Lightbulb moment

Is it only me...but I now know why I am making a spectacle of myself these days.

For years and years I had perfect eyesight and while other people were squinting to read things at distance this was never a problem for me.
‘Can you read that?’ many people would say to me with incredulity and surprise.

And my ability to read things whether close up or long distance was done unaided. No spectacles, contact lenses or monocles for me.

It was a gift.

But in recent years my eyesight has rapidly dimmed and reading anything, unless in the biggest of prints, is now only possible with lenses of some sort. This is annoying and inconvenient. A faff and a hassle.

No longer can I just pick something up and read it or quickly skim a piece of paper thrust under my nose. Glasses have to be located now before any reading takes place. And no matter how small the confined space, spectacles have the habit of making themselves scarce when wanted as much as the TV remote does.

For months I put my vision loss down to age. After all my eyes are almost as old as the rest of my body. But now I think I have found the real reason. Last week I had an epiphany, a Eureka, a lighbulb moment. I was wrong.

Now maybe it’s only me but I think my vision loss can be squarely blamed on the enviro-mentalists.

In their drive to save some polar bear on some ice floe somewhere these madmen (and no doubt mad women) cloaked by spurious scientific fundamentalism have deemed it necessary that we all have too much light.
And as a consequence it is now illegal, and yes I do mean illegal, to have light in our homes, offices and factories, which is bright, clear and healthy. Instead we have a kind of neo-light which is dim, grey and unhealthy. But it is low energy, low emitting light so that should put an end to our Wonky Weather-and if you believe that you will believe anything.
You might even believe that the eco-mentalist fundamentalists are right.

And because I do a lot of reading and because in this country there are many times when it is not possible to read by natural light, I am obliged to read by unnatural neo-light which is causing untold damage to my eyes. My eyesight is therefore being sacrificed to save a polar bear. I hope it’s grateful.

Given that the Health and Safety Gauleiters have made more noise about far less, I can assume that at some point they will take a close interest in neo-light before as a nation we run out of cute golden Labradors. For once we can live in hope that these Jobsworths might do something useful. I wouldn’t hold my breath.

In the meantime have a great week and should you be interested in reading what you should study to get ahead in business, check out ‘A question of degree’ at The Marketing Comic (www.themarketingcomic.blogspot.com).

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Things we say

Is it only me...but we do say some really stupid things.

Last week I saw someone turn their house upside and down and inside and out looking for their spectacles or their wallet or some other essential accessory. I cannot quite remember what they were looking for but it was important and nothing was going to move until this item was found.

Cupboards were opened and the contents lifted and checked; cushions were thrown asunder as the sofa was ransacked with great ferocity; papers were strewn around various rooms lest the missing item might be lurking beneath. I was fully expecting full body searches to be the next thing to be done when fortunately the lost article was finally found before the Marigolds were donned.

‘It’s always in the last place you look for it’, said my friend mightily relieved to be re-united with their precious accessory.

Now it might only be me but this is a really stupid thing to say.
Of course the thing you are looking for is always going to be in the last place you look. Who in their right mind is going to keep on looking after they thing they are looking for has been found? Why would you?

It is therefore a statement of the bleeding obvious to find that which is lost in the place you looked in last otherwise you will not have found it because you gave up looking before you got to the last place where you found it; or alternatively you kept looking long after you had found it, though what you would be looking for at this point is beyond me.

It is not just the English language that gives rise to such stupidity-my very good friend Catullus coined many a strange phrase in his poetry. Check it out if you don’t believe me though be prepared for some really strong language.

I am sure there are many other stupid sayings that the folk around you say. I am going to collect these and this may be a subject to which we will return in the coming weeks and months. Please feel free to share with me and my devoted following other examples of stupid things people say.

In meantime have a great week.

And don’t forget to take a look at www.themarketingcomic.blogpost.com for more insightful comment. You know it makes sense.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

GI Joe

Is it only me...but are we a nation of men or mice?

No doubt like you would have been appalled by the story of one of Uncle Sam’s finest who ran amok with his gun in the badlands of Afghanistan killing 16 innocent Afghan women and children. Their only crime, I think, though in that country you can never be too sure, was to be Afghan and in the wrong place at the wrong time just as GI Joe was letting rip with his Tommy Gun.

While not making any excuses, I suppose that these things happen in time of war, and no matter how well trained our fighting folk might be, war can do strange things to even the most resilient man or woman wearing a uniform and carrying a gun when most of us just carry a briefcase or Radley.

But you should be equally appalled that Uncle Sam refused to hand over GI Joe to the Afghans and to allow the Afghan courts to try him for this heinous crime. There is no excuse for this. Can you just imagine what would have happened if some Afghan or anyone else for that matter had even bruised someone carrying a US passport? Do you think Mr Obama would allow a third party, i.e. a non US court, to try the perpetrators? No way, Jose.

There is also every chance that should a US citizen break as much as a nail while abroad, anyone within touching distance of the broken nail would not just be tried in the Land of the Free but first would be taken on a tour of third world prisons and experience the delights of water boarding.

Now compare the actions of Uncle Sam whisking an alleged mass murderer back home, with the cases of Chris Tappin and Richard O’Dwyer. These are two Brits alleged to have broken US law on relatively minor offences, who were recently frogmarched out of the country manacled and shackled by US law enforcement officers to face the might of the US legal system. Not one shred of evidence has been placed before a UK court. Not one UK law has been broken. Not one piece of information has been provided to show that the person might have committed the offence. For unlike us, the Yanks are not required to do this. They protect their citizens.

It might just be me but the balance of power here is all wrong and what is sauce for the goose must be sauce for the gander.

I know Mr Tony thought he was Dubya’s lackey and that is why such an inequitable and unbalanced law was drafted and accepted by our legislators but Bush and Blair are now footnotes in the history books. Now it’s time for us to decide if we are mice or men and for us to protect and look after our citizens as well as the Yanks look after theirs. It is time for us to leverage our Special Relationship with them, and what a trite phase that is, and for us to show that we are men not mice nor Mr Obama’s lackeys.

Send us back Tappin and O’Dywer until you can prove in our courts that they have done wrong. And it would be nice if GI Joe was sent back to be dealt with by the Afghans.

As someone else one said ‘we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal....’ Oh yes it was the framers of the American Declaration of Independence. I have checked but at no point did they claim that Yanks were more equal or superior and everyone else inferior with lesser rights.

It is time for those on the other side of the Pond to remember that.

Have a great week.

And if you want even more intellectual stimulation to get you through the week check out www.themarketingcomic.blogpost.com and learn the importance of adding emotion to your customer experience. You won't want to miss it. You know you can trust Cicero.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Shoulder to cry on

Is it only me...but does anyone know what the hard shoulder is for?

The other night I was driving home along some of this country’s finest motorways when lights above me and ahead of me started to flash red. It was a traffic jam. And before you could say Jensen Button we were reduced to travelling at the speed of an arthritic snail with a zimmer frame, on roads designed and built to carry traffic speedily and efficiently from A to B.

Something must be up, I thought, for I can be perceptive like that. No doubt the red lights and slow, slow speeds gave it away.

Mile after mile after mile after mile we proceeded in this fashion, edging our way along the tarmac. At any moment I was expecting to be serenaded by Chris Rea as we crawled along the Road to Hell. And why is it that when the speedo barely touches 10mph the warning signs are exhorting you to do no more than 50mph in these conditions? Fat chance.

And after what seemed an age, time that I would never get back, and at my age all time is becoming increasingly precious, our three line highway squeezed into two lanes.

And then up ahead in the deepening gloom appeared the cause of the motorway chaos-a car had got into some kind of mechanical trouble and had applied its winking, blinking hazard lights and headed onto the hard shoulder. There it had been immediately surrounded by those neo-policemen, popularly known as Wombles, who look like policemen in police cars but who aren’t really and can’t do anything should you speed past them at speeds in excess of 70mph. Do you know who I mean?

Now in case you missed this-the car with the winking and blinking hazards was on the hard shoulder. It was therefore out of the way of all traffic. It was causing no obstruction. It was not in the way. It was not blocking our progress.

However this was not good enough for the Wombles who no doubt to justify their very existence had deemed it necessary for reasons that are beyond me, that the car with the winking and blinking hazards needed to be isolated from the other traffic lest its sparks plugs, cam shaft or alternator might be infected with some auto virus and other otherwise healthy vehicles be struck down. As a consequence the inside lane was also closed and this was in fact the cause of the trouble.

Now it might only be me but when I was taught to drive a car I was told that the hard shoulder was where broken down vehicles were to go. Has this been changed? Must two lanes be closed de rigeuer to satisfy some Health and Safety Gauleiter? Why was this change made? When? And if so exactly what is the purpose of the hard shoulder now?

It does seem rather strange to me that the Wombles,who presumably have it in their Job Description that their number one accountability and responsibility, and if they don’t have this we ought to ask why not, is to keep the traffic moving, should think that by reducing motorway capacity by 33% this would not cause a hold up. Nor can I understand why no one thought that a car parked on the hard shoulder was out of the way and unlikely to cause an obstruction.

To whom are these people accountable? How is their performance measured and evaluated? What does a high performing Womble look like?

Until we get answers to these questions, have a great week.

And don't forget to check out www.themarketingcomic.blogspot for more intellectual stimulation than you might get here.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

On the fiddle

Is it only me ....but this is why we should always listen to a busker.

Last week I came across this story. It is true. And as I thought we could all learn from this, even you, I pass it on unedited, unadorned, unembellished.

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that 1,100 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace, and stopped for a few seconds, and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping, and continued to walk.
A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most talented musicians in the world. He had just played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, on a violin worth $3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theatre in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

Now it might only be me but my lesson from this story-if we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Caffe latte

Is it only me ...but surely man can carry a cup.

The other day I needed a caffeine hit to revive me and to kick start the neurons in my brain lest it went into idle mode...and we would not want that, would we?

As is the case these days you are never far from a coffee boutique on our retail devastated High Streets so it did not take me long before I was placing my order with the Barista and he went through his ritual of pulling and pushing levers and emitting loud blasts of steam. I sometimes think that a Barista is just a fancy continental name for a stoker.

And once we had gone through the coffee making ritual I was presented with a warm cup of the caffeine nectar. Bliss.

‘No need to put the lid on’, I said helpfully, ‘I need to add milk.’
‘Sorry’, came the reply, ‘we have to apply the lid....’ and then came the kicker ‘.........its health and safety.’

At this statement enough steam was coming from my ears to steam heat the Coffee Stoker’s milk for the rest of the week. And it was only Monday!

So even though I was feet away from the station where the milk was kept, we could not be trusted enough by the Health and Safety Gualeiters, despite millions of years of evolution, homo sapiens is not considered capable of walking as bipeds small and even reasonably long distances while carrying hot liquids without spilling said liquid. These people have a lot to answer for.

I really do not understand why the Health and Safety Gauleiters insist in turning every mundane task into a bureaucratic assault course of regulatory red tape and even the simplest of activity is seen as a threat to life and limb. I sometimes wonder how I got to my advanced age despite the health and safety risks that seemingly I am increasingly being exposed to.

Now it might only be me but once and for all it is time to take a stance against these fascists. They are bullies, pure and simple, and they lurk in the corners of every business. Too often we are afraid of incurring their wrath lest they take action to close us down and thereby we hang on every one of their pronouncements as if they were religious Fatwas or codicils to the Ten Commandments. These people may be zealots but like all bullies they don’t like it when people stand up to them.

Every day of the week most of us, excluding the Health and Safety Gaulieters naturally and their disciples, will successfully manage to carry a cup of coffee from point A to point B without the need for a lid. I am assuming that most of us will do this in our homes at the very least. We will not spill it. We will not cause an accident. We will reach our end destination with all limbs intact. This is maybe something that those who work in the Health and Safety Industry should realise though to combine ‘Health and Safety’ with ‘Industry’ is clearly an oxymoron.

Their job is to advise and it is our job to consider and quantify the likelihood of said risk occurring and to make sensible and common sense judgements on how we should respond. We have common sense, the Gaulieters don’t.

To the Gaulieters I say, advise. To everyone else, I say decide. Believe me their words should not be taken as gospel. Now can I please have a coffee with milk?

Have a great (and safe) week. And for more considered conversation check out this week’s thoughtful piece at www.themarketingcomic.blogspot.com.


Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Roadworks ahead

Is it only me...but why can’t I just have my money back?

Have you noticed how many roads are being dug up at the moment? Round where I live it seems like that every road is under construction. And no matter where I seem be going my progress is hindered by temporary traffic lights, road closures and narrow lanes. Motorways, A and B roads, streets, roads, closes, crescents and avenues are all blighted by workmen leaning on shovels and picks.

I thought that maybe in this year of the Olympics we were also hosting the World Road Digging Championships or maybe a Guinness World Record attempt or something.

But no, it seems the answer is maybe a wee bit more prosaic and also stupid at the same time.

For in conversation at the weekend with a Local Authority Apparatchik whom I’m proud to call a friend, it was revealed to me, and this was done without me having to resort to the provisions of the Freedom of Information Act, that roads were being dug up and taxpayers’ journeys disrupted, not for the common good as might have been supposed, but because the Apparatchiks had money left over as they approached the year end and that consequently the money needed spent.

No it doesn’t.

It might only be me but the money doesn’t need to be spent if it is not needed to be spent. I know that Apparatchiks, whether working for local or central government, and addicted as they are to spending other people’s money,cannot see this but it is possible to give the money back or take less from us in the following and subsequent years.

Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once....you do not need to spend my money just because it’s there.

And nor should you base subsequent budgets on what you spent the previous year plus a bit-another reason for spending on unnecessary road works and other stuff being rushed through in the dying days of a financial year.

Have you never heard of zero based budgeting? It is what those of us who are busy creating value each day do when we set budgets. Maybe the Apparatchiks should try it though heaven forbid they should take lessons from the likes of us. Methinks they would rather cut off their arms with a pen knife before they learn from us.

But maybe if they did we wouldn’t have half the country dug up at the same time. It’s just a thought.

Have a great week.

And if these words have got your brain cells working and you want more try www.themarketingcomic.blogspot.com for more. Check out ‘Have I got news for you?’.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.