A word in your Shell

It would seem that the eco- and enviro-mentalists, who believe that the only creature of any significance on the planet are polar bears, truly are mental.

And Cicero is raging that these poor deluded people who have been duped into thinking and believing that our wonky weather is man-made, now have childrens’ play time in their sights with Lego bricks now being used as the latest weapon by these mentalists to save the planet…supposedly.

Pathetic.

For it has been brought to Cicero’s attention that Lego has recently ended a 50 year partnership with Shell which was designed to put Lego bricks into the hands of kiddiwinkles across the land and encouraging play, stimulating creativity, generating imagination, all good qualities one would have thought.

And Cicero believes we should be doing more to encourage these very fine qualities if we are to remain a land of invention and innovation and entrepreneurship.

But such qualities do not cut much ice with the mentalists if it threatens polar bears. And seemingly it does. But only if you have the warped and disturbed mind of a mentalist.

Now you may be wondering what Lego has done or is doing wrong in the eyes of the mentalists. And the answer…nothing apart from being best mates with Shell who have been drilling among the polar bears so that we can keep the lights on, our homes heated and our factories working that we might all enjoy a 21^st century lifestyle and not one more akin to Stone Age dwellers.

But the mentalists don’t like this and so have bullied and blackmailed Lego and targeted the play time of our kiddies.  The mentalists have even turned up at Legoland no doubt to scare the next generation and to brain wash them into believing that our planet is seconds away from expiry.

Now Cicero may have missed something but oil is a totally legal product and Shell is a truly legitimate company and drilling for oil is a legitimate business concern. Surely the Two Caesars have not prohibited such activities. Mr Nick does come up with cranky ideas from time to time but Posh Dave is there to stop such nonsense ever getting anywhere near the legislative process. Has he failed this time? Has he taken leave of his senses?

No it would seem not. This is yet another example of the mentalists imposing their distorted logic onto the lives of Cicero, the wider society, and onto the innocent and undisturbed minds of our kiddies.

And why have the Board and Management of Lego not shown more backbone? Why did they feel it necessary to cave into the craven blackmail of the mentalists? Surely they should have done more to protect the innocence of children playing with their bricks? And defended the legitimate right of us all to free speech and to have the temerity to express a contrary view about polar bears, wonky weather and melting ice caps?

Maybe they should have borrowed the stiff and unyielding backbone of their Lego men and women.

For how much longer are we going to tolerate the mentalists imposing their views? Cicero says to these disturbed people-‘seek help, leave us alone, especially the kids, and get back in your shells’.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Dead stupid

Should anyone think that Cicero has turned over a new leaf and is now thinking differently after my previous tale of humility and compassion, be assured that this week normal service will be resumed. 

Today he will uncover and target yet another example of crass stupidity in his quest to improve customer service one business at a time.

It is a thankless task but a job that has to be done otherwise we condemn the next customer to appalling, unthinking, unintelligent and de-humanised customer service.

Long suffering readers will know that the most widely quoted causes of inaction by businesses and their people here usually involve health and safety or data protection or following due process. In other words more emphasis is given to satisfying the needs of the health and safety gauleiters, of the business prevention compliance unit, or of the boss, rather than doing the right thing for the customer and applying some common sense.

This recent example from Cicero’s immense back catalogue of customer service howlers will illustrate this nicely.

Imagine, if you will, a telephone call between Cicero and the customer service unit of a well- established and highly-known insurance company.

Insurance Company: Good morning, can I take your policy number, please

Cicero: would it not be better if you treated me as a person not a number and asked for my name first

 

Insurance Company: I appreciate what you are saying but my computer says I must ask for policy number first

Cicero: Why?

Insurance Company: It is company policy. I guess it is in case you are not who you are

Cicero: And how does asking for my policy number verify that?

At this point there is much to-ing and fro-ing between Cicero and Insurance Company in a failed attempt to argue the logic of this case.

We now cut to the crux of the debate.

Cicero: Now we have established my bona fides, I would like to claim on an insurance policy taken out by my grandmother.

Insurance Company: We need your grandmother’s permission before we can discuss this. Do you have this?

Cicero: No. She is dead. That is why I am claiming on the policy.

Insurance Company: We still need her permission. Is there no way you can get her written authorisation?

Cicero: Are you seriously saying that I need the written authorisation from a dead person before I can make a claim? No, I have just checked it’s not April 1^st.

Insurance Company: Yes, it is data protection.

Cicero: Perhaps you might be able to give me a few pointers as to how I can get written authority from someone who is dead and even if she were still alive it is very unlikely that she would be given she would now be 138 at next birthday.

Insurance Company: Yes I can see that but to conform to my procedures and with Data Protection I cannot proceed unless we have written authority.

You really couldn’t make it up, could you?

After a few more moments of such badinage with the irrestible logic of Cicero continuing to bang up against the immovable dumbness of the clerk, the conversation was taken over by one whose pay grade entitled him to a few more brain cells. This resolved the conversation to Cicero’s satisfaction with a promise to review processes, to send away the hapless clerk for re-education and a cheque to charity to compensate for Cicero’s inconvenience that he had to deal with such abject stupidity.

Maybe if the business and its people had been a bit more obsessed with the customer and less in thrall to its own processes, to its business prevention compliance police, to a culture of disempowerment and fear, such stupidity could be averted. 

A lesson for many businesses.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Ever so humble

Cicero will be the first man to admit that humility and Marcus Tullius Cicero are not words that you will see together too often. This is not to say that Cicero is arrogant, well at least we hope not, but not many would describe Cicero as humble. 

And as regular readers of these words will testify, Cicero is often quick to criticise, to lampoon and to pass judgement. Especially if you do a job funded by the taxpayer.

And yet these are some of the very people who in recent weeks and months have humbled Cicero. Indeed they have inspired the Old Man today to write this eulogy to the selfless dedication, humanity and genuine warmth of those who man (assuming of course that Harry Harperson has not banned this word)  the wards in our hospitals, our nurses.

Over the last few weeks Cicero has spent more time than he would have liked in hospital. There is no need to fear-Cicero remains hale and hearty and will be the scourge of nonsense for years to come. It was not Cicero who needed the ministrations of our Health Service but someone far older and ancient than he, whose time on this green and pleasant land was drawing slowly and gently to its natural end.

And in the course of this Cicero witnessed and marvelled at the actions and behaviours who daily toil among the dying and the sick. Few, in Cicero’s daily experience, exhibit such compassion, gentleness and understanding on such a sustained basis.

Not only do they tend to the dying to ensure their last days and hours are as comfortable as possible but they also care for the needs of the living, those who will be left behind. Tears were shared, the anguish heard, pain assuaged.

We, mere mortals, will do this a few times in our life. They do it every day but they do it as if this was the first time, as if you were the only one going through this. And this is truly something to marvel at, to laud and to recognise.

And in the middle of the night, when the final moments come, and you are still on the road to the hospital, they will ensure that no one shuffles off this mortal coil alone. They will be there with a gentle stroke of the hand, a kind word, a soft light.

They care. They understand. They humble.

So let’s hear it for Britain’s nurses and for all they do to tend to the dying, the poorly and the living. And may they be an example to us all. They are to Cicero.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. 

A nudge towards independence

Once again Cicero is going to allude to the wee stramash that is currently going on to the north of the Wall of Hadrian. For there is much that many of us who reside to the south can learn.

And by the time you get to read this, the result may be known, but whether Eck Salmond and his acolytes have won the debate or not, the learnings remain relevant.

As you know Cicero is a great fan of behavioural science or ‘nudge’ as it is known to some. And it would appear that Eck is a keen student of this approach also. Unlike Posh Dave and the Two Caesars.

You might think that a referendum question is easy to formulate.

No.

The same question can be asked in a variety of ways. Dependent on the answer that is required. And Eck knows for sure exactly what answer he wants. Do the Two Caesars?

For example the voters of the Celtic clans are going to be asked ‘Should Scotland be an independent country? Yes or No.’

It could have asked ‘Do you want Scotland to remain as part of the United Kingdom? Yes or no?’

Same question. Same outcome. Or so you might think.

But here Eck played a blinder and in a vote where every vote might count, an understanding of behavioural science might end up nudging Eck over the line and the Celtic tribes into independence and freedom.

No matter the question, yes is positive, it is constructive, it is optimistic. No is the exact opposite. Everything that is good about saying yes is as bad when we say no.

We want to say yes. We don’t want to say no. Sales people learn this with their mother’s milk and if you listen carefully to their patter will try to get their mark into a yes frame of mind as early and as often as they can in the conversation.

And Eck is a great salesman, whatever you might think of his political patter.

Thinking about it is no wonder that the ‘No’ people have been struggling to paint an optimistic vision for the the northern clans and tribes staying with the two Caesars when they start out with one hand tied behind their back and their legs tied together.

The ‘Aye’ or ‘Naw’ question being asked may not be the silver bullet to independence and freedom but Cicero, always a keen student and thinker of behavioural science thinks, in the tight race this is shaping up to be, might just add a few yes extra yes votes to the pile and might end up in rUK needing a new flag.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. 

To be a nation again

It may not have escaped your notice that in just a few weeks the tribes to the north of the Wall of Hadrian are going to decide whether or not the Union Flag should continue to have a blue background. And one or two other things besides.

This is a debate from which Cicero has stood aside. Mainly because he is disenfranchised in this election and just as we tell Mr Putin to stop interfering in the affairs of a sovereign nation, he believes that those who live to the south of the Wall should not interfere in the politics and affairs of those fortunate to live in the enlightened land to its north.

But there is one thought that Cicero has observed and would like to share.

Any observer would note that those who are encouraging the tribes to say aye are expected to have all the answers, to have very i dotted and t crossed, and every loose end tied up before Xs are applied to the ballot paper.

Eck himself, or Alex Salmond as the press know him, is often criticised on this. Especially when it comes to the bawbees the new nation will use.

But as Cicero would like to point out this is impossible. So cut the guy some slack. And maybe this is a flaw in the process. Maybe the Celtic tribes should have two votes. Heaven forbid.

For it is striking that on many issues Eck on his own cannot decide the final outcome. He needs others to come to the table and they are not going to come to the table until they know whether it is aye or naw.

Take the bawbee issue, for example. Eck can say what he would like to see happen but until the Two Caesars or even the Last Lot say what they want, no one will know for sure what will be the shape and the bawbees the tribes will have in their pocket.

Same for nuclear weapons. Same for EU membership. Same for pensions, health and everything else for that matter. It takes two to tango and so far there is only Eck on the dance floor.

So let us be clear.

At this stage Eck is only being given a mandate to negotiate. He is clear about what he wants. No one else is. And until they show their hand no one can be sure if Eck’s vision for a free and independent Scotland is what they will get.

This is not an argument that it is all too uncertain and risky so the answer ought to be naw.

Instead it is an argument for a 2 stage process. Stage one to give Eck a mandate from the peoples to negotiate a fair settlement for an independent Scotland.  Followed by a second vote to ensure that everyone happy (well at least 51%) happy that all every i has been satisfactorily dotted and every t fully crossed.

Only then can the tribes be sure that this will work or not and that they are not buying a pig in a poke.

Two votes? God help all who live up there.

Have a great week

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Buds are for flowers

Cicero would like to apologise that due to unforeseen and unavoidable family matters his presence has been lacking for a few weeks. Hopefully you will all be re-assured to welcome his return to the blogosphere.

Yesterday evening when wending his weary home from the centre for creative and marketing excellence where he is currently privileged to ply his trade, Cicero had to stop at a local petrol station to fill up his chariot.

This was naturally quite straightforward.

The madness started when he stepped up to pay for his fuel

.

When asked to specify what pump he had used, the acne disfigured youth who was manning the pay station and with whom Cicero was totally unfamiliar, referred to Cicero as ‘mate’.

When he was informed of the amount owed, Cicero was now known as ‘buddy’.

And when asked to enter the four digits that compose his PIN he was now ‘bud’.

This level of faux and faked familiarity shows the contempt with which this well-known petroleum retailer shows its customers. Cicero wants respect not familiarity from those to whom Cicero hands over his bawbees. The occasional ‘sir’ would not go amiss.

And surely given the name is on the card it  is not beyond the wit of the pimply and acned yoof who seem to man pay stations everywhere these days-something to do with Minimum Pay it is wagered- to use this information to apply the correct soubriquet (Mr, Mrs, Miss, Ms) and use the name.

We call this respect for those who pay the wages of those who choose to serve us, the customer.

So let this be a warning to any out there who may get the chance to serve Cicero in the coming days, weeks, months, years. Do not think of him or refer to him as a mate, buddy, bud, pal or any other word that implies friendship or kinship unless and until and not before he has acknowledged your friendship and admitted you to his small and close rank of friends.

Until that point he is Mr Cicero or even Sir.

Got it.

Buds are for flowers not customers.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. 

Stadium Anthem

No doubt you will have found time in your schedules this week to watch the Opening Ceremony of the Commonwealth Games, beamed live to you from the Mean City to the north of the Wall of Hadrian, they call Glasgow.

You will no doubt have your own opinions on the entertainment value of this spectacle but one item in particular irked Cicero and induced splenetic rage as he watched.

Why did they have to sing the National Anthem to serenade Betty when she arrived in the stadium with Chookie?

Totally inappropriate, Cicero spluttered.

It is not that he is anti-royalist, Cicero is after all strictly apolitical as you will know.

But this was an event held in Glasgow, Scotland. Scotland was the host nation. It was the history and culture of Scotland that was the centre piece of the Ceremony. And in case anyone was in any doubt where the games were, the biggest cheer of the evening was reserved for the Scots as they entered the stadium under the Cross of St Andrews.

So why was Betty not serenaded with ‘Flower of Scotland’?

If these games had been held in Canada, New Zealand or Australia, do you think ‘God save the Queen’ would be sung? Of course not. We would have what passes for their National Anthems. So why did anyone think it right that the Celts and Picts should be denied their cultural inheritance and be forced to listen to and to sing an anti Scots song (listen to third verse for proof of this). This is cultural imperialism.

What will be sung when Scotland win their Gold Medals? ‘Flower of Scotland’ of course. So it must be the National Anthem of the Celts and Picts.

At the London Olympics North Korea were mightily offended and went on strike when the South Korea flag appeared next to their country’s name. This is a diplomatic offence of the same order and will no doubt garner a few more yes for the Big Vote.

Surely someone should have spotted this before the faux pas was committed. Heads should roll.

We should however be grateful that Betty’s Serenade was not drowned out with the sound-turned-up volley of jeers, boos and cat calls that usually greet the Serenade when sung North of the Wall of Hadrian. That would have been embarrassing for all concerned

.

So thank God for the good grace and sense of the people of Glasgow. We should of course expect not anything less from such a friendly, hospital and personable tribe.

As they themselves said and sang out loud in front of our own very eyes,

‘Come in, come in, it’s nice to see you,

How’s yoursel’ you’re looking grand,

Tak’ a seat and ha’e a drammie,

Man, you’re welcome here’s my hand.

Even Betty and Chookie.

Have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Epic fail

Cicero is aghast. No surprise there then. 

You may have seen or heard about the letter sent by a primary school to its kiddy-winkles along with their SAT results. If you have not seen or heard about this, where have you been? According to Cicero’s sources the letter has like the Black Death and Spanish Flu swept everyone along in its path and gone viral. (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lancashire-28319907)

Given the praise that has been lavished on it you would think it was a newly discovered letter of Pliny rather than a note from a teacher to her kiddies.

And the purpose of this wee note? To let her brood know that it was not the results from the tests that made her weans ‘special and unique’.That her kids were more than their SAT result.  In other words the results from the tests didn’t matter. Failure was permissible.

It is precisely this no ambition, no expectation attitude that is undermining this country and holding it back.

Misplaced confidence like this in the end makes people look foolish. The cotton-wool world created by this people where no-one fails is why we have a generation with few skills and an expectation that things are handed to them on a plate.

Is it any wonder with that kind of attitude that we loiter near the bottom of most league tables for educational attainment?

And it is so so depressing that so so many people think it ok to share such an attitude.

Cicero has even heard of under-graduates who are being forced to spend the summer visiting the library to ‘better their marks’. No. You failed your exams and you are having to re-sit. We do not need euphemisms to hide this fact. 

And it is a similar attitude that means sports competitions are often neutered and rendered meaningless because no one must be seen to lose; why a local newspaper has stopped printing children’s football league tables so as not to heap humiliation on those at the bottom; and schools sports days are a joke.

It is a wonder with this attitude that we won anything at the Olympics. But of course there we were significantly helped there by the disproportionate number of athletes educated at elite schools where you pay for the privilege of being first, last and anything in between.

Failure should be embraced. Not hidden away from. It breeds winners, resilience and bounce-back-ability. Skills we surely want the generation that is going to pay our pensions to have in abundance. This is the way to succeed.

And it gives a kick up in the arse to those who failed to pull their finger out for their SATS, A Levels or degrees.

And this is why it is so wrong for trendy-lefty trained educators to declare publicly and with great gusto that it is ok to fail.

This is nonsense.

Have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Exit stage left

In order to eat and to eat well Cicero must from time to time visit one of the many supermarket chains that have today helped destroy the nation’s High St and which have rendered obsolete the local butcher, baker and candlestick maker.

Naturally he has a favourite but this is a medium that does not accept nor do product placement so the brand name, or even colours of said supermarket of choice, will not be divulged in these musings.

But through force of circumstance he had to use another brand this weekend. It was a chastening experience to see how others shop. But he also learnt something interesting. And this might explain a lot.

In this supermarket to indicate how chariots should leave the Chariot Park, there was a big sign and arrow marked ‘OUT’.

At Cicero’s food emporium of choice the customers are encouraged to leave via the exit. Clearly this is a supermarket that encourages speakers of Latin and readers of Cicero, Ovid and Livy.  An emporium which does not feel the need to talk down to its customers.

Cicero likes this.

It is also interesting to note that in the Dumb Down Supermarket there are lanes for those whose baskets contain ‘ten items or less’. This is grammatically incorrect and as well as targeting those who have not bothered to learn Latin, this is clearly a brand whose customers couldn’t give a damn about the correct use of English grammar, a language they are supposed to be native in.

Naturally Cicero’s chosen emporium, Educated Supermarket, knows what is right and wrong when it comes to English and its lanes are for those with ‘ten items or fewer’.

Surely everyone knows that it is fewer when you can count items individually. Hence ten items or fewer. But it is ‘less milk in my tea’. Cicero knows you know this.

It is also likely that Dumb Down Supermarket and its customers will struggle with the correct use of apostrophes, gerunds and gerundives and split infinitives but further investigation is required on these topics.

But here’s the thing.

Dumb Down Supermarket is struggling. It is attracting fewer customers and who are buying and spending less. Educated Supermarket is doing very well and going from strength to strength.

Is there a cause and effect at work here? Cicero thinks so.

So to succeed as a shop keeper these days in a market that is fiercely competitive, the strategy is simple-use Latin wherever possible and know your English grammar. This will show your breeding.

Have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Better together?

For those of Cicero’s many devotees who do not live to the north of the Wall of Hadrian, you may not know, but in a few weeks time there is every likelihood that the UK may be no more. Of course this will only happen should the Celts and Picts who inhabit this rugged land say yes. And they might.

Now this is a debate that to date Cicero has pointedly refused to enter. In his mind it is for the Northern Tribes to reach their own conclusion, and they should be trusted to do the right thing, without interference from beyond their shores.

And to this end Cicero would ask that Obama, El Pape, the Two Caesars and anyone else who was not weaned on Irn Bru and Haggis shut their gobs and haud their wheesht.

For every time a non Celt opens their mouth and pontificates about the UK’s constitutional settlement, they put their feet in it. Both of them. Sideways.

And when they do, yet another Celt or Pict votes  yes.

And this affliction reaches deep into the Populus as this example illustrates.

In a recent conversation with some Angles Cicero was advised that the business in whose premises coffee was being consumed had outlets in Scotland and the UK.

Let me repeat.

These Angles considered Scotland to be separate from the UK.

Now this might be wishful thinking. Or a presumption that the Celts will say yes. Or more likely ignorance.

Do these people not know that for the last 307 years Scotland and England have been joined together in a false construct of nationhood called the United Kingdom?

And this is not the only occurrence of such ignorance that Cicero has come across. Too often Angles say England when they mean Britain and Britain when they mean England. Unless they desist from such malapropisms the Union may well be rent asunder. Though some might assert that that is no bad thing. Cicero is hauding his wheesht.

With thinking like this it is hardly surprising that the Celts might think that if the Angles don’t see them as part of the same nation, why should they bother perpetuating a so-called Union which no one believes exist anyway.

Better together? You must be joking. You don’t even who know a Union exists.

Have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Everyone out...

Cicero is grateful to all who have engaged with recent musings. Debate is healthy. Even when the thinking is unsound and flawed.

Seemingly the Apparatchiks are angry. And this week it has been reported that over one million of them have gone on strike.

Did you notice? Nope, nor did Cicero. Makes one think. If one million people can have a Duvet Day at the expense of those who pay their wages and fund their old age, and few notices, we have to ask ‘what exactly is it you do every day?’

Cicero is sure that if we encouraged more of our Apparatchiks to take more Duvet Days more often, surely we could save a small fortune. And maybe even cut our taxes. Or plough into value adding services. Like education. Cicero is a huge fan of education.

Let us move on.

Now there are many things so wrong with this strike. Cicero does not have the time to address the many wrong issues here.

So we are not going to discuss the lack of a democratic mandate for these Duvet Days. How can 20% of a union’s membership be a mandate for action? Cicero is with the Two Caesars on this. We need a higher threshold before these Union Dinosaurs can hold a nation to supposed ransom by taking ad hoc and random Duvet Days. Well they might if their members did anything useful.

Nor are we going to discuss the Union Dinosaurs’ inability to enter and join the Real World, the place where Cicero and many million others live, work and earn their bawbees.

In the Real World no one these days gets a cost of living pay rise. Bankers excepted of course.

In the Real World no one has a gold plated pension these days.

In the Real World no one has Appartchik-esque job security.

In the Real World, thanks to medical advances, no one believes that we will be able to leave the world of work and sail off in to the horizon when we reach 60.

And in the Real World many of us will be performance rated. Fail to perform, you are out.

This is a world unrecognisable to Apparatchiks.

So why should Cicero and everyone else in the value creating economy subsidise the lifestyle of those who don’t? It is a nonsense.

But Cicero is not going to talk about those issues.

Instead today Cicero is going to counsel and provide career advice to those who want him to fund even more lavishly and richly the nests of those who claim to be Public Servants.

And Cicero’s advice is simple, straightforward and succinct.

For it is clear that having listened extensively to the bleating of the Union Dinosaurs they seem to have a problem being Apparatchiks, despite the job security, the tax payer funded gold plated pensions exclusive to them, and the excess holidays they receive especially when combined with extra Duvet Days. The pay is crap seemingly. The hours long and excessive. They have to pay more and work longer for their pensions. They are being held accountable for performance. Bless.

So if you don’t like what you doing now, do something else. It’s quite simple. Exactly what is holding you back? Is it because you do know that the grass is not all greener?

Have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus. 

The Case of the Cup Cake

This is going to be controversial. But what the hell.

It can be very confusing living in the Land of The Angles in this day and age, thinks Cicero.

In recent weeks there has been much debate about British values with the Nation’s Head Teacher, Michael Gove, admirably supported by the Two Caesars, creating, upholding and pontificating upon ‘fundamental British values’.

Do you know what these might be? Nope, neither did Cicero, but seemingly for the Angles and for those non-Angles who wish to live among the Angles, these have been defined as including ‘the principles of democracy, the rule of law, individual liberty, mutual respect and tolerance of those with different faiths and beliefs.

At least we should be grateful these say nothing about the need to protect polar bears, to comply with the demands of Health and Safety Gauleiters, or to ensure we all have access to cosmetic surgery. Let’s be thankful for small mercies.

But Cicero does wonder just how tolerant the Angles are, how free is speech, how much liberty the individual actually has.

Consider Exhibit One-The Case of the Cup Cake (and there are many more witnesses to call but we will illustrate the issue on this occasion with this one case).

In a corner of Angle Land a Christian-owned, -run and –managed bakery was asked to produce cup cakes with slogans promoting gay marriage. It politely declined the order as it conflicted with its deeply held religious beliefs. And now it is being taken to court by the Equality Commission for breaching equality law. (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-28206581)

Now to be clear Cicero is not arguing the rights and wrongs of gay marriage here but he is arguing that if we are to be true to the ‘fundamental British values’ of the Nation’s Head Master, are the Cup Cake Makers not entitled to their views?

They are not acting out of blind irrational prejudice but from deeply held religious beliefs and principles. We should be as tolerant of these as we are of people’s right to promote gay marriage. Mr Gove and the Two Caesars say we ought to.

So why is the Equality Commission using Cicero’s and your hard earned bawbees to threaten and bully?

After all there must be more than one Cup Cake Maker in this corner of Angle Land.

Surely we must not lose sight of the axiom that while ‘I may not agree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it’.

Should he ever hear about the Case of the Cup Cake, Voltaire would be spinning in his grave.

Do you agree, learned readers?

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

Could someone explain to Cicero why some people, usually Distaffs, have an unhealthy obsession with cosmetic surgery?

He really doesn’t get it.

It is a mystery to a wizened old prune like Cicero why Distaffs subject themselves voluntarily to needless and pointless surgery, pills, potion and injections to the point of pain. And they even have to pay good bawbees for the privilege of being pained, a lot of good bawbees in fact.

It is not as if they are sick. Or are they? Maybe they are like junkies always needing a fix, the next nip and tuck, the next cosmetic application.

Cicero has got through the many years of his life by sticking to his oft quoted maxim that if it can’t be fixed with a comb, it is not worth bothering about. And yet even with such a minimal beauty treatment he still manages to appear highly presentable at all times.

Cicero has heard tell of one so-called ‘Human Barbie’ reputed to have spent in excess of £250 000 over hundreds of nips and tucks and injections and augmentations so that she might look good. Why?

It has been said that some require these superficial and artificial crutches to remedy and address self-esteem issues. Really? It would be much cheaper and far less painful to buy and read a book. Broaden the mind not the bust seems to Cicero to be a much better strategy to improving self-esteem.

And in this regard he would recommend anything by his mates Livy, Ovid and Demosthenes but suggests you avoid Catullus. Of course anything by Cicero himself would be might fine. They can of course be ordered on that modern day invention called Amazon.

Cicero has found through many centuries that books are a far more satisfying, less painful and not as costly way to plug self-esteem gaps.

And maybe learned readers of these fine words might care to identify other ways to improve self-esteem. Answers below, please.

Distaffs, you are fine as you are. Stop treating your bodies as a building requiring constant renovation and repair.

In the meantime have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Waiter, waiter

It has been brought to Cicero’s attention that his recent musings have been negative and whining. This has come as a total surprise as Cicero has to date much prided himself on his critically constructive approach to the many follies of the world. Consequently he sends his apologies if he is perceived as failing.

And so today Cicero seeks to defend a practice that others have recently attacked. It is not a big issue but it is not always important to seek to change the big things in life.

You will be aware that it is common practice in many inns, hotels and taverns that breakfast is a do it yourself, self-service kind of affair. For every other meal you are served at the table by a serving wench or serving boy but for breakfast you can often be expected to choose and help yourself although if you are lucky you might be served tea and coffee.

Cicero does not see anything wrong with such a practice.

Others do. And have viciously attacked such customs through their own propaganda organs claiming that while the waiting staff do nothing but stand around and watch that no one runs off with the cutlery, paying guests are expected to go and fetch their own breakfasts.

What is your problem?

You seem to be ignoring the many many advantages in choosing for yourself what you want to eat. Firstly you are totally empowered to ignore the Black Pudding and Kedgeree and any other stuff you don’t like and instead give your undivided attention to those foodstuffs you like. Surely reducing food waste is a good thing. It helps the polar bears. Seemingly.

And this leads to the second advantage in such an approach. You can have as much fatty cholesterol as you like. No one is counting how many sausages, rashers of bacon, croissants and hash browns you load your plate with. Nor is anyone watching how many times you visit the cold meat and cheese platters; the fresh fruit and yoghurt bowls; or the fry up plates.

This is just perfect for a man with a healthy appetite like Cicero. Imagine if you had to pay for breakfast like you do for your other meals. It would be approaching the GDP of a small country.

And of course by making you get up and down it helps shift the avoirdupois that the carb loading puts on.

Quite frankly Cicero would argue that such a system should be rolled out at other mealtimes.

And if you don’t like it, stay at home. This works.

Have a great day.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.