Soap Opera

Mei amici, it has been a while but now Cicero is back to slay all that is illogical, wasteful and pointless in today’s modern world. Thought you would be pleased.

A few days back Cicero was initiated into the magical wonderful retail experience that is ‘Lush’ which only sells one product, soap. You would think that a shop that only sells soap would have a limited shelf life. Apparently not. For it seems that there are Lush shops springing up everywhere offering a new experience in soap buying.

Do we really want an experience when buying soap?

And nor does Cicero want staff members to approach him unbidden and try to be all friendly, enthusiastic and passionate. It is soap, for god’s sake. How can you be passionate and emotional about soap? 

And should you be one of Lush's little helpers, the kind who rush to fawn and ingratiate with enthusiastic and camp bonhomie, please don’t invade Cicero’s personal space. Stand well back. If help is needed you will be summoned.

This is what some might call retail theatre.

But if we want theatre we go to an auditorium to watch actors and actresses (and en passant when did actresses start to call themselves actors?) perform the works of some great dramatist from centuries back. We do not go looking for a theatrical experience in a shop on the High St.

Retailing is quite simple.

You make sure your shelves are fully stocked with things people want to buy. Your staff speak when they are spoken to. And certainly no small talk or attempts to make social conversation. You take my money. You give me my change. And you put it in a bag for me, unless of course you are one of those retailers who have been got at by the Taliban-esque eco-mentalist bags-are-bad-brigade and want to tax me for the privilege of carrying the goods I have bought home in your advertising.

And that’s it.

You do not try to get to know me. You do not bid me ‘have a nice day’. And you most certainly do not treat me as if I’m your mate.

Keep the theatre for Broadway and the West End.

Mary Portas, you have a lot to answer for.