Budgie smugglers

Is it only me…but how can I be inspired when it is out of season. I know that like me, and despite my cynical intentions, you will have enjoyed watching people perform citius, altius, fortius, through the Olympic and Paralympic SportsFest. Indeed I would go further than enjoy. I have been inspired. And as the Olympic caravan packs up its Big Tent and moves on to Rio, I have taken to heart Mr Seb’s ambition and been inspired. I am the legacy. And now I aim for two or three early morning visits per week to my local swimming pool while on my way into my place of employment for a pre-dawn thrash up and down the pool thirty or so times with some very fit superannuated wrinklies. But I am being let down and Mr Seb’s legacy ambition is being thwarted not by the Two Caesar’s policies or by the age of austerity but by Marks and Spencer, my fashion retailer of choice. For to enable to me to perform at my peak and to optimise my performance just like Mr Hoy, Mr Farah and Ms Ennis, I need the right equipment, in my case a stylish, flattering and performance optimising pair of budgie smugglers. Or indeed anything suitable for my aquatic thrash. And so you can imagine my chagrin on enquiring in branch and even looking online to discover that, in the words of one of Twiggy’s little helpers, ‘this was not the right time for selling swimming trunks’. Now maybe it’s only me but it is the small details like that which will undermine Mr Seb’s legacy aspiration. How many people are going to wait until it is the right season before they can fulfil their inspiration? The momentum we have all paid billions to generate will be lost. Messrs Marks and Spencer should surely have anticipated a rush for athletic equipment post the games and strained every sinew to ensure that their shelves and stock cupboards were stuffed to overflowing with sporting clothing for every shape and size. And who says that swimming has a season anyway? It is clearly possible to swim throughout the year as indeed it is well and truly possible for folks to go away at any time of the year. It is not decreed anywhere as far as I know, and I don’t think even Europe has got round to standardising this yet, that you can only swim or even sell swimming gear in certain months. And I even think it possible that you can go on holiday to sunnier climes at any time of the year. Twiggy and her supermodel pals may be cavorting about on our TV screens dressed to the nines in M&S outfits but for me the lack of attention to detail being shown by their employers is seriously hampering my preparations for 2016. And it is bad business for them. If anyone knows where I can find a pair of budgie smugglers for the fashion conscious and athletic aspirant, please do tell. Have a great week. Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Blowing hot and cold

Is it only me...but it seems I might have been right all along.

Devoted readers of my wit and wisdom will know that I am an ardent critic of the causes of Wonky Weather, better known as global warming by eco-and enviro-mentalists who themselves rebranded their spurious science to climate change to explain away freezing winters.

For years these doomsayers have controlled just about every agenda going with their doomsayer pronouncements and apocalyptic warnings of droughts, crop failures, rising sea waters and the loss of ice floes for the polar bear. And they were taken seriously. Unbelievable, I know.

Now it seems they were wrong and I might have been right, though of course this is not a time for intellectual superiority or patrician gloating. And for this point of view I have for once got the best of impeccable sources.

You might not have come across my proof given the stranglehold that the Wonky Weather deniers and the eco and enviro-mentalists have on mainstream media around the globe forbidding and limiting any discussion of alternative points of view. It is therefore my public duty to bring this new knowledge to a wider and more informed audience. This means you.

New research based on Met Office data, so it must be authoritative, has proved without a scintilla of doubt that global temperatures, despite the introduction of wheelie bins, more expensive air travel and charges for carrier bags, have remained flat since 1997. Indeed it now seems that global temperatures have risen by the meagre 0.4C in last 30 years. Not much is it?

And, if more proof was needed, a bunch of scientists wrote to the Wall St Journal pointing out that ‘computer models have greatly exaggerated how much warming additional CO2 can cause’.

In other words global warming or climate change is a myth and is nothing more than Wonky Weather as I have repeatedly pointed out for as long as I have been crafting these words.

Maybe M&S might now give us back all the 5ps they have taken from us all over the years in name of global warming given that the eco-mentalists have been shown to be a bunch of empty shirts. Do you think they will? No neither do I.

It might only be me but maybe this will put an end to the development of public and social policy aiming to fix Wonk Weather on basis of spurious unfounded and plain wrong science. As I have said all along Wonky Weather cannot be controlled. It just happens.

Before William the Conqueror landed on these shores we had a king called Ethelred who in a very public demonstration of his powerlessness proved that he could not control the waves. Now the latest research from the weathermen proves that we cannot control Wonky Weather by getting us to pay more to fly, to drive our cars, dump our rubbish and even to carry our food home from the shops. Green taxes have or will do nothing for Wonky Weather. Best we stop pretending it will.

Have a great week.

And if you interested in reading a love story for our times, check out www.themarketingcomic.blogspot.com.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Offensive marketing

Greetings.

Interesting to note that the comments made here on Mummy Leave are continuing to resonate, and from some of the most unlikely of sources. It seems that we may have united the Sisterhood by giving them a common enemy. Glad to be of service.

You will know by now that Cicero just hates shopping. In fact he would rather stab his eyes with knitting needles than drag his ageing and weary body around the shops. With two exceptions-he loves book shops and he has no objection to shopping for music though increasingly he is shopping for these online and cutting out the whole trailing around the shops experience.

Cicero has been reflecting on the kind of music he buys and he has noted that his repertoire is becoming increasingly limited to a handful of known and trusted (usually old!) artistes and musical combos. He reads the reviews of new bands and thinks they might sound interesting, maybe worth a purchase, but lest he wastes bawbees buying music he might not like, Cicero always errs on the side of caution and buys music from artistes he knows and recognises and trusts. And so you will find a lack of garage, techno, grunge or even garage grunge techno house sounds in his very extensive and eclectic music collection.

This may just be an age thing but this helpful piece of self analysis might have wider ramifications.

Now you might at this point be wondering where this is going but if you will hold on for a few more lines you will soon see the point we are trying to make.

Now this record buying experience got Cicero wondering how tougher economic times will affect how consumers might buy brands. Will they trade down and shop around more looking for a bargain or will they stick with the brands they know and trust, just like Cicero and his CD collection? And what are the implications of this for us marketing folk?

And so we spoke to some people and we found out that only a third of people claim that as money gets tight they will shop around more with the rest saying they are unlikely to change their shopping habits.

So what factors are driving consumer choice?

Interestingly only a quarter of shoppers claim to buy on price. 63 per cent claim that they will buy brands that offer the best value, 59 per cent buy brands they trust and 47 per cent go on brand recognition. So as you can see it is not just Cicero who fears making a mistake when he is down the shops.

In American football terms if you’re not on offense you are on defence and while businesses might be tempted to go on defence and just hope to ride out these tricky times, consider this.

The Profit Impact of Marketing Strategy Database (PIMS) has been tracking the business performance of over 3000 business units for over 40 years and has been described by Tom Peters as ‘’the most extensive strategic information database in the world’’, allowing businesses to identify those critical strategic factors that enable a business to achieve an improved sustainable position. This key source of business intelligence has identified that those brands that went on the offensive and continued to invest in marketing emerged into the recovery phase with higher return on capital and improved market share.

When money is tight customers want to be sure they are making the right choice. They don’t want to waste money buying something that is not what they wanted so they will increasingly buy brands they know and trust. This is not the time to cut but to maintain investment in brands and continue to develop and to deliver a trusted, relevant and distinctive brand positioning.

There are consumers out there buying almost exclusively on price alone but these are the minority and are least likely to be brand loyal. So why chase this market?
Businesses now need to focus on brand loyalists and on trying to grow their share of wallet or purse and successful brands must be seen to offer better value than the competition - focus on telling customers why your brand is worth the price by emphasising the added value and functional advantages that it offers.

Now is the time for your marketing to become truly offensive. As you know Cicero is great at being offensive.

Is it only me.......but there is a Plan B.

Last week I went shopping. I know that will come as a great surprise and shock to you but from to time it is something I have to do. I am not sure that after last week’s experience I will be hurrying back to the High St.

One of my stops was the M&S Food Hall. As we know M&S make great food and wonderful ads but they omit to tell you that when you buy some of their yummy food that they will charge you to be issued with a bag so you can easily transport their scrummy food to your kitchen.

Did you know this?

I was shocked and truly flabbergasted. And so I stood my ground and tried to reason with them. Fat chance. M&S is now in the thrall of the eco-mentalists. Yet there are arguments are so unconvincing that I am convinced that this is nothing to do with eco-mentalism but an attempt to widen margin.

Firstly I can have as many small green bags as I like for free. It was therefore possible for me to load my grocery into 10 green bags instead of one big bag. How does that help the environment? Surely even the dumbest eco-mentalism must concede the nonsense of this.

Secondly it is only the food hall that has put in place such a dumb policy. And this is a dumb policy. So I can buy a suit, a jumper, a pair of socks even, and be given free and gratis a carrier bag. So why is it only with food that I cannot be given a bag?

And thirdly, as I questioned, does anyone have any idea how much landfill space is taken up by plastic bag waste? Let me tell you. Only 0.3%. Disposable nappies take up more space but I don’t hear anyone think of trying to ban them. And if they did just listen out for the shrieks and howls of outrage from Harry Harperson and the Guardianistas. Never in the field of eco-mentalist conflict has so much been done for so little. I will repeat even if every carrier bag which went to waste came from M&S which it won’t, we would only save 0.3% of landfill space per year.

What nonsense. If M&S and their customers want to kow tow to the eco-mentalists that’s fine, but don’t fine those of us who can see through the fallacy of their arguments and who are un-believers.

Now it might only be me but I do think it morally reprehensible that a big mass market retailer brand should seek to inflict its values on those who might not share these values. And in any event, contrary to what M&S and its eco-mentalist friends might say, there is a Plan B.

Other retailers do not use sticks to beat recalcitrant shoppers like me into line but instead apply the principles of behavioural economics and behave like liberal paternalists. At Waitrose you have to ask for a bag. The default setting is no bags. At Tesco you get extra Clubcard points if you don’t take a bag. There are other ways.

And here is a free idea for M&S. Give the bags away for free but instead of splashing your logo across the plastic why not print the bags with slogans like ‘The carrier of this bag is a climate change denier’ or ‘This bag means more landfill waste’ or ‘The carrier of this bag is too mean to pay 5p for a proper bag’. And so on. You get the message. Only the most recalcitrant would opt for a bag with an offensive message.

Happy to help.

Please don’t come calling for the next couple of weeks. Cicero will be away enjoying the holiday break, refreshing his body and thoughts, and more importantly avoiding That Wedding and its associated flim-flammery. Enjoy the break.

Have a great week.

Sis felix. Et sis fortunatus.

Doris

With the Six Nations now in full swing, this week I am going to seek inspiration for my wit and wisdom on the rugby field. Now given that my team is not doing very well, as seems to be the norm for us at the moment, (I will give you a clue I am not Welsh and we are even doing worse than England) I know that this is a big risk for me but I want to introduce you to Doris and to talk about how important she is to the world of marketing.

Do you remember Jonny Wilkinson? If you don’t, then a few years back he was every Englishman’s hero and every Englishwoman’s favourite scrummy rugby hunk. And don’t England need a Jonny now. Anyway Doris was Jonny’s friend as important to him when he kicked a ball as she will become to you at the end of this piece of marketing dribble.

If you remember Jonny, you will recall he had a very distinctive kicking style. . He would crouch over the ball, holding his hands as if he praying for the ball to go over, staring fixedly into the far distance with his eyes darting between ball and post before starting his run up and usually slotting the ball over for three more points. Sometimes he looks like he is trying to lay a rugby ball like a hen does an egg. Can you picture the scene?

A few years back I met Jonny and he explained to me that when he is lining up his kick, he picks out his friend Doris sitting in the stand behind the goal and he tries to land the ball in her lap. Doris is an imaginary character but in his mind he can visualise what she is wearing, what she looks like, what book she is reading, even what her hair is doing today and what colour of lipstick she has on. I kid you not.

Now you are probably wondering two things-is Jonny mad? And what does this have to do with marketing. Let me explain.

No Jonny is not mad though they do they say that line between madness and genius is incredibly thin. He is focussed and single minded in what he is trying to do and who his target is.

And surely in our business we must be as single and as clear minded as Jonny. Should we not build a picture of our Doris in our mind? We are all in the marketing and communications business, no matter what job title we have on our business cards and in our job specs. Great communications, great marketing and great branding comes from having a clear idea of who we are trying to reach, who we are trying to talk to, who we want to influence. Only by doing this can we develop strong and effective communications and great marketing. We all need to be able to picture Doris. We all need a Doris working in our business.

And in case you think I have now gone mad. Let me put forward Marks&Spencer in my defence. A few years ago there was a distinct possibility that M&S, a national institution, might go under. Part of the problem stemmed from the fact that in a bid to widen their franchise they tried to appeal to a younger and trendier audience, and they lost sight that their Doris was a middle-aged woman in middle England. Once they re- remembered that they started to turn the corner.

And if you want more proof, let us consider another great British institution that has recently gone under, Woolworths. It most certainly did not have a Doris and without this understanding its demise was as certain as the fact that its Pick ‘n Mix sweeties would not lead to anorexia.

So who is your Doris? What do they look like? How old are they? Are they male or female? Where do they live? What car do they drive? What newspaper do they read? Where do they shop? What do they think? What do they feel? What do they value? And so on and so on. Once you can build up that picture marketing, communicating, selling to them is so much easier.

As Debbie Harry of Blondie once sang ‘Picture This’. It is almost that easy.

Is it just me?

As you will be aware for last week or so global warming has been postponed by the UK as the snow and freezing winds arrived on the Arctic gusts. Amid the transport chaos and the school closures and heroic tales of derring by commuters snow boarding to work, my local army recruitment office was closed by the weather. And the office for the RAF. Indeed only the office for the navy and the marines was open. Now I don’t know about you but I do expect our armed forces to be available 24x7 and not just when the sun is out. Do we now only fight in warm climates where there is no risk of snow and ice or of our brave soldier boys slipping and sliding on the ice. Hats off to the navy and marines though. At least they are prepared to report for duty in all weathers.

Have a great week.

Sit felix. Et sit fortunatus.