Bag it

I hope you enjoyed my long awaited return to the blogosphere last week. And by joining Twitter (Cicero really is down dere with da kids, as they say) I am reaching new audiences with my observations on life. If you want to twitter along with Cicero you can find him here @cicero_speaks.  I look forward to seeing you there.

And so to this week’s wry comment.

A few years back I have some vague recollection of a film in which a band of aliens came down and took over the bodies of humans. I think this is what has happened to the Two Caesars and their Acolytes. I think that the bodies they used to inhabit have been reduced to husks of their previous selves and they have been taken over in the latest move by the eco-mental global conspiracy.

How else do you explain their slavish devotion to the wind farms that are now breeding like rabbits on our hillsides and around our coasts? Is there any other explanation for their so far lack of full support for and commitment to fracking? And why we don’t seem able to build nuclear and even gas power stations in sufficient numbers before the lights go out.

And we do this even though all the scientific evidence that global warming in past 10 years has stopped and seem to be coming to my line of reasoning that it has nothing to do with so-called global warming but just Wonky Weather.

But still the eco-and enviro-mentalists would if they get their way, and they might given they now seem to inhabit the Two Caesars and even Li’le Ed too, take us back to the Stone Age with their eco-mentalist energy policies.

And now we have the latest eco-mentalist initiative-the Bag Tax.

If it wasn’t so serious you would have to laugh at such errant and wanton nonsense as being taxed for the right to take home the food we have bought.

Why do some people, well a lot of people, think that the solution to any problem must be State driven and must involve a tax? The State has much better things to do than take an interest in people’s plastic bag habits. Especially at a time when our hospitals are in chaos, our education system is a mess and we can’t even decide whether or not we should fire off a few rockets in the vague direction of Syria. But instead the eco-mentalists who are controlling the Two Caesars have decided that it would be a good idea for management time to be dedicated to taxing plastic bags. Revolutions in Europe where Jonny Foreigner resides have been started for less.

And has anyone stopped to ask what difference a Bag Tax would make?

Plastic bags make up less than 1% of the volume of waste sent to landfill. And no that is not a misprint, less than 1%. In other words bugger all. If eco-mentalism was serious about waste it would be better targeting other aspects of the waste industry.

It is also worth recognising that many plastic bags are used more than once. Cicero uses his plastic bags to cart his morning swimming gear around after his early morning dip. So it is not as if these bags are carelessly discarded after every use.

And while the eco-mentalists have allies in the Animal Lovers worried about the impact of discarded plastic bags on the fishies and the birdies, it is worth pointing out that the fishies and the birdies are highly prone to being made deceased at a faster rate by lots of other factors-like fishing nets, sharks and the butcher. Are we going to make these illegal too?

We should instead keep the State well away from this. And instead focus on our efforts at point-of-sale on changing behaviour as some retailers are already successfully doing. Or if the State has to be involved it could support R&D into more eco-mentalist friendly yet feasible packing.

In other words this is yet another cynical, gimmicky piece of green wash. Rather than innovation and technology delivering ecological progress, it looks to heavy-handed state intervention to punish consumers. And it contradicts the claims of the Government that they are seeking to reduce red tape and ease the burden on those already struggling to make ends meet.

Now do you see why I think the Two Caesars’ bodies, minds and souls have been hijacked?

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. Semper.

Roadworks ahead

Is it only me...but why can’t I just have my money back?

Have you noticed how many roads are being dug up at the moment? Round where I live it seems like that every road is under construction. And no matter where I seem be going my progress is hindered by temporary traffic lights, road closures and narrow lanes. Motorways, A and B roads, streets, roads, closes, crescents and avenues are all blighted by workmen leaning on shovels and picks.

I thought that maybe in this year of the Olympics we were also hosting the World Road Digging Championships or maybe a Guinness World Record attempt or something.

But no, it seems the answer is maybe a wee bit more prosaic and also stupid at the same time.

For in conversation at the weekend with a Local Authority Apparatchik whom I’m proud to call a friend, it was revealed to me, and this was done without me having to resort to the provisions of the Freedom of Information Act, that roads were being dug up and taxpayers’ journeys disrupted, not for the common good as might have been supposed, but because the Apparatchiks had money left over as they approached the year end and that consequently the money needed spent.

No it doesn’t.

It might only be me but the money doesn’t need to be spent if it is not needed to be spent. I know that Apparatchiks, whether working for local or central government, and addicted as they are to spending other people’s money,cannot see this but it is possible to give the money back or take less from us in the following and subsequent years.

Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once....you do not need to spend my money just because it’s there.

And nor should you base subsequent budgets on what you spent the previous year plus a bit-another reason for spending on unnecessary road works and other stuff being rushed through in the dying days of a financial year.

Have you never heard of zero based budgeting? It is what those of us who are busy creating value each day do when we set budgets. Maybe the Apparatchiks should try it though heaven forbid they should take lessons from the likes of us. Methinks they would rather cut off their arms with a pen knife before they learn from us.

But maybe if they did we wouldn’t have half the country dug up at the same time. It’s just a thought.

Have a great week.

And if these words have got your brain cells working and you want more try www.themarketingcomic.blogspot.com for more. Check out ‘Have I got news for you?’.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Playing the blues

Is it only me....but even Blue Noses need to pay their taxes.

Now as you might know I originally come from a Celtic Northern Tribe living far to the north of The Wall of Hadrian, from a city dominated by its soccer teams, the Hoops or the Bhoys and the Gers, whose supporters are known affectionally as Blue Noses.

It is important to state for readers of these words, and for those north of the Wall of Hadrian these things are important, that by birth, pedigree and inclination I am a Blue Nose though these days I am a Blue Nose Lite with strong liberal tendencies which is a contradiction in terms to the Blue Nose Taliban.

And for the education of others bemused by what I am talking about, you can never be a Blue Nose or a Bhoy. You have to choose at birth and stick with it. And for many, birth chooses you as a Bhoy or Blue Nose. I hope you following this.

But moving on.

It will not have escaped your attention that in recent days the Gers, or Rangers FC to give them their Sunday name, has gone into administration owing a significant sum of money, and we are talking many millions here, to the Tax Apparatchiks.

This is big bad news. Not just for all who play for and work at the Gers; not just for the legions of Blue Noses worldwide spread like a contagion by the Diaspora to every far flung corner of the world; not just for Scottish football which requires the Gers and the Bhoys to be strong and powerful to keep the money flowing in to support every man, woman, boy and girl who plays the game north of the border; but for the very psyche of the Scots people as it approaches the 700th Anniversary of Bannockburn when it sent the English hordes back home to think again and as it stands on the threshold of independence.

You think I’m kidding.

It is said that the first devolution vote was lost in 1979 because of the damage to our psyche, whatever that might be, caused by the dismal failure of Ally McLeod and his team of Scottish football no hopers to bring home the World Cup from Argentina in 1978. Soccer is that big a deal to us.

Now clearly the Gers could have avoided their wee problem with the Tax Apparatchiks by buying them lunch as some banks and mobile phone companies are alleged to have done. Either the situation was so dire that the Gers did not even have enough loose change or luncheon vouchers lying around to run to lunch; or the Head Tax Apparatchik was a Bhoys fan and hell would have to freeze over before he would be seen tucking in with a Blue Nose.

I have not heard this claimed yet but it won’t be long before we hear a Blue Nose blubbing and greeting (which means crying not saying hello) that his beloved Gers has been made bust for sectarian reasons. And I wouldn’t bet against the religious beliefs of the key Tax Apparatchiks being investigated. Let us hope and pray they are Jewish.

I have however started to hear a few bleeding heart commentators and politicians start to claim special case status for the Gers and requesting that the Tax Apparatchiks go easy on them.

Now it might only be me but this is wrong. Day in, day out the Tax Apparatchiks are taking businesses of all shapes and sizes to court for not paying their tax bills and for taking steps to evade, not avoid, tax. And every day as a result businesses either write large cheques which pays for our schools, hospitals and Apparatchik pensions, or they go bust. And every time a company goes bust there is a human dimension.

It is no different for the Gers. And nor should it have been any different for Vodafone, Goldman Sachs and anyone else who escaped paying their due tax in return for lunch. Just because you employ 11 men who kick a ball around every Saturday does not give you special exemption. After all our schools, hospitals and Apparatchik pensions still need to be paid.

It will be a tragedy if the long history of the Gers should end, in the words of T S Elliott, ‘not with a bang but with a whimper’ but we can’t keep on making special cases. Every case is special to someone. And there is no way that chasing a ball can be deemed a special case.

If there is anyone out there who thinks otherwise please let me know.

And to every Blue Nose out there, and remember before you send the boys round, that includes me, have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Blowing hot and cold

Is it only me...but it seems I might have been right all along.

Devoted readers of my wit and wisdom will know that I am an ardent critic of the causes of Wonky Weather, better known as global warming by eco-and enviro-mentalists who themselves rebranded their spurious science to climate change to explain away freezing winters.

For years these doomsayers have controlled just about every agenda going with their doomsayer pronouncements and apocalyptic warnings of droughts, crop failures, rising sea waters and the loss of ice floes for the polar bear. And they were taken seriously. Unbelievable, I know.

Now it seems they were wrong and I might have been right, though of course this is not a time for intellectual superiority or patrician gloating. And for this point of view I have for once got the best of impeccable sources.

You might not have come across my proof given the stranglehold that the Wonky Weather deniers and the eco and enviro-mentalists have on mainstream media around the globe forbidding and limiting any discussion of alternative points of view. It is therefore my public duty to bring this new knowledge to a wider and more informed audience. This means you.

New research based on Met Office data, so it must be authoritative, has proved without a scintilla of doubt that global temperatures, despite the introduction of wheelie bins, more expensive air travel and charges for carrier bags, have remained flat since 1997. Indeed it now seems that global temperatures have risen by the meagre 0.4C in last 30 years. Not much is it?

And, if more proof was needed, a bunch of scientists wrote to the Wall St Journal pointing out that ‘computer models have greatly exaggerated how much warming additional CO2 can cause’.

In other words global warming or climate change is a myth and is nothing more than Wonky Weather as I have repeatedly pointed out for as long as I have been crafting these words.

Maybe M&S might now give us back all the 5ps they have taken from us all over the years in name of global warming given that the eco-mentalists have been shown to be a bunch of empty shirts. Do you think they will? No neither do I.

It might only be me but maybe this will put an end to the development of public and social policy aiming to fix Wonk Weather on basis of spurious unfounded and plain wrong science. As I have said all along Wonky Weather cannot be controlled. It just happens.

Before William the Conqueror landed on these shores we had a king called Ethelred who in a very public demonstration of his powerlessness proved that he could not control the waves. Now the latest research from the weathermen proves that we cannot control Wonky Weather by getting us to pay more to fly, to drive our cars, dump our rubbish and even to carry our food home from the shops. Green taxes have or will do nothing for Wonky Weather. Best we stop pretending it will.

Have a great week.

And if you interested in reading a love story for our times, check out www.themarketingcomic.blogspot.com.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.