Bog Off

We are not yet quite in our VTSSB. We are moving this weekend. Last week was all about packing.

Have you seen any of these war films where just as the Americans arrive to win the war with the Brits nowhere to be seen, you get shots of defeated Germans burning and shredding plans and other important documents before they fall into Yank hands? Do you know the scene we are taking about?

Well something similar was happening all over the TSSB last week. Papers and plans were being destroyed in an orgy of shredding and burning. Many with much to hide, and no names are being mentioned as this is written, would be in awe of the capacity of state apparatchiks to burn and shred.

As is the norm the distaffs had their packing cases ready for weeks beforehand and spent countless days, hours and minutes trying to work out what to take and what to leave behind.

Meanwhile those with male chromosomes left their packing, shredding and burning to the very last minute. It reminded Cicero of the packing arrangements between the two sides as they go on holiday.

And we must begin with yet another apology-this time to Project Managers. Cicero was not having a go at Project Managers when he talked about going to the moon. Project Managers surely must do a good and useful job. It just so happens that these thoughts were inspired by a conversation with a Project Manager. Similar thoughts could have been expressed following chats with any profession, even with some, though not all, Marketing Grands Fromages.

If honour is now satisfied, can we move on?

Now many with aspirations to reach the top, and even Project Managers are included here, will know of the marketing practice of persuading customers to buy one, get one free. A practice more properly known as BOGOF.

Well it seems that there is a lot of scientific theory behind this. It is known as behavioural economics.

And even though Marketing Grand Fromages have been unknowingly applying the principles of this for years Cicero believes that the science and ology behind this should be brought to the attention of a wider audience.

To keep it simple this ology is based on 4 principles.

Firstly make the costs of buying your product less painful. Consumers always have the option of doing nothing so it might be a good idea to make it less painful for them to do something and part with cash. Delaying payment will ease the pain of parting with money and remove a barrier to purchase. Consumer gets instant gratification with pain later. DFS have a PhD in this.

Secondly harness the power of the default option. There is significant evidence that if there is a default option it will be chosen. This is what you get if you don’t actively make a choice. But when we are given something by default we are far more loathe to part with it as it becomes more valued. Defaults work best when consumers are too confused or too indifferent to make a choice. So make the power of the default work for you and your business. One telecoms company who own a big tent near the Thames increased acceptance of an offer by changing the script when customer called to cancel the contract. Instead of saying you will get 100 free calls if you keep the contract, they said ‘we have already credited your account with 100 free calls for you to use now’. Subtle but powerful. Many customers don’t want to give up something they think they already got.

Thirdly don’t overwhelm customers with choice. Cicero is a big fan of this. Single mindedness is key. Large scale choice works against you in two ways. It means that your customers have to work hard to find their preferred option, a big barrier to purchase. And it increases awareness of desirable features that have to be foregone in another purchase. Reducing the number of options helps people make decisions easier and be satisfied with their choices. Cicero can vouch for this. Just the other day a search was undertaken for stripey socks through one well known online website. The list stretched over 15 pages. And in the end overwhelmed by choice and indecision over the type of stripey sock that was best fit for the Ciceronic wardrobe, no sestercii changed hands. Disappointing for Cicero and the retailer.

And lastly position and price very carefully. Economists assume that everyone has a maximum price they’d be willing to buy and there is a wager here that Cicero with his Celtic blood line will be willing to pay less than you. Marketers can change and influence the equation. Take the example of the wine list in your local All Bar One. The most popular wines on the list are the second most expensive and the second cheapest. Customers who buy the former think they are getting something special but not pushing the boat out too far. Those who buy the second cheapest do not want to be seen as cheap skates. And so you may benefit from offering some slightly cheaper or inferior options. They may not sell but they will help shift the products you really do want to sell.

And now from reading this you have an ology. And with an ology you are a scientist. It is obvious really.

Now go and bog off and practice your behavioural economics in your business and let us all know how you got on.

Is it only me…….who thinks the world has now become a smellier place?

Now Cicero does not smoke. Indeed he has never smoked. What is the point in spending money just to watch it go up in smoke? That does not seem to make financial and economic sense and Cicero is big on things that make economic and financial sense.

And as a non smoker the smoking ban is welcomed. Life is now so much more pleasant in pubs, restaurants and on trains and buses. Anywhere indeed where people congregate.

But there is a downside to this and it is this-the world is getting smellier. The pervading smell of stale tobacco is now a lot more noticeable and obnoxious to our olfactory glands.

Similarly when leaving or entering any public building these days, and TSSBs and VTSSBs are included here, we now to have run gauntlet of bad odours and obnoxious smells which drift around the small knots of dedicated weed suckers who congregate around the portals of these establishments. It is smelly.

Maybe our noses are just becoming more sensitive to these smells but it is rather ironic that as our personal hygiene improves the world is becoming a smellier place. All suggestions to improve this state of affairs will be gratefully received.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

For hands that do dishes....

This will be the last week Cicero reports from the TSSB with its malfunctioning lifts. We are moving.

Cicero is going to remain a State apparatchik for a wee while yet but he is moving to a new TSSB from the end of this week. Obviously the location of this building cannot be revealed for reasons of national security but you can be assured that in this location the lifts will work and that every whim of tired and stressed apparatchiks of the State will be well catered for in a non taxpayer subsidised sort of way. This place is so secret that from now on in this column it will be known only as a Very Top Secret State Bunker or VTSSB for short.

Thought you might be interested.

It seems that last week’s words lacked their accustomed bite and satirical barbs. This was not intended. Nor was it an example of Cicero backing down after provoking the ire of the breeders and baby incubators. Cicero tells it as he sees it each week. There is always the intention to provoke and stimulate. Never to cause real personal offence and upset.

Now let us start this week with a quiz.

Who can remember these advertising slogans as seen on TV ads and guess the right brand?

‘Beanz means xxxxx’; ‘ The future’s bright, the future’s xxxxx’; A xxxxx a day helps you works rest and play; ‘For hands that do dishes’; ‘Vorsprung durch technik’; ‘The world’s favourite airline’ ‘The Bank that likes to say yes’; ‘A taste of paradise’.

We could play this game all week if you want and for those really interested and looking for a reminder of these classic strap lines you will find the answers at the end of this week’s words of wisdom and insight.

And now who can tell us what strap line today goes with each of these brands or its successor?

Well done if you get all right or even close. And given that Cicero does not know either then there are no answers provided here on the current slogans.

But that is not really the point. This is not an advertising trivia quiz but some thoughts on the propensity of great brands and their Marketing Grands Fromages to switch and change brand slogans with the speed of an MP flipping their housing arrangements. Surely it should not be like this?

Imagine the shock, pain and horror when a Marketing Grand Fromage finds out through research that a long redundant slogan is still instantly recalled by consumer groups and the new slogan in which a multi pound and multi channel advertising campaign has been invested is not.

When Cicero was a Marketing Grand Fromage in charge of managing advertising slogans the agencies would constantly urge a change of positioning and strategy on a basis that the current ones were showing signs of wear and tear. Really? Tyres show signs of wear and tear but in Cicero’s experience consumers rarely tire of a great advertising slogan backed up by great creativity. Agencies and Marketing Grand Fromages get fed up long before the consumers even notice.

And of course any new Marketing Grand Fromage assuming responsibility for a brand wants to make a mark, a difference, get noticed. So, what does she, or he, do? They change agencies and with this change comes a new look, a new positioning, a new strap line. Even if the brand does not need it.

Brands are meant to endure. They are meant to offer consistency. They are meant to be about a promise. They are not meant to be about one night stands but a relationship. How can you be all this when you chop and change what you stand for?

It is difficult to do great and successful marketing in today’s multi channel media market. So much easier to do when there was only one, or even two, commercial TV stations and when newspapers were bought and read on a daily basis. Think of all the ways we consume media today. Surely this is a call for far greater consistency and longevity. Never ever under-estimate how difficult it is to break through the noise, the clutter and the buzz to build a slogan that is recognised, remembered and resonates by and with the target market.

Sure there will be times when there will be a real business need to re-build your positioning, your brand and your slogan. These times are a lot rarer than you think, and should be driven by the needs of the brand and the business not the ego of the Marketing Grand Fromage.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And for hands that do dishes and need something else to do to stop meddling, go try something else to help you work, rest and play.

Is it only me……who thinks that this is no way to fight a war?

Cicero is bemused and perplexed. Now Cicero is no military man in the mould of Pompey, Caesar or Scipio but not having any real knowledge of a subject has never before stopped Cicero from passing comment, enlightened or otherwise. Yet Cicero is hugely surprised by how much notice we have given the enemy of our intentions in Afghanistan.

Now it might only be me but since when have we started to tell our enemies pretty much when and where we were going to attack. In World War 2 prior to the Normandy landings, our side took every possible step to conceal where and when the landings were going to take place, to the extent that a decoy army was created to help convince the Germans that we were going to attack somewhere else. We did something similar in the Falklands even though the Argies knew we were coming. In the first Gulf War Storming Norman learnt from Hannibal to dupe the Iraquis from where the attack was going to come.

Now it seems we send an invite to the Taliban telling them when and where we are going to attack, be there or be square. We even have American leaders telling the Taliban that if you stay quiet and out of hair for about 18 months then we will take our ball home and be gone.

Does it never occur to these military geniuses, as it occurs to Cicero, that all the Taliban have to do is be as far away as possible form the battle zone on Saturday at 3pm when it all kicks off and then hide in their caves until the White Man has gone and then they win?

The world is indeed a funny place.

Have a good week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

How many did you get right? Heinz Baked Beans; Orange; Mars Bars; Fairy Liquid; Audi; British Airways; TSB; Bounty.

Fly me to the moon

Cicero has observed that despite last week’s considered thoughts on child cruelty and abuse, young children are still being seen in early hours of morning accompanying mum and dad to work. Never fear. Now that the toothpaste is leaking from the tube, it cannot be long before Super Nanny, aka the government, sets up and enquiry, a database and an Authority to regulate this behaviour. You mark Cicero’s wise words.

And lest you doubt the importance of secrecy in the TSSB let the following true tale highlight for you how seriously the TSSB is maintained.

This may surprise you but you as a taxpayer pay for someone to check our desks in the TSSB at the weekend. It is known as a Security Sweep. (Presumably a Security Sooty is seen as demeaning and not at all appropriate).

Anyway last weekend Security Sweep and Security Sooty inspected Cicero’s desk for breaches of security. Of course Security Sweep and Security Sooty have to justify their existence and their lucrative weekend working, and having failed to locate contraband security papers, as if a Marketing Head Honcho would have access to documents of such great import, confiscated an old notebook full of Cicero’s doodlings and claimed it as a Security Breach. Presumably it gives an insight into the man’s diseased and warped mind.

Seriously this notebook contained nothing of significance but it was deemed a Security Breach. Presumably with a terrorist attack deemed likely at some point in the future and at some undefined place, these doodles were a short step away from being blown up.

Hopefully you are now assured of the lengths the State go to maintain the TSSB as a TSSB and not just a SB. You can sleep easy.

Now quite a few years ago John Kennedy, sometime American President, went on a visit to NASA’s headquarters in Florida. After meeting with all the Head Honchos, Luke Skywalker wannabees and engineering geeks with brains the size of planets, he was introduced to an elderly black woman.

‘And what do you do?’ asked Mr America

‘I am helping put a man on the moon’ replied the elderly lady

‘And how do you do that?’ asked Mr Handsome

‘I keep the toilets clean’.

Cicero was reminded of this conversation when communing in recent days with one of his many friends who works for the National Nanny Service, sorry the National Health Service.

A similar question was asked of said friend who told Cicero that she was a project manager with the National Nanny Service which meant that she managed projects. Note no word of helping make people better. Or keeping people healthy. Or even helping others nanny us.

If we compare the NASA answer to the National Nanny Service answer there are two things worthy of note and please start to consider how you would answer this killer question.

Firstly, the NASA toilet cleaner told the President what she did first and not how she did it. And I guess that is not how many of us would answer that question. We would focus on how we do it not the purpose of what we do.

And secondly, note the complete alignment of purpose throughout the organisation. How many of us can say that the businesses we work in offer such a clear sighted, single minded and inspiring view of its purpose? Damn few probably but what is stopping us as individuals developing our own clear sighted, single minded and inspiring answer should we ever be introduced to the American president?

In Cicero’s simplistic world, and sometimes simple is best, there are only 2 types of people in any business-those who serve customers and those whose job it is to help and support those who serve customers. If you are not in either of these groups you should not be there.

The National Nanny Service should not want people to manage projects. It does want people whose job it is to help doctors and nurses keep us fit and healthy.

Not everyone can be a Luke Skywalker but we can all help the Luke Skywalkers in our business fly to the moon.

Is it only me…….who hates to be told that someone is only following orders?

It has often been said that Cicero has a problem with authority. Cicero would dispute this but given sometimes what we all have to put up with from petty bureaucrats and power crazed apparatchiks it is often no wonder that from time to time frustration might boil over.

From time to time, well quite often actually, Cicero is often faced with being asked, and often told, to do something which defies logic and common sense. For example Cicero was asked last week in the course of his duties to complete a form to provide information that had previously been supplied in non form format.

Now not unnaturally Cicero questioned and challenged such non value adding bureaucracy and requested the rationale for such stupidity. Typical responses to such reasonable challenges range from ‘its procedure’ to ‘it's what I have been told to do’ to ‘I am just following instructions’.

Is it only me who thinks that such responses are what led to concentration camps and the gas chambers?

Nothing riles Cicero more than coming across people who probably know that what they are being asked to do is insane and can probably see the reasonableness of Cicero’s arguments but who no doubt think that they preserve their roles in life by lobotomising their instincts and all rational and logical thought.

So if you want to annoy Cicero all you have to do is sustain and defend petty bureaucracy. Even better. Wear a high visibility vest when you do it. But that is a whole new ball game.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

And now for something completely different

Last week if you recall we spoke about how the eco-mentalists and Green Gestapo had taken to producing their own dodgy dossier of scientific tosh and made up data to try to explain wonky weather. It was interesting to note that in relation to other choleric spleen splitting diatribes you might find here from time to time, that the eco-mentalists and the rest of the interfering Greens have stayed very quiet. A reaction was expected. None came. Perhaps these people have been shamed by their antics and have decided to lie low until the furore has died down. Perhaps.

Is it too much to ask that they will go away and admit they were wrong? Doubt it.

And news from the TSSB. Two lifts down last week but fortunately one continued to work. Otherwise it would have been hell. You cannot expect state employees to strain every sinew to maintain and protect you without a lift.

And now for something completely different….quite literally.

The need to innovate and be creative in these dark times is stronger than ever. And creativity and innovation can be about new products and services to grow income or to improve delivery or to better manage costs. All can play this game even those of Cicero’s friends whose job it is to help those who help others to maintain systems and things for those who provide back room support to doctors and nurses to look after us better. And surely an organisation like this could do with some lean thinking.

But how to do creativity?

The danger with traditional creativity is that it looks for interesting solutions which require new assets or long term investment; that it arises from blue sky thinking with no constraints; that it develops wide ranging and radical ideas based on complex solutions.

What is needed now is Lean Creativity. Lean Creativity, and Cicero is going to trademark this term, keeps one eye on time, cost and quality. It sweats existing assets to their maximum potential. And most crucially Lean Creativity is about being quick to market with little and clever ideas and solutions.

Cicero has been thinking long and hard about Lean Creativity and how it might be introduced, even in the TSSB where lack of investment makes thinking lean a pre-requisite.

And in applying Lean Creativity here are 8 questions to think about to get started.

• How can you re-build the core elements of your product or service to make it perfect for your customer’s right now?
• Can you make the real value of your product and service stand out from the crowd?
• Is it as easy as possible for your new customers to do business with you and then come back again and again?
• Have you ensured that each and every touch point helps your customer access your product or service?
• How can you create and recommend options for customers to help them focus their decisions and simplify your operation?
• Can you get your customers to help you deliver the offer and ensure they love the experience?
• How can you capitalise on your partnerships to leverage a better offer and experience for your customers?
• What can you do for free which will have a lasting effect on your customers by giving away what incurs little or no cost to you but provides great value to your customers?

You don’t need to be able to answer all 8 but at least some of them will be a start. And even those helping improve the nation’s health should be able to apply the principles of Lean Creativity to come up with something completely different.

Surely even our health professionals so fond of preaching to us about our heating habits cannot object to something lean.

Please share how you get on.

Is it only me….who thinks that this is a blatant example of child cruelty?

As you will know Cicero gets up in middle of night to rush to his TSSB to toil for another day to maintain your personal security and protection. Every day Cicero is part of the great salatariat that pours into our great metropolises like wildebeest traversing the Serengeti in search of food and water. And Cicero is struck by the not inconsiderable number of very young children forced to join this daily route march wrapped in swaddling clothes and wheeled in their buggies through the throng in the winter gloom and seasonal chill.

Cicero does not think this is right and is amazed that mums and dads and even society at large is prepared to accept such wholesale cruelty and neglect.

Sure these kids are not being beaten or neglected or abused in the same way as many other kids might be. Sure their every material need is being catered for and hopefully they are being watered and fed as the manual requires. And sure they will be loved as much as children are supposed to be loved. But is it only me who thinks that disturbing the sweet slumbers of infants and then transporting them across town when the sun is barely up through a crowd of morose and uncommunicative giants, which is how the commute herd must appear to them, is a kind of acceptable middle class neglect and abuse?

No doubt these infant commuters are being taken to nursery or pre-school dumps in our town centres so that the materialistic middle class aspirations, ambitions and lifestyles of their striving parents can be maintained. These days no one is prepared to make a sacrifice unless of course you are a toddling tot forced without your consent or engagement to sacrifice your sleep and time finger painting at home with either or both of your parents so you can learn how to commute with the best of us. Admittedly you learn more in your first three years of line than you will do for the rest of your life, Cicero excepted of course, but do we really think it’s ok to use this development period to teach our children how to commute, how to squeeze into the tiniest of space, how to endure 30 minutes with your face stuck hard up against a smelly oxter? Surely there is far more to life than this. Do you think this is an acceptable way to treat kids?

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.