Offensive marketing

Greetings.

Interesting to note that the comments made here on Mummy Leave are continuing to resonate, and from some of the most unlikely of sources. It seems that we may have united the Sisterhood by giving them a common enemy. Glad to be of service.

You will know by now that Cicero just hates shopping. In fact he would rather stab his eyes with knitting needles than drag his ageing and weary body around the shops. With two exceptions-he loves book shops and he has no objection to shopping for music though increasingly he is shopping for these online and cutting out the whole trailing around the shops experience.

Cicero has been reflecting on the kind of music he buys and he has noted that his repertoire is becoming increasingly limited to a handful of known and trusted (usually old!) artistes and musical combos. He reads the reviews of new bands and thinks they might sound interesting, maybe worth a purchase, but lest he wastes bawbees buying music he might not like, Cicero always errs on the side of caution and buys music from artistes he knows and recognises and trusts. And so you will find a lack of garage, techno, grunge or even garage grunge techno house sounds in his very extensive and eclectic music collection.

This may just be an age thing but this helpful piece of self analysis might have wider ramifications.

Now you might at this point be wondering where this is going but if you will hold on for a few more lines you will soon see the point we are trying to make.

Now this record buying experience got Cicero wondering how tougher economic times will affect how consumers might buy brands. Will they trade down and shop around more looking for a bargain or will they stick with the brands they know and trust, just like Cicero and his CD collection? And what are the implications of this for us marketing folk?

And so we spoke to some people and we found out that only a third of people claim that as money gets tight they will shop around more with the rest saying they are unlikely to change their shopping habits.

So what factors are driving consumer choice?

Interestingly only a quarter of shoppers claim to buy on price. 63 per cent claim that they will buy brands that offer the best value, 59 per cent buy brands they trust and 47 per cent go on brand recognition. So as you can see it is not just Cicero who fears making a mistake when he is down the shops.

In American football terms if you’re not on offense you are on defence and while businesses might be tempted to go on defence and just hope to ride out these tricky times, consider this.

The Profit Impact of Marketing Strategy Database (PIMS) has been tracking the business performance of over 3000 business units for over 40 years and has been described by Tom Peters as ‘’the most extensive strategic information database in the world’’, allowing businesses to identify those critical strategic factors that enable a business to achieve an improved sustainable position. This key source of business intelligence has identified that those brands that went on the offensive and continued to invest in marketing emerged into the recovery phase with higher return on capital and improved market share.

When money is tight customers want to be sure they are making the right choice. They don’t want to waste money buying something that is not what they wanted so they will increasingly buy brands they know and trust. This is not the time to cut but to maintain investment in brands and continue to develop and to deliver a trusted, relevant and distinctive brand positioning.

There are consumers out there buying almost exclusively on price alone but these are the minority and are least likely to be brand loyal. So why chase this market?
Businesses now need to focus on brand loyalists and on trying to grow their share of wallet or purse and successful brands must be seen to offer better value than the competition - focus on telling customers why your brand is worth the price by emphasising the added value and functional advantages that it offers.

Now is the time for your marketing to become truly offensive. As you know Cicero is great at being offensive.

Is it only me.......but there is a Plan B.

Last week I went shopping. I know that will come as a great surprise and shock to you but from to time it is something I have to do. I am not sure that after last week’s experience I will be hurrying back to the High St.

One of my stops was the M&S Food Hall. As we know M&S make great food and wonderful ads but they omit to tell you that when you buy some of their yummy food that they will charge you to be issued with a bag so you can easily transport their scrummy food to your kitchen.

Did you know this?

I was shocked and truly flabbergasted. And so I stood my ground and tried to reason with them. Fat chance. M&S is now in the thrall of the eco-mentalists. Yet there are arguments are so unconvincing that I am convinced that this is nothing to do with eco-mentalism but an attempt to widen margin.

Firstly I can have as many small green bags as I like for free. It was therefore possible for me to load my grocery into 10 green bags instead of one big bag. How does that help the environment? Surely even the dumbest eco-mentalism must concede the nonsense of this.

Secondly it is only the food hall that has put in place such a dumb policy. And this is a dumb policy. So I can buy a suit, a jumper, a pair of socks even, and be given free and gratis a carrier bag. So why is it only with food that I cannot be given a bag?

And thirdly, as I questioned, does anyone have any idea how much landfill space is taken up by plastic bag waste? Let me tell you. Only 0.3%. Disposable nappies take up more space but I don’t hear anyone think of trying to ban them. And if they did just listen out for the shrieks and howls of outrage from Harry Harperson and the Guardianistas. Never in the field of eco-mentalist conflict has so much been done for so little. I will repeat even if every carrier bag which went to waste came from M&S which it won’t, we would only save 0.3% of landfill space per year.

What nonsense. If M&S and their customers want to kow tow to the eco-mentalists that’s fine, but don’t fine those of us who can see through the fallacy of their arguments and who are un-believers.

Now it might only be me but I do think it morally reprehensible that a big mass market retailer brand should seek to inflict its values on those who might not share these values. And in any event, contrary to what M&S and its eco-mentalist friends might say, there is a Plan B.

Other retailers do not use sticks to beat recalcitrant shoppers like me into line but instead apply the principles of behavioural economics and behave like liberal paternalists. At Waitrose you have to ask for a bag. The default setting is no bags. At Tesco you get extra Clubcard points if you don’t take a bag. There are other ways.

And here is a free idea for M&S. Give the bags away for free but instead of splashing your logo across the plastic why not print the bags with slogans like ‘The carrier of this bag is a climate change denier’ or ‘This bag means more landfill waste’ or ‘The carrier of this bag is too mean to pay 5p for a proper bag’. And so on. You get the message. Only the most recalcitrant would opt for a bag with an offensive message.

Happy to help.

Please don’t come calling for the next couple of weeks. Cicero will be away enjoying the holiday break, refreshing his body and thoughts, and more importantly avoiding That Wedding and its associated flim-flammery. Enjoy the break.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

I can see clearly now.....

Hello.
According to Bob Geldof who said recently ‘a blog is like an arsehole-everyone has one’. Hopefully that is not how you view these words of wit and wisdom. Or the author.

And many thanks to the many women who expressed through private back channels their support for last week’s thoughts and opinions on Mummy Leave. It is interesting that it is women who support these views and that few will go on the record or commit their opinions to paper. Wonder why? Do they think they are letting the Sisters down? Do they fear reprisals from Harry Harperson and the Guardianistas? Hopefully the Two Caesars are taking notice of the lack of support for some of the more inequitable aspects of Mummy Leave.

And if you did leave a comment, thank you. But please note it wasn’t the principle of Mummy Leave which was being attacked but the principle that even when you get back you are still entitled to the holidays you would have had if you had not been on Mummy Leave. This still makes no sense.

Last week Cicero had to get a new windscreen for his chariot.

The woman at the dreaded Call Centre was charming and helpful and without being told knew that the windscreen required had to be heated to endure the cold winter months.

A few days later the fitter turned up as arranged and guess what. Wrong windscreen. ‘We will need to re-book appointment’, explained the fitter.
Needless to say Cicero was not happy with the re-inconvenience and calmly as is his wont explained that it was he who was being inconvienced despite providing all the required information.

‘Nothing to do with me, mate, I just fit them’, was the comeback as if that was a sufficient explanation. This is exactly the response that will always infuriate Cicero to the point of exasperation.

And to add to the infuriated exasperation, Cicero was advised that this happens all the time and yet it never seemed to occur to ‘nothing-to-do-with-me, mate’ to challenge or question a process which seemed to send him out on a regular basis with the wrong chariot windscreen. This was just the way life was. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

We will not bore you with all the grisly details but after hitting and bouncing off the ceiling quite a few times while Cicero dealt with Mr Jobsworth, and after a call to said Mr Jobsworth’s Head Honcho, a new fitter was despatched to Cicero’s chariot forthwith. And this time he brought the right windscreen.

Incidents like this happen all the time. They certainly happen when Cicero is around. They must happen to you. And right now something similar will be happening near you, possibly even in your business to your customers. How can people be so lacking in curiosity? How can it be beyond the wit and wisdom of anyone not to look to solve problems that you know are going to cause your frustration? How can anyone think that ‘nothing to with me, mate’ is an adequate response to an irate and disgruntled customer?

There's a one-word answer to all those questions: silos.

The call centre’s job was to take the order and transmit it to the local depot. There it was the manager’s job to put the right equipment in the right van. And it was the fitter’s job to fit the windscreen. The fitter would have done a great job if he had been supplied with the right information to do his job. But he wasn’t. And so he didn’t.

Here's the problem: Our jobs are complex and interdependent, but our goals, objectives, and, most importantly, mindsets, are often siloed.

We each have a job to do — sell a service, design a product, address a customer issue — and the underlying mindset is: if I do my job well, and you do your job well, we'll achieve our organization's goals.

But it rarely works that way. People in one silo often have information needed by — but never given to — people in another silo. And, as my experience showed, if there's a problem anywhere in the organization, everyone fails. Who is responsible for fitting the windscreen? It's a waste of time to parse that one out. And it's damaging to try. The truth is, they're all, collectively, responsible.

In other words we are all responsible for each others' work. It's all about collaboration. And every organization of two or more is a collaborative effort. And we are only as strong as the weakest link in our chain.

How do we escape the silo mentality?

It helps if leadership is explicit about the cross-silo outcomes that are most important in the organization. It helps if everyone working in the business is clear that satisfying customers is their number one priority and that everyone is collectively responsible for that outcome. It helps if each person is committed to a whole that is larger than their part.

It also helps if the organization's structures and processes support collaboration. If people meet regularly to share what they are learning and are taught the skills to give and receive feedback. It helps if people are taught to communicate clearly, gently, and inoffensively with each other, avoiding blame and embarrassment, for the sake of cross-silo outcomes.

All that helps. But even with all that support, direction, and skill, it still takes one more critical ingredient. Perhaps the most critical.

Courage.

The courage of a single person willing to take personal risks for the sake of the organization's success.

Because no matter how clearly leaders reward cross-silo outcomes, it takes great personal strength to identify and help correct a mistake in "someone else's" silo and to overcome the fear of the consequences of taking responsibility for colleagues' work.

But at least Cicero can see now clearly.

Is it only me.........but please sit down.

The other day I was on a train. The train was no more than half full. It was very early in the morning after all and only early birds looking for worms are up travelling at that time in the morning. And so I easily found a seat, parked my behind and hid myself in my work and in my music. Bliss!

One stop later and a fellow early worm approached me. ‘Excuse me’, he said, ‘but I think you are sitting in my seat’. I engaged my mouth and resisted the temptation to point out that since the train was half empty he had his choice of seats but since he clearly felt he was entitled to this seat I, like the true Brit I can be from time to time, apologised and huffed and puffed and went through the mighty rigmarole of getting together my stuff and moving to one of the many empty seats strewn through the carriage like scatter cushions. Perhaps, I thought, this seat is specially designed for his back or maybe it reaches our destination a wee bit quicker than every other seat on the train.

You see the same thing when you fly. You have inadvertently sat in an aisle or window seat, got yourself settled, and someone will come up to you, block the aisle thereby stopping everyone else from taking their seat, and refuse to move until he, or she, and on this occasion I am afraid to say it usually is a he, gets the seat they have paid to get.

Whether in the air or on the tracks, a seat’s a seat. It is not going to give you a massage. You are not going to be able to take it home with you. Nor will it, like Jimmy Saville’s used to do, make you a cup of tea. It’s the same seat as the one next to it or across the aisle from it or opposite it. It’s not your personal seat. So what’s the problem?

It might only be me but why can’t people just for once apply common sense. Surely I am not the only one who takes the view that at the end of the day a seat on a plane or on a train is the same as every other seat, unless you have paid a big wedge of cash more to avoid travelling Cattle Class, and it does not matter where you sit so long as the seat is free. Why add extra hassle to everyone’s lives by insisting that you get the seat you think you have paid to rent for the duration of your journey?

Why can’t you just sit down and be quiet.

If you are one of those who insist on getting the exact seat allocated to you, please tell us why.

In meantime, have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Spreading the virus

Welcome.

It was disappointing to see the lack of response to last week’s competition and chance to win a stunning prize. Maybe you are just not the creative expressive type. Still we will give you another week to submit your Man Booker winning six word work of fiction.

A few years back Cicero had the great misfortune of being in Sydney when the Angles narrowly beat the Convicts to win the Rugby World Cup. It was of course a misfortune because as a Celt there is nothing Cicero hates more than to see the Anglo-Saxon tribes win any sporting contest. Sorry but it is best to be up front on these matters. That way we all know where we stand.

While there Cicero was astounded to note how through mobile texting the Anglo Saxon supporters were able to mobilise parties at the drop of a hat. On one memorable occasion a few days prior to the Final, over 5000 Anglo Saxons were summoned to Bondi Beach for pre-match choir practice. It was a stirring sight to watch a crowd of middle aged sun burnt pink Angles with over tight England rugby shirts straining to contain a lifetime pub work, belt out their annoying repertoire with references to chariots, dark satanic mills and requests for the Supreme Being to look after Liz.
And remember this was pre-Facebook, Twitter and other such communications nonsense so God knows how many would turn up today should, God forbid, Anglo Saxons ever find themselves in the same position. But for Cicero the Bondi Beach Event was a seminal moment in understanding the power of viral.

No one broadcast the arrangements for the Bondi Event. Instead news was passed on through mobile phone texting with Anglo Saxons passing on the arrangements like Usain Bolt in the sprint relay. It was very impressive. And since then Cicero has been pondering how to develop a similar approach for businesses.

You can see a similar result being achieved with the spread of bad taset jokes through texts and e-mails. It looks simple and effortless and yet when businesses try it, it rarely works. Why is this?

Sure there have been some notable business successes-the Cadburys gorilla ad being a great example and check this out for another great example http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7XbtbQfM3k. You’ll love it.

So what combines all these great examples of successful viruses-or should that be viri?

All are relevant. All are engaging. All are interesting. All offer the sender an emotional reward for forwarding-you feel loved and relevant and tells your mates you are in the know. And so you want to pass them on so your friends don’t feel as if they are missing out. And that is why they work. Where would Susan Boyle be without a virus? Would anything have happened in Tunisia, Egypt and Libya without a good virus? Just think how a virus could be used in campaigning activity if we dissect the DNA of successful viruses and clone this.

It is not always the case but there are some viruses out there which can be good to spread. Do any examples strike you?

Is it only me............but this is not yummy, mummy.

At the place where I now ply my marketing trade and disseminate my marketing wisdom there is shall we say a surfeit of women of child bearing age. And from time to time we lose distaffs to pregnancy and Mummy Leave. This is no bad thing as we are going to need lots and lots of the little blighters to help pay for our old age so the more the merrier, that’s my motto.

Now clearly we do not want to lose women of talent from the market place and it is therefore important that we make it as easy as possible for women to return to their jobs and not face discrimination just because they met someone with whom they wanted to have children. I do understand that. I am not a total Neanderthal even if some of you may care to differ.

Last week indeed in my managerial capacity I had to deal with one distaff who was electing to return to work after 12 months absence. Naturally my aim was to make re-entry as smooth and as slick as possible. I was a New Man and I thought I discharged my legal and leadership obligations with great aplomb.

But one point did stick in my craw.

In making arrangements for re-entry my Returning Mummy pointed out that though she was due back at a point 12 months after she left she would be taking her 6 weeks holiday at that point.

‘Holidays?’ I spluttered, ‘What holidays?’ resisting the temptation to point out that she has just been on holiday for the past 12 months unlike the rest of us straining every sinew to keep the business going through an economic slowdown.

On checking with our resident People Person I learnt something new-and it was a deeply shocking new bit of knowledge at that. Now you might not know this either and so in the interests of Health and Safety I would advise you to sit down and make sure there are no sharp objects or hot liquids anywhere within arm’s reach.
It seems that Mummys on Mummy Leave still accrue holiday rights even though they are on holiday. It is the law.

Now it might only be me, though on this I’m pretty sure that I might have the support of 50% of the population plus the backing on any Distaffs for whom Mummy Leave does not apply, but this is ridiculous. How the hell does someone who has been on holiday and out of the business for the past 12 months still think they are entitled to the holiday they would have got if they had not been away? How do they have the nerve to even ask for holiday without blushing, law or no law?

No doubt this is a Harry Harperson initiative introduced by the Last Lot, no doubt cheered on by the Guardianistas whom as we know pay no heed to the impact such daftness has on those creating value. However the Last Lot have now gone and I would urge the Two Caesars if they are serious about restoring growth to our shattered economy to look again at this madness and, without impacting on the return to work rights of our Mummys, apply some common sense to their holiday entitlement.

And if you are a Mummy or want to become one, please help me understand how you justify asking for yet more holiday.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

For whom the bell tolls

Bonjour.

Very little feedback on last week’s words of wit and wisdom so obviously not thought provoking or unreasonable enough for you, the only true test for this column. Dearie me.

But we did get a comment from a doctor, no less. We are moving up in the world. And the really scary thing about his comment is that he agrees with our diagnosis on the NHS. Even he, with initials before and after his name, can’t get an appointment either. This is more serious than we thought. We shall return to this topic.
Anyone else from the NHS care to comment?

And someone did ask why someone like Cicero is using the NHS with all its flaws, defects and problems. It is assumed that Cicero would pay for medical treatment to avoid having to queue with the great unwashed. You forget whence Cicero comes...why pay again for something which has already been paid for and when it can be obtained for ‘free’?

Today we are going to set a wee test and I would like as many of you possible to write in with your thoughts. There will be a prize. And even though this competition will test your creative juices it will have great relevance to all of us in business. Even Apparatchiks can play this game though its real world relevance might be limited though there is no need why it should be.

One day the great Ernest Hemingway was challenged, no doubt in a bar over a couple of Ryes and soda, his tipple of choice, to write a story in six words or less.

Ern thought about it for a moment, grabbed pen and paper and wrote this emotional, intriguing and cliff hanging yarn

‘For sale. Baby’s shoes. Never worn.’

Now this tale might lack the polish and finish of say ‘The Da Vinci Code’. It might not be enough to amuse you on a long journey. And it is unlikely to be made into a movie. But it is one helluva of a story and the sequel is sure to be umissable.

And so your test this week is to come up with a similar work in fiction in six words or less and as promised there will be a prize for the winner.

But let’s not stop there for we can apply the Hemingway test to many situations.

For example last week Cicero was challenged to apply the Hemingway Test to come up with a reason why anyone should want to buy the Luvvie Brand where he is currently plying his trade.

Could you come up with a compelling, engaging, relevant and distinctive story to explain your brand in six words or less? Go on, try it. Yes, that’s you, do it now. Even if you are working in Third Sector as we now call charities, this applies to you. Remember you too are in competition for donations and handouts so you too must be able to do the Hemingway Test.

And just think too of all the money that could be saved on mission and vision statements if Head Honchos could develop in less than 6 words a compelling story why their people should get out of bed and come into work inspired and motivated to build the brand across every touch point.

You may have heard this before but it is always apposite to quote the cleaner at NASA asked by JFK what her job was replied

‘My job, sir, is to help put a man on the moon’.

Nothing long winded about that. And exciting, inspiring and motivating. Hemingway would be proud. Now let’s see if you can do any better.

Is it only me..........but here’s a funny thing

Within hours of the recent tragedy in Japan my phone was awash with text jokes finding humour in this situation. And in parallel my inbox was soon filled with humour in the same vein. Now this is not the place to disseminate further this kind of humour so if you came here looking for sick jokes, then you have come to the wrong place, pal.

Now the same thing happened after the Christchurch earthquake, the death of Michael Jackson, indeed after any sad event sick, deranged and depraved humour swiftly criss-crosses the globe. Indeed there were even jokes from those with racist tendencies following the recent victory of the Welsh tribes over the Pictish tribes. How sick can you get?

Indeed I have heard from one devotee reader of these pages whose works takes him away from civilisation for long periods of time, that when he eventually reaches shores and approaches a mobile phone signal sick texts are what alerts him and his mates to news of tragic import that they will have missed while they were ruling the waves on our behalf. Surely a better source of reliable news than the usual news outlets. Sir John Reith, eat your heart out!

Now we may think that jokes in such taste are inherently bad and sick but I am sure that many psychologists will agree that black humour can be a very effective antidote to tragedy and provide an escape value for society allowing it to grieve and share emotions safely. Well at least that’s my defence and for those of you in receipt of my texts and mails in this vein, please remember that I am in fact performing a useful social service.

Now it might only be me but I am always curious as to where these jokes that travel and cross borders with such ease, actually start. Who is sitting there with pen and finger poised over PC or phone or iThingymybob keyboard scanning the news from around the world looking for the any item announcing the arrival of any one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

I would love to trace these so called jokes back to their source. Is there a factory or somewhere in the Developing World or a sweat shop in the back streets of some northern town where labourers toil for long hours earning a pittance working without the protection of Employment, Health and Safety and Minimum Wage Laws turning out these gags? If so we should inform the Guardianistas. They hate this kind of thing.

If anyone knows how and where these jokes start can they please let us know.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Dear John

In the words of Neil Diamond, hello again, my friend.

Did you read last week’s comments? If so you will know that we have knowingly converted to our rational point of view our first Apparatchik Guardianista. Welcome to our world, hopefully you will stay a convert. It is never too late to learn and as Professor Brian Cox once said ‘things can only get better’. Bet you never thought that Cicero knew so many contemporary cultural references.

Last week Cicero received a ‘Dear John’ letter.

Now before you all get your hankies out and weep for Cicero at this emotional tragedy, there is something you need to know.

Now contrary to popular belief Cicero is very au fait with the digital world and to ensure his knowledge and understanding is up to date has subscribed to many newsletters and e-mails from companies around the world offering to keep him up to speed with all the latest developments.

Those of you who also follow this practice will be aware that in-boxes rapidly become filled and so last week Cicero took the unprecedented decision to unsubscribe. Shock, horror!

And do you know what this company said in return, and here we are quoting verbatim
‘Remove me! You have now been removed from our database. Good luck’
It felt as if unsubscribers had moved beyond the pale and been surgically taken out. And why was good luck required. Surely it is possible to subsist without the help and influence of this company.

Now this is a big trick that marketers are missing and like all other touch points surely it should be possible for breaking up to be not quite as painful. After all you may well have invested a lot of money and energy getting a subscriber so why just say ‘see you around sometime’ when the divorce happens. Why not make a wee bit more effort to keep the door open?

Many brands are failing to embrace the marketing opportunity created by consumers unsubscribing from their marketing emails. They are dismissing consumers who fall out of love with their emails as lost causes rather than enabling them to enhance their relationship with the brand in a different way.

It would have been nice when waving goodbye if Cicero’s ex dot com buddy had at least said thank you for your custom and for your interest.

Perhaps too it could have asked for feedback. How about giving customers the opportunity to tell you exactly where you went wrong, and to let you know just how much all of your email communication flaws and bad habits deterred them.

Another option might be to offer customer the option of less frequent emails. This is exactly what M&S does. Or even more relevant e-mails.

These are just a few suggestions. There will be many more approaches out there to help ease the pain of digital break ups. And if you have any great examples, please do share.

Get it right and your Dear Johns need not be adieu but merely au revoir and a bientot too.

Is it only me.................but how do you get to see a doctor?

Now fortunately I am blessed with good health apart from of course from failing eyesight as tempus fugit, the odd dodgy knee and a few patches of rough skin. Other than that I am hale and hearty and rarely need to trouble the medical profession. And despite the massive transfer of my wealth into the NHS on a monthly basis I do not begrudge paying it though I do wish that the Apparatchiks who run this esteemed institution did learn to spend my money a wee bit more wisely than hitherto and did spend as if it was their own money and with less profligacy.

However the other week I ailed and required the services of the medical profession and I learnt just how difficult it is to see a doctor, despite you would have thought the quacks considering me essential to treat given that I, and quite a few others like me, are the people who bankroll the NHS.

Now in theory it should be possible to get a same day appointment. The key word here is theory. The phone lines open at 8am and by 8.05 same day appointments had disappeared faster than Take That tickets disappear though it is mystery to me why these would disappear with great alacrity. Still no accounting for taste. Anyway the Moll who runs the reception services could offer me no adequate explanation why appointments should disappear so quickly. It is not like we have a shortage of quacks, we must have at least 10. So I can only surmise that a) there is an epidemic where I lay my hat b) I reside in a particularly ill area c) appointment slots are being bought up by touts and sold on to the highest bidder.

Now the natural thing when you are unable to book for later in the day is to request an appointment for the following day. But no that is not possible. Despite this being the logical and rational approach, well at least to those of us with imagination and common sense, I was informed by the Doctor’s Moll that this was impossible as I would have to ring back the next day.

Next day same result.

Day after same result.

Day after that I was cured.

Now I know this might be a way to save the NHS money but it might only be me but how exactly do you get an appointment these days to see a doctor. Some people manage it and they can’t all be buying appointment slots from the touts. It seems that if you are chronically sick and/or feckless and unemployed you know how the system works, you have been inducted into the mysteries of the appointment booking system and taught the password. But quite frankly these sorts of people are not the ones paying for the service.

On the other hand, the occasionally sick and full time funders of the service are out in the cold, fighting for the appointment booking scraps, never mind whether it fits with a window in their busy Blackberries. May I suggest that this is the wrong way round and the occasional sick should be prioritised and restored to health with great speed to earn the wealth we need to keep the service going for others?

A few years back I suggested an innovation-appointments for commuters. And behold this innovation was taken up though too few to make a difference and to get one of these you have to schedule your sickness a few weeks in advance.

We need more innovation. Any ideas?

Have a great week. And stay healthy.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

The compleat angler

Greetings

It seems that we are now able to annoy Guardianistas and Apparatchiks without even meaning to (see last week’s comments from Anonymous to understand). A rare skill indeed.

Is this the time to point out to the Apparatchiks and Guardianistas that they enjoy the kind of pension heavily subsidised in large part by the value creating taxpayer and squeezed middle who themselves do not get such generous settlements in old age? Can someone please explain why this is fair and equitable? God bless Lord Hutton for pointing out the inequity of this absurdity. And yet the Apparatchiks have the cheek to want to revolt. They should be want what they get, not get what they want.

But let us put this behind us and move on to discussing more worthwhile and interesting matters.

Cicero loves coaching. And he enjoys reading about coaches and how they help prepare their coachees to deliver great performances. This can only help Cicero continue in his role as sage, mentor and guru to Marketing Grands and Petits Fromages and to his many devotees who imbibe his every word.

And last week he spent a brief time in the company of one of rugby’s great coaches who passed on these wise words.

One day a hunter and a fisherman went away camping, resolving to experience nature and to live off the land. On day one there’s plenty of fish for the men to catch and both men were happy and fully fed. On the second day there were far fewer fishes in the river and the hunter is beginning to get agitated, no doubt beginning to feel the hunger pangs in his tummy and the slow steady onset of anorexia.

‘Be patient’, the fisherman tells him, ‘you must wait and see if any fish will come this way.’

Prepared to wait and confident in his skill as a fisherman, the fisherman catches one fish late in the day to keep starvation at bay through the night.

Day three and nothing is biting at all and the fisherman knows it is going to be one of those days and a long slog. ‘No fish today’, he says to the hunter, ‘that’s just the way it is.’

But the hunter doesn’t accept this. He fashions a spear from the boughs of some nearby tees, wades into the water and starts to walk upstream. Brushing the cold and wet to one side he eventually finds and spears a fish.

And the moral of the story-you have got to make things happen, you’ve got to get on the front foot and never accept that ‘this is just the way it is’. If it’s not a good day, you turn it round. You never ever shrug your shoulder and accept the status quo. As Ghandi might have said ‘you must be the change you want to see in the world’. Clearly he was a hunter and not a fisherman.

Now this moral works on a couple of levels.

First as a coach. We can help our people to get on the front foot, to explore and try new ways of doing things and thinking. And not just to accept that they can’t improve, get better or move from their comfort zone just because ‘that’s the way it is’. As coaches we can encourage our people and our business not to play the fisherman role but to wade into the water and go out and make things happen. That is why great businesses and good people succeed.

But we can also use such a philosophy to improve, challenge and question things that are wrong within our business and cause the interferences that make life difficult for our customers. We can refuse to accept the wrong and we can wade upstream within our business to right wrongs that we know or can see are agitating our customers. How many times as consumers do we encounter shop staff, call centre people, waiters and waitresses, and everyone else in the customer service business who excuse bad service on the grounds that ‘that’s just the way it is’. Nonsense, it can be changed if we can be bothered to change it. And nothing riles Cicero more than we comes across people, usually in Hi Viz vests, who just shrug at some absurdity or other and excuse it on the basis that ‘is just the way it is'. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

From now on, let’s resolve to be hunters. It will be better for our people, our customers and ultimately for our businesses. And that way none of us will starve to death.

Is it only me.........but this is dangerous.

I don’t know if it has ever struck you how inherently dangerous ‘average speed restrictions’ are on our motorways. Well it has struck me and hopefully the Two Caesars and their Apparatchik Little Helpers who work in the Highways Agency will take heed. Don’t hold your breath.

Now no doubt someone will point out based on spurious statistics that average speed restrictions through road works saves 1.72 lives a year. And no doubt too the eco-mentalists will point out that by reducing speed through the road works and for every county on either side of where the men in the Hi Viz vets are supposed to be digging, reduces our carbon emissions by 0.29g per annum. And so in the basis the Men from the Highway Agency will crack open the champers, say ‘job done’ and pay themselves a whopping Apparatchik bonus, or as I like to call it, transfer money from my pocket into their wallet.

But hold on a minute. Before we get carried away on a binge of righteous self congratulation, let us examine a few more facts.

Now we may not here have all the facts at our disposal but since when has that ever stopped anyone from making a point. However it has not escaped my attention that on a daily basis the Traffic Gals who populate our radio stations will report that the ‘M(insert number) has been closed for the past few days due to an incident(note-we no longer have accidents) in the roadworks’. And of course the road either side of said accident, sorry incident, will have been closed for at least 50 miles. No doubt to give the Wombles something to do in their 4x4s.

Now I have a theory why this might be the case.

These accidents are caused by drivers staring incessantly at the speedometer and feverishly calculating their average speed between the yellow sticks, instead of watching the road and concentrating on what is happening in front of them. And then bang, crash, wallop, another incident and another stretch of motorway turned into a car park for the next few days.

Now it might only be me but this is why average speed checks are so dangerous and should be banned. This might upset the eco-mentalists and Health and Safety Gauleiters (Motorways Branch) but quite frankly surely we can live with a few more grams of CO2. And does it not take a lot of energy and extra CO2 to repair all the cars damaged and written just because we have lost the art of mental arithmetic these days? I bet no one has included that in their calculations.

Have a great week. And drive safely.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

A very good question......

Greetings, amici.

Last week we managed to keep the Guardianistas quiet. Not sure if that is good news. No doubt they were pre-occupied with helping immigrants to this country obtain benefits or fighting to maximise the amount we taxpayers re-distribute to others through so called ‘progressive taxation’. Why is regressive taxation such a bad thing?

Last week Cicero was asked a very good question. It was so good that Cicero was stopped in his tracks and took a few more days to ponder and develop a meaningful response. Hence the reason we are a day or two late. Hopefully the delay will be worth it as you will be the first to hear Cicero’s latest theorem.
And the question............

First a bit of background.

Cicero has recently collaborated with and indeed presented on a new report dedicated to building brands from the inside out. In essence it is Cicero’s belief that Marketing Grands and Petits Fromages over emphasise brand building with consumers and pay little attention to ensuring that the people who deliver the brand and customer experience day in and day out understand and are fully aligned with the brand and its promise. This is wrong. If we do not pay sufficient heed to this important aspect of the brand we are just applying lipstick to the pig.

And in response to this Cicero was asked ‘how do you measure internal brand awareness?’ ’ Great question. Let me get back to you on that one.’

And so after a wee ponder, we now have an answer. And you are going to hear it first. And as with much else the solution is probably quite simple and straightforward. But it is an important issue if we remember that what gets measured gets done.

Clearly the most logical way to measure internal brand awareness is through some kind of survey and the most obvious way to do this would be to tag some interesting questions onto a Staff Attitude Survey, or SAS, which is quite appropriate really given that in this area those who dare will well and truly win.

But it is not enough just to measure Awareness. We must also measure Belief and Credibility. And there we have it-the ABC model of internal branding. , a new model at the heart of internal branding. As already said you have heard it here first. It is worth coming back to see what we are saying and discussing here.

Our people must not just be Aware of what the brand stands for and what it means for how they might do business but they also must Believe in the brand, its values and its promise. And critically too the brand must be seen as being at the very heart of the way the business operates. This is what makes the brand truly Credible in the eyes of our people.

So what questions should we ask our people to understand our ABC score? Here are five for starters:
• How well do you understand the brand idea?
• Do you know what this means for how you do your job?
• Do you believe in the values of this business?
• Do you share these values?
• Do you think we put these values at the heart of the way we do business?

What do you think?

And as was said a few paragraphs back the answer is quite straightforward and simple. It is almost as easy as ABC. Now all that needs to happen is for businesses and more specifically Marketing Grand Fromages to take the issue of internal branding a tad more seriously. But that is a whole different ball game. At least we now know how to track progress.

Is it only me............but who cares?

Well the Royal Wedding preparations are starting to run through the gears and our glamour-loving-forelock-tugging-royalty-fawning-glitz-sycophantic media too are cranking up the gears to full speed. The Arab world is in full scale revolt, petrol prices inexorably rising and Brits trapped in the sand pit of North Africa screaming at the Two Caesars to get them out of here, even though they went of their own free will into one of the most unstable regions on the planet to earn well above the going rate.

But while all this going on our Golden Royal Couple stepped into the limelight. Firstly in North Wales and then in St Andrews where love’s young dream first met. Bless.

In North Wales, as reported on the BBC, and let no one here say that the BBC is dumbing down and going down the star struck route, a young woman, 28, ‘sang the Welsh national anthem, as well as a hymn in Welsh’.

Shock. Horror. Someone has sung the Welsh National Anthem in Welsh. Is there any other way to sing the Welsh National Anthem? Tens of thousands sung it in Welsh at recent rugby matches. Did we hold the front page for that?

And we are also told that the same young lady ‘wore a cream tailored coat, with brown collar and had her hair swept up into a pony tail and fastened with a black feathered fascinator’ while the young man accompanying her ‘wore a dark suit and winter coat, buttoned up against the wind.’ Go down the Tube every day and you will see loads and loads of men wearing dark suits and winter coats though admittedly fascinators, which look like road kill, are a wee bit rarer on the Tube these days.

Now it might only be me but who cares what someone is singing and in what language or what he or she is wearing? That is not news. The BBC is supposed to be the international standard for journalism. If this is the case worldwide journalism is sinking fast. It is time to remember the Lord Harmsworth dictum that "when a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if a man bites a dog, that is news."

Woman singing the Welsh National Anthem is not news but trivia. As is man wears darks suit. It is time for journalists to be journalists and not trivialists.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.