Sandpit bullies

Did you read the news over the past few days that Uncle Sam’s finest Special Forces Action Men had stormed their way ashore in Libya and Somalia and taking prisoner a so-called leading Al Qaeda operative? 

What did you think?

Did you cheer that another alleged terrorist had been taken out?

Or shrug with indifference? After all it happened in a land so far away and did not seem to involve anyone from This Green and Pleasant Land.

Cicero is quite frankly appalled at such brutish and bullying behaviour and wonders if this sets a good example.

Now let Cicero be clear at the outset.

He is not soft on terrorists. He could never be described as a Bleeding Heart Liberal. And he has only ever read ‘The Grauniad’ once and that was by mistake. So he does not take the line that one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter.

However he does believe that no one and no country is above the law. And he does not think it right that Uncle Sam, or anyone else for that matter who purports to be a stickler for the maintenance of the law and due process, has or should have the right to wade ashore like modern day Milk Tray Men and just kidnap a stranger and whisk him out the country to be water-boarded or whatever.

This just isn’t right.

Surely there is a process for this sort of thing.

And if there is Uncle Sam must learn to use it and not just think it can do whatever it likes, wherever and whenever it likes, excepting of course with Russia, China, North Korea and Syria, where different rules seem to apply.

 Indeed Cicero is reminded that a few generations back the Brits were very good at taking on with their gunboats and Maxims people whose armaments amounted to no more than spears, pebbles and raw fruit. 

Uncle Sam seems to have learnt this doctrine of warfare. Libya and Somalia, yes. China and Syria, no.

Cicero has a vague recollection that Uncle Boris has a running dispute with Uncle Sam’s diplomats over their refusal to pay the Big Smoke’s Congestion Charge. Seemingly they think they are still back in the 1770s and are alleging ‘no taxation without representation’.  It will be tea in the Thames next.

But maybe Uncle Boris should take a leaf out of Uncle Sam’s play book.  

And send across our own Milk Tray Men to storm ashore in Washington and seize the Congestion Charge recidivists and whisk them out of the country before they can say ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.’

Would that work?

To right it wouldn’t.

Firstly we in this Green and Pleasant Land play by the rules, at least most of the time and we don’t bully.

Secondly it is doubtful if in these economically straitened times if we could muster enough Milk Tray Men to do the job.

And thirdly Uncle Sam wouldn’t like it. Bullies so hate it when people stand up to them. And should we dare to stand up to Uncle Sam, even if we could, we would never hear those words, ‘The Special Relationship’, again. Although on reflection Hugh Grant did seem to get away with it so it might be worth a try.

But in Cicero’s book those who aspire to export freedom, democracy and the rule of law, must live up to those same standards or perish by them.

Thoughts?

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. Semper. 

On the right track?

Last week Cicero spoke, and spoke so eloquently, about motorways. This week we are going to speak about trains and about one train in particular, HS2. This will be the last time for a while we will be communing about transport issues. Promise.

As we mentioned in my previous post Cicero is currently plying his trade and sharing his wit and wisdom with the lucky folks in the heart of this Green and Pleasant Land, pretty close to its supposed heart, in fact.

In this corner of the world the Angles and other tribes who have pitched their tents here are much vexed with the Two Caesar’s plans to build a high speed rail track through their gardens and fields. This plan has produced a highly contagious outbreak of Nimbyism for which there is at present no known cure though the finest scientific minds are currently looking into this. And naturally they are mightily displeased with the Two Caesars and their plans even though the plans were originally initiated by the Last Lot.

Now Cicero has many talents and skills and a wide spread of knowledge on very many topics but he would be the first to admit he is no transport expert. But this does not stop him from pronouncing and sharing his thoughts on this topic or any other with which he has scant knowledge.

Given this it is worth stating at the outset that to date Cicero has avoided succumbing to the outbreak of Nimbi’s and can this take a more detached view of the of the rights and wrongs of this issue for I have no skin in the game, other than as a taxpayer who will no doubt be funding this construction extravaganza. And possibly as a potential traveller who might choose to use the service to sojourn to the Big Smoke from time to time.  

My starting point in this debate is to admit that I know nothing about the topic, whether it economically stacks up though when did that last stop us doing things our Caesars wanted to do; whether or not we need the capacity that it is claimed we need; or whether there are better things we might do with the apparently obscene amounts of money it will take to build this Hornby Train Set.

But, and this is not something few realise, other than HS1 which links the Big Smoke with the land where Johnny Foreigner lives, we have not built any new train track in this country since the 19^th century which is even before Downton Abbey. So surely if we are going to build a new train line it is only right that we build the best, most up to date and most modern we can afford? After all if we were setting out to buy a new car we wouldn’t be looking to purchase a Model T Ford, would we?

It surely is not possible to run a modern 21^st century economy able to compete with modern and fast growing economies like Brazil, India and China (and possibly even Scotland once it discards it colonial shackles next year)  on a 19^th century infrastructure. Maybe those with Nimbyism think we can.

Finally we elect our leaders to lead, for good or ill, that is the strength and weakness of democracy, but we pay the Two Caesars to lead. So get on with it. You have looked into this and decided that this is the best thing for us to do. You have had experts with brains the size of planets to examine the issues and you still think we should do this. So in the words of my old friend, Aristotle, albeit in Greek, ‘lead on and just frigging do it’.

Those of you with higher active listening skills may have discerned Cicero’s previous subtle pronouncements that he is not usually favour of the Caesars spending his bawbees on State business but indubitably the Two Caesars will be relieved to know that this plan has Cicero’s blessing.

But what do you think? Have you a bad case of Nimbyism? Or even worse Ludditism?

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. Semper.

The road to hell

This will surprise you but this week Cicero is going to be helpful and constructive though

hopefully still radical and thought provoking.

I happen to work close to one of this country’s very few toll roads, the M6 Toll. Now as someone who hails from the far north of this green and pleasant land, well beyond the Wall of Hadrian, from a tribe with an ill-deserved reputation for being careful with their bawbees, it is unlikely that I am going to pay to drive on a road when there is a perfectly good alternative which is free.

And it seems that many other people think in a like-minded way.

I have, I must admit, paid once to travel around Birmingham, albeit by accident, I missed the turn off to stay on the free road. And the road was empty and deserted. And when travelling on the free road very very few drivers seem to come onto the free road from the pay road, or leave the free road to go onto the pay road. In short methinks that this is the whitest of elephants, indeed you might describe the M6 Toll as an Albino Elephant.

And in the meantime the traffic grinds to a halt as it travels through the West Midlands on the M6, the road that is free, causing drivers to be late for their meetings; delivery deadlines being missed by the truckers; and giving the eco-and enviro-mentalists the heebie-jeebies when they stop to consider the damage being caused to the polar bears in the Arctic by the traffic gridlock through Walsall, Smethwick and Wolverhampton.

On really bad days the inside lane is wall to wall with Yorkie Man and their big trucks.

Now I have an idea to save us all from this road to hell. And it’s a good one. And more to the point it is constructive and helpful. Well at least Cicero thinks so.

If the aim of a road is to get those using it from A to B in the swiftest and most frictionless way possible then clearly the M6 is failing. And even though there is an even better alternative available, albeit at a price. So why not incentivise Yorkie Man to use the Albino Elephant especially at peak times.

{WILD APPLAUSE}

Thank you. You are too kind.

The logic is quite simple. At peak times especially Yorkie Man is parked up on the free road, clogging it up for everyone else. So why not allow Yorkie Man to take his truck on the Albino Elephant as peak times when everyone else is trying to get to their offices for free or even for a significantly reduced toll? That way Yorkie Man gets his truck and his deliveries through the Birmingham and West Midlands funnel quickly and efficiently. Those trying to get to their offices on time will do so. And even the polar bears will benefit to the relief and no doubt unbridled joy of the eco-mentalists.

Everyone a winner.

Now some of Cicero’s readers might carp and cavil that there will be a significant impact on the revenues of the Albino Elephant. Will there? No one is using it in the first place. And it might be well that by breaking the default of Yorkie Man to use the free road that he might even see the benefits of using it outwith the promotion periods.

And some might moan that if we can do this for Yorkie Man why can’t they do it for those driving cars? Because it is my guess that most cars on the road at that time want to go into and out of Birmingham not through it, even if most probably would like to by-pass the city entirely.

And by removing a large chunk of the road population in one fell swoop all the traffic will benefit. 

Considerably.

Anyone object to such a great idea?

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. Semper.

Have yourself a very merry Christmas...

What month is it?

At this point you might be thinking that Cicero has finally lost his marbles and gone gaga. I am sure I can hear someone say ‘Poor man, he had such a brilliant mind once upon a time’.

Please, there is no need for faux sympathy and tears.

Obviously I know what month it is-October but only just. The sun still has some warmth in it and the trees remain wreathed in leaves, albeit starting to convert from soft green to crisp rusty brown. Some of the old grey cells are still working, mes amis, as M Poirot might say.

However a recent shopping experience did put doubt into my mind.

For while wandering around a local shopping mega-emporium in the dog days of September, Cicero was mightily disconcerted to see the shelves and other merchandising space replete with goods for Christmas. There were Christmas cards, decorations, trees and all kinds of other tat which we associate with the Bacchalian revels of December.

It’s September for God’s sake! There’s still 3 months to go! The kids have just gone back to school! ‘Strictly’ has only just begun! What’s going on?

And if you look around you bit by bit Christmas messages are beginning to seep into the marketing messages that daily bombard us-‘Book now for Christmas’; ‘sign up for your Christmas party’; ‘Christmas tat on sale here’.

At the place where Cicero earns his bawbees, Cicero is currently being chased on a daily basis for his Christmas card list. Even though the ‘X-Factor’ wannabees are still at Boot Camp.

It is not that I am agin Christmas and all the shenanigans that go with it. But I just like Time’s winged chariot to be lower in the sky before I start to dedicate brain cells to this festival.

Cicero would like to propose a law that there can be no mention, talk or discussion of the C-Word until after Bonfire Night.

It seems sensible that we don’t give a thought to the C-Festival until we have left Halloween and Bonfire Night behind us. Let’s take our festivities one at a time and not rush them. Let’s enjoy them, savour them, imbibe them even, before we move on to the next one. And let’s not confuse the human brain by disturbing nature’s logical and rational and ordered chronological sequence of events.

It’s time for the Two Caesars to do something useful with their days and introduce the necessary legislation forthwith. Instead of messing around with taxes on plastic bags and anything else the eco- and enviro-mentalists might be asking you to do; helping people buy houses with my money; or squabbling over who and who is not allowed to be married, please do this. For me. This might be the most transformative piece of legislation of the millennium so far.

And until Betty Windsor has signed off this legislation as good to go, Cicero will continue to ignore the C-Fest until Guy Fawkes has been reduced to cinders and ash, yet again. And if you are waiting for me to compile my C-Card list, you have another month or so before I will even begin to think about it.

What is the earliest sign you have seen of the C-Fest this year?

Bag it

I hope you enjoyed my long awaited return to the blogosphere last week. And by joining Twitter (Cicero really is down dere with da kids, as they say) I am reaching new audiences with my observations on life. If you want to twitter along with Cicero you can find him here @cicero_speaks.  I look forward to seeing you there.

And so to this week’s wry comment.

A few years back I have some vague recollection of a film in which a band of aliens came down and took over the bodies of humans. I think this is what has happened to the Two Caesars and their Acolytes. I think that the bodies they used to inhabit have been reduced to husks of their previous selves and they have been taken over in the latest move by the eco-mental global conspiracy.

How else do you explain their slavish devotion to the wind farms that are now breeding like rabbits on our hillsides and around our coasts? Is there any other explanation for their so far lack of full support for and commitment to fracking? And why we don’t seem able to build nuclear and even gas power stations in sufficient numbers before the lights go out.

And we do this even though all the scientific evidence that global warming in past 10 years has stopped and seem to be coming to my line of reasoning that it has nothing to do with so-called global warming but just Wonky Weather.

But still the eco-and enviro-mentalists would if they get their way, and they might given they now seem to inhabit the Two Caesars and even Li’le Ed too, take us back to the Stone Age with their eco-mentalist energy policies.

And now we have the latest eco-mentalist initiative-the Bag Tax.

If it wasn’t so serious you would have to laugh at such errant and wanton nonsense as being taxed for the right to take home the food we have bought.

Why do some people, well a lot of people, think that the solution to any problem must be State driven and must involve a tax? The State has much better things to do than take an interest in people’s plastic bag habits. Especially at a time when our hospitals are in chaos, our education system is a mess and we can’t even decide whether or not we should fire off a few rockets in the vague direction of Syria. But instead the eco-mentalists who are controlling the Two Caesars have decided that it would be a good idea for management time to be dedicated to taxing plastic bags. Revolutions in Europe where Jonny Foreigner resides have been started for less.

And has anyone stopped to ask what difference a Bag Tax would make?

Plastic bags make up less than 1% of the volume of waste sent to landfill. And no that is not a misprint, less than 1%. In other words bugger all. If eco-mentalism was serious about waste it would be better targeting other aspects of the waste industry.

It is also worth recognising that many plastic bags are used more than once. Cicero uses his plastic bags to cart his morning swimming gear around after his early morning dip. So it is not as if these bags are carelessly discarded after every use.

And while the eco-mentalists have allies in the Animal Lovers worried about the impact of discarded plastic bags on the fishies and the birdies, it is worth pointing out that the fishies and the birdies are highly prone to being made deceased at a faster rate by lots of other factors-like fishing nets, sharks and the butcher. Are we going to make these illegal too?

We should instead keep the State well away from this. And instead focus on our efforts at point-of-sale on changing behaviour as some retailers are already successfully doing. Or if the State has to be involved it could support R&D into more eco-mentalist friendly yet feasible packing.

In other words this is yet another cynical, gimmicky piece of green wash. Rather than innovation and technology delivering ecological progress, it looks to heavy-handed state intervention to punish consumers. And it contradicts the claims of the Government that they are seeking to reduce red tape and ease the burden on those already struggling to make ends meet.

Now do you see why I think the Two Caesars’ bodies, minds and souls have been hijacked?

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. Semper.

From out to in

I'm back.

Last week I saw an ad placed in the window of my local municipal library advertising adult language courses to take place in said establishment.

And although Cicero is generally known throughout Western Christendom even to this day as a man of learning and letters, I still thought ‘I will have some of that’. Especially since these days sadly few can converse in my lingua franca, a massive loss to civilisation I might add.

I was however gobsmacked, dumbfounded and incredulous when reading further that the Local Council Apparatchiks who arrange such learning do not consider the poor sods who work hard to earn the taxes to pay their bloated salaries and their obese dripping pensions worthy of this learning. Clearly we have learnt enough.

For these courses are only available through the day when only the work shy, the feckless and the aged are available. And exactly when the hard pressed taxpayer, or at least most of them, are not.

This is discriminatory and exclusionist. And as you know Cicero is an ardent believer in the inclusiveness of education.

This was a stone that Cicero was not going to leave unturned. Though I bet that the hapless Apparatchik who develops this programme now wishes Cicero had moved on.

On investigating further and through didactic debate with said Apparatchik it transpires that the 2 Caesars, supported by their Apparatchiks and egged on by Townbee and her Guardianista acolytes, have decreed that the workshy and the feckless must be prioritised when it comes to education to help them back into work. Seems reasonable.

But does anyone seriously think that learning Spanish or Italian is going to make a serious dent in the unemployment numbers, especially when Spaniards and Italians already speak in many cases far better English than some of these people do. Mandarin might help but are these people capable of learning such a tricky language?

I was also gobsmacked to learn that less than 10% of people attending these classes are paying full whack i.e. in a job. And that the Full Whackers are subsidising this service to the tune of £750,000 a year.

And although I have no ideological objection to the State, i.e. the taxpayer, funding education, it must be on the basis of opportunity for all. We seem to be swinging away from opportunity for the rich and privileged (equally wrong) to opportunity for the lazy, the workshy and the feckless. 

The solution is obvious. Well obvious to all those who work in the real economy, the ones who know what making a profit is, those who get the need to understand and meet the customer needs. In other words everyone who is not a State-, i.e. taxpayer-, funded Apparatchik.

Run the classes in the evening.

I know such an approach might interfere with the opportunity for the lazy and the feckless to watch Coronation St, East Enders and Emmerdale. (As an aside when did Emmerdale stop being a farm?) But those who do want to develop their language skills for their next visit to the Costas will still come along. As will the Full Whackers. And getting them along and involved is key but we will never do this if the courses are only on during the day.

No one gets excluded. More Full Whackers come along reducing the cost to the taxpayer. And the lazy and the feckless and the aged might even benefit from rubbing shoulders with those who subsidise their lifestyle. Everyone’s a winner.

Did this have appeal to the Apparatchik? What do you think?

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

No man's land

Is it only me…but whose responsibility is this bit?

Last weekend I headed north and back to the Motherland. Or is it the Fatherland? Now there’s an interesting question, why are some countries Motherlands and others, Fatherlands? Just thought I would ask.

But I digress.

Now it has always been my belief that England and Scotland are contiguous nations, sharing a common border. And I am sure that this thought will be your belief too. Look on any map and lo you will find that Scotland and England are joined at the hip, placed by an accident of geography right slap bang next door to one another and not even independence is going to change that.

And so you can imagine my surprise when heading up the M6 to discover that the English border sign is a good three hundred yards away from that which marks the border with Scotland. In other words there is a strip of land that lies between the two signs that is neither Scottish nor English. To whom does this strip of land belong?

I find this quite intriguing. Don’t you? And if you don’t believe me, next time you drive up the M6 and just before you cross into Scotland squint your neck round and look behind you to see the England Border Post and then look ahead to see where the Scotland Border Crossing is. I would love to know if this strip of no man’s land runs right across the border.

Now I knew that there was a certain amount of antagonism between the tribes to the north and those who have the misfortune to be based to the south of Hadrian’s Wall but I never realised that the state of affairs had grown so serious as to need a buffer zone between them, a kind of de-militarized zone like you find in the Korean peninsula.

Now maybe it’s only me but this throws up all sorts of questions.

If you live there what nationality are you?

Who governs you?

What will happen if and when Scotland rises and becomes a nation again? Are you Scottish or English? Or maybe you are Scotengland?

What would happen if oil is found in this strip? To whom would it belong?

And the biggest question of all, when England are playing Argentina, whom do you support? The answer to this is always a dead giveaway.

Now I am sure that the politicians, constitutional lawyers and even the UN have looked into this and have it covered off, but it is a fascinating question never the less.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.