The condemned man

Welcome back.

And a great big Cicero Speaks welcome to my new follower. Cicero is mightily obliged that that you have taken the time and trouble to join this particular cult.

I know you want an update on this week’s news from my TSSB. It will come as no surprise to those of you who have been following my words of wit and wisdom for some time now that yet again a lift is out of order. It seems that the State has trouble keeping its quota of 3 lifts in full working order for more than 5 consecutive days It does make you wonder if any other parts of the State machine are only able to work at 2/3 capacity at any one time. No wonder things are not going well.

I hope that by discussing the status of the lifts Cicero is not breaching some state secrets act or other. If Cicero does not appear next week, you will know I have.

Last week Cicero had occasion to try to do business with the State in a private citizen capacity. The only way it was possible to do business with this particular arm of the State apparatus was via its website.

Except you couldn’t.

For just like the lifts in my TSSB, and maybe this website was maintained by the same people charged with maintaining the lifts, the website was not functioning. There is a pattern beginning to emerge here.

For 6 days this website was not functioning. Think about this. The only way the citizenry could do its business with this corner of the State’s empire was online and for 6 days this was not possible. Could you imagine eBay or Amazon or Google allowing its online presence to be unavailable for 6 days? That is the road to ruin.

On seventh day, unlike God when creating the world, Cicero sprang into action and resolved to action. After scything through layer after layer after layer of state bureaucrats, pointing out the error of their ways, Cicero eventually reached the inner sanctum of the head honcho’s office only to be told by the praetorian guard that kept the head honcho away from the citizenry that the head honcho did not speak to mere mortals like myself. I have previously pointed out that this kind of response from a head honcho sets a poor example and is really not good business or marketing practice. You do not engage with your customers through bullet proof windows. A lesson learnt from the bad lands of Iraq and Afghanistan.

To her immense credit the head honcho, who must be a devoted reader of my words, did call back quite unexpectedly. The discussion was cordial and constructive and quite quickly she came to accept the cogency of Cicero’s viewpoint and the matter was resolved.

Now maybe there are loads of lessons for all of us and for all our businesses in this case study. There are certainly a lot of behaviours which contradicts Cicero’s principles of a customer led organisation. But let me leave you with one thought this week.

Cicero often gets asked by those seeking the path of enlightenment, why when confronted with examples of appalling ineptitude like that experienced above, must he make a fuss, a very non British trait? The reason, amici, is simple. Cicero works on principle that to accept bad customer service is to condemn the next customer to experience the same

And that is why Cicero will never accept or tolerate or put up with a poor customer experience. And that is why Cicero persists in pointing out to head honchos, their praetorian guard and their foot soldiers, the error of their ways. Remember I do it for you.

Is it just me?

More news from the Royal Institute for Incredibly Stupid People, an organisation devoted to alleviating the suffering of people lacking common sense and to making Britain a safer place for the incredibly stupid.

I went the other day to relieve myself in one of my TSSB’s well appointed toilets. I know this is more information than you might want to know but it is important to provide context. And in this wee room was one of the State’s finest engineers applying some very important news for harassed state employees to all the mirrors. I could just about see myself in the looking glass which was a great relief but only just. For this was indeed very important news and did indeed warrant a large poster to ensure we did not miss the message and to ensure that it made an impact on us.

By this time you will no doubt be breathless with anticipation. What was this very important news that had to be communicated with such dire urgency to your ruling elite? It was…….wait for it…….are you ready for this……an 8 step guide to washing your hands.

Brilliant news. I have been waiting all my life for someone to teach me to wash my hands. And in only 8 steps too.

Is it only me who thinks that this is surely one of the dumbest pieces of communication ever? I find it difficult to believe that there can even be as many as 8 steps to hand washing. Hands up anyone who does not know how to wash their hands, or any other part of their anatomy. Still good to know that the incredibly stupid can now wash their hands properly. That’s a relief to know. I can sleep easy now.

And on that bombshell, have a great week.

Sit Felix. Et sit fortunatus.