is shopping for these online and cutting out the whole trailing around the shops experience.

Cicero has been reflecting on the kind of music he buys and he has noted that his repertoire is becoming increasingly limited to a handful of known and trusted (usually old!) artistes and musical combos. He reads the reviews of new bands and thinks they might sound interesting, maybe worth a purchase, but lest he wastes bawbees buying music he might not like, Cicero always errs on the side of caution and buys music from artistes he knows and recognises and trusts. And so you will find a lack of garage, techno, grunge or even garage grunge techno house sounds in his very extensive and eclectic music collection.

This may just be an age thing but this helpful piece of self analysis might have wider ramifications.

Now you might at this point be wondering where this is going but if you will hold on for a few more lines you will soon see the point we are trying to make.

Now this record buying experience got Cicero wondering how tougher economic times will affect how consumers might buy brands. Will they trade down and shop around more looking for a bargain or will they stick with the brands they know and trust, just like Cicero and his CD collection? And what are the implications of this for us marketing folk?

And so we spoke to some people and we found out that only a third of people claim that as money gets tight they will shop around more with the rest saying they are unlikely to change their shopping habits.

So what factors are driving consumer choice?

Interestingly only a quarter of shoppers claim to buy on price. 63 per cent claim that they will buy brands that offer the best value, 59 per cent buy brands they trust and 47 per cent go on brand recognition. So as you can see it is not just Cicero who fears making a mistake when he is down the shops.

In American football terms if you’re not on offense you are on defence and while businesses might be tempted to go on defence and just hope to ride out these tricky times, consider this.

The Profit Impact of Marketing Strategy Database (PIMS) has been tracking the business performance of over 3000 business units for over 40 years and has been described by Tom Peters as ‘’the most extensive strategic information database in the world’’, allowing businesses to identify those critical strategic factors that enable a business to achieve an improved sustainable position. This key source of business intelligence has identified that those brands that went on the offensive and continued to invest in marketing emerged into the recovery phase with higher return on capital and improved market share.

When money is tight customers want to be sure they are making the right choice. They don’t want to waste money buying something that is not what they wanted so they will increasingly buy brands they know and trust. This is not the time to cut but to maintain investment in brands and continue to develop and to deliver a trusted, relevant and distinctive brand positioning.

There are consumers out there buying almost exclusively on price alone but these are the minority and are least likely to be brand loyal. So why chase this market?
Businesses now need to focus on brand loyalists and on trying to grow their share of wallet or purse and successful brands must be seen to offer better value than the competition - focus on telling customers why your brand is worth the price by emphasising the added value and functional advantages that it offers.

Now is the time for your marketing to become truly offensive. As you know Cicero is great at being offensive.

Is it only me.......but there is a Plan B.

Last week I went shopping. I know that will come as a great surprise and shock to you but from to time it is something I have to do. I am not sure that after last week’s experience I will be hurrying back to the High St.

One of my stops was the M&S Food Hall. As we know M&S make great food and wonderful ads but they omit to tell you that when you buy some of their yummy food that they will charge you to be issued with a bag so you can easily transport their scrummy food to your kitchen.

Did you know this?

I was shocked and truly flabbergasted. And so I stood my ground and tried to reason with them. Fat chance. M&S is now in the thrall of the eco-mentalists. Yet there are arguments are so unconvincing that I am convinced that this is nothing to do with eco-mentalism but an attempt to widen margin.

Firstly I can have as many small green bags as I like for free. It was therefore possible for me to load my grocery into 10 green bags instead of one big bag. How does that help the environment? Surely even the dumbest eco-mentalism must concede the nonsense of this.

Secondly it is only the food hall that has put in place such a dumb policy. And this is a dumb policy. So I can buy a suit, a jumper, a pair of socks even, and be given free and gratis a carrier bag. So why is it only with food that I cannot be given a bag?

And thirdly, as I questioned, does anyone have any idea how much landfill space is taken up by plastic bag waste? Let me tell you. Only 0.3%. Disposable nappies take up more space but I don’t hear anyone think of trying to ban them. And if they did just listen out for the shrieks and howls of outrage from Harry Harperson and the Guardianistas. Never in the field of eco-mentalist conflict has so much been done for so little. I will repeat even if every carrier bag which went to waste came from M&S which it won’t, we would only save 0.3% of landfill space per year.

What nonsense. If M&S and their customers want to kow tow to the eco-mentalists that’s fine, but don’t fine those of us who can see through the fallacy of their arguments and who are un-believers.

Now it might only be me but I do think it morally reprehensible that a big mass market retailer brand should seek to inflict its values on those who might not share these values. And in any event, contrary to what M&S and its eco-mentalist friends might say, there is a Plan B.

Other retailers do not use sticks to beat recalcitrant shoppers like me into line but instead apply the principles of behavioural economics and behave like liberal paternalists. At Waitrose you have to ask for a bag. The default setting is no bags. At Tesco you get extra Clubcard points if you don’t take a bag. There are other ways.

And here is a free idea for M&S. Give the bags away for free but instead of splashing your logo across the plastic why not print the bags with slogans like ‘The carrier of this bag is a climate change denier’ or ‘This bag means more landfill waste’ or ‘The carrier of this bag is too mean to pay 5p for a proper bag’. And so on. You get the message. Only the most recalcitrant would opt for a bag with an offensive message.

Happy to help.

Please don’t come calling for the next couple of weeks. Cicero will be away enjoying the holiday break, refreshing his body and thoughts, and more importantly avoiding That Wedding and its associated flim-flammery. Enjoy the break.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

I can see clearly now.....

Hello.
According to Bob Geldof who said recently ‘a blog is like an arsehole-everyone has one’. Hopefully that is not how you view these words of wit and wisdom. Or the author.

And many thanks to the many women who expressed through private back channels their support for last week’s thoughts and opinions on Mummy Leave. It is interesting that it is women who support these views and that few will go on the record or commit their opinions to paper. Wonder why? Do they think they are letting the Sisters down? Do they fear reprisals from Harry Harperson and the Guardianistas? Hopefully the Two Caesars are taking notice of the lack of support for some of the more inequitable aspects of Mummy Leave.

And if you did leave a comment, thank you. But please note it wasn’t the principle of Mummy Leave which was being attacked but the principle that even when you get back you are still entitled to the holidays you would have had if you had not been on Mummy Leave. This still makes no sense.

Last week Cicero had to get a new windscreen for his chariot.

The woman at the dreaded Call Centre was charming and helpful and without being told knew that the windscreen required had to be heated to endure the cold winter months.

A few days later the fitter turned up as arranged and guess what. Wrong windscreen. ‘We will need to re-book appointment’, explained the fitter.
Needless to say Cicero was not happy with the re-inconvenience and calmly as is his wont explained that it was he who was being inconvienced despite providing all the required information.

‘Nothing to do with me, mate, I just fit them’, was the comeback as if that was a sufficient explanation. This is exactly the response that will always infuriate Cicero to the point of exasperation.

And to add to the infuriated exasperation, Cicero was advised that this happens all the time and yet it never seemed to occur to ‘nothing-to-do-with-me, mate’ to challenge or question a process which seemed to send him out on a regular basis with the wrong chariot windscreen. This was just the way life was. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

We will not bore you with all the grisly details but after hitting and bouncing off the ceiling quite a few times while Cicero dealt with Mr Jobsworth, and after a call to said Mr Jobsworth’s Head Honcho, a new fitter was despatched to Cicero’s chariot forthwith. And this time he brought the right windscreen.

Incidents like this happen all the time. They certainly happen when Cicero is around. They must happen to you. And right now something similar will be happening near you, possibly even in your business to your customers. How can people be so lacking in curiosity? How can it be beyond the wit and wisdom of anyone not to look to solve problems that you know are going to cause your frustration? How can anyone think that ‘nothing to with me, mate’ is an adequate response to an irate and disgruntled customer?

There's a one-word answer to all those questions: silos.

The call centre’s job was to take the order and transmit it to the local depot. There it was the manager’s job to put the right equipment in the right van. And it was the fitter’s job to fit the windscreen. The fitter would have done a great job if he had been supplied with the right information to do his job. But he wasn’t. And so he didn’t.

Here's the problem: Our jobs are complex and interdependent, but our goals, objectives, and, most importantly, mindsets, are often siloed.

We each have a job to do — sell a service, design a product, address a customer issue — and the underlying mindset is: if I do my job well, and you do your job well, we'll achieve our organization's goals.

But it rarely works that way. People in one silo often have information needed by — but never given to — people in another silo. And, as my experience showed, if there's a problem anywhere in the organization, everyone fails. Who is responsible for fitting the windscreen? It's a waste of time to parse that one out. And it's damaging to try. The truth is, they're all, collectively, responsible.

In other words we are all responsible for each others' work. It's all about collaboration. And every organization of two or more is a collaborative effort. And we are only as strong as the weakest link in our chain.

How do we escape the silo mentality?

It helps if leadership is explicit about the cross-silo outcomes that are most important in the organization. It helps if everyone working in the business is clear that satisfying customers is their number one priority and that everyone is collectively responsible for that outcome. It helps if each person is committed to a whole that is larger than their part.

It also helps if the organization's structures and processes support collaboration. If people meet regularly to share what they are learning and are taught the skills to give and receive feedback. It helps if people are taught to communicate clearly, gently, and inoffensively with each other, avoiding blame and embarrassment, for the sake of cross-silo outcomes.

All that helps. But even with all that support, direction, and skill, it still takes one more critical ingredient. Perhaps the most critical.

Courage.

The courage of a single person willing to take personal risks for the sake of the organization's success.

Because no matter how clearly leaders reward cross-silo outcomes, it takes great personal strength to identify and help correct a mistake in "someone else's" silo and to overcome the fear of the consequences of taking responsibility for colleagues' work.

But at least Cicero can see now clearly.

Is it only me.........but please sit down.

The other day I was on a train. The train was no more than half full. It was very early in the morning after all and only early birds looking for worms are up travelling at that time in the morning. And so I easily found a seat, parked my behind and hid myself in my work and in my music. Bliss!

One stop later and a fellow early worm approached me. ‘Excuse me’, he said, ‘but I think you are sitting in my seat’. I engaged my mouth and resisted the temptation to point out that since the train was half empty he had his choice of seats but since he clearly felt he was entitled to this seat I, like the true Brit I can be from time to time, apologised and huffed and puffed and went through the mighty rigmarole of getting together my stuff and moving to one of the many empty seats strewn through the carriage like scatter cushions. Perhaps, I thought, this seat is specially designed for his back or maybe it reaches our destination a wee bit quicker than every other seat on the train.

You see the same thing when you fly. You have inadvertently sat in an aisle or window seat, got yourself settled, and someone will come up to you, block the aisle thereby stopping everyone else from taking their seat, and refuse to move until he, or she, and on this occasion I am afraid to say it usually is a he, gets the seat they have paid to get.

Whether in the air or on the tracks, a seat’s a seat. It is not going to give you a massage. You are not going to be able to take it home with you. Nor will it, like Jimmy Saville’s used to do, make you a cup of tea. It’s the same seat as the one next to it or across the aisle from it or opposite it. It’s not your personal seat. So what’s the problem?

It might only be me but why can’t people just for once apply common sense. Surely I am not the only one who takes the view that at the end of the day a seat on a plane or on a train is the same as every other seat, unless you have paid a big wedge of cash more to avoid travelling Cattle Class, and it does not matter where you sit so long as the seat is free. Why add extra hassle to everyone’s lives by insisting that you get the seat you think you have paid to rent for the duration of your journey?

Why can’t you just sit down and be quiet.

If you are one of those who insist on getting the exact seat allocated to you, please tell us why.

In meantime, have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Spreading the virus

Welcome.

It was disappointing to see the lack of response to last week’s competition and chance to win a stunning prize. Maybe you are just not the creative expressive type. Still we will give you another week to submit your Man Booker winning six word work of fiction.

A few years back Cicero had the great misfortune of being in Sydney when the Angles narrowly beat the Convicts to win the Rugby World Cup. It was of course a misfortune because as a Celt there is nothing Cicero hates more than to see the Anglo-Saxon tribes win any sporting contest. Sorry but it is best to be up front on these matters. That way we all know where we stand.

While there Cicero was astounded to note how through mobile texting the Anglo Saxon supporters were able to mobilise parties at the drop of a hat. On one memorable occasion a few days prior to the Final, over 5000 Anglo Saxons were summoned to Bondi Beach for pre-match choir practice. It was a stirring sight to watch a crowd of middle aged sun burnt pink Angles with over tight England rugby shirts straining to contain a lifetime pub work, belt out their annoying repertoire with references to chariots, dark satanic mills and requests for the Supreme Being to look after Liz.
And remember this was pre-Facebook, Twitter and other such communications nonsense so God knows how many would turn up today should, God forbid, Anglo Saxons ever find themselves in the same position. But for Cicero the Bondi Beach Event was a seminal moment in understanding the power of viral.

No one broadcast the arrangements for the Bondi Event. Instead news was passed on through mobile phone texting with Anglo Saxons passing on the arrangements like Usain Bolt in the sprint relay. It was very impressive. And since then Cicero has been pondering how to develop a similar approach for businesses.

You can see a similar result being achieved with the spread of bad taset jokes through texts and e-mails. It looks simple and effortless and yet when businesses try it, it rarely works. Why is this?

Sure there have been some notable business successes-the Cadburys gorilla ad being a great example and check this out for another great example http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7XbtbQfM3k. You’ll love it.

So what combines all these great examples of successful viruses-or should that be viri?

All are relevant. All are engaging. All are interesting. All offer the sender an emotional reward for forwarding-you feel loved and relevant and tells your mates you are in the know. And so you want to pass them on so your friends don’t feel as if they are missing out. And that is why they work. Where would Susan Boyle be without a virus? Would anything have happened in Tunisia, Egypt and Libya without a good virus? Just think how a virus could be used in campaigning activity if we dissect the DNA of successful viruses and clone this.

It is not always the case but there are some viruses out there which can be good to spread. Do any examples strike you?

Is it only me............but this is not yummy, mummy.

At the place where I now ply my marketing trade and disseminate my marketing wisdom there is shall we say a surfeit of women of child bearing age. And from time to time we lose distaffs to pregnancy and Mummy Leave. This is no bad thing as we are going to need lots and lots of the little blighters to help pay for our old age so the more the merrier, that’s my motto.

Now clearly we do not want to lose women of talent from the market place and it is therefore important that we make it as easy as possible for women to return to their jobs and not face discrimination just because they met someone with whom they wanted to have children. I do understand that. I am not a total Neanderthal even if some of you may care to differ.

Last week indeed in my managerial capacity I had to deal with one distaff who was electing to return to work after 12 months absence. Naturally my aim was to make re-entry as smooth and as slick as possible. I was a New Man and I thought I discharged my legal and leadership obligations with great aplomb.

But one point did stick in my craw.

In making arrangements for re-entry my Returning Mummy pointed out that though she was due back at a point 12 months after she left she would be taking her 6 weeks holiday at that point.

‘Holidays?’ I spluttered, ‘What holidays?’ resisting the temptation to point out that she has just been on holiday for the past 12 months unlike the rest of us straining every sinew to keep the business going through an economic slowdown.

On checking with our resident People Person I learnt something new-and it was a deeply shocking new bit of knowledge at that. Now you might not know this either and so in the interests of Health and Safety I would advise you to sit down and make sure there are no sharp objects or hot liquids anywhere within arm’s reach.
It seems that Mummys on Mummy Leave still accrue holiday rights even though they are on holiday. It is the law.

Now it might only be me, though on this I’m pretty sure that I might have the support of 50% of the population plus the backing on any Distaffs for whom Mummy Leave does not apply, but this is ridiculous. How the hell does someone who has been on holiday and out of the business for the past 12 months still think they are entitled to the holiday they would have got if they had not been away? How do they have the nerve to even ask for holiday without blushing, law or no law?

No doubt this is a Harry Harperson initiative introduced by the Last Lot, no doubt cheered on by the Guardianistas whom as we know pay no heed to the impact such daftness has on those creating value. However the Last Lot have now gone and I would urge the Two Caesars if they are serious about restoring growth to our shattered economy to look again at this madness and, without impacting on the return to work rights of our Mummys, apply some common sense to their holiday entitlement.

And if you are a Mummy or want to become one, please help me understand how you justify asking for yet more holiday.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.