Doing a Ratner

Hello.

Cicero was asked during the week by a correspondent unversed in the Latin vernacular to explain the meaning of the sign off at the foot of your weekly dose of wit and wisdom.

And so for those of you lacking in a classical education, these words mean ‘Be happy. Be lucky’. Surely a great philosophy to get you through the week ahead.

So now you know.

And before Cicero forgets, you might like to know that this is Movember and so, to draw attention to men’s health issues and to raise money for these, and in particular prostate cancer, Cicero will not be shaving through this month. Watch this space for updates.

Moving on.

Last week Cicero met an old colleague, a renowned Marketing Grand Fromage or MGF, whose name we had better keep hidden to avoid super injunctions and other writs, and to keep a friend.

‘How you doing?’, asked Cicero by way of a greeting, ‘And how’s business in these tough economic climes?’

‘Great to see you. It’s been a while. Business is tough but not too bad-could be a worse. But these punters wind me up. Some of them are so thick and cause us nothing but hassle.’

Cicero was dumbstruck. So dumbstruck that he was unable to respond. ‘Punters’? ‘Thick’? ‘A hassle’? This is no way to talk about the people who pay our wages and keep us in the style to which we have become accustomed. Where’s the respect?

And this set Cicero thinking. A lot can be learnt from this brief conversation.

Paying close attention to customer complaints is a leadership "best practice." But how many of us out there in the real world pay close attention to things people say about their customers. And few things say more about organizational culture and character than how your people complain about the customers and clients they serve.

Put aside hypocritical bullshit bingo slogans like "The Customer is King" and "The Customer is Always Right." When frustrated and on deadline, your people rarely talk about their most challenging and/or most important customers that way. What employees say — and how they say it — when the going gets tough speaks volumes.

Respectful criticism and critique should always be welcome. But all too frequently there's condescension and contempt. The smartest and ablest experts in knowledge-intensive and creative industries, like marketing, sometimes appear quickest to mock their customers' perceived ignorance and incompetence. This behavior isn't cathartic but corrosive.

Tone at the top is crucial. Remember Gerald Ratner when he famously described what his shops sold as ‘total crap’. He was torn apart.

The larger question, however, remains: Why would any Head Honcho or MGF in any organization say or do things that disrespect their customers?

If contempt for customers is part of the "brand experience"— yes, Mr O’Leary this means you — then such dismissiveness makes business sense.
But if these comments authentically represent organizational perspectives, then no one should be surprised when customers and clients choose to return the favour and walk.

When marketers wonder aloud "will the dogs eat the dog food" when they launch a new product or when sales people joke among themselves about how they got the customer to overpay, the organization is allowing a disrespect discourse to harden into a cultural norm. Making fun of customers isn't funny but dysfunctional, self-destructive and ultimately corrosive.

And this is the real leadership challenge-to let people feel free to critique and discuss customer relationships without it becoming disrespectful and rude. For it is possible to learn much from understanding why your people think the way they do and to take actions to improve. Indeed it is possible to learn as much from the complaints your people make about your customers as from the complaints your customers make about your people.

Your customers might be bad but they do pay your wages and we must never ever forget that. Unless of course you too wish do a Ratner.

And now Cicero wishes he had thought of that response to his MGF friend.

Is it only me.......but not everyone in this country is unemployed, some of us actually work.

Last week I had something delivered at home. Or at least someone I had bought something from tried to deliver something to me at home. Not unsurprisingly I was not in. Foolishly I had gone out to earn some bawbees rather than stay at home waiting ceaselessly on the off chance that some courier or parcel service might walk up my path with my parcel. I know. It’s my fault. I should have stayed at home. How else after all was I going to get my purchase delivered?

Now it never ceases me to amaze me how some businesses think everyone in this country is either unemployed or a house husband or wife. And yet many of them don’t appear to realise that an 8% unemployment rate equates to a 92% employment rate therefore there is a 9 to 1 chance that people are going to be out.

I am one of the 92% who has a tendency to be more out than in should anyone try to deliver something to me in during what is still known in many parts as the working week. In other words there is no point in anyone trying to get me at home on a weekday between my core working hours of 9 to 5. Indeed when you factor travel and discretionary hours time, there is very little point in trying to catch me at home unless you do so during the wee sma’ hours when only binge drinkers and ne’er do wells are out.

And of course when you are not at home but at work trying to do your bit to pull the economy out of its stall pattern, your parcel gets taken back to the parcel depot, you are left with a card telling you that should you wish to retrieve your purchase you will have to drive across two counties to collect....and of course they only work working hours too. Kafka would be proud.

Now some of the more technologically advanced Parcel Postman Pats will send you a text to let you know that their van with your goods in it is on its way to you. This is quite a breakthrough but this innovation is only useful should you work in the local smithy and are able to get back home within the hour. It fails to take account that in the post industrial knowledge based economy we now have, people no longer eke out a living in the garden shed or in the local fields. The world has moved on even if Parcel Postman Pat hasn’t.

Now it might only be me but it is time for these people to wake up and realise that we are not all unemployed benefit scrounging no marks. Some of us have a job and as a result we have a tendency to be out during the day. But the solution is simple. Change your business model.

Instead of trying to deliver during the day, deliver in the evenings and at weekends when it should be easier to find people at home. I know some think of me as a genius but that surely isn’t rocket science. In this day and age, with a 24x7 economy, there is no longer any need to pay people extra to work outside ‘working hours’, such arrangements are only made for public sector workers because ‘they’re worth it’.

And there must be financial benefits if Parcel Postman Pat can maximise the number of one touch deliveries he makes without the need to return the parcel to the depot.

It’s simple really. Anyone else got a business problem they want me to solve?

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Hellish weekend

Welcome.

And no the road has not yet been fixed. And yes it remains dug up and unsutured. But it is time to move on and so we are going to dwell no longer this week on the state of the roads around the Cicero Villa.

Time this week to consider what it means to be a customer. But first a wee story.

Once upon a time a man (it could have been a woman but let’s keep it simple) died and went to heaven. As is the norm he arrived at the Pearly Gates and was met by St Peter (or the Muslim, Sikh, Hindu equivalent) who made him a special offer.

‘For this weekend only we have a deal going with the Devil. You are expected in here but for the weekend you can sample Hell. For the next 2 days and 2 nights you can experience all that Hell has to offer but when you come back to these Gates, you must give me a decision and you will have to live with that decision for eternity.’

‘Sounds fair enough to me, in for a penny, in for a pound’, replied the former man, and off he went to try out all that Hell had to offer.

And he was pleasantly surprised. It was great. He met many of his old friends and colleagues, the weather was fantastic and every whim and need was catered for. It was a bit like a Club Med exclusive holiday.

After his 2 days were over he dragged himself off and went back to the Pearly Gates to give St Peter his answer.

‘Now you know the deal’, said St Peter, ‘you can either come in here or go back to Hell but whatever you decide, then you will have to live with the consequences forever.’

‘After much consideration’, replied the man, ‘Hell was not what I thought it would be like and all my mates are there and so I choose Hell’.

And with that the gates to Heaven slammed shut and the man was immediately dumped back in Hell. But this time it was so different-it was dark, very hot and totally soulless. In short it was hellish.

After a wee while in the place the man eventually spied the Devil and called him over.

‘Hey, I was here over the weekend for a couple of days and it was very different-it was like a holiday in paradise before. What happened? Where’s the fun? The great weather? The sea, the sun, the Sangria?’

‘Ah’, said the Devil, ‘yesterday you were a prospect, today you’re a customer’.

And for many of us this tale captures what it means to be a customer.

Think about it. Banks, phone companies, utility companies and many others reserve the best deal for new customers while existing customers have to pay the price. Many think this wrong.

But we only have ourselves to blame.

Companies offering their best deals to existing customers would soon go out of business and wouldn’t attract any new customers. We choose to buy insurance, a new mobile phone, our gas company, on the basis of price. And we stick there through thick and thin even though we know new customers are getting a better deal. What do we expect?

So what’s the answer?

Firstly we as consumers must learn that there is more than price to consider when shopping around. And we should shop around and move our business around more. Make it really painful for brands to take our custm for granted. Not enough of us are doing that at the moment.
And brand owners must not take the lazy way of winning business-cutting price. Instead they should try to build a brand and brand loyalty based on more than just price.

Until that happens we are all fated to spend together in Hell.

Is it only me..............but I can’t stay mum on this.

Last week in my capacity as a Head Honcho I was asked to sign off about 3 weeks holidays by one who has the pleasure and privilege of working with me on a daily basis.

Nothing unusual in that, you might think. Signing off and agreeing to holiday leave is a fairly regular and non-controversial occurrence in offices up and down the land. In this instance however the person in question has just returned from a year’s maternity leave and is now endeavouring to squeeze 3 weeks leave before the year end.

I was a wee bit amazed that my esteemed colleague had so much leave available given that she has not be seen in the office for the past 9 months so you can imagine my incredulity when informed that even though someone has been playing Mummy for the past few months they are still entitled to all the benefits and privileges of a worker even though they have not been present in the office.

And yes you have heard me right. Even if you have been away from the office for a year bringing up baby, you are still entitled to your ration of annual leave. Seemingly it’s the law.

Now let me say at the outset that my issue here is not with the person requesting leave but with the dumb Apparatchik and Politico who agreed to such a practice in the first instance. Methinks I detect the hand of Harry Harperson from the Last Lot behind this madness.

I would love to understand the rationale for this for I can see none.

Some people may go on about fairness and equality but what is fair and equal about this. I do believe it right and fair that Mummys, Yummy or otherwise, should be entitled to come back to work but is it fair that Mummys who have been away from their desk for a year should have the same rights and privileges as the Stakhanovites who have toiled long and hard at their desks and workstations to keep the business going through one of the toughest economic periods we have seen? These are the folks who need time away from work to refresh and re-charge batteries and who deserve every pat on the back and going.

And has anyone considered the unintended consequences of policies like this? Do Harry Harperson and her Guardianista equality advisers not see that small businesses in particular will find ways, lawful of course, to avoid giving employment opportunities to women of child bearing age?

Now maybe it’s only me who thinks this way but I really can’t stay mum on this issue. No doubt I will get letters from the Guradianista Sisterhood but someone has to speak up and point out that the Emperor has no clothes.

Have a great week....especially if you are having a baby.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Teachers have a lot to answer for

Greetings, amici.

You, loyal readers and devoted students of the works of Cicero, are owed an almighty apology for his enforced and prolonged absence from these pages for the past few weeks. Fortunately your patience is today rewarded and we are back with more words of wit and wisdom. Apologies.

And lest you were wondering, and you will find this difficult to believe, but since we were last together the Navvies who have been ‘working’, and we use this word advisedly as not one has been seen actually expending energy on the task in hand, on the Viae around Cicero’s humble abode, have made little progress to date on suturing said Viae. This is getting beyond a joke. Words have been said though as usual these have fallen on deaf ears with the usual cry of the indolent around these parts ‘nothing to do with me, guv, I’m only doing my job’. Shocking.

Now you don’t come here to hear Cicero moan so let’s see what goodies we have in store for you today.

When Cicero was young, and here we mean very young, He was always doing poorly in maths, a talent that still sadly eludes Him. His teacher would keep telling Cicero that He needed to show the workings to get top marks.

‘But why’ Cicero would repeatedly ask,’ am I not getting top marks even though my answer is right?’

‘Because’ replied the teacher, ‘you might just be guessing the answer unless I see how you got there. How else can I tell if your thinking process is right?’

This is nonsense.

No wonder as a nation we are lacking in creativity and imagination if we need to see the working outs all the time. There are some things that just can’t be worked out logically and with process.

Einstein once said, and you can’t get any greater endorsement than Einstein for a wacky idea, “First we make the intuitive leap then we use logic to build a bridge back to where we started.”

Now in Cicero’s school such an approach would only have got you half marks but this is the kind of thinking that breeds not stifles creativity.

In the world created by our schools we're really not that interested in the answer but much more interested in how you got there-if the thinking’s right, the answer must be right.

But that kind of thinking stops us going beyond logic. It stops the creative leap. It assumes logic is the be-all and end-all. The Dyson, the iPad and Google were invented not because of our school system but despite it.

In Cicero’s world of Marketing Luvvies and Marketing Head Honchos ideas are the fuel that gets us through the day. The traditional model says that great ideas should flow from the brief but why can’t the brief be retrospectively altered to suit a great idea.

Normally that would be heresy. Surely the brief is sacrosanct.

But if we look at it another way the brief is the working out in the margin, the process by which we get there, the brake on the creative leap.

At this point traditional Luvvies will be spluttering into their cocktails and designer beer. How will we know if we've got the right answer if it doesn’t fit the working-out in the margin? And what if you got the right answer by the wrong method? Then it can’t be valid. Better to have the wrong answer by the right method.

But consider this. 4% of advertising is remembered positively, 7% is remembered negatively, but a whopping 89% isn’t noticed or remembered. Probably because that 89% all looks the same. And maybe there is a reason for that.

Teachers have a lot to answer for.

Is it only me......but surely it’s now time to hit the road.

The brass neck of some people really does rile me.

It is with a mounting sense of frustration, incredulity and choleric rage that I, along with many other right minded people, have been following the attempts by Basildon Council to evict and move on a bunch of so called travellers who have flagrantly and blatantly broken planning law. For 10 years the Apparatchiks at Basildon Council, the heart of Essex-dom, have fought these people. I am sure that my council would not fight me for 10 years if I had built so much as a shed on my wee plot. I am sure that JCBs and Navvies with picks and shovels would be in before I was able to say ‘Council Tax’.

It goes without saying that Human Rights have been invoked, notwithstanding the Human Rights of those unfortunate to live in the vicinity of this so called peace camp. And it is amazing that even the United Nations has intervened. You would have thought that with its members at war with each other and others demonstrating genocidal tendencies, the UN might have bigger fish to fry.

We also have the claims of some of these people that the camp is full of children, old people and cancer sufferers and that it is so unfair of the Apparatchiks to throw them out onto the roadside, nearly ignoring the inconvenient fact that these Apparatchiks have offered each and every camp dweller a house, which is more than they deserve. We even have camp spokespeople saying stupid things like ‘"But we've got nowhere to go. We don't know what's going to happen to us’’. Poor you. You have had 10 years to get yourself organised.

Now I always like to be constructive in my criticism, always looking to be helpful and to offer some tips and advice. And even though I find the claims and behaviour of these people objectionable, I think it only fair that I still try to help.

If you really have nowhere to go, might I point out that you are a traveller and travellers, well, travel. If you and your chums at the UN are so determined to preserve your way of life as travellers, it might be better if you hit the road now before you lost the art of travelling. I know it might already be too late. After all you have now been static for at least 10 years but since you still claim traveller status and you think this might entitle you to be treated as if you have protected geographical status, like champagne, the Cornish pasty and the Arbroath Smokie, I would suggest you get travelling pronto and save everyone a whole heap of trouble and expense.

Have a great week, travelling or not.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

And what do you do?

Greetings.

Hopefully you have coped well with the lack of musings from Cicero. Now He is back and the waiting for fresh insight and learning is over.

You may have noticed that clearly the Two Caesars, or at least one of them, have been reading our thoughts or conversations. You will recall that for some time now Cicero has been bemoaning the lack of urgency our navvies demonstrate when repairing our roads, well specifically Cicero’s road. Clearly this has struck a chord with our esteemed leaders and therefore while Cicero was away sunning and refreshing Himself, they announce that those digging up our highways and byways will be charged rent for the road. Now why didn’t Cicero think of that! And about time too-for Cicero was aghast to see that on his return from warmer climes, his local via had yet again been dug up and as we speak remains unsutured. This is fast becoming a farce.

Before Cicero left you to fend for yourself intellectually, He was fortunate to attend a dinner with a bunch of Head Honchos and Marketing Grands Fromages. It was mightily interesting with much swapping of business cards and exchanges of promises to get together and to swap business opportunities. Have you ever wondered just how many of these ever come to anything?

But there is one aspect of this ritual that habitually annoys Cicero-the need to have a meaningful and impressive sounding job title before you will be taken seriously.

Now it is Cicero’s custom never to have or use his job title. You will not find it on business cards, e-mail signatures or on letters. No matter the job or the organisation it has long been Cicero’s wont never to have his name associated with a job title unless absolutely necessary.

Indeed Cicero has often said that the only time he uses his job title is when he is writing to or speaking with a customer so that the customer might know that their concern is being taken seriously and is being listened to?

Is Cicero being his usual awkward self just to be contrary (as if!) or is there a point being made here?

Naturally there is a point to be made.

For in Cicero’s world a job title says nothing about you. It is a label that tells people what you are but not who you are and for Cicero the who is always the most important.

For who Cicero is and what he can be, is not defined by some arbitrary corporate job title but is shaped by education, experience and expertise and this is the basis on which Cicero will engage with people.

In many organisations leaders will not deal with people, no matter the potential and ability, simply because they did not have an impressive enough sounding job title. This is wrong with a capital W.

A common complaint from many of the people Cicero has led over the years has been ‘this place is so hierarchical’. No wonder if we judge each other by the label printed on our business cards. Wouldn’t it be better for us all if we learned to judge people by their ability rather than what we called each other?

For many of us, our labels are a status symbol, a badge of honour, which we might be loath to give up. But if we truly want to be seen for who we are rather than what we are; if we are serious about working in a non hierarchical business where the what doesn’t matter; where we don’t obsess and fuss about what we are called, then we need to surrender these baubles.

As someone far brighter than Cicero once said ‘it is your aptitude not your altitude that matters’. Beautifully put. Let us campaign from this point on to put an end to job titles and fancy labels. Do you agree?

Now it might only be me...............but who is my community leader?

You will note that I have refrained from passing any comment whatsoever on the recent outbreaks of madness, looting and violence that have occurred. I thought it wrong to add any more incendiary to an already well inflamed situation. But having held my peace for so long I now want to add my two penny worth.

In much of the reporting reference is frequently made to ‘community leaders’ but who exactly are these people? How do you become a community leader? What experience, skills and qualifications are required to become one of these? How do they get selected? Who pays them? How much do they earn? Any fringe benefits? Do they get a company car? A final salary pension? Health insurance? I think we should know.

Given that these are seen as key people with a considerable amount of influence and great skill whom everyone in any kind of authority wishes to speak with and listen to, I can only surmise that it takes years of education, training and working on the job to become of these privileged members of society.

Now it might only be me but given that I have never met a community leader and as I am not sure even if I have one in my community, I would love to find out more about these shadowy people, especially since the media seem to love them to bits. So if you know any community leaders, and if you know my community leader, we would love to hear from you and to find out a bit more about you, the role and how you got it. Now don’t be shy, you can come out of the closet. And given how important you are to stopping us from imploding, now is the time to stand up and be counted.

We look forward to meeting you.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

The woman on the Clapham omnibus

Greetings.

In case you were wondering, Cicero’s local Via remains dug up and unsutured. This is now getting silly. In the time since this Via was re-dug up Japanese Navvies would have re-built at least a couple of nuclear power stations. And given that yet again no Navvies, Japanese or otherwise, have been seen making an attempt to repair the Via, Cicero can only conclude that this job is being dragged out for as long as our taxes will permit. Hopefully, though doubtfully, the Apparatchik who negotiated this deal did so on a fixed price and not time basis. At least that way we have not given the Navvies a blank cheque. Really cannot understand why progress so snail like.

Cicero as you know is a man of the people and likes to share the everyday experiences of the Vulgate. While on a particularly jerky and bone jarring bus journey recently, with bodies being flung backwards and forwards and from side to side, the woman sitting next to Cicero turned to him and said ‘all bus drivers should travel as a passenger from time to time’.

And it’s not just bus drivers who need to take time out and look at the customer experience from the customer’s viewpoint. How many times do we really think about how customers consume and engage with our brand?

This is the point at which our brand becomes real for our customers and yet few marketing resources get devoted to this aspect of brand management. No doubt because ownership and accountability of the customer journey across many touchpoints is fragmented and scattered across the organisational hierarchy. And so Marketing Head Honchos prefer to stay out of this particular fray.

Somebody smarter than Cicero once pointed out that if everyone is responsible for customer service, no one is accountable. And so in Cicero’s book Marketing Head Honchos cannot duck this responsibility and accountability. They must roll up their sleeves and get dirt under their finger nails. Their brand needs them.

But when it comes to customer journeys which drive the customer experience, where does one start?

There are many customer journeys but most if not all can be mapped onto the following core generic processes:
• Pre-buying research
• Buy and on-boarding
• Post purchase service and maintenance
• Repeat buying
• Ending the relationship

Within each of these generic processes the customer will go through a series of journeys. Think of it like a London Tube Map with each core process represented by a start station and end station with a series of activities or stations along the way.

And at each stage of the customer journey, ask yourself these 7 questions:
• What do we want the customer to do now?
• What does the customer want to do?
• Is there any reason we can’t allow the customer to do this?
• What would make it easy for the customer to get through this stage?
• How can we explain this better to customer?
• What do we want customer to do next?
• Where is it painful for the customer?

Now in the ideal world we would have bucket loads of research to help us determine what the consumer wants from each stage of this process. You might be lucky and have this but more often than not, you won’t. But don’t despair. You are a consumer. You have common sense. Apply it and put yourself in the skin of the customer to determine how it could be improved. At end of day it is about ensuring you are easy to do business with. It’s simple.

It really is about time we saw our business from the customer’s viewpoint. The woman on the juddering and shuddering Clapham omnibus had it so right.

Is it only me.......but I don’t know you from Adam.

Last week I was wandering down the High St of one of our major cities, without a care in the world and for once totally minding my own business, and I was chugged. Not once, not twice but five times in the space of 20 minutes by representatives from three different charitable organisations.
Now for those of you unfamiliar with the term, chugging is when you are set upon by unnaturally friendly and hyper enthusiastic young people who take you hostage with their smiling bonhomie in manic conversation until you have handed over your bank details.

I find it galling and annoying that it is not possible to walk through our shopping thoroughfares these days without being set upon by assorted chuggers, Big Issue vendors and those with a slurred accent and wide staring eyes looking for 20p for a cup of coffee or help with their train fare though where you can get a cup of coffee or a train ticket in these inflationary times for 20p is beyond me. Believe me, our High Streets are rapidly becoming an assault course of outstretched hands to be negotiated.

My usual trick with Chuggers demanding charitable donations with menaces is to engage them in conversation about the aims and objectives of their cause and since most of them are students no doubt working on some kind of commission deal, like used car or double glazing salesmen, rather than being motivated by the cause or issue for which they are seeking to raise money, it is not too long before I have shown up their lack of knowledge about their cause and they decide to target some other hapless victim.
Like the junk mail that pours through our letter boxes or the spam mail offering to grow my body parts to unnaturally large proportions, this kind of approach to marketing and selling must work or they wouldn’t do it, though for the life of me I fail to understand how donation raising with menaces does provide a sustainable income stream but then there are people born every minute.

Now it might only be me but given that I don’t know my Chugger from Adam, or Eve, and given that these Chuggers believe that attacking me with an Eve works on my vanity and ego, I am more likely to get an Eve, why does anyone think that I am going to hand over my bank details to a complete stranger, even though she might look pretty.

Let me assure you that no matter how attractive, obsequiously friendly or enthusiastically manic, my Chugger might be, there is absolutely no way short of water boarding in the High Street, and there is no evidence that this has been tried yet, that my bank details will be prised away from me to support the provision of blind guide dogs to feed starving children in Somalia. I think that was the cause for which I was being chugged.

And finally Cicero will not now be around until September. He is off on a well deserved break and to stock up his reservoir of absurdities and knowledge. Be well and stay good.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

It was the chocs wot won it!

Someone has tried to accuse Cicero of historical inaccuracy. As if.

In last week’s thoughts a certain Mr Perry was linked to British naval stalwarts such as Drake, Raleigh and Nelson, and one correspondent tried to point out that the Perry who opened up Japan was an American naval officer. You are quite right but the Perry who was in Cicero’s thoughts is truly a present day British naval hero, fully deserving to be linked in the same sentence to historical Royal Navy legends.

You are not going to believe this.

You will recall a few weeks back Cicero’s rant (and yes, this was a rant) about length of time it was taking to fix a short stretch of road in his neighbourhood compared to speed at which Japanese Navvies worked. Well the self same bit of tarmac has been ripped up yet again and once more drivers are being inconvenienced by the traffic chaos. This takes publicly funded job creation programmes to a whole new level-dig a trench in the road, take ages to fix, dig it up again and then presumably take another age to fix. You will be kept posted on the latest developments though to Cicero’s untrained eye progress looks like it is going to be slow. To date not one Navvie, Japanese or otherwise, has been spotted working.

Cicero was communing last week with like minded marketing Head Honchos when he heard a great story. It was so good that he wanted to share it with you.

Once upon a time there was a block of offices where some suits worked for a major financial services business, not one owned by us the taxpayer, for the avoidance of doubt. Each evening an army of cleaners moved into this capitalist palace to make it all spick and span for the workers to do their stuff the next day.

Now all of us no doubt have a cleaning service which operates behind the scenes each and every night restoring cleanliness and hygiene to our workplace so we can give of our best in an environment which fully complies with the necessary hygiene standards.

Now how many times do you give a thought to your cleaning service and the cleaners who toil to clean up your mess? It is doubtful if you devote half a brain cell to this topic. You will only notice the cleaners if they are not there or don’t do their job.

Now back to the cleaners in the financial services office.

They knew and realised that they were not noticed or appreciated and they also knew that they were just a commodity which more often than not would be bought on price. And they determined to find a point of difference and so each night they would leave a chocolate on each desk they cleaned.

Now after a while their contract came round for renewal and the bean counting procurement people who bought these kinds of services with the same attention to detail that they bought pens, rubbers and elastic bands, decided not to renew their contract and went instead for a competitor.

There was uproar. Not because the offices were not being cleaned to the required standard but because people missed their chocs. So much uproar in fact that the original cleaning company was re-instated. It was the chocs wot won it!!!!

Now too often you will hear folk, and marketing folk are included in this, saying that they work in a commodity business. This is sloppy thinking. All businesses are commodities if you think of it-Coke is only fizzy brown water, Vodafone is just mobile telecommunications business like any other, Persil just a washing powder and there are plenty of these around. But does anyone want to bet that that they do not see themselves as a commodity?

As the cleaning company has shown with a little bit of creative understanding, any business can make itself distinctive and interesting in its market place. And that is the way to win and keep business.

Now this might only be me......but maybe we should all adopt this mentality.

Normally we end our weekly conversation with me pointing out some of the absurdities of the world in which we live. But now for something completely different. Today I want to leave you with a tale that should inspire you to live every day as if it is going to be your last.

Last week I came across the story of Alex Lewis who was diagnosed at 17 with bone cancer which had spread to his lungs but even while undergoing intensive treatment he was determined to cram as much life as possible into the time he had left. In three years he experienced what some people take a lifetime to achieve, including meeting and marrying the love of his life. He died shortly after his 22nd birthday.

Alex vowed to live each day with as much zest and energy as he could muster. He didn't want his life to be defined by his illness and crammed a lifetime of thrill and adventure into the time he had left. He went parachute jumping in New Zealand, dune buggy riding in Dubai and cliff diving in Cornwall. He took a spur of the moment trip to Australia, booking tickets just two days before he travelled to meet friends there for beach parties.

‘’It makes you realise just how precious life is. Life is actually amazing, but to make the most of every minute you do have to look at everything in a positive way," Alex said. "I'm having almost the time of my life in a way. I mean, imagine if you could feel like I do now, but just for your whole life - that would be incredible because you'd make the most of everything. You'd feel like I'm not wasting time."

Shortly before he died he told his family how incredible his life had been and how he felt like he had a complete life even though it had been cut short.

Now it might only be me but I think that this outlook is something we can all learn from.

Have a great week and hopefully we can all live it to the full.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Twittering on-The sequel

Sorry for absence from these pages last week-leaves on the line and all that. Did you even notice that Cicero was not here?

This week, as trailled when we were last together, we are going to continue to discuss the role of social media in effective brand building. Now you will know from previous discussions that Cicero is not a big fan of sequels but in this case we are hoping to produce another Toy Story 2 and not a Jaws 2 or even 3.

You will recall that when we last came together on these pages we discussed whether or not your brand was suited to appearing on Facebook or Twitter and we argued that only those brands with characteristics that lent themselves to being talked about should seek to acquire Twitter followers and Facebook friends. And given the number of brands out there trying to use social media but who are there in name only and just about clinging on, it would seem that that there are many brands using social media only because it is the latest bandwagon rather than really truly understanding how to use these new platforms for real marketing benefit.

But even if you have agreed that your brand fits the criteria of a talked about brand, please ask yourself these questions before jumping on the bandwagon. You can be assured that failure to ask and answer these questions can have serious consequences for your brand-at best you will look like you have no friends, a real Billy No Mate of a brand, but at worse those who are following you will be stabbing you in the back. Do you really want that?

And so the first question to ask, are you willing to engage in a public dialogue with your friends and followers? Think about it-up to now your communications with customers and prospects has been monologue but these new channels are designed to allow dialogue. This can be troubling for some.

A while back reporters on the Washington Post, the journal that gave a new word to the English language, ‘Watergate’, were banned from using Twitter accounts (personal or Post branded) to speak on behalf of the company, on this basis:

‘......when we write a story, our readers are free to respond and we provide them a venue to do so...... but once we enter a debate personally through social media, this would be equivalent to allowing a reader to write a letter to the editor–and then publishing a rebuttal by the reporter. It’s something we don’t do.’

And so we have an organisation, a great brand to boot, more than happy to embrace social media to promote content, but not so much when it comes to engaging and using the medium as intended. In other words they were using a dialogue medium with a monologue mindset.

Is your business like that? What kind of mindset do you have in your business?

Secondly, is your business geared up to engage in dialogue in real time? You might have the will to do so but do you have the capability? Too often there are businesses out there who either do not want to deal with customers by e-mail or when they do, promise to reply with something like 5 working days. You cannot do this with social media. You need to dedicate resources, and empowered resources at that, to monitor what is being said to you and about you, and to be able to respond in real time.

And thirdly, can you produce enough interesting, engaging and relevant content to keep your twitterati followers and friends satisfied? These media are content hungry and if you want your brand to offer something of value to customers and prospects alike, you need to be able to provide a constant stream of content. Go on Facebook or even visit some company websites and see when last updated. Out of date or non current material highlights that you don’t care. It’s like a shop with a broken light bulb.

Yes social media can be a great force for good for brand and can demonstrate modernity, trust and a willingness to engage but if you are going to put yourself on Facebook or Twitter, please get it right. Get it wrong and your brand will end up damaged. And there is no greater crime.

Is it only me..........but I doubt Nelson would have turned a blind eye to this.

Last week it was reported that a Navy medic had been court-martialled because he did not want to carry a gun and learn how to shoot it on ‘moral grounds’. I think he must have got his application forms mixed up and he thought he was joining the Boy Scouts rather than the Royal Navy.

What did he think was going to happen when he joined the Royal Navy? Maybe he just didn’t realise that the ships of Drake, Raleigh and Nelson were part of our Armed Forces. Look closely and you will see the word ‘Armed’, Mr Jack Tar. Is that not a bit of a hint to you? Or did you just think that it was for people with arms? And what did you think the great big metal tubes stuck onto that big grey boat where you slung your hammock, were for? Balance.

Now I can accept that you might not want to fight on ‘moral grounds’ and I take my hat off to anyone who refuses to fight for king and country on moral grounds but what you don’t do, if those are your sincerely held views, is join one of our Armed Forces. (There we go again, it is so obvious you can’t help mentioning it.)

Presumably if you take this stance and join an institution like the Royal Navy you don’t think it immoral for someone else to carry arms to cover your backside. And when we say arms here we mean the kind that can shoot ordnance over vast distances. Not the kind that contain fingers.

Now maybe it’s just me but when the likes of Drake, Raleigh, Nelson and Perry signed up, they did so in the full knowledge that at some point they might be required to fight. Indeed, for some of the aforementioned, fighting Johnny Foreigner was exactly why they signed up. It is surely not too much to ask that today’s successors to the aforementioned make at least some attempt to follow their lead.

As a taxpayer I pay for 24x7 armed guard security coverage so that I can go to my bed knowing that when I wake up this will still be a green and pleasant land where we, Britons, will never ever be slaves. I don’t want those providing the levels of security I pay for being able to pick and choose which enemy they are going to fight or even if they will turn up for duty looking armed and dangerous. You joined up, deal with it or quit and join the RAC.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Twittering on

It seems that last weeks’ musings almost got too much for one devoted reader. Difficult to believe that Cicero’s words of wit and wisdom might have brought a tear to someone’s eyes. Another first for Cicero though it was probably grit.

It is unlikely that this week’s thoughts will provoke a similar emotional response but we will see.

In today’s world it seems that every business and every brand has or wants its own Facebook site, its own Twitter account, and almost on a daily basis Cicero is asked his thoughts on the relevance of these new media applications. This is of course rather strange given the generation to which Cicero belongs but I suppose it is a testament to the marketing genius of the Man that his advice is sought on a wide manner of marketing issues.

But should all brands have a Facebook site and tweet?

Now on the one hand Cicero would advise that for brands to be seen as modern and up to date being au fait with today’s manner of communications would help signify this. And it could be argued, as some have done, that by not employing these customer communication and engagement tools your brand might somehow be seen as untrustworthy and unwilling to talk directly to its customers.

But before we all get carried away and jump on this particular bandwagon Cicero would advise more considered thought. After all getting it wrong could be even more brand damaging.

It is clear from a cursory view of the social media horizon that some brands are better at brand building through social media than others, if the number of Facebook Friends and Twitter Followers some brands have is anything to go by and the level of engagement these Friends and Followers have with the brand.

But Cicero would contend that those brands which are successful on these media are those which offer extraordinary functional benefits, or where the brand offers fabulous social benefit such as charities or a cause, or where the brand is a powerful expression of self. In other words me too brands are unlikely to cut it and maybe only brands whose offering is truly innovative and differentiated should think about using social media to leverage innovative and differentiation.

To better understand this, walk down your High St and consider the brands on offer there, assuming of course they have not yet shut down. How many of these would you like to follow on Facebook or Twitter? How many of these would you like to engage in conversation with?

When Cicero was a young pup and long before anyone had even thought of something like Twitter, a very clever man identified four reasons for people to talk about brands. The first is because of product-involvement: the experience is so novel and pleasurable that it must be shared. The second is self-involvement: sharing knowledge or opinions is a way to gain attention, show connoisseurship, feel like a pioneer, have inside information, seek confirmation of a person's own judgment, or assert superiority. The third is other-involvement: the speaker wants to reach out and help to express neighbourliness, caring, and friendship. The fourth is message-involvement:the message is so humorous or informative that it deserves sharing.

Now these findings may come from a different era but Cicero fancies they might still apply to today’s brands.

And so before you start to twitter on, do you really know what kind of brand you might have? Does your brand fill any of the criteria above?

And next week Cicero will consider what your brand must do to make your twittering on effective. Don’t miss it.

Is it only me...............but why can’t people leave well alone.

Last week I bought a new mobile phone. My old one had been dropped on its head too many times and for reasons that no one could explain, some chip or other had got busted so that when the phone was in use, I could no longer hear the party at the other end of the call. And let me tell you that is a huge disadvantage in a phone given that it makes two way conversations a tad difficult.

And so I went looking for a new phone.

My requirements are simple-I want a phone to make and receive calls and I want a phone through which I might send the occasional text that friends and acquaintances might know that I am still alive. I do not want a camera, I do not want it to play music, I do not want to watch my favourite TV programmes on it and nor do I want it make me a cup of tea in the morning.

Do you know how difficult it is to find a phone that it is just a phone?

And then when you do find a phone that seems to meet even the most basic of requirements and you get it home and take it from the box, to use the instrument you have to learn a whole new language as the Graphical User Interface, or GUI for short (I can tell you impressed by that one) has changed out of all recognition in the name of ‘progress’. So far I have missed 5 calls because I can’t find the answer button.

Now this might only be me but why can’t technological companies leave well alone. Not all of us are digital natives, many of us of a certain age, and there are a lot of us out there as the pension and welfare industry are about to find out, are immigrants to this world.

Our needs are simple, basic and straightforward. We want a phone that is a phone. End of. And we want the buttons, GUIs and layout standardised. Life is too short for us to waste it learning new languages every time we buy a new phone. Hope you are all listening. Or should I send a text.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

The hills are alive

Cicero feels that he must take up a few words to respond to the comment last week from Anonymous.

Firstly you will surely agree that Cicero does not ‘ramble’ on the NHS or on any other topic. We like to think that Cicero with forensic precision picks apart the nonsenses of today’s world.

And secondly he does not understand why Anonymous thinks that Cicero will ‘stew and no doubt get quite argumentative’ over the revelation that one hospital Trust is to partner with John Lewis to deliver customer service training and marketing skills. Indeed Cicero applauds the realisation that the hospital requires customer service skills and that John Lewis, a fine brand, is to be the chosen partner.

Cicero does however question the waste of public funds on marketing skills. Given that the NHS is a bloated and inefficient monopoly, to whom does it feel it needs to market itself? If Cicero could make one suggestion-focus on investing in the quality of the product and that includes reducing waiting times, and you will not need a brochure or an ad to market yourself. No doubt you have a Marketing Director and all the cost that entails. Why?

Now Cicero is getting stewed up and argumentative. Time for a lie down and change of subject.

A few weeks back Cicero had the pleasure of walking up some of the finest hills in Wales for the weekend with some of the nicest guys you could ever hope to meet. We added the last bit lest any of them might be joining us here for the week.

It was a miserable trek, even though the company was splendiferous. The weather was wet and windy and the hills steep. It was not long before Cicero’s merry band was damp and water logged but with great determination they resolved to get to the top. And they did. It was a triumph of mind over matter and of ignoring the discomfort, the dampness, the wind, the cold, the shortness of breath, the tightening of muscle, the straining of sinew...............

Now Cicero, as many of you will know, is not the fittest lion in the pack but what he lacks in fitness he more than makes up in intelligence and leadership. On this occasion he was surpassed and in the process he learnt a vital lesson in leadership which maximised the efficiency and effectiveness of the team and ensured that all hit the top of the mountain together.

Please don’t get the impression that Cicero was scaling Everest or K2 or even a mount of the calibre of a Ben Nevis but it was still a steep mound that had to be scaled.

And as we neared the summit with about 300 metres to go and with the wind resistance increasing as the gradient steepened, some of the party were beginning to find the going tough and breaths were getting shorter and shorter. This was the point leadership took over. And the solution was simple.

Without discussion, a meeting or a agreement, The Wee Man took over and organised the party telling them that he would go ahead for 50 metres and when he stopped the next man would follow up the hill and so on and so on until we had all got to the same point when the process would be repeated for the next 50 metres. In this way the team made progress and all got a suitable rest and recovery period to catch breaths. And so as a result of this inspired leadership, the team reached the top.

And this is this week’s learning.

If we all work as a team we can all complete the task in hand, even the weakest members of the team can play their part. It is not that you go at the pace of the slowest but you organise the resources around you in such a way that the weaker members of the team can play their part and make a contribution. All it requires is someone to step up to the plate, like The Wee Man, and to organise solutions that will get everyone there.

And when that happens, all in the team can get to enjoy the view.

Is it only me.....but what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Over the course of the past week we have had the unedifying spectacle of the Two Caesars trying to appease public sector workers before they went on strike. I am glad they failed to avert the walk outs.

And in passing I wish the media would stop characterising the dispute as between the government and the unions-it is between the taxpayer and the unions for in my book the government is merely the representative of the taxpayer in this instance.

And before I get deluged with whines from Apparatchiks pointing out that they too are taxpayers might they be reminded that they pay their taxes from taxes paid by the rest of the taxpaying community. All they are doing is re-cycling the cash.

Now as I understand it the reason the unions have decided to take on the taxpayers is because they resent having to pay more for their pensions, they do not want to work longer before they get their pension and for reasons that escape me they want us, the taxpayer, to continue to underwrite their pension liabilities so they can enjoy a comfortable retirement.

Really? It’s time for them all to wake up and smell the coffee.

No it might only be me but surely what is sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander and it is time for the Apparatchiks and their union bosses to realise that those of us struggling every day to create value to generate taxes to fund their lifestyles, realised years ago that we would have to pay more for our pensions, work longer and retire with less. It’s to do with demographics, our longevity and falling stock market returns in a low interest rate environment as much as the need to save money.

Maybe an Apparatchik or two out there might like to explain why the rest of us should be paying for someone else to get a better standard of retirement living than we can get.

Let them strike, I say. There is no negotiation to be had with this taxpayer. It’s now time for the Apparatchiks and their union bosses to get real and to join the world the rest of us have been in for a while now.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Monkey business

In case you were wondering the road is now mended and being used as a road once again. And in record time too. Maybe someone of influence and import has been reading these words and took the hint that Japanese Navvies whould be employed to replace those from this scept’red isle.

Now the 6 words that Cicero never ever wants anyone to hear are ‘that’s just the way it is’.

Firstly that is an excuse for an intelligent explanation as to why things are. And secondly it is just the way it is because that is how we let it be. It is not a law of nature that some things cannot be changed if it is in the interests of good customer service or a more effective and efficient business.

But Cicero constantly hears this refrain from colleagues unwilling or unable to question and change the way things are done; from front line operatives in businesses Cicero graces with his custom who are too indolent or disempowered to do anything about it; from other citizens who accept shoddy service because...well just because that is the way it is.

Cicero screams at this passivity, apathy, acceptance.

Last week Cicero met a truly amazing man. And if you are of a certain age you too will know of him because for a while he hit and remained in the news headlines. The tale he told was not about him however and so for the purposes of these words of wit and wisdom, he will remain in the background.

He told me the story of five monkeys which might help explain why that is just the way it is.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. You will also need a banana, a hosepipe and a substantial supply of very cold water. Place half the monkeys in the cage, along with the banana, but make sure the banana requires some effort for the monkeys to obtain.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and at the top of a pole. Before long, a monkey will go to the pole and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the pole, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result: all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the pole, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the pole. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the pole, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the pole and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the pole, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the pole or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the pole to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

If you always do what you’ve always done: you’ll always get what you’ve always got! New uncertainties require new solutions and sometimes we have to unlearn as well as learn to find new solutions. And that is monkey business!

Is it only me....but this is truly hair raising.

Sometimes I see, read or hear stuff in the media that makes me really despair for the future of this country and to scream out ‘NO! I DONT BELIEVE IT’. For no matter what those of us who are right minded try to do there is always some influential Guardianista-type acting as a common sense preventer.

So what is this week’s the-world’s-gone-mad incident?

Now we all know that the schools are in this country are a mess. With their increasing emphasis as a tool for social engineering and for ensuring that we dumb down to ensure that the lazy, the thick and the couldn’t-care-less are given the same opportunities as those who are bright, interested and engaged, it is no wonder that we are failing to turn out kids who can read, write, add up and know their Latin.

In the same week as the Two Caesars together with their little helpers talk about raising standards and addressing the problems of failing schools at primary and secondary level, their efforts and those of the good teachers who day in, day out seek to inspire their charges, are undermined by Guardianista-made law as interpreted by Guardianista-judges.

As all good schools and right thinking parents know, good discipline underpins a good education which is why those put in charge of failing schools know that enforcing good discipline and uniform codes is a must.

And yet what happen when a school tries to enforce its code on hair styles, and in particular the use of corn braiding which is said to be associated with gang culture, and when its headmaster insists on "a traditional schoolboy haircut"? It runs foul of some Guardianista attitude.

Firstly the family claim it's part of his cultural identity and then incredulously this attitude is supported by the courts who deem the policy racist.
We should all give up now.

Now it might only be me but if we are going to give headmasters and our teachers accountability and responsibility for improving the educational welfare of our kids, and boy is this needed, then all branches of society must support and back them. Even the Guardian. A ‘traditional schoolboy hair cut’ never did me any harm.

Have a great week

Et sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

A geology lesson

Do you think Cicero should start to tweet? Thought it might help keep you in touch with his musings and with each other. What do you think?

As pointed out here a few weeks back when telling you about the tear in our local road, it is a source of constant amazement how long it takes us to get things done in this green and pleasant land, especially when anyone connected to the State is involved. But fair's fair, even though the Japanese would have built a high speed railway in time taken to repair this tear, our road has at last been sutured. Well done to all concerned.

Only one teensy weensy problem now-flushed with the success of repairing one one hundred yard stretch of tarmac, our Navvies have now moved up the road a wee bit and are now repeating their exercise of painfully slow inactivity. We are now promised another 6 weeks of traffic disruption. Are there no Japanese Navvies going spare?
We will keep you posted on this, in event you might be interested.

Well it would seem that Cicero’s comment last week that family and health more important than work caused a wee storm. Really don’t understand why that might be.

One colleague approached Cicero during the course of the past few days puzzled that he had allowed his Acolyte to leave his post so easily.

‘Let me tell you a story, my dear, ‘said Cicero (for colleague was a Distaff), ‘that was once told me that might help explain better.

‘One day a philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large jar and proceeded to fill it with some rocks, about 2" in diameter.

‘He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

‘So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.

‘He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

‘The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

‘He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "Yes."’

‘"Now," said the professor, "Think that the jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children -- things that if everything else were lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter - like your job, your house, your car...The sand is everything else. The small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your partner out for a meal. There will always be time to go to work and do all the other stuff.’’

‘Now’, said Cicero to his Distaff colleague, ‘do you understand why I said what I said and did what I did? In my book it is imperative that you take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

‘I get it’, said Cicero’s colleague, ‘wandering off to sort out the rocks and pebbles in her life’.

Now you might think that that is where the story ends. You would be wrong. For there is another, and equally helpful way to look at the rocks, pebbles and sand.

From time to time many of us will have a problem with prioritisation, not just of things personal but also in our work.

Now see the rocks as representing our most important activities in our in tray, the pebbles our less meaningful activities and the sand just the chaff.

Most of us focus our attention on the small things in life, the sand and pebbles. But if you fill up the jar with the pebbles and the sand there is no room for the rocks, those tasks that really matter, the tasks that will really drive our businesses forward.

To get the most of our time in the office the lessons are clear-put the big rocks into the empty jar first and then the pebbles and finally the sand and all three materials fit inside the jar. It is the only way it works.

You can learn so much from geology these days.

Is it only me.............but this doesn’t add up.

The other day I was in a well known High St Emporium buying some treats. The kid manning the till did as all kids in these places do-she swiped my treats to calculate how much I owed her. The bill came to £6.14. I can be very abstemious when buying treats.

It was my mistake. I handed over £10 and in an instant the machine the kid was operating had calculated the change.

But not wanting my pockets bulging with all sorts of coppers and other small bawbees thereby ruining the line of my toga and to make things easier for the kid, I handed over an additional 14p so that she might just return me four shiny bronze coins.

It was like I had asked the kid to calculate pi to 29 decimal places.

I kid ye not but the kid did not have the brain cells to calculate in her head how much she now owed me. ‘I have it rung up now’ was the answer and no amount of patient reasoning would encourage the kid to forsake the machine and to calculate the change for herself.

Now it might only be me but just what are they teaching children in today’s schools?

Clearly it is not the basics of addition, subtraction, multiplication and division without the aid of a calculator. It is staggering that we are sending kids out into the world of work when their brains cannot fend for themselves without electronic aids. And these are the ones in work, God knows what the ones not in work are not capable of doing.

Might I suggest that if our education establishments are so incapable of teaching our kids to calculate change correctly, and it is shocking that they are not taught to do this, that our retailers give them some basic lessons in arithmetic. Taxi drivers have to pass ‘The Knowledge’ so why can’t our in-store kids be made to do something similar before they get to serve the Public.

Just a thought but it seems to me to add up.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

The ripple effect

Salvete.

It is always interesting to note how you respond to these words of wit and wisdom and that is why using the comment facility is always very helpful and interesting. Good to know what you like, what you don’t and what generates shrieks of howls and outrage.

And it is very noteworthy that the words that generate the most ire and angst are those thoughts which follow ‘is it only me.........’ Does anyone ever read Cicero’s thoughts on how to do better marketing, how to be a better leader and how to run a better business? Maybe you just agree with every word that is written and lap up Cicero’s philosophies like a cat lapping the cream.

No matter we will persevere with our thoughts on all matters interesting and hope that these continue to float your educational and entertainment boat.

And to last week’s Anonymouses,or should that be Anonymice, your comments are so wrong on so many levels but as always we defend your right to say it.

During the week Cicero was accosted by a young Acolyte whom he now mentors, guides and teaches in the rural idyll where he now works.

‘Cicero, I am sorry to have to do this but I urgently need some time off to tend to the sickness needs of one who is dear to me. I hope that will be ok with you. I may need to be away from the office for a few weeks and I know how busy we are and how much this will drop you in it but there really is nothing I can do.’

‘Never fear’, said Cicero with a kindly twinkle in his eye, ‘but your health and the needs of friends and family are always more important than our work. We will manage. I will see to it that we will. As a leader it is my job to make sure our people here are properly supported’.

‘Are you sure you can manage?’ asked the Acolyte.

‘Listen carefully now and you will learn how adaptable we can all be if we all try.

‘People said Man United would not withstand the loss of Van Nistelroy or Roy Keane or David Beckham or Ronaldo. Sure the loss of these great players rocked the team back for a wee while but they got over it and now they say Ronald who?

‘Now I want you to imagine a bucket of water. Now think of you submerging your hand in the water. Now quickly and suddenly remove your hand and watch what happens.

‘When you do this for a wee while the water is rippled and rough but it will soon calm down and it will be as if your hand was never in it.

‘Teams and organisations are exactly the same.

‘It will be difficult for us to manage for a wee while and it will be disruptive but somehow we will find a way will dealing with it. We will have to.’

‘So you are saying that I am not important and what I do is irrelevant’, said the Acolyte.

‘I am not saying that at all. You are important and you are doing a great job which we all value and respect but no one, not even Cicero, difficult as that might be to believe, is irreplaceable. People leave, fall sick, move on, and some of us even take holidays, and while each of these events is disruptive, it is our job as leaders to ensure the organisation returns to normal as soon as possible and continues.

‘Now off you go, my child, and tend to your own people. I will work things out here’.

And with that Cicero’s Acolyte left and Cicero swiftly moved to the calm waters for the rest of the team, for the business and for its customers.

Is it only me...but would anyone notice?

You may have seen the news that this week that Harry Harperson’s favourite people, The Equality and Human Rights Commission, went on strike for an hour in protest at planned job cuts. No doubt they would also like Harry Harperson and other nanny interventionists back in power. Well they’re not so get over it.

Did you even know that they had been on strike?

Union representatives also expressed a concern that the cuts could move the agency away from helping the individual and ‘were aimed at turning the body into a think tank’. In other words they would lose their interfering and nannying role. Good, I say.

You know I actually went onto their website. I thought I should not condemn unless I know what I am talking about. And among the piffle were such gems as ‘ A Map of Gaps’, a 700 page Triennial Review entitled ‘How Fair is Britain’ (there is also a similar study for Wales because clearly that is not part of Britain), and ‘Gypsies and Travellers-how to live together’. I kid ye not. Does anyone’s life feel poorer for not having read these riveting reads?

Could I just point out that the 60s and 70s were the last and probably the only truly meritocratic period in our history. A time when people who had not gone to public school and/or to Oxbridge could make it to the top of the greasy pole. And these people did it without Apparatchiks and Quangocrats a plenty to help them. They got there because they had drive, ambition and intelligence. Today we are no doubt spending a fortune on said Quanagocrats and we are less equal and less meritocratic than ever.

Doh, it does not take a genius to work that one out.

Now as usual it might only be me but who do you think would notice if this bunch of Quangocrats went on strike? It’s not like that this body of Apparatchiks empty our bins or dig up our roads, and speaking of which my road remains an open sore, or any other essential service? Indeed maybe these Quangocrats are the least useful across our Public Sector? Is this not the most pointless strike ever in the history of industrial relations in this country....and that is saying something. It beats me what the union barons were thinking about when they decided that the comrades and comradesses who work at the EHRC should down tools and walk out.

No their role is to boss us around, to interfere and try to make us all pc. Can anyone other than the Guardianistas and Polly Townbee, name one useful and constructive thing that this body has ever done for people other than prisoners, criminals or immigrants who are always first in line to claim an infringement to their human rights? We have laws to ensure equality and human rights. And we have courts to enforce these rights. Why do we need a quango on top of this?

Sorry I forgot there is one person who would notice they are on strike-my apologies,
Harry.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Carrots, sticks and chocolates

Greetings.

Hopefully you have enjoyed the last of our Bank Holidays, at least for a wee while. Seems like April and May have been one long holiday. Now maybe we can get back to wealth creating before the summer beaches beckon.

For those of you still wondering-yep, we still have a hole in our High St with no signs of a suture being imminent. Ye Gods, the Japanese have re-built not just a motorway but their entire country in the time these taxpayer-funded Navvies have taken.

And the big question of the week-did you get your Olympic tickets?

As you know Cicero is a big fan of brands which ruthlessly demonstrate great customer service. And if you have ever been in his proximity when he has experienced brand-destroying bad customer service, you will immediately get a sense of his attitude towards poor customer service. It is not pretty and his feelings can be measured on the Richter scale.

Now you may not know this but Cicero is also a big fan of gowf, or golf as it is now known in these parts.

And a few weeks back Cicero’s aged amicus with whom he traverses the fairways was experiencing trouble with the machine with which he transports his golf implements around the course. In short, it was broken. Something to do with wheel bearings which as you know is a bit of a mystery to Cicero.

Cicero’s amicus dropped an e-mail to the manufacturer of said machine and within two days he was sent a replacement part, free of charge. No quibbling. No attempting to wriggle out. No charge. Brilliant. Cicero and his amicus were well and truly amazed.

That is what you call great customer service and it was all the better for being a complete surprise.

Cicero was musing on this experience when he read an article by one almost as learned as Cicero who was describing his experience with a boot manufacturer, Shipton and Heneage. It is entirely possible that you will not have heard of them but you can learn lots from them. Cicero hadn't and did.

For a start the marketing copy on their website is brilliant. It has real personality and conveys a great sense of what the brand is about, its heritage and its pedigree. It might only make and sell boots but this company knows a lot about the kind of brand it wants to be and delivers this in spades.

But the brand really got going when the boots arrived for it contained more than boots. For inside the box were two pairs of socks and a shoe brush. Another brand which seeks to quietly delight its customers. And what a great way to welcome you to the brand.

For many other businesses at this point, when you have handed over your sesterces, you stop being a prospect and become a customer and this is the point when all niceties go out of the window. It is almost like ‘now you have joined us we can stop trying’. Imagine that. Do you know anyone who behaves like that? But this is not the Shipton and Heneage way, obviously.

Someone once told Cicero that brands can motivate customers in three ways-by giving you a carrot to reward your behaviour; by applying the stick to make you lose out if you don’t act; or to offer a chocolate as a pleasant surprise for responding.

Providing chocolate is the most unusual type of incentive but it will get your brand talked about. And can you imagine any of the big service brands with whom we interact every day of every week behaved in a way we weren’t expecting? Nope. Quelle surprise.

So what kind of brand do you want to be known as-a carrot, stick or chocolate brand? If you go for chocolate, your brand can become very distinctive. And talked about.

Is it only me.........but this is becoming like ‘Carry On, doctor’.

I have been following with keen interest and mounting exasperation the debate around the future of the NHS. Have you?

Now it seems that many out there, supposedly speaking on our behalf, which is code for protecting their own vested interests, are getting their Jockeys in a knot because the Two Caesars (or at least one of them) is supposedly keen on introducing competition and the private sector into the NHS.

What is wrong with that?

Why exactly is competition such a hated word in the lexicon of the NHS? I know that NHS employees are State Apparatchiks but some of them are quite well educated and so should surely see the merits of competition. Are they so afraid of competition that they fear for their jobs? It might be worth pointing out that where there is no competition you end up with Sepp Blatter and FIFA. Do we really want that for the NHS? I think not.

And what is wrong with the introduction of the private sector into the NHS? One argument put forward by the Defenders of the Vested Interest is that the introduction of the private sector means money leaving the NHS. Now let me point one thing out and this might come as a shock to those of you of a more statist dirigiste persuasion-money leaves the NHS and flows to the private sector every minute of every day. Have you got over that shock of that yet?

Drug companies? Private sector. The people who run the computer systems? Private sector. Manufacturers of X ray equipment, CRT scanning equipment, bandages and elastoplasts? Private sector.

And there is good reason for this-it keeps cost down.

Now it might only be me but in my book the NHS only has to deliver against three key principles-it keeps us healthy; it does this at lowest possible cost; and it is free at point of delivery. End of. And if that means it has to use the private sector and introduce competition so be it.

And may I suggest that no one really cares unless of course you are an NHS Apparatchik who fears they won’t be able to stand the heat but is reluctant to leave the kitchen.

So my message to the Two Caesars-just get on with sorting out the NHS, it needs it. The time for listening and pandering to the Vested Interest Groups is over. We elected you to lead, so lead.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Do you know who I am?

Hello.

Have you all gone to sleep? Only asking, given lack of comment being left below these words of wisdom over past few weeks. Maybe we are not being provocative enough. Hopefully this week’s dose of enlightenment will change that.

Now as you know Cicero hates shopping and loathes shops with all the zealotry of a Taliban fundamentalist. But of course Cicero has to shop. He could not possibly be seen about town in last year’s toga and sandals.

To get round this wee problem he has taken to buying stuff from the World Wide Web. God bless, Tim Berners-Lee.

And in the interests of research of course so that Cicero might better advise Marketing Grand Fromages, he has in recent weeks been signing up with a variety of retailers so that they might keep him up to date with all the latest news from the fashion catwalks.

You will as fashion aficionados yourself be familiar with how this process works. You hand over a few bits of information about yourself so that the retailer in theory is able to send you information and offers relevant to you. And the more relevant the offer, the more likely you are to buy. It is really quite simple.
And yet Cicero cannot believe how so many retailers can get it so wrong. And when they get it wrong they undermine their brand, lose sales opportunities and increase the likelihood that any emails received will go from in-box to trash can without even touching the sides.

To give you one example.

A major retailer whose name rhymes with ‘text’ and who despite collecting enough information on me at the outset, have and continue to send me details of the latest fashions and fabrics......for women. Now they might know something that many of you may also think but it can be confirmed that Cicero has not, nor ever will have, any interest whatsoever in fashions for Distaffs. And should anyone think or know otherwise, beware the Super Injunction. It baffles that they should make an error of this magnitude but other cases are known of similar careless unthinking errors from these guys.

And then this week Cicero got an e-mail from another purveyor of togas and sandals. Talk about chalk and cheese. This was good.

It came from the owner of the business, not a faceless company apparatchik. It felt really 1-1. He even knew Cicero was a man. And this man’s passion and enthusiasm for his brand really shone from the page. Why can’t all brands behave in this way?

Cicero was thanked for being a customer. He was ‘delighted to have me as a customer’. He even described Cicero as ‘fantastic’ and as ‘one of their best customers’. Wow!

As a result he made this aged customer feel really special. And so you can bet your last sesterces that Cicero would buy from this man again. See, genuine customer engagement programmes really do have the power to work.

Effective customer engagement marketing is so simple-just show you recognise, know and understand me. Why do some businesses keep getting it so wrong? Even Abba understood this-it is all about ‘knowing me, knowing you’. Sorry couldn’t resist.

Is it only me..............but the earth isn’t moving for me.

Near to where I live, at a busy road junction, there are some road works which has meant that the traffic has needed to be controlled by temporary lights. And the result is chaos.

Now not being of Irish extraction I have no idea why the road is being dug up but the Council trained Navvies have dug up a foot wide trench for about 50 yards. To my untrained eye it is my guess that they are putting in some new pipes. They have been doing this for about 3 weeks now and given that their wee trench is still open to the elements, again I would surmise that we are still a wee while away from the wound in the road being sown up, sutured and traffic once again allowed to flow as nature intended.

In the meantime I am baffled why such a small tear in the highway has taken so long to be repaired. Of course, silly me, this is a State run project, why should I expect this to be done with anything other than great inefficiency and great disruption to the public such people are supposed to serve?

But consider this.

A few weeks back Japan was hit by a massive earthquake and tsunami causing untold disruption and mayhem, death and destruction. Far more than caused by the digging up of my local High St. And yet there they managed to have a 25 mile stretch of ripped up, torn up and seriously rippled motorway back up and running with Hondas, Toyotas and Nissans moving along it smoothly within 2 weeks. Let me repeat that-the Japanese restored to full working order a severely destroyed 25 mile stretch of motorway within 14 days. And they did this at the same time as nuclear power plants were threatening to do a Hiroshima; when much of their infrastructure was in tatters; and when the rice and sushi was unable to get to the shops for the road diggers packed lunches.

Now it might only be me but surely we have every right to expect that our Council Navvies should be able to replace and repair a 50 yard slit trench a lot quicker than the 3 weeks taken so far. Indeed if my maths are correct if they were Japanese the slit trench would have been dug up and repaired before lunch on the first day.

But then of course such working practices would put Council Navvies out of a job and we couldn’t have that, could we? Would that not infringe their human right of a job for life?

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Mini financial crisis

Salve.

If you came here last Friday expecting to read Cicero’s latest dose of wit and wisdom, you will have been disappointed. Apologies if that was you but Cicero was once again taking a wee break to ensure he was sano in corpore as well as sano in mente. It is good of you to persevere to get your weekly fix. Hopefully you will find the wait worthwhile.

And while he was away Cicero came across this interesting story which he feels many should read and take on board.

Many years ago a very clever designer called Alec Issigonis designed the world’s first smart car. It was called the Mini and for its time it was truly revolutionary. For the first time ever a miniature vehicle that was a genuine car.

First he put the engine in sideways. This saved masses of space under the bonnet. It didn’t need any transmission-whatever that might be. Then he used sliding windows instead of the wind-down kind. This saved lots of space on the width of the doors. He used smaller wheels to save on height.

He left the welds on the outside, to save on manufacturing costs. It was the smallest-ever genuine four-seater car.

And, fifty years on, it’s considered the most influential car of the 20th century.

In 1959, Issigonis showed the original designs to the head of the British Motor Corporation, Leonard Lord who asked “How much will it cost?” Issigonis said “I don’t know. I’m a designer not a production engineer.” Lord said “The Ford Anglia is selling for £600. I want this priced at under £500.”

So that’s what they did.

The Mini sold for £470.It was a massive hit worldwide. It even beat every car in the world to win the Monte Carlo Rally. Not once, but four years running.

Everyone fell in love with it.

In a really smart marketing move, Minis were given to stylish celebrities like Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Peter Sellers. So they’d be seen in newspaper photographs getting out of them.

It became a truly classless icon. Today it would have its own Twitter and Facebook site and surely even a super-injunction, this year’s must have accessory.

Ford, who made the competitive Anglia, was mystified. How could BMC sell it so cheaply?

So the engineers at Ford got hold of a Mini. They stripped it down. Every nut and bolt, every weld and clip. They found it was well built. They reported that it would cost Ford £35 more per car to build than BMC were selling it at. And Ford was a much more efficient carmaker than BMC. So BMC had to be losing between £50 and £100 on every Mini they sold.

Years later, when the BMC management were asked about this they shrugged their shoulders.

So what? They were a state-owned company, everything was subsidised. This means it was paid for by the taxpayers of the time. Good to know that State employees in these olden days had the same attitude as today’s Apparatchiks. But they had a runaway success on their hands. So successful that they eventually sold 5 million Minis, worldwide.

What was the problem?

Well, actually, that was the problem. They sold 5 million cars at a loss of at least £50 each.

That adds up to a loss of over £250,000,000. Not a smart way to run a company. Even Cicero can see that and he knows nothing about cars.

Which is probably why BMC doesn’t exist anymore.And Ford does. And why it is never sensible for State Apparatchiks to run anything remotely like a business.

Chasing volume, increased sales, is a kneejerk reaction for marketers. But it’s not always a sensible route to go. Selling something cheaper usually means more people will buy it. But it might make more sense to put the price up and sell less. At the time BMC went out of business they were only making £5 profit on ever car sold. At the same time Mercedes were making around £1,000 profit on every car sold. For BMC to make the same profit as Mercedes, they would need to sell 200 times as many cars.
And that was never going to happen.

In the case of the Mini someone didn’t do their job. That’s why I think it always makes sense to question a brief or an instruction. It is never the right thing to blindly accept it or do what you are told because someone with the right job title gives it to you. Anything worthwhile should stand up to scrutiny by common sense. And common sense is available to everyone. But then we also know that sense is never common.

Is it only me.......but we don’t all have 20:20 vision.

Now over the years I have spent many nights in hotels. Big ones, small ones, some nice, some not so nice. But over the years taking a shower has become increasingly difficult. Sadly this is an age related-affliction.

Firstly showers don’t all work in the same way and it would be very helpful if there was an ISO standard to regulate how showers work. Often you are confronted with a multitude of levers and dials regulating pressure of water and temperature and in my experience the more stylish the hotel and the more stylish the shower, the more complicated and obtuse the operating instructions.

There you are in your hotel suite wearing nothing but a perplexed facial look, staring at the polished chrome trying to work out how to switch the damn thing on without getting scalded or inducing hypothermia or being blown backwards onto the shower wall through sheer nozzle force. Believe me but in some hostelries it has taken me a good few moments before I have cracked the ideal permutation of levers and dials. Sometimes it feels more like safe cracking than showering.

But there is another problem.

In every hotel bathroom you get a small array of bottles. Again the posher the hotel the more wee bottles you get-potions for this and that, shower gels, shampoos, conditioners, anti ageing cream and so on and so forth. I have not yet seen stuff for conditions like acne and other embarrassing conditions but am sure that somewhere out there some really posh hotel will offer that.

But my problem with these is that the writing on these wee bottles is so small that I live in dread that I am going to put something totally inappropriate on some part of my anatomy that I shouldn’t. To read the size of print that those who design these wee bottles put on their labels, either I need put on my Gregory Peck’s or practice my Braille. But who wears their Gregory’s in the shower?

Now it might only be me but I cannot be the only one who has eye sight problems and who requires a pince nez make the printed word legible. We are not all young, hip and trendy with 20:20 vision so could wee bottle makers please make their labels legible. We should start a campaign for legible labels on bottles in hotel bathrooms. I am convinced there is a gap market for these.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

After the gold rush.....

Greetings.

And of course welcome back-as always it’s good to see you.

Given that last week is the first full week many of us will have worked in a while, hopefully you paced yourself well to get yourself through the week.

This week’s words of wisdom are dedicated to Neil Young, a musical icon of the 1970s, whose album ‘After the gold rush’ inspired these thoughts. You have been told previously that Cicero seeks and obtains inspiration widely.

Now you might think that Cicero can at times be a wee bit behind the times. You would be wrong. Cicero can get down there with the kids, man, when it is needed. He does have his finger on the pulse of the zeitgeist. And he does understand the cultural mood of the nation.

To prove it he has been following with rapt interest the machinations of Cheryl Cole over the past few weeks-would the nation’s sweetheart follow her mentor Simon Cowell to become a judge on the American version of X factor or would she pledge her troth to ITV. Of course she went for the Yankee dollar. And who can blame her.

But there are interesting parallels here with the dot.com boom of the late 1990s and the Yukon Gold Rush of 1897. And few other learned authors could link those three events.

Can anyone remember who won the first ever version of X Factor? Nope thought not-for the record it was Steve Brookstein. And whatever happened to him? And whatever happened to Shane Ward or Leon Jackson, also winners of X Factor?

The point here is that it’s not the show winners who are the real winners. No the real winners are the likes of simian-like Simon Cowell, our Cheryl and even the Irish leprechaun, Louis Walsh.

Now think back to the dot.com boom.

In this it was not the dot.com entrepreneurs who made the money, with a couple of notable exceptions. Indeed most of the eye ball chasers with flawed business models and preposterous valuations soon crashed and burned. No the real winners were the IT firms who flogged them the servers and the networks and the consultancy services, or the lawyers, bankers and accountants drawing up IPOs, or the people who set up sandwich businesses servicing Silicon Valley, Glen or Vallee.

And what does this have to do with the Yukon Gold Rush in 1987, almost exactly 100 years previously?

As you will be aware the discovery of gold in the Klondike river in the Yukon sparked a frenzy of gold rush immigration and gold prospecting with thousands flooding into the area in the mad search for gold. A bit like X Factor in many ways but without the tears and telephone polls.

And just like X Factor most had their hopes for fame and fortune dashed and came away disappointed.

In the Yukon the real winners were not the gold diggers but the spade sellers, the bar owners and the hookers. In other words it was those servicing the prospectors who made the real money. The parallels are uncanny.

So what kind of business are you in? Are you a spade seller or a gold digger?

And so this week’s moral lesson for anyone in business, don’t try to be the next Alexandra Burke but aim to be Cheryl Cole. It is always more profitable and more sustainable for a business to be a spade seller than a gold digger. And if you are looking to establish an entrepreneurial business or if you spot the next economic bandwagon and want to jump onto it, look to do so as a spade seller. We cannot guarantee it will make your fortune but the odds will favour you.

Is it only me...but why do these people think they need more money just for doing their job?

Now you might have missed this piece of ground breaking news this week but Network Rail have reached agreement that their workers will be bribed to ensure industrial harmony with a pay rise around 10% over two years and extra shift payments during the Olympic Games. In addition no staff can be dismissed during the games period and disputes will be fast-tracked or suspended until September.

No wonder the T-Rex dinosaurs at the RMT called this ‘a good deal’. You reckon. If such behaviour was seen in the playground the pit bulls of the RMT would be disciplined for bullying.

And you know who is going to jump next onto this gravy train-the train drivers, the guards, the porters (do we still have porters or is that beneath us these days?) and of course the good old tube drivers. All will look to be bribed to do the jobs they are paid to do in any event lest they threaten to strike and cause untold disruption and misery.

And who at the end of the day will foot the bill for this level of bribery-us, the long suffering tax payer and commuter. Surely such munifence is against the Bribery Act.

Given this example by quasi Apparatchiks no doubt other Apparatchiks will threaten to withdraw their labour through the Olympics unless they are paid off. And meanwhile those of us charged with only growing the economy will continue to see incomes and living standards squeezed but will carry on uncomplaining. We know our jobs are not guaranteed and under-written by the State-or should that be the taxpayer.

Now it might only be me but could someone please explain why these Rail Terrorists think they should be paid significantly more for doing exactly the same job they were paid to do in the first place. Will they be undertaking increased responsibilities? No. Will they be taking steps to reduce costs? Course not, don’t be silly. Or will they be finding ways to increase income? Now you are just taking the Michael-income, what is that?

So why exactly are they being substantively more? I think we deserve to know.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.