Hellish weekend

Welcome.

And no the road has not yet been fixed. And yes it remains dug up and unsutured. But it is time to move on and so we are going to dwell no longer this week on the state of the roads around the Cicero Villa.

Time this week to consider what it means to be a customer. But first a wee story.

Once upon a time a man (it could have been a woman but let’s keep it simple) died and went to heaven. As is the norm he arrived at the Pearly Gates and was met by St Peter (or the Muslim, Sikh, Hindu equivalent) who made him a special offer.

‘For this weekend only we have a deal going with the Devil. You are expected in here but for the weekend you can sample Hell. For the next 2 days and 2 nights you can experience all that Hell has to offer but when you come back to these Gates, you must give me a decision and you will have to live with that decision for eternity.’

‘Sounds fair enough to me, in for a penny, in for a pound’, replied the former man, and off he went to try out all that Hell had to offer.

And he was pleasantly surprised. It was great. He met many of his old friends and colleagues, the weather was fantastic and every whim and need was catered for. It was a bit like a Club Med exclusive holiday.

After his 2 days were over he dragged himself off and went back to the Pearly Gates to give St Peter his answer.

‘Now you know the deal’, said St Peter, ‘you can either come in here or go back to Hell but whatever you decide, then you will have to live with the consequences forever.’

‘After much consideration’, replied the man, ‘Hell was not what I thought it would be like and all my mates are there and so I choose Hell’.

And with that the gates to Heaven slammed shut and the man was immediately dumped back in Hell. But this time it was so different-it was dark, very hot and totally soulless. In short it was hellish.

After a wee while in the place the man eventually spied the Devil and called him over.

‘Hey, I was here over the weekend for a couple of days and it was very different-it was like a holiday in paradise before. What happened? Where’s the fun? The great weather? The sea, the sun, the Sangria?’

‘Ah’, said the Devil, ‘yesterday you were a prospect, today you’re a customer’.

And for many of us this tale captures what it means to be a customer.

Think about it. Banks, phone companies, utility companies and many others reserve the best deal for new customers while existing customers have to pay the price. Many think this wrong.

But we only have ourselves to blame.

Companies offering their best deals to existing customers would soon go out of business and wouldn’t attract any new customers. We choose to buy insurance, a new mobile phone, our gas company, on the basis of price. And we stick there through thick and thin even though we know new customers are getting a better deal. What do we expect?

So what’s the answer?

Firstly we as consumers must learn that there is more than price to consider when shopping around. And we should shop around and move our business around more. Make it really painful for brands to take our custm for granted. Not enough of us are doing that at the moment.
And brand owners must not take the lazy way of winning business-cutting price. Instead they should try to build a brand and brand loyalty based on more than just price.

Until that happens we are all fated to spend together in Hell.

Is it only me..............but I can’t stay mum on this.

Last week in my capacity as a Head Honcho I was asked to sign off about 3 weeks holidays by one who has the pleasure and privilege of working with me on a daily basis.

Nothing unusual in that, you might think. Signing off and agreeing to holiday leave is a fairly regular and non-controversial occurrence in offices up and down the land. In this instance however the person in question has just returned from a year’s maternity leave and is now endeavouring to squeeze 3 weeks leave before the year end.

I was a wee bit amazed that my esteemed colleague had so much leave available given that she has not be seen in the office for the past 9 months so you can imagine my incredulity when informed that even though someone has been playing Mummy for the past few months they are still entitled to all the benefits and privileges of a worker even though they have not been present in the office.

And yes you have heard me right. Even if you have been away from the office for a year bringing up baby, you are still entitled to your ration of annual leave. Seemingly it’s the law.

Now let me say at the outset that my issue here is not with the person requesting leave but with the dumb Apparatchik and Politico who agreed to such a practice in the first instance. Methinks I detect the hand of Harry Harperson from the Last Lot behind this madness.

I would love to understand the rationale for this for I can see none.

Some people may go on about fairness and equality but what is fair and equal about this. I do believe it right and fair that Mummys, Yummy or otherwise, should be entitled to come back to work but is it fair that Mummys who have been away from their desk for a year should have the same rights and privileges as the Stakhanovites who have toiled long and hard at their desks and workstations to keep the business going through one of the toughest economic periods we have seen? These are the folks who need time away from work to refresh and re-charge batteries and who deserve every pat on the back and going.

And has anyone considered the unintended consequences of policies like this? Do Harry Harperson and her Guardianista equality advisers not see that small businesses in particular will find ways, lawful of course, to avoid giving employment opportunities to women of child bearing age?

Now maybe it’s only me who thinks this way but I really can’t stay mum on this issue. No doubt I will get letters from the Guradianista Sisterhood but someone has to speak up and point out that the Emperor has no clothes.

Have a great week....especially if you are having a baby.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Teachers have a lot to answer for

Greetings, amici.

You, loyal readers and devoted students of the works of Cicero, are owed an almighty apology for his enforced and prolonged absence from these pages for the past few weeks. Fortunately your patience is today rewarded and we are back with more words of wit and wisdom. Apologies.

And lest you were wondering, and you will find this difficult to believe, but since we were last together the Navvies who have been ‘working’, and we use this word advisedly as not one has been seen actually expending energy on the task in hand, on the Viae around Cicero’s humble abode, have made little progress to date on suturing said Viae. This is getting beyond a joke. Words have been said though as usual these have fallen on deaf ears with the usual cry of the indolent around these parts ‘nothing to do with me, guv, I’m only doing my job’. Shocking.

Now you don’t come here to hear Cicero moan so let’s see what goodies we have in store for you today.

When Cicero was young, and here we mean very young, He was always doing poorly in maths, a talent that still sadly eludes Him. His teacher would keep telling Cicero that He needed to show the workings to get top marks.

‘But why’ Cicero would repeatedly ask,’ am I not getting top marks even though my answer is right?’

‘Because’ replied the teacher, ‘you might just be guessing the answer unless I see how you got there. How else can I tell if your thinking process is right?’

This is nonsense.

No wonder as a nation we are lacking in creativity and imagination if we need to see the working outs all the time. There are some things that just can’t be worked out logically and with process.

Einstein once said, and you can’t get any greater endorsement than Einstein for a wacky idea, “First we make the intuitive leap then we use logic to build a bridge back to where we started.”

Now in Cicero’s school such an approach would only have got you half marks but this is the kind of thinking that breeds not stifles creativity.

In the world created by our schools we're really not that interested in the answer but much more interested in how you got there-if the thinking’s right, the answer must be right.

But that kind of thinking stops us going beyond logic. It stops the creative leap. It assumes logic is the be-all and end-all. The Dyson, the iPad and Google were invented not because of our school system but despite it.

In Cicero’s world of Marketing Luvvies and Marketing Head Honchos ideas are the fuel that gets us through the day. The traditional model says that great ideas should flow from the brief but why can’t the brief be retrospectively altered to suit a great idea.

Normally that would be heresy. Surely the brief is sacrosanct.

But if we look at it another way the brief is the working out in the margin, the process by which we get there, the brake on the creative leap.

At this point traditional Luvvies will be spluttering into their cocktails and designer beer. How will we know if we've got the right answer if it doesn’t fit the working-out in the margin? And what if you got the right answer by the wrong method? Then it can’t be valid. Better to have the wrong answer by the right method.

But consider this. 4% of advertising is remembered positively, 7% is remembered negatively, but a whopping 89% isn’t noticed or remembered. Probably because that 89% all looks the same. And maybe there is a reason for that.

Teachers have a lot to answer for.

Is it only me......but surely it’s now time to hit the road.

The brass neck of some people really does rile me.

It is with a mounting sense of frustration, incredulity and choleric rage that I, along with many other right minded people, have been following the attempts by Basildon Council to evict and move on a bunch of so called travellers who have flagrantly and blatantly broken planning law. For 10 years the Apparatchiks at Basildon Council, the heart of Essex-dom, have fought these people. I am sure that my council would not fight me for 10 years if I had built so much as a shed on my wee plot. I am sure that JCBs and Navvies with picks and shovels would be in before I was able to say ‘Council Tax’.

It goes without saying that Human Rights have been invoked, notwithstanding the Human Rights of those unfortunate to live in the vicinity of this so called peace camp. And it is amazing that even the United Nations has intervened. You would have thought that with its members at war with each other and others demonstrating genocidal tendencies, the UN might have bigger fish to fry.

We also have the claims of some of these people that the camp is full of children, old people and cancer sufferers and that it is so unfair of the Apparatchiks to throw them out onto the roadside, nearly ignoring the inconvenient fact that these Apparatchiks have offered each and every camp dweller a house, which is more than they deserve. We even have camp spokespeople saying stupid things like ‘"But we've got nowhere to go. We don't know what's going to happen to us’’. Poor you. You have had 10 years to get yourself organised.

Now I always like to be constructive in my criticism, always looking to be helpful and to offer some tips and advice. And even though I find the claims and behaviour of these people objectionable, I think it only fair that I still try to help.

If you really have nowhere to go, might I point out that you are a traveller and travellers, well, travel. If you and your chums at the UN are so determined to preserve your way of life as travellers, it might be better if you hit the road now before you lost the art of travelling. I know it might already be too late. After all you have now been static for at least 10 years but since you still claim traveller status and you think this might entitle you to be treated as if you have protected geographical status, like champagne, the Cornish pasty and the Arbroath Smokie, I would suggest you get travelling pronto and save everyone a whole heap of trouble and expense.

Have a great week, travelling or not.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.