A word in your Shell

It would seem that the eco- and enviro-mentalists, who believe that the only creature of any significance on the planet are polar bears, truly are mental.

And Cicero is raging that these poor deluded people who have been duped into thinking and believing that our wonky weather is man-made, now have childrens’ play time in their sights with Lego bricks now being used as the latest weapon by these mentalists to save the planet…supposedly.

Pathetic.

For it has been brought to Cicero’s attention that Lego has recently ended a 50 year partnership with Shell which was designed to put Lego bricks into the hands of kiddiwinkles across the land and encouraging play, stimulating creativity, generating imagination, all good qualities one would have thought.

And Cicero believes we should be doing more to encourage these very fine qualities if we are to remain a land of invention and innovation and entrepreneurship.

But such qualities do not cut much ice with the mentalists if it threatens polar bears. And seemingly it does. But only if you have the warped and disturbed mind of a mentalist.

Now you may be wondering what Lego has done or is doing wrong in the eyes of the mentalists. And the answer…nothing apart from being best mates with Shell who have been drilling among the polar bears so that we can keep the lights on, our homes heated and our factories working that we might all enjoy a 21^st century lifestyle and not one more akin to Stone Age dwellers.

But the mentalists don’t like this and so have bullied and blackmailed Lego and targeted the play time of our kiddies.  The mentalists have even turned up at Legoland no doubt to scare the next generation and to brain wash them into believing that our planet is seconds away from expiry.

Now Cicero may have missed something but oil is a totally legal product and Shell is a truly legitimate company and drilling for oil is a legitimate business concern. Surely the Two Caesars have not prohibited such activities. Mr Nick does come up with cranky ideas from time to time but Posh Dave is there to stop such nonsense ever getting anywhere near the legislative process. Has he failed this time? Has he taken leave of his senses?

No it would seem not. This is yet another example of the mentalists imposing their distorted logic onto the lives of Cicero, the wider society, and onto the innocent and undisturbed minds of our kiddies.

And why have the Board and Management of Lego not shown more backbone? Why did they feel it necessary to cave into the craven blackmail of the mentalists? Surely they should have done more to protect the innocence of children playing with their bricks? And defended the legitimate right of us all to free speech and to have the temerity to express a contrary view about polar bears, wonky weather and melting ice caps?

Maybe they should have borrowed the stiff and unyielding backbone of their Lego men and women.

For how much longer are we going to tolerate the mentalists imposing their views? Cicero says to these disturbed people-‘seek help, leave us alone, especially the kids, and get back in your shells’.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Dead stupid

Should anyone think that Cicero has turned over a new leaf and is now thinking differently after my previous tale of humility and compassion, be assured that this week normal service will be resumed. 

Today he will uncover and target yet another example of crass stupidity in his quest to improve customer service one business at a time.

It is a thankless task but a job that has to be done otherwise we condemn the next customer to appalling, unthinking, unintelligent and de-humanised customer service.

Long suffering readers will know that the most widely quoted causes of inaction by businesses and their people here usually involve health and safety or data protection or following due process. In other words more emphasis is given to satisfying the needs of the health and safety gauleiters, of the business prevention compliance unit, or of the boss, rather than doing the right thing for the customer and applying some common sense.

This recent example from Cicero’s immense back catalogue of customer service howlers will illustrate this nicely.

Imagine, if you will, a telephone call between Cicero and the customer service unit of a well- established and highly-known insurance company.

Insurance Company: Good morning, can I take your policy number, please

Cicero: would it not be better if you treated me as a person not a number and asked for my name first

 

Insurance Company: I appreciate what you are saying but my computer says I must ask for policy number first

Cicero: Why?

Insurance Company: It is company policy. I guess it is in case you are not who you are

Cicero: And how does asking for my policy number verify that?

At this point there is much to-ing and fro-ing between Cicero and Insurance Company in a failed attempt to argue the logic of this case.

We now cut to the crux of the debate.

Cicero: Now we have established my bona fides, I would like to claim on an insurance policy taken out by my grandmother.

Insurance Company: We need your grandmother’s permission before we can discuss this. Do you have this?

Cicero: No. She is dead. That is why I am claiming on the policy.

Insurance Company: We still need her permission. Is there no way you can get her written authorisation?

Cicero: Are you seriously saying that I need the written authorisation from a dead person before I can make a claim? No, I have just checked it’s not April 1^st.

Insurance Company: Yes, it is data protection.

Cicero: Perhaps you might be able to give me a few pointers as to how I can get written authority from someone who is dead and even if she were still alive it is very unlikely that she would be given she would now be 138 at next birthday.

Insurance Company: Yes I can see that but to conform to my procedures and with Data Protection I cannot proceed unless we have written authority.

You really couldn’t make it up, could you?

After a few more moments of such badinage with the irrestible logic of Cicero continuing to bang up against the immovable dumbness of the clerk, the conversation was taken over by one whose pay grade entitled him to a few more brain cells. This resolved the conversation to Cicero’s satisfaction with a promise to review processes, to send away the hapless clerk for re-education and a cheque to charity to compensate for Cicero’s inconvenience that he had to deal with such abject stupidity.

Maybe if the business and its people had been a bit more obsessed with the customer and less in thrall to its own processes, to its business prevention compliance police, to a culture of disempowerment and fear, such stupidity could be averted. 

A lesson for many businesses.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Ever so humble

Cicero will be the first man to admit that humility and Marcus Tullius Cicero are not words that you will see together too often. This is not to say that Cicero is arrogant, well at least we hope not, but not many would describe Cicero as humble. 

And as regular readers of these words will testify, Cicero is often quick to criticise, to lampoon and to pass judgement. Especially if you do a job funded by the taxpayer.

And yet these are some of the very people who in recent weeks and months have humbled Cicero. Indeed they have inspired the Old Man today to write this eulogy to the selfless dedication, humanity and genuine warmth of those who man (assuming of course that Harry Harperson has not banned this word)  the wards in our hospitals, our nurses.

Over the last few weeks Cicero has spent more time than he would have liked in hospital. There is no need to fear-Cicero remains hale and hearty and will be the scourge of nonsense for years to come. It was not Cicero who needed the ministrations of our Health Service but someone far older and ancient than he, whose time on this green and pleasant land was drawing slowly and gently to its natural end.

And in the course of this Cicero witnessed and marvelled at the actions and behaviours who daily toil among the dying and the sick. Few, in Cicero’s daily experience, exhibit such compassion, gentleness and understanding on such a sustained basis.

Not only do they tend to the dying to ensure their last days and hours are as comfortable as possible but they also care for the needs of the living, those who will be left behind. Tears were shared, the anguish heard, pain assuaged.

We, mere mortals, will do this a few times in our life. They do it every day but they do it as if this was the first time, as if you were the only one going through this. And this is truly something to marvel at, to laud and to recognise.

And in the middle of the night, when the final moments come, and you are still on the road to the hospital, they will ensure that no one shuffles off this mortal coil alone. They will be there with a gentle stroke of the hand, a kind word, a soft light.

They care. They understand. They humble.

So let’s hear it for Britain’s nurses and for all they do to tend to the dying, the poorly and the living. And may they be an example to us all. They are to Cicero.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.