For whom the bell tolls

Bonjour.

Very little feedback on last week’s words of wit and wisdom so obviously not thought provoking or unreasonable enough for you, the only true test for this column. Dearie me.

But we did get a comment from a doctor, no less. We are moving up in the world. And the really scary thing about his comment is that he agrees with our diagnosis on the NHS. Even he, with initials before and after his name, can’t get an appointment either. This is more serious than we thought. We shall return to this topic.
Anyone else from the NHS care to comment?

And someone did ask why someone like Cicero is using the NHS with all its flaws, defects and problems. It is assumed that Cicero would pay for medical treatment to avoid having to queue with the great unwashed. You forget whence Cicero comes...why pay again for something which has already been paid for and when it can be obtained for ‘free’?

Today we are going to set a wee test and I would like as many of you possible to write in with your thoughts. There will be a prize. And even though this competition will test your creative juices it will have great relevance to all of us in business. Even Apparatchiks can play this game though its real world relevance might be limited though there is no need why it should be.

One day the great Ernest Hemingway was challenged, no doubt in a bar over a couple of Ryes and soda, his tipple of choice, to write a story in six words or less.

Ern thought about it for a moment, grabbed pen and paper and wrote this emotional, intriguing and cliff hanging yarn

‘For sale. Baby’s shoes. Never worn.’

Now this tale might lack the polish and finish of say ‘The Da Vinci Code’. It might not be enough to amuse you on a long journey. And it is unlikely to be made into a movie. But it is one helluva of a story and the sequel is sure to be umissable.

And so your test this week is to come up with a similar work in fiction in six words or less and as promised there will be a prize for the winner.

But let’s not stop there for we can apply the Hemingway test to many situations.

For example last week Cicero was challenged to apply the Hemingway Test to come up with a reason why anyone should want to buy the Luvvie Brand where he is currently plying his trade.

Could you come up with a compelling, engaging, relevant and distinctive story to explain your brand in six words or less? Go on, try it. Yes, that’s you, do it now. Even if you are working in Third Sector as we now call charities, this applies to you. Remember you too are in competition for donations and handouts so you too must be able to do the Hemingway Test.

And just think too of all the money that could be saved on mission and vision statements if Head Honchos could develop in less than 6 words a compelling story why their people should get out of bed and come into work inspired and motivated to build the brand across every touch point.

You may have heard this before but it is always apposite to quote the cleaner at NASA asked by JFK what her job was replied

‘My job, sir, is to help put a man on the moon’.

Nothing long winded about that. And exciting, inspiring and motivating. Hemingway would be proud. Now let’s see if you can do any better.

Is it only me..........but here’s a funny thing

Within hours of the recent tragedy in Japan my phone was awash with text jokes finding humour in this situation. And in parallel my inbox was soon filled with humour in the same vein. Now this is not the place to disseminate further this kind of humour so if you came here looking for sick jokes, then you have come to the wrong place, pal.

Now the same thing happened after the Christchurch earthquake, the death of Michael Jackson, indeed after any sad event sick, deranged and depraved humour swiftly criss-crosses the globe. Indeed there were even jokes from those with racist tendencies following the recent victory of the Welsh tribes over the Pictish tribes. How sick can you get?

Indeed I have heard from one devotee reader of these pages whose works takes him away from civilisation for long periods of time, that when he eventually reaches shores and approaches a mobile phone signal sick texts are what alerts him and his mates to news of tragic import that they will have missed while they were ruling the waves on our behalf. Surely a better source of reliable news than the usual news outlets. Sir John Reith, eat your heart out!

Now we may think that jokes in such taste are inherently bad and sick but I am sure that many psychologists will agree that black humour can be a very effective antidote to tragedy and provide an escape value for society allowing it to grieve and share emotions safely. Well at least that’s my defence and for those of you in receipt of my texts and mails in this vein, please remember that I am in fact performing a useful social service.

Now it might only be me but I am always curious as to where these jokes that travel and cross borders with such ease, actually start. Who is sitting there with pen and finger poised over PC or phone or iThingymybob keyboard scanning the news from around the world looking for the any item announcing the arrival of any one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

I would love to trace these so called jokes back to their source. Is there a factory or somewhere in the Developing World or a sweat shop in the back streets of some northern town where labourers toil for long hours earning a pittance working without the protection of Employment, Health and Safety and Minimum Wage Laws turning out these gags? If so we should inform the Guardianistas. They hate this kind of thing.

If anyone knows how and where these jokes start can they please let us know.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Dear John

In the words of Neil Diamond, hello again, my friend.

Did you read last week’s comments? If so you will know that we have knowingly converted to our rational point of view our first Apparatchik Guardianista. Welcome to our world, hopefully you will stay a convert. It is never too late to learn and as Professor Brian Cox once said ‘things can only get better’. Bet you never thought that Cicero knew so many contemporary cultural references.

Last week Cicero received a ‘Dear John’ letter.

Now before you all get your hankies out and weep for Cicero at this emotional tragedy, there is something you need to know.

Now contrary to popular belief Cicero is very au fait with the digital world and to ensure his knowledge and understanding is up to date has subscribed to many newsletters and e-mails from companies around the world offering to keep him up to speed with all the latest developments.

Those of you who also follow this practice will be aware that in-boxes rapidly become filled and so last week Cicero took the unprecedented decision to unsubscribe. Shock, horror!

And do you know what this company said in return, and here we are quoting verbatim
‘Remove me! You have now been removed from our database. Good luck’
It felt as if unsubscribers had moved beyond the pale and been surgically taken out. And why was good luck required. Surely it is possible to subsist without the help and influence of this company.

Now this is a big trick that marketers are missing and like all other touch points surely it should be possible for breaking up to be not quite as painful. After all you may well have invested a lot of money and energy getting a subscriber so why just say ‘see you around sometime’ when the divorce happens. Why not make a wee bit more effort to keep the door open?

Many brands are failing to embrace the marketing opportunity created by consumers unsubscribing from their marketing emails. They are dismissing consumers who fall out of love with their emails as lost causes rather than enabling them to enhance their relationship with the brand in a different way.

It would have been nice when waving goodbye if Cicero’s ex dot com buddy had at least said thank you for your custom and for your interest.

Perhaps too it could have asked for feedback. How about giving customers the opportunity to tell you exactly where you went wrong, and to let you know just how much all of your email communication flaws and bad habits deterred them.

Another option might be to offer customer the option of less frequent emails. This is exactly what M&S does. Or even more relevant e-mails.

These are just a few suggestions. There will be many more approaches out there to help ease the pain of digital break ups. And if you have any great examples, please do share.

Get it right and your Dear Johns need not be adieu but merely au revoir and a bientot too.

Is it only me.................but how do you get to see a doctor?

Now fortunately I am blessed with good health apart from of course from failing eyesight as tempus fugit, the odd dodgy knee and a few patches of rough skin. Other than that I am hale and hearty and rarely need to trouble the medical profession. And despite the massive transfer of my wealth into the NHS on a monthly basis I do not begrudge paying it though I do wish that the Apparatchiks who run this esteemed institution did learn to spend my money a wee bit more wisely than hitherto and did spend as if it was their own money and with less profligacy.

However the other week I ailed and required the services of the medical profession and I learnt just how difficult it is to see a doctor, despite you would have thought the quacks considering me essential to treat given that I, and quite a few others like me, are the people who bankroll the NHS.

Now in theory it should be possible to get a same day appointment. The key word here is theory. The phone lines open at 8am and by 8.05 same day appointments had disappeared faster than Take That tickets disappear though it is mystery to me why these would disappear with great alacrity. Still no accounting for taste. Anyway the Moll who runs the reception services could offer me no adequate explanation why appointments should disappear so quickly. It is not like we have a shortage of quacks, we must have at least 10. So I can only surmise that a) there is an epidemic where I lay my hat b) I reside in a particularly ill area c) appointment slots are being bought up by touts and sold on to the highest bidder.

Now the natural thing when you are unable to book for later in the day is to request an appointment for the following day. But no that is not possible. Despite this being the logical and rational approach, well at least to those of us with imagination and common sense, I was informed by the Doctor’s Moll that this was impossible as I would have to ring back the next day.

Next day same result.

Day after same result.

Day after that I was cured.

Now I know this might be a way to save the NHS money but it might only be me but how exactly do you get an appointment these days to see a doctor. Some people manage it and they can’t all be buying appointment slots from the touts. It seems that if you are chronically sick and/or feckless and unemployed you know how the system works, you have been inducted into the mysteries of the appointment booking system and taught the password. But quite frankly these sorts of people are not the ones paying for the service.

On the other hand, the occasionally sick and full time funders of the service are out in the cold, fighting for the appointment booking scraps, never mind whether it fits with a window in their busy Blackberries. May I suggest that this is the wrong way round and the occasional sick should be prioritised and restored to health with great speed to earn the wealth we need to keep the service going for others?

A few years back I suggested an innovation-appointments for commuters. And behold this innovation was taken up though too few to make a difference and to get one of these you have to schedule your sickness a few weeks in advance.

We need more innovation. Any ideas?

Have a great week. And stay healthy.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

The compleat angler

Greetings

It seems that we are now able to annoy Guardianistas and Apparatchiks without even meaning to (see last week’s comments from Anonymous to understand). A rare skill indeed.

Is this the time to point out to the Apparatchiks and Guardianistas that they enjoy the kind of pension heavily subsidised in large part by the value creating taxpayer and squeezed middle who themselves do not get such generous settlements in old age? Can someone please explain why this is fair and equitable? God bless Lord Hutton for pointing out the inequity of this absurdity. And yet the Apparatchiks have the cheek to want to revolt. They should be want what they get, not get what they want.

But let us put this behind us and move on to discussing more worthwhile and interesting matters.

Cicero loves coaching. And he enjoys reading about coaches and how they help prepare their coachees to deliver great performances. This can only help Cicero continue in his role as sage, mentor and guru to Marketing Grands and Petits Fromages and to his many devotees who imbibe his every word.

And last week he spent a brief time in the company of one of rugby’s great coaches who passed on these wise words.

One day a hunter and a fisherman went away camping, resolving to experience nature and to live off the land. On day one there’s plenty of fish for the men to catch and both men were happy and fully fed. On the second day there were far fewer fishes in the river and the hunter is beginning to get agitated, no doubt beginning to feel the hunger pangs in his tummy and the slow steady onset of anorexia.

‘Be patient’, the fisherman tells him, ‘you must wait and see if any fish will come this way.’

Prepared to wait and confident in his skill as a fisherman, the fisherman catches one fish late in the day to keep starvation at bay through the night.

Day three and nothing is biting at all and the fisherman knows it is going to be one of those days and a long slog. ‘No fish today’, he says to the hunter, ‘that’s just the way it is.’

But the hunter doesn’t accept this. He fashions a spear from the boughs of some nearby tees, wades into the water and starts to walk upstream. Brushing the cold and wet to one side he eventually finds and spears a fish.

And the moral of the story-you have got to make things happen, you’ve got to get on the front foot and never accept that ‘this is just the way it is’. If it’s not a good day, you turn it round. You never ever shrug your shoulder and accept the status quo. As Ghandi might have said ‘you must be the change you want to see in the world’. Clearly he was a hunter and not a fisherman.

Now this moral works on a couple of levels.

First as a coach. We can help our people to get on the front foot, to explore and try new ways of doing things and thinking. And not just to accept that they can’t improve, get better or move from their comfort zone just because ‘that’s the way it is’. As coaches we can encourage our people and our business not to play the fisherman role but to wade into the water and go out and make things happen. That is why great businesses and good people succeed.

But we can also use such a philosophy to improve, challenge and question things that are wrong within our business and cause the interferences that make life difficult for our customers. We can refuse to accept the wrong and we can wade upstream within our business to right wrongs that we know or can see are agitating our customers. How many times as consumers do we encounter shop staff, call centre people, waiters and waitresses, and everyone else in the customer service business who excuse bad service on the grounds that ‘that’s just the way it is’. Nonsense, it can be changed if we can be bothered to change it. And nothing riles Cicero more than we comes across people, usually in Hi Viz vests, who just shrug at some absurdity or other and excuse it on the basis that ‘is just the way it is'. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

From now on, let’s resolve to be hunters. It will be better for our people, our customers and ultimately for our businesses. And that way none of us will starve to death.

Is it only me.........but this is dangerous.

I don’t know if it has ever struck you how inherently dangerous ‘average speed restrictions’ are on our motorways. Well it has struck me and hopefully the Two Caesars and their Apparatchik Little Helpers who work in the Highways Agency will take heed. Don’t hold your breath.

Now no doubt someone will point out based on spurious statistics that average speed restrictions through road works saves 1.72 lives a year. And no doubt too the eco-mentalists will point out that by reducing speed through the road works and for every county on either side of where the men in the Hi Viz vets are supposed to be digging, reduces our carbon emissions by 0.29g per annum. And so in the basis the Men from the Highway Agency will crack open the champers, say ‘job done’ and pay themselves a whopping Apparatchik bonus, or as I like to call it, transfer money from my pocket into their wallet.

But hold on a minute. Before we get carried away on a binge of righteous self congratulation, let us examine a few more facts.

Now we may not here have all the facts at our disposal but since when has that ever stopped anyone from making a point. However it has not escaped my attention that on a daily basis the Traffic Gals who populate our radio stations will report that the ‘M(insert number) has been closed for the past few days due to an incident(note-we no longer have accidents) in the roadworks’. And of course the road either side of said accident, sorry incident, will have been closed for at least 50 miles. No doubt to give the Wombles something to do in their 4x4s.

Now I have a theory why this might be the case.

These accidents are caused by drivers staring incessantly at the speedometer and feverishly calculating their average speed between the yellow sticks, instead of watching the road and concentrating on what is happening in front of them. And then bang, crash, wallop, another incident and another stretch of motorway turned into a car park for the next few days.

Now it might only be me but this is why average speed checks are so dangerous and should be banned. This might upset the eco-mentalists and Health and Safety Gauleiters (Motorways Branch) but quite frankly surely we can live with a few more grams of CO2. And does it not take a lot of energy and extra CO2 to repair all the cars damaged and written just because we have lost the art of mental arithmetic these days? I bet no one has included that in their calculations.

Have a great week. And drive safely.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

A very good question......

Greetings, amici.

Last week we managed to keep the Guardianistas quiet. Not sure if that is good news. No doubt they were pre-occupied with helping immigrants to this country obtain benefits or fighting to maximise the amount we taxpayers re-distribute to others through so called ‘progressive taxation’. Why is regressive taxation such a bad thing?

Last week Cicero was asked a very good question. It was so good that Cicero was stopped in his tracks and took a few more days to ponder and develop a meaningful response. Hence the reason we are a day or two late. Hopefully the delay will be worth it as you will be the first to hear Cicero’s latest theorem.
And the question............

First a bit of background.

Cicero has recently collaborated with and indeed presented on a new report dedicated to building brands from the inside out. In essence it is Cicero’s belief that Marketing Grands and Petits Fromages over emphasise brand building with consumers and pay little attention to ensuring that the people who deliver the brand and customer experience day in and day out understand and are fully aligned with the brand and its promise. This is wrong. If we do not pay sufficient heed to this important aspect of the brand we are just applying lipstick to the pig.

And in response to this Cicero was asked ‘how do you measure internal brand awareness?’ ’ Great question. Let me get back to you on that one.’

And so after a wee ponder, we now have an answer. And you are going to hear it first. And as with much else the solution is probably quite simple and straightforward. But it is an important issue if we remember that what gets measured gets done.

Clearly the most logical way to measure internal brand awareness is through some kind of survey and the most obvious way to do this would be to tag some interesting questions onto a Staff Attitude Survey, or SAS, which is quite appropriate really given that in this area those who dare will well and truly win.

But it is not enough just to measure Awareness. We must also measure Belief and Credibility. And there we have it-the ABC model of internal branding. , a new model at the heart of internal branding. As already said you have heard it here first. It is worth coming back to see what we are saying and discussing here.

Our people must not just be Aware of what the brand stands for and what it means for how they might do business but they also must Believe in the brand, its values and its promise. And critically too the brand must be seen as being at the very heart of the way the business operates. This is what makes the brand truly Credible in the eyes of our people.

So what questions should we ask our people to understand our ABC score? Here are five for starters:
• How well do you understand the brand idea?
• Do you know what this means for how you do your job?
• Do you believe in the values of this business?
• Do you share these values?
• Do you think we put these values at the heart of the way we do business?

What do you think?

And as was said a few paragraphs back the answer is quite straightforward and simple. It is almost as easy as ABC. Now all that needs to happen is for businesses and more specifically Marketing Grand Fromages to take the issue of internal branding a tad more seriously. But that is a whole different ball game. At least we now know how to track progress.

Is it only me............but who cares?

Well the Royal Wedding preparations are starting to run through the gears and our glamour-loving-forelock-tugging-royalty-fawning-glitz-sycophantic media too are cranking up the gears to full speed. The Arab world is in full scale revolt, petrol prices inexorably rising and Brits trapped in the sand pit of North Africa screaming at the Two Caesars to get them out of here, even though they went of their own free will into one of the most unstable regions on the planet to earn well above the going rate.

But while all this going on our Golden Royal Couple stepped into the limelight. Firstly in North Wales and then in St Andrews where love’s young dream first met. Bless.

In North Wales, as reported on the BBC, and let no one here say that the BBC is dumbing down and going down the star struck route, a young woman, 28, ‘sang the Welsh national anthem, as well as a hymn in Welsh’.

Shock. Horror. Someone has sung the Welsh National Anthem in Welsh. Is there any other way to sing the Welsh National Anthem? Tens of thousands sung it in Welsh at recent rugby matches. Did we hold the front page for that?

And we are also told that the same young lady ‘wore a cream tailored coat, with brown collar and had her hair swept up into a pony tail and fastened with a black feathered fascinator’ while the young man accompanying her ‘wore a dark suit and winter coat, buttoned up against the wind.’ Go down the Tube every day and you will see loads and loads of men wearing dark suits and winter coats though admittedly fascinators, which look like road kill, are a wee bit rarer on the Tube these days.

Now it might only be me but who cares what someone is singing and in what language or what he or she is wearing? That is not news. The BBC is supposed to be the international standard for journalism. If this is the case worldwide journalism is sinking fast. It is time to remember the Lord Harmsworth dictum that "when a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if a man bites a dog, that is news."

Woman singing the Welsh National Anthem is not news but trivia. As is man wears darks suit. It is time for journalists to be journalists and not trivialists.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.