Is it only me...but I thought this was our tune not yours.
Do you remember Simon Bates and ‘Our tune’?
Every day Simon Bates would play some piece of music special to one of his listeners backed by a story which would tear at the heart strings, play with the tear ducts and rip your hair out. It pandered to the worst emotions of the British psyche. I am sure that around the country some folks would be left blubbing around their radios once Simon had spun his daily yarn of pathos and invited all of us to share someone else's emotions and sad moments.
I was reminded of Dear Old Simon while watching the rugby fest at the weekend.
As is the norm, between the players entering the arena and prior to the ball being hoofed skyward to indicate that battle has commenced, the players line up as their National Anthem is played. The Scots warble of the time they sent someone called Edward back home to think again; the Welsh gloriously celebrate the land of their dads; while the Irish not content with one tune have two to croak their way through-one about a soldier and one which is far as I can tell just bellows out the name of their country. And God knows what it is the Italians are singing about.
And have you ever considered this-as individuals most in the crowd will be rank bad singers but collectively the sound is normally wonderfully with perfect pitch and tone. Why is this?
But back to Simon Bates.
As the notes from the song about the Welsh and their dads died away I was most miffed to hear the announcer in the arena that is ‘Twickers’ announce that next up would be the English National Anthem. Sadly this was not a new song but a request for God to give Betty a long and happy life.
Now this might only be me but unless I missed something I thought that this song belonged to all of us who live on this green and sceptered isle and that wee sliver of land that Betty rules over that is badly located on Erin’s isle. It is not England’s National Anthem but our National Anthem.
I know the English have through the centuries got form when it comes to appropriating stuff that doesn’t belong to them-India, a lot of Africa and Scotland for starters. I did think though that, in the words that we Scots sing, ‘these days were past now and in the past they must remain.’
Clearly not.
And so if I may be so bold to make a suggestion to all those living to the south of the Wall of Hadrian and to the east of the Dyke of Offa, get your own song. I’m sure Cliff Richard or Andrew Lloyd Webber or even Adele might be able to knock something off in a spare half hour or so that you could warble to your hearts’ content.
Alternatively you could just set us all free and then you could have Betty and her song all to yourself.
In the meantime stop calling it England’s National Anthem.
Have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
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Wednesday 29 February 2012
Thursday 23 February 2012
This is interesting...
Is it only me...but the Tax Apparatchiks didn’t need to do this.
One day last week I got home to find a letter from the Her Maj’s Tax Apparatchiks awaiting my return from a hard day at the coal face trying to earn enough money to pay my taxes to keep this country afloat and awash with hospitals, schools and benefit payments. It was therefore with a sense of trepidation, fear and concern that I opened the letter from Her Maj’s people.
Surely they don’t want more bawbees from me was my instinctive response? Have I not yet fully paid for the local hospital I never use? How many more Apparatchiks’ pensions must I now fund?
You can therefore imagine my delight, pleasure and surprise to be informed that instead of me giving yet more of my hard earned money to the Two Caesars and their legions of Apparatchiks, it had been decided that they owed me. It wasn’t much but in these straightened times every little helps and in my mind I am far better positioned to spend my money more efficiently than some cosseted Apparatchik.
I was a little puzzled as to why I deserved such largesse especially as I was sure that dealings between me and the Tax Apparatchik were all square. You can be assured that I promptly pay every bawbee that I am required by current tax legislation to pay.
And therein lay the problem. I had paid all that was owed promptly. Indeed I had paid too promptly, well in advance of the deadline and therefore I was owed interest.
Now it might only be me but this is an absolute nonsense.
You may have guessed by now that I am not a huge big fan of being deprived of money I have worked hard to earn by whichever lot is in power. (You may have inferred this conclusion by reading between the lines of my writings and musings-and you would be right.)
Notwithstanding this however I do accept the need to pay whatever taxes I am owed and as it suits me to settle up at the earliest opportunity that is what I do. I do not expect to be recompensed or incentivised for doing this. If I wish to pay early then surely all should applaud that-at least it means we don’t have to go cap and hand to borrow from the Chinese to pay for our schools, hospitals, pensions and benefits.
And we also have the rule of double jeopardy at work here-I get some money unexpectedly back and the Apparatchiks have to spend even more money calculating, raising and processing the refund which would far outstrip the face value of the cheque, given the cost of Apparatchiks these days.
No, the money would have been better spent reducing the cost of the National Debt rather than giving me the liquid funds to buy a coffee.
But I did keep the money! Even though this is a national scandal.
Have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
One day last week I got home to find a letter from the Her Maj’s Tax Apparatchiks awaiting my return from a hard day at the coal face trying to earn enough money to pay my taxes to keep this country afloat and awash with hospitals, schools and benefit payments. It was therefore with a sense of trepidation, fear and concern that I opened the letter from Her Maj’s people.
Surely they don’t want more bawbees from me was my instinctive response? Have I not yet fully paid for the local hospital I never use? How many more Apparatchiks’ pensions must I now fund?
You can therefore imagine my delight, pleasure and surprise to be informed that instead of me giving yet more of my hard earned money to the Two Caesars and their legions of Apparatchiks, it had been decided that they owed me. It wasn’t much but in these straightened times every little helps and in my mind I am far better positioned to spend my money more efficiently than some cosseted Apparatchik.
I was a little puzzled as to why I deserved such largesse especially as I was sure that dealings between me and the Tax Apparatchik were all square. You can be assured that I promptly pay every bawbee that I am required by current tax legislation to pay.
And therein lay the problem. I had paid all that was owed promptly. Indeed I had paid too promptly, well in advance of the deadline and therefore I was owed interest.
Now it might only be me but this is an absolute nonsense.
You may have guessed by now that I am not a huge big fan of being deprived of money I have worked hard to earn by whichever lot is in power. (You may have inferred this conclusion by reading between the lines of my writings and musings-and you would be right.)
Notwithstanding this however I do accept the need to pay whatever taxes I am owed and as it suits me to settle up at the earliest opportunity that is what I do. I do not expect to be recompensed or incentivised for doing this. If I wish to pay early then surely all should applaud that-at least it means we don’t have to go cap and hand to borrow from the Chinese to pay for our schools, hospitals, pensions and benefits.
And we also have the rule of double jeopardy at work here-I get some money unexpectedly back and the Apparatchiks have to spend even more money calculating, raising and processing the refund which would far outstrip the face value of the cheque, given the cost of Apparatchiks these days.
No, the money would have been better spent reducing the cost of the National Debt rather than giving me the liquid funds to buy a coffee.
But I did keep the money! Even though this is a national scandal.
Have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Monday 20 February 2012
This land is my land
Is it only me...but I think it’s time to set my people free.
As has been said many times before I originate from north of the Wall of Hadrian and because of this one question has dominated conversation with friends and foes in recent weeks-will I vote for independence?
And so this week I want to set everyone’s mind at rest for once and all and broadcast quite clearly my intent. No doubt this shot will be heard around the world just like the one fired at Lexington that triggered the American War of Independence.
I must point one thing out though- as a long term resident of the land to the south of the Wall of Hadrian I will not have a vote in the forthcoming electoral contest despite being as Scottish as haggis and clootie dumpling. There is a therefore a risk that should my fellow country people vote yes and send the Two Caesars homewards to think again, I face the prospect of being effectively stateless. It also means that my considered thoughts and views on the Scots right to self-determination are hypothetical.
And so to answer the question. And just like Meg Ryan in ‘When Harry met Sally’ my answer has to be ‘yes...Yes...YES!’
Now that might come as a surprise to you that I would advocate that the lands north of the Wall of Hadrian should be set free but why shouldn’t they be if that is what the people really really want and I believe that they should want this.
It is a heart thing and not a head thing though there are no doubt plenty of good reasons why we as a nation can stand alone, after all there are many countries smaller than us and with fewer resources who manage perfectly well to stand on their own two feet.
But more importantly we are a nation with a clear and separate identity and with many of the instruments of nationhood. We have a proud and independent history. We are awash in natural resources. We have a highly educated people despite the best efforts of Westminster to ruin this. We have our own church; our own laws, legal system and approach to jurisprudence; and most importantly a distinctive and idiosyncratic culinary experience.
So why should we not seek independent nationhood?
It might only be me but I do find it a certain irony that the Two Caesars are prepared to send Betty’s grandson, William, and our latest piece of naval hardware, half way round the world to defend the right of the Penguins in the South Atlantic to remain British and to uphold the principle of self-determination, and yet when it comes to the peoples of Scotland while we can have self-determination it will be on London’s terms. Could it be something to do with oil? I wonder.
Or maybe it is all about water given that the Scots are up their oxters in stuff while the pampered English in the south east are squealing about droughts. Maybe they should look at the Horn of Africa to see what a drought really looks like.
It is also worth mentioning that by making it difficult for the Scots to exercise their rights the Two Caesars are coming close to flouting international law. I wonder if they know that article 15 of the UN Declaration of Human Rights guarantees that everyone has the right to a nationality and that no one should be arbitrarily deprived of a nationality or denied the right to change nationality. Do you think I should tell them?
But no matter what I think, I hae ma doobts if we will say aye to the chance to run oor ain affairs.
Have a great week.
And if you want to know why tight briefs are preferable to big briefs check out The Marketing Comic at www.themarketingcomic.blogspot.com. Go on, you know you want to.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
As has been said many times before I originate from north of the Wall of Hadrian and because of this one question has dominated conversation with friends and foes in recent weeks-will I vote for independence?
And so this week I want to set everyone’s mind at rest for once and all and broadcast quite clearly my intent. No doubt this shot will be heard around the world just like the one fired at Lexington that triggered the American War of Independence.
I must point one thing out though- as a long term resident of the land to the south of the Wall of Hadrian I will not have a vote in the forthcoming electoral contest despite being as Scottish as haggis and clootie dumpling. There is a therefore a risk that should my fellow country people vote yes and send the Two Caesars homewards to think again, I face the prospect of being effectively stateless. It also means that my considered thoughts and views on the Scots right to self-determination are hypothetical.
And so to answer the question. And just like Meg Ryan in ‘When Harry met Sally’ my answer has to be ‘yes...Yes...YES!’
Now that might come as a surprise to you that I would advocate that the lands north of the Wall of Hadrian should be set free but why shouldn’t they be if that is what the people really really want and I believe that they should want this.
It is a heart thing and not a head thing though there are no doubt plenty of good reasons why we as a nation can stand alone, after all there are many countries smaller than us and with fewer resources who manage perfectly well to stand on their own two feet.
But more importantly we are a nation with a clear and separate identity and with many of the instruments of nationhood. We have a proud and independent history. We are awash in natural resources. We have a highly educated people despite the best efforts of Westminster to ruin this. We have our own church; our own laws, legal system and approach to jurisprudence; and most importantly a distinctive and idiosyncratic culinary experience.
So why should we not seek independent nationhood?
It might only be me but I do find it a certain irony that the Two Caesars are prepared to send Betty’s grandson, William, and our latest piece of naval hardware, half way round the world to defend the right of the Penguins in the South Atlantic to remain British and to uphold the principle of self-determination, and yet when it comes to the peoples of Scotland while we can have self-determination it will be on London’s terms. Could it be something to do with oil? I wonder.
Or maybe it is all about water given that the Scots are up their oxters in stuff while the pampered English in the south east are squealing about droughts. Maybe they should look at the Horn of Africa to see what a drought really looks like.
It is also worth mentioning that by making it difficult for the Scots to exercise their rights the Two Caesars are coming close to flouting international law. I wonder if they know that article 15 of the UN Declaration of Human Rights guarantees that everyone has the right to a nationality and that no one should be arbitrarily deprived of a nationality or denied the right to change nationality. Do you think I should tell them?
But no matter what I think, I hae ma doobts if we will say aye to the chance to run oor ain affairs.
Have a great week.
And if you want to know why tight briefs are preferable to big briefs check out The Marketing Comic at www.themarketingcomic.blogspot.com. Go on, you know you want to.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Playing the blues
Is it only me....but even Blue Noses need to pay their taxes.
Now as you might know I originally come from a Celtic Northern Tribe living far to the north of The Wall of Hadrian, from a city dominated by its soccer teams, the Hoops or the Bhoys and the Gers, whose supporters are known affectionally as Blue Noses.
It is important to state for readers of these words, and for those north of the Wall of Hadrian these things are important, that by birth, pedigree and inclination I am a Blue Nose though these days I am a Blue Nose Lite with strong liberal tendencies which is a contradiction in terms to the Blue Nose Taliban.
And for the education of others bemused by what I am talking about, you can never be a Blue Nose or a Bhoy. You have to choose at birth and stick with it. And for many, birth chooses you as a Bhoy or Blue Nose. I hope you following this.
But moving on.
It will not have escaped your attention that in recent days the Gers, or Rangers FC to give them their Sunday name, has gone into administration owing a significant sum of money, and we are talking many millions here, to the Tax Apparatchiks.
This is big bad news. Not just for all who play for and work at the Gers; not just for the legions of Blue Noses worldwide spread like a contagion by the Diaspora to every far flung corner of the world; not just for Scottish football which requires the Gers and the Bhoys to be strong and powerful to keep the money flowing in to support every man, woman, boy and girl who plays the game north of the border; but for the very psyche of the Scots people as it approaches the 700th Anniversary of Bannockburn when it sent the English hordes back home to think again and as it stands on the threshold of independence.
You think I’m kidding.
It is said that the first devolution vote was lost in 1979 because of the damage to our psyche, whatever that might be, caused by the dismal failure of Ally McLeod and his team of Scottish football no hopers to bring home the World Cup from Argentina in 1978. Soccer is that big a deal to us.
Now clearly the Gers could have avoided their wee problem with the Tax Apparatchiks by buying them lunch as some banks and mobile phone companies are alleged to have done. Either the situation was so dire that the Gers did not even have enough loose change or luncheon vouchers lying around to run to lunch; or the Head Tax Apparatchik was a Bhoys fan and hell would have to freeze over before he would be seen tucking in with a Blue Nose.
I have not heard this claimed yet but it won’t be long before we hear a Blue Nose blubbing and greeting (which means crying not saying hello) that his beloved Gers has been made bust for sectarian reasons. And I wouldn’t bet against the religious beliefs of the key Tax Apparatchiks being investigated. Let us hope and pray they are Jewish.
I have however started to hear a few bleeding heart commentators and politicians start to claim special case status for the Gers and requesting that the Tax Apparatchiks go easy on them.
Now it might only be me but this is wrong. Day in, day out the Tax Apparatchiks are taking businesses of all shapes and sizes to court for not paying their tax bills and for taking steps to evade, not avoid, tax. And every day as a result businesses either write large cheques which pays for our schools, hospitals and Apparatchik pensions, or they go bust. And every time a company goes bust there is a human dimension.
It is no different for the Gers. And nor should it have been any different for Vodafone, Goldman Sachs and anyone else who escaped paying their due tax in return for lunch. Just because you employ 11 men who kick a ball around every Saturday does not give you special exemption. After all our schools, hospitals and Apparatchik pensions still need to be paid.
It will be a tragedy if the long history of the Gers should end, in the words of T S Elliott, ‘not with a bang but with a whimper’ but we can’t keep on making special cases. Every case is special to someone. And there is no way that chasing a ball can be deemed a special case.
If there is anyone out there who thinks otherwise please let me know.
And to every Blue Nose out there, and remember before you send the boys round, that includes me, have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Now as you might know I originally come from a Celtic Northern Tribe living far to the north of The Wall of Hadrian, from a city dominated by its soccer teams, the Hoops or the Bhoys and the Gers, whose supporters are known affectionally as Blue Noses.
It is important to state for readers of these words, and for those north of the Wall of Hadrian these things are important, that by birth, pedigree and inclination I am a Blue Nose though these days I am a Blue Nose Lite with strong liberal tendencies which is a contradiction in terms to the Blue Nose Taliban.
And for the education of others bemused by what I am talking about, you can never be a Blue Nose or a Bhoy. You have to choose at birth and stick with it. And for many, birth chooses you as a Bhoy or Blue Nose. I hope you following this.
But moving on.
It will not have escaped your attention that in recent days the Gers, or Rangers FC to give them their Sunday name, has gone into administration owing a significant sum of money, and we are talking many millions here, to the Tax Apparatchiks.
This is big bad news. Not just for all who play for and work at the Gers; not just for the legions of Blue Noses worldwide spread like a contagion by the Diaspora to every far flung corner of the world; not just for Scottish football which requires the Gers and the Bhoys to be strong and powerful to keep the money flowing in to support every man, woman, boy and girl who plays the game north of the border; but for the very psyche of the Scots people as it approaches the 700th Anniversary of Bannockburn when it sent the English hordes back home to think again and as it stands on the threshold of independence.
You think I’m kidding.
It is said that the first devolution vote was lost in 1979 because of the damage to our psyche, whatever that might be, caused by the dismal failure of Ally McLeod and his team of Scottish football no hopers to bring home the World Cup from Argentina in 1978. Soccer is that big a deal to us.
Now clearly the Gers could have avoided their wee problem with the Tax Apparatchiks by buying them lunch as some banks and mobile phone companies are alleged to have done. Either the situation was so dire that the Gers did not even have enough loose change or luncheon vouchers lying around to run to lunch; or the Head Tax Apparatchik was a Bhoys fan and hell would have to freeze over before he would be seen tucking in with a Blue Nose.
I have not heard this claimed yet but it won’t be long before we hear a Blue Nose blubbing and greeting (which means crying not saying hello) that his beloved Gers has been made bust for sectarian reasons. And I wouldn’t bet against the religious beliefs of the key Tax Apparatchiks being investigated. Let us hope and pray they are Jewish.
I have however started to hear a few bleeding heart commentators and politicians start to claim special case status for the Gers and requesting that the Tax Apparatchiks go easy on them.
Now it might only be me but this is wrong. Day in, day out the Tax Apparatchiks are taking businesses of all shapes and sizes to court for not paying their tax bills and for taking steps to evade, not avoid, tax. And every day as a result businesses either write large cheques which pays for our schools, hospitals and Apparatchik pensions, or they go bust. And every time a company goes bust there is a human dimension.
It is no different for the Gers. And nor should it have been any different for Vodafone, Goldman Sachs and anyone else who escaped paying their due tax in return for lunch. Just because you employ 11 men who kick a ball around every Saturday does not give you special exemption. After all our schools, hospitals and Apparatchik pensions still need to be paid.
It will be a tragedy if the long history of the Gers should end, in the words of T S Elliott, ‘not with a bang but with a whimper’ but we can’t keep on making special cases. Every case is special to someone. And there is no way that chasing a ball can be deemed a special case.
If there is anyone out there who thinks otherwise please let me know.
And to every Blue Nose out there, and remember before you send the boys round, that includes me, have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Monday 13 February 2012
Blowing hot and cold
Is it only me...but it seems I might have been right all along.
Devoted readers of my wit and wisdom will know that I am an ardent critic of the causes of Wonky Weather, better known as global warming by eco-and enviro-mentalists who themselves rebranded their spurious science to climate change to explain away freezing winters.
For years these doomsayers have controlled just about every agenda going with their doomsayer pronouncements and apocalyptic warnings of droughts, crop failures, rising sea waters and the loss of ice floes for the polar bear. And they were taken seriously. Unbelievable, I know.
Now it seems they were wrong and I might have been right, though of course this is not a time for intellectual superiority or patrician gloating. And for this point of view I have for once got the best of impeccable sources.
You might not have come across my proof given the stranglehold that the Wonky Weather deniers and the eco and enviro-mentalists have on mainstream media around the globe forbidding and limiting any discussion of alternative points of view. It is therefore my public duty to bring this new knowledge to a wider and more informed audience. This means you.
New research based on Met Office data, so it must be authoritative, has proved without a scintilla of doubt that global temperatures, despite the introduction of wheelie bins, more expensive air travel and charges for carrier bags, have remained flat since 1997. Indeed it now seems that global temperatures have risen by the meagre 0.4C in last 30 years. Not much is it?
And, if more proof was needed, a bunch of scientists wrote to the Wall St Journal pointing out that ‘computer models have greatly exaggerated how much warming additional CO2 can cause’.
In other words global warming or climate change is a myth and is nothing more than Wonky Weather as I have repeatedly pointed out for as long as I have been crafting these words.
Maybe M&S might now give us back all the 5ps they have taken from us all over the years in name of global warming given that the eco-mentalists have been shown to be a bunch of empty shirts. Do you think they will? No neither do I.
It might only be me but maybe this will put an end to the development of public and social policy aiming to fix Wonk Weather on basis of spurious unfounded and plain wrong science. As I have said all along Wonky Weather cannot be controlled. It just happens.
Before William the Conqueror landed on these shores we had a king called Ethelred who in a very public demonstration of his powerlessness proved that he could not control the waves. Now the latest research from the weathermen proves that we cannot control Wonky Weather by getting us to pay more to fly, to drive our cars, dump our rubbish and even to carry our food home from the shops. Green taxes have or will do nothing for Wonky Weather. Best we stop pretending it will.
Have a great week.
And if you interested in reading a love story for our times, check out www.themarketingcomic.blogspot.com.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Devoted readers of my wit and wisdom will know that I am an ardent critic of the causes of Wonky Weather, better known as global warming by eco-and enviro-mentalists who themselves rebranded their spurious science to climate change to explain away freezing winters.
For years these doomsayers have controlled just about every agenda going with their doomsayer pronouncements and apocalyptic warnings of droughts, crop failures, rising sea waters and the loss of ice floes for the polar bear. And they were taken seriously. Unbelievable, I know.
Now it seems they were wrong and I might have been right, though of course this is not a time for intellectual superiority or patrician gloating. And for this point of view I have for once got the best of impeccable sources.
You might not have come across my proof given the stranglehold that the Wonky Weather deniers and the eco and enviro-mentalists have on mainstream media around the globe forbidding and limiting any discussion of alternative points of view. It is therefore my public duty to bring this new knowledge to a wider and more informed audience. This means you.
New research based on Met Office data, so it must be authoritative, has proved without a scintilla of doubt that global temperatures, despite the introduction of wheelie bins, more expensive air travel and charges for carrier bags, have remained flat since 1997. Indeed it now seems that global temperatures have risen by the meagre 0.4C in last 30 years. Not much is it?
And, if more proof was needed, a bunch of scientists wrote to the Wall St Journal pointing out that ‘computer models have greatly exaggerated how much warming additional CO2 can cause’.
In other words global warming or climate change is a myth and is nothing more than Wonky Weather as I have repeatedly pointed out for as long as I have been crafting these words.
Maybe M&S might now give us back all the 5ps they have taken from us all over the years in name of global warming given that the eco-mentalists have been shown to be a bunch of empty shirts. Do you think they will? No neither do I.
It might only be me but maybe this will put an end to the development of public and social policy aiming to fix Wonk Weather on basis of spurious unfounded and plain wrong science. As I have said all along Wonky Weather cannot be controlled. It just happens.
Before William the Conqueror landed on these shores we had a king called Ethelred who in a very public demonstration of his powerlessness proved that he could not control the waves. Now the latest research from the weathermen proves that we cannot control Wonky Weather by getting us to pay more to fly, to drive our cars, dump our rubbish and even to carry our food home from the shops. Green taxes have or will do nothing for Wonky Weather. Best we stop pretending it will.
Have a great week.
And if you interested in reading a love story for our times, check out www.themarketingcomic.blogspot.com.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Friday 10 February 2012
Bonus ball
Is it only me...but what is sauce for the goose must be sauce for the gander.
As you know for the past few weeks public discussion forums whether they be on the airwaves, in print or in a digitised format, have been poisoned and hijacked by an indignant lynch mob, egged on by supporters of the Two Caesars and The Last Lot, expressing righteous indignation about the level of remuneration being paid to Head Honchos through an agreed bonus structure.
This lynch mob started and reached hysterical fever pitch with Head Honchos in the banks, whether supported by the taxpayer or not, but the contagion is now spreading to other industries, most notably recently the Fat Controller who runs the nation’s train set.
I fear it won’t stop there.
Now for public clarity it is my position that bonuses should be paid to reward the delivery of agreed objectives and should be aligned with the long term interests of shareholders. If those two criteria are met I have no issue with bonuses which should be a matter at the end of the day for the Board and shareholders of any business. It is most certainly not the business of politicians or the Great Unwashed.
This week I heard one of the lynch mob, and a senior supporter of Betty’s First Minister, and therefore by instinct ought to be on the side of free enterprise and individual responsibility, go on record and say ‘that he had a problem with bonuses paid just for doing your job’. And of course he was referring to bankers when he said that.
Now at one level I would agree with that but only if such sentiments were equally applied.
Let us examine closely the behaviours in recent months of the Mr Bob Crowe, and the pack of proletarian dinosaurs he leads as Head Honcho of the RMT. With bullying skill and by holding Transport for London and other rail company Head Honchos to ransom over the Olympics, something the bankers and others have not done, he has bullied them into paying a bonus to his followers just for doing their jobs through the Olympics. Pray tell how this is different, apart from the quantum, from the bankers and others.
Will these dinosaurs be driving one extra train or bus through the Olympics? No.
Will they be driving any faster? No.
Will they be carrying more passengers? Maybe a smidgeon more but this hardly puts extra strain or effort on the train driver.
So what exactly are these people doing to justify their bonus?
Now it might only be me but if Head Honchos are going to be pilloried, lynched and eviscerated in full public view for taking what they are rightfully owed then maybe we should be taking a long hard look and be equally vicious about everyone else who is paid a bonus of whatever amount just for doing their job. And let’s start with Mr Crowe and his minions.
Alternatively maybe the Head Honchos of our banks and other places should threaten to go on strike through the Olympic period until their justifiable wage demands are met. If you think train drivers on strike might be a problem, that’s a picnic compared to the damage that would be done if the banks were to close down. Fortunately our Head Honchos are gentlemen, despite the efforts of the Bully Boys.
Have a great week.
And if you are looking for even more intelligent conversation through the week check out www.themarketingcomic.blogspot.com.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
As you know for the past few weeks public discussion forums whether they be on the airwaves, in print or in a digitised format, have been poisoned and hijacked by an indignant lynch mob, egged on by supporters of the Two Caesars and The Last Lot, expressing righteous indignation about the level of remuneration being paid to Head Honchos through an agreed bonus structure.
This lynch mob started and reached hysterical fever pitch with Head Honchos in the banks, whether supported by the taxpayer or not, but the contagion is now spreading to other industries, most notably recently the Fat Controller who runs the nation’s train set.
I fear it won’t stop there.
Now for public clarity it is my position that bonuses should be paid to reward the delivery of agreed objectives and should be aligned with the long term interests of shareholders. If those two criteria are met I have no issue with bonuses which should be a matter at the end of the day for the Board and shareholders of any business. It is most certainly not the business of politicians or the Great Unwashed.
This week I heard one of the lynch mob, and a senior supporter of Betty’s First Minister, and therefore by instinct ought to be on the side of free enterprise and individual responsibility, go on record and say ‘that he had a problem with bonuses paid just for doing your job’. And of course he was referring to bankers when he said that.
Now at one level I would agree with that but only if such sentiments were equally applied.
Let us examine closely the behaviours in recent months of the Mr Bob Crowe, and the pack of proletarian dinosaurs he leads as Head Honcho of the RMT. With bullying skill and by holding Transport for London and other rail company Head Honchos to ransom over the Olympics, something the bankers and others have not done, he has bullied them into paying a bonus to his followers just for doing their jobs through the Olympics. Pray tell how this is different, apart from the quantum, from the bankers and others.
Will these dinosaurs be driving one extra train or bus through the Olympics? No.
Will they be driving any faster? No.
Will they be carrying more passengers? Maybe a smidgeon more but this hardly puts extra strain or effort on the train driver.
So what exactly are these people doing to justify their bonus?
Now it might only be me but if Head Honchos are going to be pilloried, lynched and eviscerated in full public view for taking what they are rightfully owed then maybe we should be taking a long hard look and be equally vicious about everyone else who is paid a bonus of whatever amount just for doing their job. And let’s start with Mr Crowe and his minions.
Alternatively maybe the Head Honchos of our banks and other places should threaten to go on strike through the Olympic period until their justifiable wage demands are met. If you think train drivers on strike might be a problem, that’s a picnic compared to the damage that would be done if the banks were to close down. Fortunately our Head Honchos are gentlemen, despite the efforts of the Bully Boys.
Have a great week.
And if you are looking for even more intelligent conversation through the week check out www.themarketingcomic.blogspot.com.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Thursday 9 February 2012
Above the law
Is it only me...but this is not legal.
I was hoping that these words would provide a safe haven and refuge from all the hysteria surrounding the sacking of England’s Head Honcho in charge of football but sadly we must intervene with some words of wit and caution.
Now to be honest when it comes to England and football I adopt ‘A Gone with the Wind’ approach and quite frankly, I couldn’t give a damn. However it does incense me when despite everything else going on in the world the broadcast media in this country seem to have made the editorial decision that this is the only thing that matters to anyone. Really? And it was for this reason that I was going to ignore it and I apologise to all you good folk for breaching this vow to myself. I am so weak!
Putting to one side the observation that if I was alleged to have made racist remarks in my workplace, I would be suspended forthwith; and ignoring the fact that no one else I know, though I do know very few in this position, has the power to arrange their court schedule to suit their diary; there is one other aspect of this issue that sorely troubles me and provides yet further evidence that football and those who play this game seem to think that they are above the law.
From every corner of the green and pleasant land that many have come to call England, the cry has gone up, with the vigour and emotional loquacity of Henry V before Agincourt, that the next England Head Honcho must be an Englishman.
This is illegal.
Under EU law there is freedom of movement of labour meaning that English jobs cannot be reserved for Englishmen and that any EU national has the right to be considered for any job within the EU. I don’t think, though I might be wrong, that when the various EU treaties incorporating this right were being discussed, that anyone on our side of the discussions negotiated a veto or opt out from this directive for England Head Honchos in charge of soccer.
I also believe UK law also applies here and that women too must be considered for this role and given equal opportunity to apply and be considered. The same applies to every other minority in this country though it baffles me how women can be considered a minority though in world of Soccer Head Honchos operating at a senior level we are still waiting for that Maggie Thatcher moment.
It might only be me but soccer is not above the law and to apply the law in the case of England’s Head Honcho, the best person regardless of gender, race, age and creed must be given the job, provided of course they were born in the EU or have the relevant work permit.
And I offer this advice as a well-meaning Celt who only wants to see England do well! And that was said with all sincerity.
Have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
I was hoping that these words would provide a safe haven and refuge from all the hysteria surrounding the sacking of England’s Head Honcho in charge of football but sadly we must intervene with some words of wit and caution.
Now to be honest when it comes to England and football I adopt ‘A Gone with the Wind’ approach and quite frankly, I couldn’t give a damn. However it does incense me when despite everything else going on in the world the broadcast media in this country seem to have made the editorial decision that this is the only thing that matters to anyone. Really? And it was for this reason that I was going to ignore it and I apologise to all you good folk for breaching this vow to myself. I am so weak!
Putting to one side the observation that if I was alleged to have made racist remarks in my workplace, I would be suspended forthwith; and ignoring the fact that no one else I know, though I do know very few in this position, has the power to arrange their court schedule to suit their diary; there is one other aspect of this issue that sorely troubles me and provides yet further evidence that football and those who play this game seem to think that they are above the law.
From every corner of the green and pleasant land that many have come to call England, the cry has gone up, with the vigour and emotional loquacity of Henry V before Agincourt, that the next England Head Honcho must be an Englishman.
This is illegal.
Under EU law there is freedom of movement of labour meaning that English jobs cannot be reserved for Englishmen and that any EU national has the right to be considered for any job within the EU. I don’t think, though I might be wrong, that when the various EU treaties incorporating this right were being discussed, that anyone on our side of the discussions negotiated a veto or opt out from this directive for England Head Honchos in charge of soccer.
I also believe UK law also applies here and that women too must be considered for this role and given equal opportunity to apply and be considered. The same applies to every other minority in this country though it baffles me how women can be considered a minority though in world of Soccer Head Honchos operating at a senior level we are still waiting for that Maggie Thatcher moment.
It might only be me but soccer is not above the law and to apply the law in the case of England’s Head Honcho, the best person regardless of gender, race, age and creed must be given the job, provided of course they were born in the EU or have the relevant work permit.
And I offer this advice as a well-meaning Celt who only wants to see England do well! And that was said with all sincerity.
Have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Monday 6 February 2012
Jack the knife
Is it only me...but this is really snow joke but I have a cunning plan to fix.
Once again we have almost ground to standstill after a few flurries of snow. We are always so badly prepared.
Fortunately on this occasion the disruption and chaos did not seem to last as long as before otherwise like always we would have been really caught out.
And it was so pleasing to hear some hapless Apparatchik from our Highways Agency, the people who on average close a motorway for 6 hours after a prang, defending the performance of the Wombles for keeping the roads open, despite the fact that people had been stranded overnight on the M25 and countless other roads closed by jack knifed lorries. If this was a good performance I would hate to see what a bad performance looks like. I’m sure those stranded will take great comfort knowing that the Wombles performed out of their skin.
Interesting to hear too the Head Honcho at Heathrow Airport smugly satisfied with his performance because only half the flights were cancelled. And that’s a good performance. Clearly I work to different standards to these people.
Now even though the eco-mentalists believe, contrary to the obvious point, that these occurrences of snow in winter are yet more evidence of global warming, and I will let you work out the logic of that, it is clear to me, despite my lack of a scientific background, that winter snow is as predictable as Christmas in December. Given this drastic measures are called for to keep our roads and motorway network running more smoothly than the Highways Agency and the Wombles seem capable of achieving.
If we adopt the principles of root cause analysis, a technique introduced by the Japanese to improve the quality of their Datsuns, Hondas and Nissans with devastating effect, my analysis based on the evidence presented by Radio 5 traffic announcers, would appear to show that the root cause of many road closures in the snow and ice is caused by lorries jack knifing.
And when a lorry jack knifes it tends to spread-eagle itself across as many lanes as possible causing a blockage. And heaven forbid should a Womble be able to re-open a road in under 6 hours. He would be letting the others down.
Now it might only be me but the answer is devastatingly obvious. At the first sign of snow and ice ban the lorries from the road unless they are equipped with anti-jack knife gear, should such technology exist.
Now you might think this a touch draconian but we do after all ban lorries and other high sided vehicles from certain roads and bridges in high winds so there is a precedent. And surely this would help the Wombles keep the roads open, assuming they agree this is what they are paid to do, when the first flurry of snow appears and prevent drivers from having to spend more days and nights parked up in their cars on our motorway network.
Now that’s the roads fixed, all I have to do now is get our airports and rail network snow resistant. Think I will leave that for another week.
Have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Once again we have almost ground to standstill after a few flurries of snow. We are always so badly prepared.
Fortunately on this occasion the disruption and chaos did not seem to last as long as before otherwise like always we would have been really caught out.
And it was so pleasing to hear some hapless Apparatchik from our Highways Agency, the people who on average close a motorway for 6 hours after a prang, defending the performance of the Wombles for keeping the roads open, despite the fact that people had been stranded overnight on the M25 and countless other roads closed by jack knifed lorries. If this was a good performance I would hate to see what a bad performance looks like. I’m sure those stranded will take great comfort knowing that the Wombles performed out of their skin.
Interesting to hear too the Head Honcho at Heathrow Airport smugly satisfied with his performance because only half the flights were cancelled. And that’s a good performance. Clearly I work to different standards to these people.
Now even though the eco-mentalists believe, contrary to the obvious point, that these occurrences of snow in winter are yet more evidence of global warming, and I will let you work out the logic of that, it is clear to me, despite my lack of a scientific background, that winter snow is as predictable as Christmas in December. Given this drastic measures are called for to keep our roads and motorway network running more smoothly than the Highways Agency and the Wombles seem capable of achieving.
If we adopt the principles of root cause analysis, a technique introduced by the Japanese to improve the quality of their Datsuns, Hondas and Nissans with devastating effect, my analysis based on the evidence presented by Radio 5 traffic announcers, would appear to show that the root cause of many road closures in the snow and ice is caused by lorries jack knifing.
And when a lorry jack knifes it tends to spread-eagle itself across as many lanes as possible causing a blockage. And heaven forbid should a Womble be able to re-open a road in under 6 hours. He would be letting the others down.
Now it might only be me but the answer is devastatingly obvious. At the first sign of snow and ice ban the lorries from the road unless they are equipped with anti-jack knife gear, should such technology exist.
Now you might think this a touch draconian but we do after all ban lorries and other high sided vehicles from certain roads and bridges in high winds so there is a precedent. And surely this would help the Wombles keep the roads open, assuming they agree this is what they are paid to do, when the first flurry of snow appears and prevent drivers from having to spend more days and nights parked up in their cars on our motorway network.
Now that’s the roads fixed, all I have to do now is get our airports and rail network snow resistant. Think I will leave that for another week.
Have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
Thursday 2 February 2012
Taxing times
Is it only me...but this man has done nothing wrong...another one.
This has not been a good week for those of us trying to run businesses and doing our best to build customer focused enterprises.
Firstly Stephen Hester takes a kicking for having the nerve to take what he is entitled to; then, despite my pleas to the contrary, the Apparatchiks egged on by the Two Caesars and the Last Lot, decide to treat Sir Fred Goodwin in the same way as Anthony Blunt, Robert Mugabe and Nicolae Ceausescu and give him a right going over for doing the right thing for his shareholders; and now Ed Lester, CEO at the Student Loans Company, is being pummelled because he took action to minimise his tax bill, legally.
It is time to put an end to this hysterical lynch mob and learn to revere and respect our business leaders before they decide to jack it all in and retreat to living on benefits, albeit if they are capped at £34,000 gross.
All of us want to pay less tax. And many of us take whatever actions we can take to minimise the tax avoidance opportunities available to us. We save through tax free ISAa. We invest in tax free pensions. We optimise the tax benefits from things like nursery vouchers and the like. And don’t we all take of advantage of every allowance going that will reduce our tax bill. All perfectly legal and above board.
And this is all that Ed Lester did. He took perfectly sensible steps to minimise his tax bill. So why the fuss?
It is also worth pointing out that lest anyone think that Mr Lester is not paying any tax whatsoever, he will be paying VAT on any fees he receives, corporation tax on profits from his own private company and income tax on any dividends or salary payments he receives from said company. He will be responsible for his own pension provision and will not be entitled to any of the company perks and conditions of service that many of us think of as a right of employment. So it’s swings and roundabouts for Mr Lester.
And to make matters worse, parliamentary time is being used up to discuss and debate this issue. The Public Accounts Committee is to investigate. And Treasury Apparatchiks are combing every nook and cranny at our expense trying to work out who said what to whom and when. All perfectly acceptable actions to take if wrong doing was involved but while tax evasion is illegal, tax avoidance is not.
Yet again another innocent man is hounded and pilloried and torn apart by a pack of political wolfhounds. Do you think our political elite might be trying to deflect attention from something? I wonder.
It might only be me but I would like to suggest that since this man and the other businessmen mentioned above had done nothing wrong, that our Politicos stop hounding those who are trying to do the right thing and they start to focus on the issues of import that I am paying you to address. And that does not include chocolate oranges, totally legal business behaviours or wonky weather.
Have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
This has not been a good week for those of us trying to run businesses and doing our best to build customer focused enterprises.
Firstly Stephen Hester takes a kicking for having the nerve to take what he is entitled to; then, despite my pleas to the contrary, the Apparatchiks egged on by the Two Caesars and the Last Lot, decide to treat Sir Fred Goodwin in the same way as Anthony Blunt, Robert Mugabe and Nicolae Ceausescu and give him a right going over for doing the right thing for his shareholders; and now Ed Lester, CEO at the Student Loans Company, is being pummelled because he took action to minimise his tax bill, legally.
It is time to put an end to this hysterical lynch mob and learn to revere and respect our business leaders before they decide to jack it all in and retreat to living on benefits, albeit if they are capped at £34,000 gross.
All of us want to pay less tax. And many of us take whatever actions we can take to minimise the tax avoidance opportunities available to us. We save through tax free ISAa. We invest in tax free pensions. We optimise the tax benefits from things like nursery vouchers and the like. And don’t we all take of advantage of every allowance going that will reduce our tax bill. All perfectly legal and above board.
And this is all that Ed Lester did. He took perfectly sensible steps to minimise his tax bill. So why the fuss?
It is also worth pointing out that lest anyone think that Mr Lester is not paying any tax whatsoever, he will be paying VAT on any fees he receives, corporation tax on profits from his own private company and income tax on any dividends or salary payments he receives from said company. He will be responsible for his own pension provision and will not be entitled to any of the company perks and conditions of service that many of us think of as a right of employment. So it’s swings and roundabouts for Mr Lester.
And to make matters worse, parliamentary time is being used up to discuss and debate this issue. The Public Accounts Committee is to investigate. And Treasury Apparatchiks are combing every nook and cranny at our expense trying to work out who said what to whom and when. All perfectly acceptable actions to take if wrong doing was involved but while tax evasion is illegal, tax avoidance is not.
Yet again another innocent man is hounded and pilloried and torn apart by a pack of political wolfhounds. Do you think our political elite might be trying to deflect attention from something? I wonder.
It might only be me but I would like to suggest that since this man and the other businessmen mentioned above had done nothing wrong, that our Politicos stop hounding those who are trying to do the right thing and they start to focus on the issues of import that I am paying you to address. And that does not include chocolate oranges, totally legal business behaviours or wonky weather.
Have a great week.
Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.
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