More things we say

Is it only me...but seemingly we have the ability to stretch time.

A week or so ago I set out my aim to collect and share some of the stupid and really silly things we all say. Here is another. And as always I am on the lookout for more thoughts and inspired ideas from you.

Earlier this week a colleague of mine slumped into his chair and held his head in his hands and signed with real purposeful intent,

‘Boy, it’s been a long day’.

I am not sure what he expected he me to do but there was no way I felt inclined to mop his weary brow, massage his slumped and sagging frame or softly rub gentle fragrant oils into his exhausted skin.

Instead I parsed his gently uttered moan.

Now it might only be me but I always thought time was a fixed unit and did not vary according to mood or effort applied.

What exactly is a long day? A day is neither short nor long but made up of 24 hours, 1440 minutes, 86,400 seconds. No matter what you are doing, where you are or who you might be, that is the length of the day and from the days of Galileo it has been something to do with the length of time our wee planet takes to orbit the sun. Maybe Brian Cox who once told us that ‘life can only get better’ could confirm that for us.

Of equal stupidity is when those who originate to the North of the Wall of Hadrian ask or tell someone ‘to hold on a wee minute’. In this context of course ‘wee’ means ‘small’. But how long is a wee minute? A minute is exactly 60 seconds, no more, no less. How many seconds are there in a wee minute?

Now I know Man (and woman too for that matter) is clever and there are many things we can do now that we couldn’t do before, not always for that good, but when and how did we acquire the ability to change either up or down the length of time? This was not something I was ever taught.

If you know how to do this, please share.

And please share with us any other stupid things we say.

In meantime, have a great week, long or otherwise.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Dear John

In the words of Neil Diamond, hello again, my friend.

Did you read last week’s comments? If so you will know that we have knowingly converted to our rational point of view our first Apparatchik Guardianista. Welcome to our world, hopefully you will stay a convert. It is never too late to learn and as Professor Brian Cox once said ‘things can only get better’. Bet you never thought that Cicero knew so many contemporary cultural references.

Last week Cicero received a ‘Dear John’ letter.

Now before you all get your hankies out and weep for Cicero at this emotional tragedy, there is something you need to know.

Now contrary to popular belief Cicero is very au fait with the digital world and to ensure his knowledge and understanding is up to date has subscribed to many newsletters and e-mails from companies around the world offering to keep him up to speed with all the latest developments.

Those of you who also follow this practice will be aware that in-boxes rapidly become filled and so last week Cicero took the unprecedented decision to unsubscribe. Shock, horror!

And do you know what this company said in return, and here we are quoting verbatim
‘Remove me! You have now been removed from our database. Good luck’
It felt as if unsubscribers had moved beyond the pale and been surgically taken out. And why was good luck required. Surely it is possible to subsist without the help and influence of this company.

Now this is a big trick that marketers are missing and like all other touch points surely it should be possible for breaking up to be not quite as painful. After all you may well have invested a lot of money and energy getting a subscriber so why just say ‘see you around sometime’ when the divorce happens. Why not make a wee bit more effort to keep the door open?

Many brands are failing to embrace the marketing opportunity created by consumers unsubscribing from their marketing emails. They are dismissing consumers who fall out of love with their emails as lost causes rather than enabling them to enhance their relationship with the brand in a different way.

It would have been nice when waving goodbye if Cicero’s ex dot com buddy had at least said thank you for your custom and for your interest.

Perhaps too it could have asked for feedback. How about giving customers the opportunity to tell you exactly where you went wrong, and to let you know just how much all of your email communication flaws and bad habits deterred them.

Another option might be to offer customer the option of less frequent emails. This is exactly what M&S does. Or even more relevant e-mails.

These are just a few suggestions. There will be many more approaches out there to help ease the pain of digital break ups. And if you have any great examples, please do share.

Get it right and your Dear Johns need not be adieu but merely au revoir and a bientot too.

Is it only me.................but how do you get to see a doctor?

Now fortunately I am blessed with good health apart from of course from failing eyesight as tempus fugit, the odd dodgy knee and a few patches of rough skin. Other than that I am hale and hearty and rarely need to trouble the medical profession. And despite the massive transfer of my wealth into the NHS on a monthly basis I do not begrudge paying it though I do wish that the Apparatchiks who run this esteemed institution did learn to spend my money a wee bit more wisely than hitherto and did spend as if it was their own money and with less profligacy.

However the other week I ailed and required the services of the medical profession and I learnt just how difficult it is to see a doctor, despite you would have thought the quacks considering me essential to treat given that I, and quite a few others like me, are the people who bankroll the NHS.

Now in theory it should be possible to get a same day appointment. The key word here is theory. The phone lines open at 8am and by 8.05 same day appointments had disappeared faster than Take That tickets disappear though it is mystery to me why these would disappear with great alacrity. Still no accounting for taste. Anyway the Moll who runs the reception services could offer me no adequate explanation why appointments should disappear so quickly. It is not like we have a shortage of quacks, we must have at least 10. So I can only surmise that a) there is an epidemic where I lay my hat b) I reside in a particularly ill area c) appointment slots are being bought up by touts and sold on to the highest bidder.

Now the natural thing when you are unable to book for later in the day is to request an appointment for the following day. But no that is not possible. Despite this being the logical and rational approach, well at least to those of us with imagination and common sense, I was informed by the Doctor’s Moll that this was impossible as I would have to ring back the next day.

Next day same result.

Day after same result.

Day after that I was cured.

Now I know this might be a way to save the NHS money but it might only be me but how exactly do you get an appointment these days to see a doctor. Some people manage it and they can’t all be buying appointment slots from the touts. It seems that if you are chronically sick and/or feckless and unemployed you know how the system works, you have been inducted into the mysteries of the appointment booking system and taught the password. But quite frankly these sorts of people are not the ones paying for the service.

On the other hand, the occasionally sick and full time funders of the service are out in the cold, fighting for the appointment booking scraps, never mind whether it fits with a window in their busy Blackberries. May I suggest that this is the wrong way round and the occasional sick should be prioritised and restored to health with great speed to earn the wealth we need to keep the service going for others?

A few years back I suggested an innovation-appointments for commuters. And behold this innovation was taken up though too few to make a difference and to get one of these you have to schedule your sickness a few weeks in advance.

We need more innovation. Any ideas?

Have a great week. And stay healthy.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.