That will do nicely, Sir

Is it only me…but, to quote Woody Guthrie, I thought this land was my land.

I have just returned from a wee spot of R&R on an island on the edge of the Eurozone, close to the birthplace of western civilisation. And no I don’t mean Rothesay, though that comes a close second obviously.

On arrival at the airport, along with the swarms of peely wally tourists with whom I had to share my plane, we were met by the sight of one, and I repeat one, olive skinned languid passport official. I feared that my journey across the border and into the troubled Eurozone was going to take hours. And you don’t want that after a sweaty flight spent in close proximity to the heaving masses. I wondered if this Johnny-foreigner Apparatchik might be open to a bribe for a speedy passage through.

But there was no need.

A quick flash of our Passport Burgundy travel documents and we were through. I am sure he just saw the colour and not the photo or our biographical details at the speed with which we passed into the Eurozone and from that single piece of colour coded information alone he deduced we were ok.

Compare and contrast that with our return to the land of our birth.

Here the Praetorian Guard that is the UK Border Agency, dressed para-military style sans balaclavas, treated us all if we were Abu Hamza on a day out from Jordan. Each one of us was eyed up and own, our passports scanned with great diligence and only then with an effort that signalled immense reluctance would the Border Guard Apparatchik signal that it was ok to enter the Land of our Fathers. A process that took the bat of an eyelid in a strange and foreign country took what seemed like an age at the border of our Mother Country. We can learn a lot from Johnny Foreigner, you know.

Now maybe it’s only me but this land is my land and these Guards work for me, for us. Why do we let them get away with this?

I can think of two reasons.

One the uniform gives them power. These people never behaved like that when they all looked and dressed like geography teachers with mismatching flannels and sports jacket combinations. And when you give people power they throw it about, usually in the name of Health and Safety or public security. As if.

And my second reason is down to the Daily Mail and the Daily Express who consistently think that anyone who leaves this country to visit anywhere foreign is consorting with the enemy, has been exposed to dangerous and seditious thoughts, and has become a jihadist. And in this scenario we are letting in hundreds, if not thousands, of people every day who should not be here.

And given that our political masters are so afraid of what the Daily Mail is going to say, they instruct the Apparatchiks to go to extreme lengths to ensure they don’t get a story. The Daily Mail is the real Head of Government in this land.

It is just as well that there is no Daily Mail where I was or my Johnny Foreigner Apparatchik might have to brush up his act and lower his customer service standards to those of our Border Para-Militaries. And that would not be what I call progress.

I really don't see why our Border Police can't just say 'UK Passport-that will do nicely, sir' and wave me through. Unless I have a hook and an eye patch obviously.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Coffee to go

Is it only me…but most of the country does live beyond the Watford Gap.

It may have escaped your notice, though fortunately my eagle eyes spotted it, that Starbucks is to launch a loyalty scheme for all those with the time to wait while its Baristas pull levers and emit steam to manufacture a cup of coffee.

Nothing wrong with that, I can hear you say. After all many retailers  in a quest to understand who their customers might be and what they are buying have such schemes in place though as a seasoned marketer of many years standing I seriously doubt if these are anything to do with loyalty. I have a walletful of plastic like this and my custom is rarely bought just because I get something for nothing. True loyalty in any event is emotional not mercenary.

But back to Starbucks.

Here the issue is not loyalty but the nature of the bribes-it is offering priority booking to the Natural History Museum and 2 for 1 deals to the ice rink in exchange for the purchase of a tall skinny mochacappucina.

And where are these offers based? Why London of course.

And the Marketing Grand Fromage has the gall to say ‘we want to make sure customers can earn rewards wherever they interact with the brand.”

Sure you might be able to earn them but not to redeem them should you live beyond the Pale or beyond the M25 as the Highways Agency likes to refer to it.

Now maybe it’s only me but why do those with influence in this country assume that everyone worthy of their attention lives within hailing distance of a Black Cab. There is a world beyond the end of the Metropolitan Line, you know.

In history, and especially in Irish history, the phrase ‘beyond the Pale’ was used to denote that part of the country where wild people lived, the barbarians, the savages. Surely Starbucks and quite a few other brands with London-centric promotions and offers do not consider me and countless millions others like me not in possession of an Oyster Card to be barbarians or savages. This is not good for business.

And so if you want my loyalty, or repeat custom might be better a description, I would suggest with the greatest of respect to the Marketing Grand Fromage at Starbucks, and other Marketing Grand Fromages who think and act like him, that he, or maybe she, gives us the right to not only earn rewards wherever we might be but also to redeem them with offers more local, relevant and convenient to us.

I applaud your marketing gimmick to know my name. Now learn where I live. I will give you a clue-you won’t see any red buses in my corner of the Pale.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. 

 

Never knowingly undersold